22 years old. The most fun I think I have ever had in my adult life. I did not think of my AS. On the day of my 22nd birthday, I broke out of my winter slump that year in interesting fashion. One person that said they liked me was lying to me. She was deliberately leading me on. She said she was going to see me that night on my 22nd birthday and was coming from out of town to do so. I suspected a lie was being told, and eventually called her at her home number to find she never left. I gave her a piece of my mind and it was over. But that was not a breakdown. No real rage, or crying. Just me being disappointed and upset with someone.
After this I started losing weight, and decided to take on my demons. I was finishing up my first diploma at college and was in a fight with myself over what I should do with my life. I was not going to go into a career with the diploma I had, since I was no longer interested in that type of career. I wanted to become a law enforcement officer, and that was the belief coming into my mind. Trust me, with my attention to details I would be a good police officer. But my body language skills would be terrible. I was also working a somewhat crappy job at Pizza Hut. Add to it, I was working on quitting my addiction to smoking marijuana. Say all you want about marijuana not being addictive, but I know I had an addiction.
Time went by, and I graduated school, and I had to make some tough decisions. I knew I was going back to school, and I wanted to try living away from home for the first time. I was setting some goals for myself, and I knew I needed a certain amount of money to sustain living away from home for some time. So I asked for full-time hours at Pizza Hut and was rejected. Their idea was to book me for Saturday and Sunday morning shifts. I had enough of this and immediately looked for alternative employment. I was also hitting up the bars at this time because I enjoyed it. I was getting good at dancing with the girls there, and my confidence was booming. My ego was growing, and I was somehow handling it well.
It all came about in a time period where I had gone 10 days without touching marijuana. I was smoking cigarettes more often than I was used to as a result. I got a job interview for a company called Craaytech Painted Plastics (it closed down six months later, I quit three weeks before that happened). Craaytech was a factory job and I would be working full time. I managed to meet a girl at the bar one night, and I somehow was able to pick up on the cue that she was interested. Something was happening that I could not explain. Was it possible that AS was just a figment of people's imagination? Or was I really smart enough to read body language. Anyway, i got the girl's number, gave her a call the next day and had a date set up. I also got the job at Craaytech, but working the 4pm-midnight shift. Everything was looking up. Nothing could possibly go wrong now.
The first and second dates went really well. The second date went so unexpectedly, that we somehow ended up with our clothes off and exploring eachother's body. There was no intercourse, but it could have happened. I finished my first week of work, while also having to find a way to have my last two shifts covered at Pizza Hut because this time they booked me on during the Friday afternoon shift and Saturday. I couldn't find anyone and management agreed to find someone. By the time Thursday hit that week, they found noone and I was told I was responsible. That started a fight, and I walked out. The next day I was phoned while at Craaytech and told not to show up to work on Saturday either. Although I handed in my notice, I somehow got fired before the two weeks were done. I also went out to the bar with the girl and her friends and it was stressful for me. After that night, we didn't see each other for a couple days and she ignored my texts or calls. This started a fight. I relapsed on my marijuana, and then I talked to her, and she figured out what was wrong. She decided to call it off with me, and said that we will continue this after some time. I found out on facebook a couple days later that she started a relationship with someone else. I felt betrayed there, and she eventually found out that I hated her for it. Meanwhile, I was about to find out that I was going to be working more hours than the 40 hours that I bargained for. I now had no spare time, and noone to talk to.
The breakout happened, and I did it in front of my dad and came clean about the pot smoking and everything else that was going on. I was about to throw everything away with this breakdown because life suddenly became too hard. I think this happened because I had finally gotten so much, somehow found I could not handle it, and let it all slip away. I think the bruise to my ego is what caused the breakdown here. It is possible that it does happen with others with Aspergers. I just think this breakdown happened in spurts too because I was freaking out for a second at random moments, and then I finally let out my emotions.
My parents kicked my ass into gear and suddenly I stopped smoking pot for good (well, there were a few occasions about 3 years later). The bar nights continued to happen, and I would give the ex date the cold shoulder if I saw her in public (she especially hated it when her boyfriend was not around). Life suddenly became funny. I somehow had a smile on my face in the end.
Sunday 29 April 2012
Friday 27 April 2012
Avoiding or managing a breakdown.
For Aspies, let's face it. Breakdowns can be avoided. It's just a matter of how it's detected at it's earliest.
I personally didn't have a good week and the weekend is somewhat of a saving grace. The only problem I have about this weekend is that I have no plans. I wish I did, but the few friends that I do have are either too busy, are ignoring me for some reason, or working. It is the end of April, and it snowed at the beginning of the week, but it did not last. It was also unreasonably cold for this time of year. To add to it, my dating troubles continue, or maybe it was my lack of ability to maintain new friendships. I don't know what happened, but I felt a breakdown coming on. I could feel the tears starting to form, and I could feel the rage building up. Somehow I managed to avoid it with a simple text message to a friend, and some pacing around. The pacing around part did not help, the text message did, as I felt I needed to say something to someone.
Truth is this: Aspies need someone to talk to in order to avoid having breakdowns happen. The more withdrawn or isolated the Aspie gets, the worse things may get when the breakdown does happen. I will write a separate entry about an event where this happened.
There are other issues that come with AS, and these are other social or mental conditions. Such conditions are obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), bi-polar disorder, and depression which may or may not be seasonal affective disorder. I am sure there are others disorders, but these are what I have dealt with myself or understand to a degree. For a person with bi-polar disorder as well as AS, I don't even want to begin to imagine how bad a breakdown will be for them, let alone anyone around during the event. I have heard a bi-polar episode can be really scary, and I know and AS breakdown can be scary as well. Combine the two and it must be a living hell.
For depression, isolation has a tendency to lead to being sad. So does a bad experience with dating or trying to make new friends. For some, a certain time of year also leads to depression. This leads to isolation, and depression as well. When depressed, or isolated, and feeling like I have noone to talk to, or noone wants to hear me, a breakdown is inevitable. This type of breakdown for me usually involves me yelling and screaming and maybe even throwing or hitting something until my chest hurts. At that point I realize I may give myself a heart attack if I am not careful. I stop, and then try and hold back the tears until they just come right down. This is normal I find for a breakdown, since all of my emotions need to come out. Just have to find away to avoid getting that angry, I don't like having my chest hurt.
