For those who may not understand what I mean by the title, I live in Canada. The culture over here is based off more fear than what a typical Aspie has. It is actually quite sad to say it. I know a lot may disagree with me, but everyone likes to judge a book by it's cover, so first impressions are so very crucial. That is just one point that will not be discussed much further. For me, superficial means being polite and nice to people without having to show any respect whatsoever, and without establishing any sort of emotional connection. It is also based off a bunch of silly guidelines that people give us on how to communicate with people in the real world. It is quite depressing to think about it.
Before I go any further, I would like to state that there are many people that find Aspies to be the most superficial of all. I will explain the reason for this differs to each person with Asperger's Syndrome. But I think the biggest culprit for Aspie superficial behaviour is because they have problems establishing an emotional connection with others. I will argue to the death that there are people out there that try and probably need a lot more work in order to establish such connections. For me, I believe my superficial behaviour comes from the fact that I tried to establish emotional connections with the wrong people in the past and I have built a certain degree of anxiety because of that.
I have talked to someone (an NT) recently through some messages about her experience in North America in the last couple years. She is from Europe and stated the differences to me about the difference in culture in her country and in the United States. It did get me thinking about how Canadians are not too different in terms of how people get a long with eachother. The key differences I remember being brought up in the back and forth instant messaging was how the way people communicate over here is considered rude in her country. She gave the example of how she would have conversations with people in public places and it actually sounded like a good talk between the two. She did not mention whether she felt there was a connection between her and the person she was talking to, but mentioned that the other did not ask for contact information so that they could communicate with eachother again. The next time she would see this person, this other person would act like a best friend. This is superficial in her eyes from what I interpreted. She did not point out if this was an Aspie thing or an NT thing, so I will assume for the purposes of this blog that both types of people do it since I have seen it.
Of course on another note, she pointed out that people were very superficial in the way they communicate with eachother. She pointed out how everyone is trained to say to eachother "Hey, how are you?" and the response is supposed to be "Good, and you?" This leaves pretty much no opportunity for small talk as I have witnessed myself (and done). It is an awkward way to start a conversation as well if that is the response you get to such a question. It often gives off the impression that the person answering the question does not want to speak at all. Not sure if this is superficial, or fear that people have. NT's do the same thing with eachother and the subtlety is picked up much easier by them than it is by me.
The difference in culture when it comes to getting one person's phone number was also brought up. Over in her culture, it is considered rude not to call or text right away, she understands people are busy, but the point is to call or text if you want people to believe you are interested. She gave her number out to a person and they didn't call for a couple days. Over here, I noticed this myself and was kind of reminded of it, that people over here like to play games with eachother. I don't get why, but I don't find much fun in chasing after people. You either want me around or you don't, I hate guessing. Going back on the receiving one's number here, we hear all sorts of strange opinions on when a person should call: must wait 24 hours, 2 days, etc. Why must things be so complicated? Because everybody to a degree has been trained to be superficial and play games. Another reason is because everyone is so afraid to make a connection, and it is not just an Aspie or NT thing either. Everyone can be quite superficial at times.
But of course now, this opinion came from a woman who visited North America for a couple years. The most important thing here to consider is that if she pointed out how superficial people really are, then I can assure you that others in North America have probably noticed it too. Women over here have always complained about the lack of respect that men give them, and it is simple reasons such as what I stated above has happened to them. It is not because someone wanted to sleep with them, or because someone was nice to them. It really is that simple. How many missed opportunities men have because they were afraid or rejection or followed some silly guideline that they heard from a friend who knows absolutely nothing, or from some expert that says "Do this, not that"? Of course, I should not put the blame on one particular gender, or race. If a person is trained to be superficial in how they relate to and communicate with other people, the ability to establish emotional connections with other humans will be severely limited. And yes, there are women who do some of these same things and I understand that it works both ways.
You also have to wonder why people listen so carefully to what others think. I remember we have this thing in our body called "animal instinct." The animal instinct is primarily used for survival and reproduction (my opinion, bare with me). This is also part of the natural fight vs flight responses of a human being (listen to your brain, you will run). Here are some important questions to answer as well: How do you expect to make connections with others if you never follow your instinct? Why do you have to listen to what others think? Why listen to an expert who tells yo to do this, and not that when it comes to guidelines about when to talk to someone? Why are you so afraid?
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