Cheating and Forgiveness Among Men and Women.

We find that many people can forgive and forget, and others can't. I have noticed that relationships need a lot of forgiveness and love in order to succeed.  Love and forgiveness often brings joy and peace to the people in your life.  So what happens when someone does something that hurts you?
I have three options:

1. My first option would be to pray to God and look in the direction that I am guided to afterwards.
2. Brood on what I am told and speak about it with people that aren't involved so that they can tell me what to do.
3. Self-destruct and do something I absolutely should not do (Drink myself to drunkenness while I'm upset as an example).

That last option is by far the worst option in my honest opinion.  The second option could lead you either way as what you hear can be either good advice or bad advice.  But if you are looking for a good opinion on that matter, I find the more I talk about my worries, the more negative I get.  Prayer as i am finding it is the best option.  However, remember that the problem you are having needs to be sorted out with anyone that might be involved.  How you handle your side of the problem will determine the response you get from others as well.


Cheating and Forgiveness

I will try to avoid generalizing as much as possible and try to avoid being sexist.  I just want to say that in my experience, I have met these types of people.  Secondly, in the wake of the Elliot Rodger incident, I don't in any way think this is misogynistic at all.  I do believe to a degree that too many people are jumping on the #yesallwomen bandwagon and I know full well that it is being overplayed.  There are women out there that suffer.  But don't mistake this either: men and women can be equally as nasty to each other. 

I have found that in my experience communicating with men and women that it seems that the biggest source of emotional pain for women, or wounded ego (pride) for men is when an affair occurs in a relationship or marriage.  I won't even bother with many of the reasons why people do it.  I do believe to a degree that some men and women will do it for pre-meditated reasons and because the opportunity presented itself.  My stand on cheating is that there isn't any good reason for doing so no matter how you look at it.  I have seen people drive themselves to guilt over the decision to do so and it could have been avoided if they just went to the partner and said "it's over between us" before going to the next person.  However, people do make their own decisions and it doesn't always make sense to me.

Now, from what I have seen, Women seem more likely to take a man back for committing an act of infidelity.  I do believe that because women are more in tune with the emotional side of themselves and therefore can forgive a little easier than men.  In other words: a lot of women don't let their egos get in the way of love.  However, for those that do let their egos get in the way just a little bit, (and this has happened in the past for me and from what I have seen with other issues that occur) an opportunity will present itself for her to get even with the guy.  The guy if he wants to keep the girl will almost always have to grin and bear it.  An unwillingness to accept what you deserve often ends the relationship.  At least that is how some might see it.

The reason why men find it harder to forgive an act of infidelity has more to do with their ego (pride).  Nothing brings a man down quicker than having their pride destroyed by their wife or girlfriend having an affair with someone else.  The guy is likely going to think that she did this because "she believes I'm not good enough."  There could be all sorts of reasons why she chose to cheat, but of course, the question comes down to "Did I deserve this?"  People will tell you that you did if you cheated first.  I don't know for sure if you deserved it.  But i will say this: no you didn't and you shouldn't have to accept the excuses as to why she cheated.  To fall for her justifications and excuses enables her to get away with it again.

The bottom line can easily be a problem or issue within a marriage/relationship.  Maybe someone has a poor sense of boundaries and has no idea what they will tolerate and what their partner will tolerate.  Maybe there are misunderstandings.  More often than not, I find it is: "I want out, but I didn't have the courage to tell you.  So I acted out instead and hoped you would notice."  Of course, people don't like getting caught either and can't bare the responsibility of their actions.

I also had an interesting conversation with a couple girl friends recently about people that stray as well.  One of them actually did say that they find the attitude of looking around while actively involved in a relationship or marriage as selfish.  The belief conveyed was the majority of time, the person looking is not willing to let go of the previous partner unless the new partner can offer something that satisfies their ego.  This is going on the belief that the person doing this is bored and can't stand the responsibilities that come with being a mother/father and a husband/wife.  This is also going on the belief that no amount of love shown to the person behaving this way is good enough.  It's simply a lot of speculation, and I can't really go much further than that on the topic.

But from what I have experienced myself:  I did play the field after a relationship in the past.  I got involved with two ladies around the same time period.  I found out that one person was actively looking for a relationship and was hoping to get it from me.  Although we never had the exclusive talk, she felt that me getting involved with the other girl was cheating.  She indicated a willingness to forgive and allow me the opportunity to clean up, but I instead chose the path of self-destruction and destroyed whatever was left of that friendship and relationship with some hurtful words. 

Of course the next two girls I dated, I am convinced they cheated on my with their ex boyfriends even though I know they won't admit to it.  Yeah, for those who believe in karma, I certainly got what I deserved.  I also question whether they left them, but that doesn't matter anymore either.  The truth is, I'm not willing to take them back and looking back at the experience with the two girls prior, I didn't understand why one would choose to forgive for such an act.  I knew from one of these two that cheated on me that she was looking to see what she could get away with and I wasn't allowing it.

The first of those two taught me a lesson about taking people back: do it once and get away with it, you can do it again and again without consequence.  In other words, you enable the cheating and bad behaviour and choose to do nothing about it.  Guess what happens when you speak up about the poor treatment you receive?  More often than not, I have found myself going about it the wrong way if I allowed someone to blatantly disrespect my boundaries like that.  The person has gotten away with disrespecting and disregarding your boundaries.  The chances are slim they will take you seriously when you are upset about it.

I got involved in quite the mess, and I know that this helped destroy my sense of well being a little.  I knew I shouldn't have allowed the types to continue being too involved in my life.  I did in fact suffer a workplace injury during the time period as well.  The unfortunate part was that it was a concussion.  Considering my history of anxiety and depression and anger issues, the post concussion symptoms were harsh.  I was called a "piece of crap" by that first cheater who appeared to be ready to do it again to her boyfriend, but with another guy.  I was also told I was worse than her boyfriend.  She was also downright criticizing me and I was for some reason allowing it.  Instead of staying away from the environments she frequented to as well (we had many mutual friends and acquaintences), I kept showing up (after a short break from going).  She eventually stopped going to these environments.  Any new friends she made told me that they get frustrated around her at points as well.

Now of course, I have written down and really looked at my past relationships and realize what it is that I will not put up with and what are deal breakers to me now.  I know that many others do the same thing.  I have come to realize that cheating is something that I can forgive, but I sure won't be interested in taking someone back for it.  Having dealt with the pain before and being abused by people who simply didn't care how I felt, why would I deal with that abuse?