OCD I find is different as the breakdowns are quite minor in nature and I have a tendency to get over whatever is bothering me sooner. The point here is find a distraction when you realizing you are getting to obsessive. Go out and do something, talk to friends. For me as previously stated, I get obsessed with video games, and recently I have gotten obsessed with writing blogs. While I write though, I have a movie or TV show playing to help distract me as well. The purpose is to distract me from what I am obsessing over. I have found the more obsessive I get with something, the more isolated I may become. This starts the depression cycle again.
If there is anything I don't like about being an Aspie, it is dealing with these frustrations, the isolation, and the depression. The only solution I can think of to break out of this is to seek help and find a way to learn how to read and understand social cues and basic body language.
Following added on November 3, 2012
For obsessive thinking- and avoiding a breakdown. The best thing to do is to confront the obsessive thinking. If someone or something is bothering you and you find yourself obsessing over it, the best thing to do is confront it. It seemed to work well for me a couple weeks ago. Obsessive thinking disappeared, breakdown never happened as a result.
For relationships or friendships- If you have a history of not giving a fair chance due to social anxiety, the best thing to do is to step out of your comfort zone. The social anxiety can easily cause a breakdown if you are not being fair with anyone else, and especially if you are not fair to yourself.
I personally didn't have a good week and the weekend is somewhat of a saving grace. The only problem I have about this weekend is that I have no plans. I wish I did, but the few friends that I do have are either too busy, are ignoring me for some reason, or working. It is the end of April, and it snowed at the beginning of the week, but it did not last. It was also unreasonably cold for this time of year. To add to it, my dating troubles continue, or maybe it was my lack of ability to maintain new friendships. I don't know what happened, but I felt a breakdown coming on. I could feel the tears starting to form, and I could feel the rage building up. Somehow I managed to avoid it with a simple text message to a friend, and some pacing around. The pacing around part did not help, the text message did, as I felt I needed to say something to someone.
Truth is this: Aspies need someone to talk to in order to avoid having breakdowns happen. The more withdrawn or isolated the Aspie gets, the worse things may get when the breakdown does happen. I will write a separate entry about an event where this happened.
There are other issues that come with AS, and these are other social or mental conditions. Such conditions are obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), bi-polar disorder, and depression which may or may not be seasonal affective disorder. I am sure there are others disorders, but these are what I have dealt with myself or understand to a degree. For a person with bi-polar disorder as well as AS, I don't even want to begin to imagine how bad a breakdown will be for them, let alone anyone around during the event. I have heard a bi-polar episode can be really scary, and I know and AS breakdown can be scary as well. Combine the two and it must be a living hell.
For depression, isolation has a tendency to lead to being sad. So does a bad experience with dating or trying to make new friends. For some, a certain time of year also leads to depression. This leads to isolation, and depression as well. When depressed, or isolated, and feeling like I have noone to talk to, or noone wants to hear me, a breakdown is inevitable. This type of breakdown for me usually involves me yelling and screaming and maybe even throwing or hitting something until my chest hurts. At that point I realize I may give myself a heart attack if I am not careful. I stop, and then try and hold back the tears until they just come right down. This is normal I find for a breakdown, since all of my emotions need to come out. Just have to find away to avoid getting that angry, I don't like having my chest hurt.
OCD I find is different as the breakdowns are quite minor in nature and I have a tendency to get over whatever is bothering me sooner. The point here is find a distraction when you realizing you are getting to obsessive. Go out and do something, talk to friends. For me as previously stated, I get obsessed with video games, and recently I have gotten obsessed with writing blogs. While I write though, I have a movie or TV show playing to help distract me as well. The purpose is to distract me from what I am obsessing over. I have found the more obsessive I get with something, the more isolated I may become. This starts the depression cycle again.
If there is anything I don't like about being an Aspie, it is dealing with these frustrations, the isolation, and the depression. The only solution I can think of to break out of this is to seek help and find a way to learn how to read and understand social cues and basic body language.
Following added on November 3, 2012
For obsessive thinking- and avoiding a breakdown. The best thing to do is to confront the obsessive thinking. If someone or something is bothering you and you find yourself obsessing over it, the best thing to do is confront it. It seemed to work well for me a couple weeks ago. Obsessive thinking disappeared, breakdown never happened as a result.
For relationships or friendships- If you have a history of not giving a fair chance due to social anxiety, the best thing to do is to step out of your comfort zone. The social anxiety can easily cause a breakdown if you are not being fair with anyone else, and especially if you are not fair to yourself.
Thursday 26 April 2012
Mental or nervous breakdowns (part 3)
The worst possible place to have a breakdown is at work. I was 20 years old and not ready for college yet, but one year removed from high school. Yes, it took me an extra year to finish high school. I worked at Wal-Mart in my hometown, and was unloading trucks from 3:30 pm-midnight. A lot of nights, the minimum hours required was not good enough for the management, even though there wasn't really any work left for me to do, or they just felt like dumping more work on me. I was booked to work many days at a time without a day off in between, or only one day. I usually worked weekends, and found myself letting my life pass me by. I was getting more and more pissed off as each day passed working there. Each day I was putting up with more and more bullshit, and any day off requested was usually rejected outright. I had two months until I visited my older brother who was living in Rotterdam at the time. I requested the time off and I am sure I would have been rejected if I stayed there that long and they would have given me the ultimatum right then "If you don't show up, you will be fired." I was living with my parents and mom bought me the ticket, my response would have been "Who do you think I am more afraid of right now? You for possibly firing me when I get back, or my mom for wanting to kill me because you wanted me to work instead?"
One day it happened at the end of the shift. Our work was done and me and my co-workers just kind of went to the lunchroom quickly. One co-worker clocked out and went to the bathroom. A couple minutes later, me and another co-worker punched out and the night manager decided to tell us how wrong we were for clocking out in the fashion that we did. The manager did not like the fact that we wasted 5 minutes of company time doing nothing in the lunchroom before clocking out. This was the only time it happened, and he could have just said "Guys, I don't appreciate this, don't let me catch you doing it again." Instead of that, he wanted to waste 5 minutes of time telling my how I committed "time-theft" and stole the company's time and got paid for it. Who cares, it was only pennies or a fraction of a dollar. As he kept going, i was getting more agitated, and I knew what I was going to say. When the manager finished, I just muttered the words "yeah, whatever." The manager then asked me to come and talk to him right there. I thought about it for a second and yelled right back "No, fuck that. I am off the clock, I will leave now." He was taken aback by it, but not intimidated and said "OK, fine I don't want to deal with this right now." On the way out, there was another exchange of words, and he just reminded me that I would be speaking to management tomorrow.
