Blast from the past. The darker times.

When I wrote this... thing, or poem, I think I was around 18 years old.  I was in high school going through my 5th year which meant that I had failed a couple classes throughout my high school career.  This poem that was written was so depressing and dark, that it reminded me that things couldn't have been worse than that before.  Funny I read it and I understand what I may have been thinking at the time.  I think that this was written out of frustration because I have huge problems in expressing myself.  I have realized the main source of my dating problems over the years was my inability to express my feelings or emotions.  People see something else and they get scared.  Me, I just want someone to get close and understand me.  Today I have decided to go through therapy to learn how to express myself.  Here is the poem:

Something is wrong when you fall in love with someone
You'd be a fool to believe they were in love with you to.

You always had problems with others breaking the rules
But what you fail to realize that you have break some rules
to live a little
It's a shame that others realize this and you don't.

You always want to look good for others so you gel
your hair or wear a hat, you always wear bigger pants
than your real size and look for a good shirt, you always
want to smell nice to
It's silly to believe that others will care.

Always so negative spirited, and low on self-esteem
you try and change to a happier and more positive kid
and people aren't buying it
People will always look at you the same way

Always alone and noone to talk to, noone ever
cared to listen anyway, you always talked about the
same things and whined about the same things
day after day
No one has ever given you a chance, haven't they?

To change who you are, you want to be attractive
Go ahead and try, you will never be attractive.

So the ugliness on the outside always gives
others a reason to ignore you.
They don't care about anything you have to
say, you are stupid and ugly.
Noone has ever seen the real you, you
wouldn't let them anyway.
Now you look for a solution too
all of these problems.
So with the sound of your trigger finger
there goes your life. 

The next thing I looked for I had written when I was 22, and this had to have happened a little while after I dated that one girl that ditched me for someone else.  Really had a hard time forgiving her for that and I know I had problems expressing myself afterwards as well.  However, I was still smiling for a while afterwards.  I don't remember what actually happened that caused me to feel bad about myself one day and write this.  But my understanding about this was I must have been fighting for something.  I still can't remember what I was fighting for and why I was fighting for it. 

 Memories of when everything used to be so good in this world is all I ever think about. They only bring a smile to my face. I just have some questions to ask you now: Why aren't I smiling? What did I do wrong? What did I ever do to deserve this? I never treated anyone badly, and I never meant any disrespect to anyone. So why must I be punished? Why must I suddenly lose my right to smile? Please give it back. My smile is the only thing that made things right in this world. Clearly I see it, and evidently everyone else sees it to. Please, I am doing all I can to smile again, someone please bring a smile to my face. Please let me see your smile when you look at me. If there is any love in this world, someone will allow me the chance to smile again. 

 As you may be able to tell, I have not been happy recently, but not as depressed as say the first poem is, but I understand what is making me unhappy.  I am in a city 3 hours away from family and some friends back home, and I have had issues building and maintaining relationships.  This has gotten the best of me recently and I have decided to do something about it to correct it.  I have stated in the first paragraph of my entry today, and I feel the need to learn how to express myself.  I am now a believer that this inability is the biggest cause of my current depressive episode.  What do you think?