We have discussed this so many times in the forums at WrongPlanet. It's appalling to hear how many NT women come into the love and dating section and tell us all stories about how the Aspie boyfriend of theirs is giving them a whole bunch of frustration. The questions that are asked are in regards to whether the traits or scenario they are in shows their Aspie is abusive, or just displaying an Aspergers trait.
I will make it clear that I am not encouraging you to believe that everyone with Aspergers is like this. I will not say that I never abused anyone in some sort of way either. Yes, I have seen the occasional NT male post there about their experience with an Aspie female. However, these scenarios are far and few between. It is common knowledge by now that Aspie male-NT female relationships are very hard for the female to deal with. But abuse comes in any scenario and abuse is not to be confused with Aspergers.
I just want to say this before anyone reads the scenarios below. I am not in anyway an expert on abusers. I just had this crazy thought cross my mind about how I would define the types of abusers I have come across. I might actually fit into a couple of these scenarios.
Scenario #1. Insecure and frustrated "nice guy": What i read and how I feel from what I read is that there are guys who think they are nice guys. But they are really not. They actually have nothing to offer to anyone. So they get pissed off when someone they call a "jerk" takes the girl and "treats her like crap" Let the girl figure out for themselves what they want to do and offer them your heart if you really are a nice guy. No guy has the right to refer to themselves as "nice guys". These jerks are probably nice guys themselves and the girl probably does get hurt by them. These "jerks" probably make it up to them if they want the girl to stay around. These "jerks" probably have feelings. This insecure and frustrated "nice guy" has no feelings for anyone but himself. And the feeling this "nice guy" has is self-hatred. This is unattractive. Calling these girls "sluts" or "bitches" is not going to help you win a girl over.
Scenario #2- The Sadist. Feelings are more honest than thoughts are. The only exception to this rule is when one is feeling pain and wants others to feel it. Only then are feelings abusive. Feelings are more honest than thoughts are. So you have to do your best to remember that thoughts are sometimes best kept to yourself. Now lets get to the abuse that comes with the feelings.
So you are dealing with a painful moment and you might be sad about this feeling. You lash out at the people around you even though it is the person you lashed out at that you don't have the problem with. At this moment, you have created a problem that didn't exist before. This problem might not go away now. The person you lashed out at will now associate you with pain and abuse, especially if the abuser wants to continue to feel this pain. This is where relationships might end up going downhill if this behaviour is not addressed accordingly. The abused is going to communicate that this behaviour was unacceptable. Failure to address this will of course result in the end of the relationship and I can assure you this break will be a bad one
Scenario #3- Mr/Ms. Brutal Honesty. Yes honesty is a good thing when it is appropriate. But there are scenarios where it isn't. Take for example that almost all girls have some sort of insecurity and don't like it being addressed or exposed. Guys are like this too, but the guy that openly exposes this insecurity will immediately be dismissed as a romantic partner. Girls on the other hand aren't dismissed based off some sense of insecurity as easily. It's a horrible double standard, I know. But keep this in mind. A person who openly exposes an insecurity will likely abuse their partner based on their insecurity. Take a look at the insecure "nice guy" for example.
Honesty. A girl looks better in makeup compared to not wearing makeup. She knows this and she feels insecure about it. But telling her when she is not wearing makeup that you don't think she is hot is hurtful. Telling her that you think she would look better if she lost a bit of weight is also abusive and makes her feel unappreciated. It's a horrible feeling for a person to have: feeling unappreciated. Guys, face it. Most of you are lucky to even have the attention of a good woman. When you have this attention, don't abuse it. Most women regardless of how they look will always get more attention than you. Accept this and hopefully you will realize that you should treat your woman better when you have her. The honest one obviously has no skills in manipulation (why would they? they are too busy being honest)
Scenario #4- The control freak. Wants you to spend all your time and energy on them. They won't like it when you spend time with other people and try and make you feel bad for leaving them alone for extended periods of time. The control freak will even insist on coming out with your friends as well. The control freak wants to know where you are at all times, but they might not want to let you know where they are making this pain worse for the abused. Most control freaks don't even have their own friends because they might actually show the traits of a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and everyone else is sick of them too. The control freak wants you to make them your life. This depresses the abused beyond belief. The control freak is hard person to leave if they have some kind of leverage that you don't have.
Scenario #5- The attention whore- Let's face it. The attention whore loves getting the attention, but doesn't like giving much in return. They abuse people based off the loving feeling given to them. I have no explanation as to why the attention whore doesn't like giving attention in return, but my guess is they have some kind of fear of it. The attention whore is not strong at manipulation.
You give this person attention and they like it, but you notice they never seem to reciprocate the same attention at any point. The relationship is so one-sided (if there happens to be one) that the abused ends up feeling hurt with the lack of reciprocation. Noone has to worry about being controlled in this scenario, but why wait for a phone call when you could just go and enjoy your life doing other things. The attention whore has a weakness and it shows when they stop receiving attention. However, the attention whore is likely dating others and looks for non-exclusivity from any partners. Any committed relationship with them will have you wondering who they are out with and what they are doing when you are not with them. This isn't healthy for you to be thinking too much. This abuser is likely not in control of themselves either and makes themselves easy targets for a Pickup Artist.
Scenario #6- The Victim Syndrome I am not sure what else to say about the person who thinks they are the victim. They sound a lot like the Sadist, but the Sadist wants others to feel their pain while the victim just wants undeserved empathy. Some victims may even want pity. But let's be honest here about all the good people: Who wants to be pitied anyway?
The victim of course is probably the most selfish of all abusers. They even manipulate in a way that not even the control freak knows how. The alleged victim is going to do all they can to make the abused feel bad about anything they do for them. The alleged victim will always turn everything around and make it all about them. If caught early on, it's easy to leave and see past the bullshit. However, the further along into the relationship, the worse it gets. The real victim is the person being abused while the other will make themselves the victim because they don't get the appreciation they feel they deserve (They likely didn't earn the affection). It's a horrible situation for the real victim to be in. If there is anyone that will never apologize for anything, it is the alleged victim.
Scenario #7- The only interested in sex Pickup Artist (PUA). The only thing that matters to the majority PUA's is sex. The difference between the PUA and the attention whore is the attention whore may not be as interested in sex. The pain and abuse they cause is only temporary anyway. After all, they just want to have sex because it makes them feel better. Of all people on this list though, the PUA is the most likely to change because they realize they can't do this forever. It is easy to see past the bullshit of a PUA for most women. However, most PUAs are usually targeting a weak spot and they do take advantage of it. The PUA knows how to manipulate. PUA's may or may not target women who are involved with another man.
The reason it is easy to fall for a PUA is because they know how to present themselves as fun loving, carefree and confident. They know how to get women to sleep with them. The reason they change is they find someone they actually like and do everything to keep this person around. So of course, the pain a PUA may cause is usually only temporary. But the list of people the PUA has slept with is probably a long one. There are some PUA's that can't break the cycle though and are stuck being alone and looking for sex for their whole lives. But of all people on this list, they know what they want more than any other abuser does. And they accept that they will hurt people along the way.
Don't mistake bad behaviour for Aspergers. These types of people exist regardless of some disorder or illness. It may be the nature of the person's personality, and this personality needs to be worked on.
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