Well, tomorrow did come and it was approximately half an hour into the shift when I was called to the manager's office. The store manager and another assistant manager (not the ones on duty the night before) had me in there for a talk, and hopefully to get me to conform once again. I had a meeting the month prior and I was working in a hostile environment with someone that was doing what they could to get me fired. I was rejected a transfer to a different department. I asked for one again and was outright rejected again. I didn't know how to communicate with people what I wanted, which further added to my frustrations with working at Wal-Mart. After the conversation was over, I was told that my attitude had to change, because it was getting worse and I would be written up. This meant that management was now going to look for a reason to fire me as well. I then looked at the Store Manager with a tear in my eye and said "I guarantee you, this will never happen again" I grabbed my Vest and punch-out card, and looked at it, and then handed them to the manager and walked out of the office. The manager was disappointed partly because he lost a good worker, but he knew it was better for me as well. He was kind enough to say to me "Have a good one, Mike." I then went home and finally cried which I did not do the night before for some reason. But the tears were soon gone and I started to breathe a little easier now that I wasn't as stressed out.
There were plenty of other mental breakdowns that happened between the age of 13-20. But there weren't many ones that helped shape my life or just weren't that memorable for me. This one really stuck out in my mind because this was where it was evident that I was bottling up my emotions for long periods of time and then letting them out at the strangest time. To add to what was causing these emotions to be bottled up was my inability to properly express myself. I had no idea how to communicate how I really felt to people, and could never really tell people what I wanted. As my brother said to me once "Michael, you always choose the path of least resistance". It was cowardly, yes, but it came from not knowing how to do things that came natural for NTs. Over the last few years, I feel I have significantly improved in these areas. I still need work because there are times when this happens again. I am just thankful now that I have an employer who understands AS and can help me if needed.
One day it happened at the end of the shift. Our work was done and me and my co-workers just kind of went to the lunchroom quickly. One co-worker clocked out and went to the bathroom. A couple minutes later, me and another co-worker punched out and the night manager decided to tell us how wrong we were for clocking out in the fashion that we did. The manager did not like the fact that we wasted 5 minutes of company time doing nothing in the lunchroom before clocking out. This was the only time it happened, and he could have just said "Guys, I don't appreciate this, don't let me catch you doing it again." Instead of that, he wanted to waste 5 minutes of time telling my how I committed "time-theft" and stole the company's time and got paid for it. Who cares, it was only pennies or a fraction of a dollar. As he kept going, i was getting more agitated, and I knew what I was going to say. When the manager finished, I just muttered the words "yeah, whatever." The manager then asked me to come and talk to him right there. I thought about it for a second and yelled right back "No, fuck that. I am off the clock, I will leave now." He was taken aback by it, but not intimidated and said "OK, fine I don't want to deal with this right now." On the way out, there was another exchange of words, and he just reminded me that I would be speaking to management tomorrow.
Well, tomorrow did come and it was approximately half an hour into the shift when I was called to the manager's office. The store manager and another assistant manager (not the ones on duty the night before) had me in there for a talk, and hopefully to get me to conform once again. I had a meeting the month prior and I was working in a hostile environment with someone that was doing what they could to get me fired. I was rejected a transfer to a different department. I asked for one again and was outright rejected again. I didn't know how to communicate with people what I wanted, which further added to my frustrations with working at Wal-Mart. After the conversation was over, I was told that my attitude had to change, because it was getting worse and I would be written up. This meant that management was now going to look for a reason to fire me as well. I then looked at the Store Manager with a tear in my eye and said "I guarantee you, this will never happen again" I grabbed my Vest and punch-out card, and looked at it, and then handed them to the manager and walked out of the office. The manager was disappointed partly because he lost a good worker, but he knew it was better for me as well. He was kind enough to say to me "Have a good one, Mike." I then went home and finally cried which I did not do the night before for some reason. But the tears were soon gone and I started to breathe a little easier now that I wasn't as stressed out.
There were plenty of other mental breakdowns that happened between the age of 13-20. But there weren't many ones that helped shape my life or just weren't that memorable for me. This one really stuck out in my mind because this was where it was evident that I was bottling up my emotions for long periods of time and then letting them out at the strangest time. To add to what was causing these emotions to be bottled up was my inability to properly express myself. I had no idea how to communicate how I really felt to people, and could never really tell people what I wanted. As my brother said to me once "Michael, you always choose the path of least resistance". It was cowardly, yes, but it came from not knowing how to do things that came natural for NTs. Over the last few years, I feel I have significantly improved in these areas. I still need work because there are times when this happens again. I am just thankful now that I have an employer who understands AS and can help me if needed.
Would you date an Aspie (part 2).
Yesterday I went through the negative. I will admit the reason why I posted it was because I got stood up. Too many times I have got stood up or had a women not reply to a phone call or text or who knows what? In those situations, I let my thoughts take over because of how upset I was, and if the woman was still interested before, she definitely wasn't now. This is a situation you have to go with your instinct because you can't always let your mind win. If you are wondering if a person is worth it, listen to your gut, not your mind. Once you have done that, act accordingly and don't get upset. Just ask questions and listen to the answers, or read if you are getting the message back by text/e-mail.
Speaking of listening to the answers, that brings me to the first positive of dating an Aspie. How many men do women date, or vice versa, where the conversations are pretty one-sided because one person didn't listen. Well, going on to the body language again, this is what helps NTs in this situation. But when it comes to listening, an Aspie has a tendency to listen. It is also really strange too, because the body language that an Aspie would give off may indicate that we are in fact not listening to you. But trust me, we are. We may just be focused on something else at the same time. The one problem the NT may have in this situation is that the Aspie may not understand the context of what they were told. This can be worked on as Aspies are intelligent people.
Positive reason #2. A lot of people who are friends with Aspies know just how loyal an Aspie can be. Imagine having a boyfriend or girlfriend who may eventually become your husband or wife that won't cheat on you because he/she remains loyal to you through thick and thin. Doesn't mean we will accept you cheating on us though. I am not certain how other Aspies treat dishonesty, disloyalty, or being betrayed, but I lose all trust in a person when betrayed. I also have a hard time forgiving and forgetting. This may contradict the loyalty component of an Aspie. But provided you give us no reason to lose our faith in you, the Aspie should remain loyal at all times.
Positive reason #3. Not many Aspies I have met myself are difficult people to talk to when you get to know them. In fact, some are pleasant people right off the bat. I am often cracking jokes and one-liners and being witty and sarcastic with the people I know. I do my best in some situations to lighten the mood at work. Work can be pretty miserable at times, even I know this. Sometimes I am miserable, but I actually feel good knowing that I can get at least one person to laugh at some jokes I say, and make others smile as well. The funny thing is that people think I am not as pleasant as I really am because I sometimes lack emotion. There are some mixed signals when it comes to our facial expressions as well. Despite that, most people find Aspies very likable. Maybe a chance at being loved and who knows where it will take them.
Positive reason #4. We can be very intelligent human beings. So intelligent that when we put our minds to something, something big can happen. Bill Gates is said to be an Aspie, and he made billions of dollars for Microsoft as their Chairman or CEO. Gates is one of the most intelligent men on the planet and he was able to accomplish what he did because of his Aspies. And guess what folks? He is happily married as well. And to go with the pleasant human being part, Gates does donate money to charity too (although not as much as people think he should, but that's just opinion). Albert Einstien is rumored to have had AS as well.
There may be more positive reasons than what I have said. I may add more later
Speaking of listening to the answers, that brings me to the first positive of dating an Aspie. How many men do women date, or vice versa, where the conversations are pretty one-sided because one person didn't listen. Well, going on to the body language again, this is what helps NTs in this situation. But when it comes to listening, an Aspie has a tendency to listen. It is also really strange too, because the body language that an Aspie would give off may indicate that we are in fact not listening to you. But trust me, we are. We may just be focused on something else at the same time. The one problem the NT may have in this situation is that the Aspie may not understand the context of what they were told. This can be worked on as Aspies are intelligent people.
Positive reason #2. A lot of people who are friends with Aspies know just how loyal an Aspie can be. Imagine having a boyfriend or girlfriend who may eventually become your husband or wife that won't cheat on you because he/she remains loyal to you through thick and thin. Doesn't mean we will accept you cheating on us though. I am not certain how other Aspies treat dishonesty, disloyalty, or being betrayed, but I lose all trust in a person when betrayed. I also have a hard time forgiving and forgetting. This may contradict the loyalty component of an Aspie. But provided you give us no reason to lose our faith in you, the Aspie should remain loyal at all times.
Positive reason #3. Not many Aspies I have met myself are difficult people to talk to when you get to know them. In fact, some are pleasant people right off the bat. I am often cracking jokes and one-liners and being witty and sarcastic with the people I know. I do my best in some situations to lighten the mood at work. Work can be pretty miserable at times, even I know this. Sometimes I am miserable, but I actually feel good knowing that I can get at least one person to laugh at some jokes I say, and make others smile as well. The funny thing is that people think I am not as pleasant as I really am because I sometimes lack emotion. There are some mixed signals when it comes to our facial expressions as well. Despite that, most people find Aspies very likable. Maybe a chance at being loved and who knows where it will take them.
Positive reason #4. We can be very intelligent human beings. So intelligent that when we put our minds to something, something big can happen. Bill Gates is said to be an Aspie, and he made billions of dollars for Microsoft as their Chairman or CEO. Gates is one of the most intelligent men on the planet and he was able to accomplish what he did because of his Aspies. And guess what folks? He is happily married as well. And to go with the pleasant human being part, Gates does donate money to charity too (although not as much as people think he should, but that's just opinion). Albert Einstien is rumored to have had AS as well.
There may be more positive reasons than what I have said. I may add more later
Wednesday 25 April 2012
Asperger's Syndrome and Dating. Would you date a person with it?
Edit- October 16- 2013. As much as you want to be treated like a normal
person in a relationship, the truth is it isn't going to happen. I have definitely found this out for myself in the year and a half since writing this blog entry. Realizing the difference between how I process things and how NT's process things have played its role. I unfortunately came to the realization that almost all NT's are astract thinkers, and I am far more literal as a thinker. Why? Because doing all that work to process things is way too much work for someone like me... especially if there is a lack of help in getting two people to understand eachother. Hence the line below of "No mature women will help an Aspie learn what comes naturally...." And I have also learned that most people will not make the time or effort to learn and understand what is different about the way I think.
First things first. I have asked many friends and co-workers and even employers, they would have never guessed that I had Aspergers syndrome (AS). Not even people I have dated. Why is this? Because I am not much different from a Neurotypical Thinker (NT). I do lean more towards the logical and reason in terms of how I think. But I do have emotions, and somehow over the years developed a degree of empathy. I have done my soul searching over the years and I know when I am at my most confident, and when I am a little shy. I even know what time of year I should expect to get depressed in. I fought demons like others have as well. Many things like this make me proud to be who I am. However, the one thing I have always longed for is the love of a good women. I have probably the worst dating experience out of anyone I know. I am sure there are worse dating stories than mine, but let's focus on mine.
This blog I am going to focus on the negative part of it the AS and dating, because reading about it pisses me off. Here are the top three reasons (in my honest opinion) for people not wanting to date someone with AS
I have read opinions on the Plentyoffish forums, and other opinions on the internet. I have some work to do myself when it come to dating and relationships. But what makes everyone else think they are perfect and need to find the perfect person? Experience! Someone like me has very little experience. Person #1 disliked dating an Aspie because we seem to think that we never make mistakes or refuse to learn from our mistakes. Funny, I have met people who aren't AS, and act the same way. But the reason for that opinion is because the typical Aspie can't handle the simplest form of constructive criticism. You tell me not to make a certain joke because it hurts your feelings. I forget and now you are yelling at me and I yell back at you. Trust me, no Aspie likes to get yelled at for any reason. And if you are like me, you are already too hard on yourself anyway, this opinion may make things worse for you.
Person #2 states they didn't like dating an Aspie because certain things that come naturally for NT, don't for us. The ability to pick up on social cues and read body language understand or how a person is feeling is what person # 2 is referring to. The comment was that "no mature woman will waste their time trying to help an Aspie learn things that come naturally for all other men". Most women my age seem to think that way too from my understanding through conversations I have had. It's an expectation by now that you have learned it and no feebdack is required. That helps an inexperienced man with AS how? Most people I talk to have no clue how to read body language expect for basic body language. If I wanted to know when someone is lying to me, I don't always read their body language, but I like to repeat some questions here and there to see if the story has changed. I pay attention to details better, and that helps me in a lot of situations.
Person #3 has indicated that there are too many problems with communicating with body language. Yes, the Aspie does not know how to read the body language of the other person very well, we know this already. Now what about the Aspie's body language? It is often said that I give mixed signals and lead women to believe I am not interested when I am in fact interested. So the people I date have indicated to me that they don't know how to react to me. That is why I don't date people now unless I meet them through a friend of mine who knows me well enough him/herself.
Person #4 has no clue what AS is. The worst thing you do to a person with AS is label them. From youth we are stigmatized as different. Yes, I got picked on as a kid and from previous blogs you can tell. I like to point out that I am a proud Aspie, but doesn't mean you can treat me like I am different from any other human being. I fought my whole life to be treated like a normal human being. The fact that I am treated like one while being an Aspie makes me extremely proud of myself. It should make others with AS proud of it too. But the stigma and the lack of understanding makes people scared. And women don't want to take time to understand things that you may not know how to explain in plain English yourself. The funny thing about this is people tell me I am closed minded because of my intense interests. What is closed-minded is people not wanting to understand when they meet someone with it, or simply not wanting to treat me like a normal person. This is closed-mindedness at it's best and that is what I found to be the single biggest reason for my dating failure.
If there are any other reasons why people don't like dating an Aspie, throw me a line. My next blog I will cover the positives of dating an Aspie.
Furthermore, it is also my understanding that people may be offended by the word "Aspie" I only apologize if you are offended, but I will continue to use the word because it is much easier to type that out than Asperger's all the time, and because it doesn't offend me.
Edit- October 16- 2013. As much as you want to be treated like a normal person in a relationship, the truth is it isn't going to happen.
First things first. I have asked many friends and co-workers and even employers, they would have never guessed that I had Aspergers syndrome (AS). Not even people I have dated. Why is this? Because I am not much different from a Neurotypical Thinker (NT). I do lean more towards the logical and reason in terms of how I think. But I do have emotions, and somehow over the years developed a degree of empathy. I have done my soul searching over the years and I know when I am at my most confident, and when I am a little shy. I even know what time of year I should expect to get depressed in. I fought demons like others have as well. Many things like this make me proud to be who I am. However, the one thing I have always longed for is the love of a good women. I have probably the worst dating experience out of anyone I know. I am sure there are worse dating stories than mine, but let's focus on mine.
This blog I am going to focus on the negative part of it the AS and dating, because reading about it pisses me off. Here are the top three reasons (in my honest opinion) for people not wanting to date someone with AS
I have read opinions on the Plentyoffish forums, and other opinions on the internet. I have some work to do myself when it come to dating and relationships. But what makes everyone else think they are perfect and need to find the perfect person? Experience! Someone like me has very little experience. Person #1 disliked dating an Aspie because we seem to think that we never make mistakes or refuse to learn from our mistakes. Funny, I have met people who aren't AS, and act the same way. But the reason for that opinion is because the typical Aspie can't handle the simplest form of constructive criticism. You tell me not to make a certain joke because it hurts your feelings. I forget and now you are yelling at me and I yell back at you. Trust me, no Aspie likes to get yelled at for any reason. And if you are like me, you are already too hard on yourself anyway, this opinion may make things worse for you.
Person #2 states they didn't like dating an Aspie because certain things that come naturally for NT, don't for us. The ability to pick up on social cues and read body language understand or how a person is feeling is what person # 2 is referring to. The comment was that "no mature woman will waste their time trying to help an Aspie learn things that come naturally for all other men". Most women my age seem to think that way too from my understanding through conversations I have had. It's an expectation by now that you have learned it and no feebdack is required. That helps an inexperienced man with AS how? Most people I talk to have no clue how to read body language expect for basic body language. If I wanted to know when someone is lying to me, I don't always read their body language, but I like to repeat some questions here and there to see if the story has changed. I pay attention to details better, and that helps me in a lot of situations.
Person #3 has indicated that there are too many problems with communicating with body language. Yes, the Aspie does not know how to read the body language of the other person very well, we know this already. Now what about the Aspie's body language? It is often said that I give mixed signals and lead women to believe I am not interested when I am in fact interested. So the people I date have indicated to me that they don't know how to react to me. That is why I don't date people now unless I meet them through a friend of mine who knows me well enough him/herself.
Person #4 has no clue what AS is. The worst thing you do to a person with AS is label them. From youth we are stigmatized as different. Yes, I got picked on as a kid and from previous blogs you can tell. I like to point out that I am a proud Aspie, but doesn't mean you can treat me like I am different from any other human being. I fought my whole life to be treated like a normal human being. The fact that I am treated like one while being an Aspie makes me extremely proud of myself. It should make others with AS proud of it too. But the stigma and the lack of understanding makes people scared. And women don't want to take time to understand things that you may not know how to explain in plain English yourself. The funny thing about this is people tell me I am closed minded because of my intense interests. What is closed-minded is people not wanting to understand when they meet someone with it, or simply not wanting to treat me like a normal person. This is closed-mindedness at it's best and that is what I found to be the single biggest reason for my dating failure.
If there are any other reasons why people don't like dating an Aspie, throw me a line. My next blog I will cover the positives of dating an Aspie.
Furthermore, it is also my understanding that people may be offended by the word "Aspie" I only apologize if you are offended, but I will continue to use the word because it is much easier to type that out than Asperger's all the time, and because it doesn't offend me.
Edit- October 16- 2013. As much as you want to be treated like a normal person in a relationship, the truth is it isn't going to happen.
Saturday 14 April 2012
Mental or nervous breakdowns (part 2)
It was a year and a bit after the breakdown where I nearly killed someone. Things were starting to look up for me. I was 13 years old and may have had an acne problem, but I seemed to have this sense of confidence that was starting to attract the girls. However, I was still obsessed with getting rid of this acne problem I had, so i decided to try out this medication called Accutane. For those reading who don't know about Accutane, it was a pill that was designed to help clear out acne, but it had some very severe side effects for some people. You could only get this pill from a doctor's prescription too. Now for a person with Aspergers Syndrome who is taking other medication as well, some pills just don't mix well, especially when anti-depressants are involved
It took two days after I started taking Accutane for it to mix with the anti-depressants. I don't quite know how it happened, but I remember snapping when someone said to me, "The reason why your ex broke up with you is because you were annoying." I was in the gymnasium at the time and I remember I started to verbally insult him and then at one point I threw my backpack halfway across the gym. The bag almost hit someone, and the teacher sent me to the office. I did not get into any trouble for any of this, not a suspension. I was allowed to leave school early, and my mother (she's a pharmacist), would not allow me to go to school the next day in order for the Accutane's effects to wear off. I also think she wanted to protect me from myself at school, who knows what damage I could do if I went to school the next day.
This was the beginning of a series of breakdowns over the next few months. I don't think the Accutane was in my system anymore though, but once an Aspie gets into a stage of depression, it's hard to break free. I had one around my 14th birthday because my parents told me (jokingly) that I was not getting a portable CD player. Funny thing is that they pulled out the CD player right away because they didn't know what to do with the meltdown. Another one I had at school, where I kicked another student while he was sitting in a chair for I can't remember what reason, but I sprained my ankle from it. I also snapped at another student when walking home from school, this time I gave this student a couple punches to the stomach as to warn him to back off. He didn't, and I snapped and only laid a couple shots to his kidney before throwing him to the ground and told him to leave. He left once he saw the crying part of the breakdown, which had not happened during my previous breakdowns. It was clear at this point that people at school were trying to get a reaction out of me, no matter how dangerous the consequences for them or I might be. I remember a ring leader at school that was getting people to try and get a reaction out of me. I'd say about 10% of the time, he succeeded. That was 10% too much.
The final breakdown came on a Friday morning during recess at school. Sound familiar? I went 10 minutes just relaxing with a couple other students and just hanging out. A group of maybe 15-20 other students came up to me and said something to me to try and get a reaction. I walked away with my group only to have them follow. I immediately challenged the group for a fight. They didn't budge or just couldn't believe that I had even challenged a whole group of them. The bell rang and everyone was walking around the corner to our lineups to get inside everyone still trying to insult me, and that's when i finally snapped and screamed out "That's it, It's time to fucking kill someone." There was at least 30 other students lined up too, and every single person ran from me. I was immediately isolated and sent to the gym for about 30-40 minutes until the next class had to come and use the gym. It was the only place that the teachers and principal were gonna keep me to calm down. I was given a soccer ball to kick around as well. Finally the principal came down and a class was lined up outside to come in the gym. I remember threatening the other boys in the class before leaving, with the principal as a witness.
I was never expelled or suspended, partially because I had to give a list of the people that were responsible for provoking me this far. I really don't know why I was not even given a suspension here. I could only imagine the complaints the principal or even the school board would have gotten from parents if they had heard that some kid had threatened someone at school. Parents of the my fellow schoolmates were probably very afraid to send their students to school now. Something I know I learned was that I could use scare tactics to get out of horrible situations, even if it horrified everyone else. In the end, noone was seriously hurt, and that was all that mattered.
I did learn that using scare tactics to get people to leave me alone worked throughout the rest of my schooling. High school, I used it to get people to stop teasing and provoking me. However, I have learned through a bit of counseling just recently that because of my background in school that my eyes and body language always tell new people I meet that I am too scary. My memory of my childhood and teenage years and maybe the experience is enough to get me to become so guarded these days. If any reason I have now to prevent people from getting to know me is because I believe people may walk away or are ready to attack me. I am not 100% certain if this really is true, but it does make sense.
It took two days after I started taking Accutane for it to mix with the anti-depressants. I don't quite know how it happened, but I remember snapping when someone said to me, "The reason why your ex broke up with you is because you were annoying." I was in the gymnasium at the time and I remember I started to verbally insult him and then at one point I threw my backpack halfway across the gym. The bag almost hit someone, and the teacher sent me to the office. I did not get into any trouble for any of this, not a suspension. I was allowed to leave school early, and my mother (she's a pharmacist), would not allow me to go to school the next day in order for the Accutane's effects to wear off. I also think she wanted to protect me from myself at school, who knows what damage I could do if I went to school the next day.
This was the beginning of a series of breakdowns over the next few months. I don't think the Accutane was in my system anymore though, but once an Aspie gets into a stage of depression, it's hard to break free. I had one around my 14th birthday because my parents told me (jokingly) that I was not getting a portable CD player. Funny thing is that they pulled out the CD player right away because they didn't know what to do with the meltdown. Another one I had at school, where I kicked another student while he was sitting in a chair for I can't remember what reason, but I sprained my ankle from it. I also snapped at another student when walking home from school, this time I gave this student a couple punches to the stomach as to warn him to back off. He didn't, and I snapped and only laid a couple shots to his kidney before throwing him to the ground and told him to leave. He left once he saw the crying part of the breakdown, which had not happened during my previous breakdowns. It was clear at this point that people at school were trying to get a reaction out of me, no matter how dangerous the consequences for them or I might be. I remember a ring leader at school that was getting people to try and get a reaction out of me. I'd say about 10% of the time, he succeeded. That was 10% too much.
The final breakdown came on a Friday morning during recess at school. Sound familiar? I went 10 minutes just relaxing with a couple other students and just hanging out. A group of maybe 15-20 other students came up to me and said something to me to try and get a reaction. I walked away with my group only to have them follow. I immediately challenged the group for a fight. They didn't budge or just couldn't believe that I had even challenged a whole group of them. The bell rang and everyone was walking around the corner to our lineups to get inside everyone still trying to insult me, and that's when i finally snapped and screamed out "That's it, It's time to fucking kill someone." There was at least 30 other students lined up too, and every single person ran from me. I was immediately isolated and sent to the gym for about 30-40 minutes until the next class had to come and use the gym. It was the only place that the teachers and principal were gonna keep me to calm down. I was given a soccer ball to kick around as well. Finally the principal came down and a class was lined up outside to come in the gym. I remember threatening the other boys in the class before leaving, with the principal as a witness.
I was never expelled or suspended, partially because I had to give a list of the people that were responsible for provoking me this far. I really don't know why I was not even given a suspension here. I could only imagine the complaints the principal or even the school board would have gotten from parents if they had heard that some kid had threatened someone at school. Parents of the my fellow schoolmates were probably very afraid to send their students to school now. Something I know I learned was that I could use scare tactics to get out of horrible situations, even if it horrified everyone else. In the end, noone was seriously hurt, and that was all that mattered.
I did learn that using scare tactics to get people to leave me alone worked throughout the rest of my schooling. High school, I used it to get people to stop teasing and provoking me. However, I have learned through a bit of counseling just recently that because of my background in school that my eyes and body language always tell new people I meet that I am too scary. My memory of my childhood and teenage years and maybe the experience is enough to get me to become so guarded these days. If any reason I have now to prevent people from getting to know me is because I believe people may walk away or are ready to attack me. I am not 100% certain if this really is true, but it does make sense.
Thursday 12 April 2012
Mental or nervous breakdowns (part 1).
This can be a very touchy subject for some people. When a person with Aspergers has a nervous breakdown, it can be stressful for all people involved. Granted the person that the Aspie has snapped at will feel scared and hurt, and the Aspie will typically act like nothing ever happened afterwards. I know this, as it happened to me many times in my life. I am writing my own memoirs as we speak, but I will share a story from that book from when I was 12 years old. Sometimes the smallest thing can make a person just lose control and get angry with someone else.
It all happened on the playground at recess time. I was in Grade 7 at the time, and I was playing with other classmates on the tarmac near the gymnasium entrance of the school. I can't remember what was said to me, but I do recall I was being teased a little bit by these classmates. The ones doing this were friends, and I was surprisingly able to take the joke, but I put them in a side headlock and we just playfully fought. One classmate came from behind at me and hit me in the nose and it stung me. I am not certain whether he meant to do this or if they were playing around too. Ignoring the fact that he was eating or had food in his mouth, I went at him in a fit of rage and put him in a headlock choking the life out of him. One of my classmates screamed at me "his face is going blue, let him go." I did, but more or less just threw him to the ground. Someone said I kicked him while he was down, but I don't remember. I do remember a whimper after I threw him down, and then he went silent.
After being yelled at by other classmates and being told things like "how could you do such a thing?" and "you're a terrible person" I probably went into after breakdown mode. My feelings were now getting hurt. I could not comprehend what I just did either. I remember going inside the school and throwing a couple things around in there as well, in front of the school's principal. I was put inside the office alone to calm down. Once it finally dawned on me what was really going on, I started to cry and cry uncontrollably. After another half hour, I was told that I would be suspended for three days of school. The funny thing is that there was one more week of school before the two week Christmas break, so the three day suspension didn't seem long enough in anyone's mind. The other classmate was slow to regain consciousness and he too would miss the next week of school.
This caused so much stress on everyone that witnessed the event, the principal in the school who had to deal with what could have been a murder on her own schoolyard, the shock of what some other classmates had witnessed, my parents having to leave work early to come get me from school, and then having to leave work on other days to take me for therapy and counseling sessions, and of course the family of the victim. It is my understanding that the victim's family debated whether they should press charges or not. I don't know what made them decide not too, but my family and myself were grateful for that decision.
If you think that I acted like nothing happened, this was not one of those scenarios. I eventually learned what remorse is, and I had to live remorsefully for a long time. Of course I got reminded every single day by my parents. It even got to the point where my older brother decided to stick up for me and tell my parents to stop because my depression started to sink lower than my brother could handle. The teachers and the principal at the school felt that not reminding me about it was the best option.
I never lived this down for a long time, and this was one of my most traumatic moments. This incident serves as a reminder to me how much damage I could possibly do when I have a nervous breakdown, and my breakdowns now become farther and fewer in between. So my message to other Aspies and family of Aspies is this:
If you ever sense a breakdown coming, remember this story. After the destruction is over, chances are their might be crying afterwards. And remember that Aspies have a tendency to not care who they hurt in these situations whether it is physical or emotional. I can't tell you what you should do to avoid it, or what to do when it happens, so the rest is up to you.
It all happened on the playground at recess time. I was in Grade 7 at the time, and I was playing with other classmates on the tarmac near the gymnasium entrance of the school. I can't remember what was said to me, but I do recall I was being teased a little bit by these classmates. The ones doing this were friends, and I was surprisingly able to take the joke, but I put them in a side headlock and we just playfully fought. One classmate came from behind at me and hit me in the nose and it stung me. I am not certain whether he meant to do this or if they were playing around too. Ignoring the fact that he was eating or had food in his mouth, I went at him in a fit of rage and put him in a headlock choking the life out of him. One of my classmates screamed at me "his face is going blue, let him go." I did, but more or less just threw him to the ground. Someone said I kicked him while he was down, but I don't remember. I do remember a whimper after I threw him down, and then he went silent.
After being yelled at by other classmates and being told things like "how could you do such a thing?" and "you're a terrible person" I probably went into after breakdown mode. My feelings were now getting hurt. I could not comprehend what I just did either. I remember going inside the school and throwing a couple things around in there as well, in front of the school's principal. I was put inside the office alone to calm down. Once it finally dawned on me what was really going on, I started to cry and cry uncontrollably. After another half hour, I was told that I would be suspended for three days of school. The funny thing is that there was one more week of school before the two week Christmas break, so the three day suspension didn't seem long enough in anyone's mind. The other classmate was slow to regain consciousness and he too would miss the next week of school.
This caused so much stress on everyone that witnessed the event, the principal in the school who had to deal with what could have been a murder on her own schoolyard, the shock of what some other classmates had witnessed, my parents having to leave work early to come get me from school, and then having to leave work on other days to take me for therapy and counseling sessions, and of course the family of the victim. It is my understanding that the victim's family debated whether they should press charges or not. I don't know what made them decide not too, but my family and myself were grateful for that decision.
If you think that I acted like nothing happened, this was not one of those scenarios. I eventually learned what remorse is, and I had to live remorsefully for a long time. Of course I got reminded every single day by my parents. It even got to the point where my older brother decided to stick up for me and tell my parents to stop because my depression started to sink lower than my brother could handle. The teachers and the principal at the school felt that not reminding me about it was the best option.
I never lived this down for a long time, and this was one of my most traumatic moments. This incident serves as a reminder to me how much damage I could possibly do when I have a nervous breakdown, and my breakdowns now become farther and fewer in between. So my message to other Aspies and family of Aspies is this:
If you ever sense a breakdown coming, remember this story. After the destruction is over, chances are their might be crying afterwards. And remember that Aspies have a tendency to not care who they hurt in these situations whether it is physical or emotional. I can't tell you what you should do to avoid it, or what to do when it happens, so the rest is up to you.
Wednesday 11 April 2012
How hard is it to really enjoy life?
I am somewhat distracted as I am writing this as I have the TV on. One of my good friends is also asking me why I think I ruined my chances with another lady friend that may have been attracted to me. I will write about girl problems in a separate blog.
The reason why I am writing this is because I am bored. Many people know the feeling of boredom, it is just what people do with their time when they are bored is what counts. How many people go out for a a cigarette because they are bored, or go grab something to eat? What do people really do with their time when they are bored. Now anyone with Asperger's Syndrome (Aspie for short) gets bored easily, and I know this. I spend a lot of time doing absolutely nothing and I usually daydream in those moments. Wouldn't surprise me if other Aspies do this too, or any normal thinking human for that matter.
Thinking about life's up and downs, I have dealt with depression like most other Aspies deal with. Some seem to have it tougher than I do, and some don't. But how does one know how to really deal with depression better than others. There is no wrong answer to this, but maybe some advice to try something may help people feel better. I know what causes the depression here and the reasons are usually because:
1. Seasonal Depression- usually comes in the winter during Christmas, New years, and then my birthday. Each year is experienced differently, but I usually feel down during this time of the year. All this happens in a 6 week time period. Usually I do nothing to snap out of it, then gradually after my birthday I feel better every day that passes afterwards.
2. Lack of exercise and poor nutrition- I am totally obsessed with the idea of good fitness and good nutrition. I find it hard to be happy about the shape of my body and who I am without exercise and proper nutrition. (Side-note about obsession is that it is both, a strength and weakness for me.)
3. Isolation for extended periods of time- having people to talk to and hang out with is also key. They don't have to be new friends, and they can be roommates. I will warn you that your roommates may not care, but just make an attempt to spend time with them and things should be good. Always make time for the people you know and feel are your friends. Make sure to keep in contact with the friends you want to keep around. Don't always wait to hear from others, take the initiative.
4. What occupies your time- In other words, find a hobby. I personally like to read, watch movies/TV and play video games in my downtime. This should not be too hard for Aspies, since it is very easy for us people to get obsessive.
5. When obsession becomes addiction- You play that one good video game and you spend all of your spare time playing it and you stop enjoying life. I know this from experience.
Not likely to cause much depression for me now, but did in the past:
6. Drugs and Alcohol- You can also include medication in this here. I personally don't take medication and like to have the occasional drink. I quit smoking a while ago, and I haven't touched marijuana in quite some time. I know from previous experience that long term use of medication, smoking and drug use, and alcohol addiction will cause misery and long term depression. When it came to smoking pot and smoking cigarettes, nothing made me feel more accomplished than giving up those bad habits.
Aspies and Non-Aspies may relate to what I have said about depression. Anyone can do what they want to do to snap out of a funk they are in. It may or may not be the same thing
The reason why I am writing this is because I am bored. Many people know the feeling of boredom, it is just what people do with their time when they are bored is what counts. How many people go out for a a cigarette because they are bored, or go grab something to eat? What do people really do with their time when they are bored. Now anyone with Asperger's Syndrome (Aspie for short) gets bored easily, and I know this. I spend a lot of time doing absolutely nothing and I usually daydream in those moments. Wouldn't surprise me if other Aspies do this too, or any normal thinking human for that matter.
Thinking about life's up and downs, I have dealt with depression like most other Aspies deal with. Some seem to have it tougher than I do, and some don't. But how does one know how to really deal with depression better than others. There is no wrong answer to this, but maybe some advice to try something may help people feel better. I know what causes the depression here and the reasons are usually because:
1. Seasonal Depression- usually comes in the winter during Christmas, New years, and then my birthday. Each year is experienced differently, but I usually feel down during this time of the year. All this happens in a 6 week time period. Usually I do nothing to snap out of it, then gradually after my birthday I feel better every day that passes afterwards.
2. Lack of exercise and poor nutrition- I am totally obsessed with the idea of good fitness and good nutrition. I find it hard to be happy about the shape of my body and who I am without exercise and proper nutrition. (Side-note about obsession is that it is both, a strength and weakness for me.)
3. Isolation for extended periods of time- having people to talk to and hang out with is also key. They don't have to be new friends, and they can be roommates. I will warn you that your roommates may not care, but just make an attempt to spend time with them and things should be good. Always make time for the people you know and feel are your friends. Make sure to keep in contact with the friends you want to keep around. Don't always wait to hear from others, take the initiative.
4. What occupies your time- In other words, find a hobby. I personally like to read, watch movies/TV and play video games in my downtime. This should not be too hard for Aspies, since it is very easy for us people to get obsessive.
5. When obsession becomes addiction- You play that one good video game and you spend all of your spare time playing it and you stop enjoying life. I know this from experience.
Not likely to cause much depression for me now, but did in the past:
6. Drugs and Alcohol- You can also include medication in this here. I personally don't take medication and like to have the occasional drink. I quit smoking a while ago, and I haven't touched marijuana in quite some time. I know from previous experience that long term use of medication, smoking and drug use, and alcohol addiction will cause misery and long term depression. When it came to smoking pot and smoking cigarettes, nothing made me feel more accomplished than giving up those bad habits.
Aspies and Non-Aspies may relate to what I have said about depression. Anyone can do what they want to do to snap out of a funk they are in. It may or may not be the same thing
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