Aspergers and Infatuation

It seems to be a common topic of concern among many people with OCD or people on the Autism Spectrum.  We meet someone that we fancy a lot.  This ends up getting us into a lot of trouble if we are not careful with our emotions.  A normal thinking person could easily go through this stage as well, but end up learning their lessons early on in life.

The most important thing to learn about infatuation is this: it's a big crush that you happen to have on someone else.  It may not last for long.  The majority of the time I am infatuated with someone, I never end up dating them or in any sort of relationship with them.  In fact, I find they usually ignore me after a week or two.  These types of people always come and go.  The ones that don't go away fast enough though don't know how to express themselves, or they just happen to like the attention they are getting from me.  Only once can I recall actually being with someone I was infatuated with.  This person didn't like me at all after all was said and done.

It's important to realize that infatuation isn't love at all.  It's more or less an obsession.  You have this desire to know who the other person is despite their unwillingness or lack of comfort in opening up to you.  For some, the infatuation might make the person do something really ridiculous as well.  Be careful not to find out information about this person behind their back as they will not like this.  I find it quite rare that a person would do this, but infatuation can lead people to do things that really make the other person in this matter feel very uncomfortable.  If not careful controlling your infatuation, you will likely end up being told "I don't want you contacting me again." or worse.  I recommend listening since noone likes to be harassed.

So there you have it.  You might find yourself very interested in someone else, but the emotions aren't where they should be.  Your mind could possibly race all over the place as well.  Don't mistake infatuation with love either.  Love and compassion is listening when one opens up anyway.  Infatuation is more or less a person who takes a lot of interest in another individual, and maybe to the point of asking that person more than they would like to volunteer.

My top ten lessons learned in dating and relationships

From 8 girls I have seen or dated, (7 actually, the last one is just a good friend that I never got involved with and will stay that way), I can tell you that I have learned this much from the dating world.

1. Don’t get attached first- It seems the women I dated were instantly turned off if I got attached first before they did. It makes matters worse if they decide that they are too afraid to be honest with you out of fear of hurting your feelings. Of course, your feelings might be a cause of concern if you get attached and they haven't. Be responsible with your own feelings.
2. Beware of girls who are getting over their exes. Four of the ones I dated or got involved with fit this mold. They will not be looking for anything serious, but one claimed to be looking for something serious and wanted it from me. However, once the ex or someone they like more than you gets in the picture, you effectively become the second option and are put on the backburner. I have learned the responsible thing for me to do at this point is to just walk away and not interfere with these types of girls.
3. Never bring up the relationship first- The ones I got attached to resisted me because of this.
4. Be very careful about bringing up your diagnosis. I can honestly tell you that this is a double-edged sword. On one side, you will have someone that runs away when they find out. On the other hand, if you don't tell a person, they might believe you don't trust them. So choose very wisely and carefully who you reveal this information to.
5. Never say or do anything that could get you in trouble- Keep your personal stuff to yourself. Never tell a girl you are fooling around with that you have other options (duh). If they know ahead of time and have no problem with it, then that is their problem when one occurs. Never tell a confused girl, or someone that is more than willing to screw you over, if you are seeing anyone at all. You are responsible for your actions, and ultimately responsible for opening up to someone who ends up screwing you over first chance they get.  Never try and scare other guys off because you want the girl they want as well.
6. Keep your options open til you know for sure who and what you want- Girls don’t like being your only option as indicated in lesson one, but they do like knowing if you will make them the priority. It is easier to avoid attachments this way. Only go for the one you want when you know for sure you want her. Doesn’t mean she wants you back so tread carefully.
7. Girls are attracted to dominant leaders- Be more assertive and know what you want and take charge of a situation. This goes hand in hand with knowing what you want and going for it.
8. Beware of girls that don’t know what they want- Girls can be confusing. Girls number 1 and 5 both didn't know what they wanted. Their actions always proved that they want to make everyone happy without having to be honest with others as well. Be very careful when you cross paths with this type. Don't be forced to make decisions for them in regards to who they want to be with. Be responsible for yourself and do what you need to do to make yourself happy.
9. Pay attention to those who want to move slowly-There are reasons why. The main reason in my experience is always about whether they are over an ex yet and the pace they want to move on from them at.  Some may have an FWB in the picture. In my experience, I have never successfully entered a real relationship with someone who wanted to take things slowly. Make sure that things will work for both of you.
10. Don’t give anyone more respect than what you give yourself. This just opens up the door for problems and being abused and this is the most likely kind or relationship you will get in.  It will not be fun and will be very painful. This might be the most important lesson of course.

When is it time to let go?

I have realized that when I let go of everything that happened in the past when reading the Power of Now and the Secret of Letting Go, I made the brutal mistake of not letting go of what happened since.  I do remember wanting to let go and move on after a couple months, but I remember one person didn't want to let me go when i wanted to.  Months later, things carried on and things got painful, and people got hurt.  I got hurt.

After behaving strangely for the last couple weeks, today a deep sense of calm came over me at the end of the night.  It was time to let go of all that happened.  I need a clean slate moving forward.  I got involved with too many people and all of us got hurt in some way or another.  While they got over it, for some reason I never did.  It's time to take a refresher and read again and then hopefully approach everything with a new lease on life.

Why people are used as Scapegoats.

A little short thing I have in a book I wrote.  I have not published it yet, and I am taking the time to consider whether to publish or not.

The reasons genuinely caring Aspies are used as Scapegoats.

To be fair, it’s the same reason that any genuine, loving and caring person can be used as a scapegoat.  It has to do with the level of self-respect one presents to others.  It also has to do with how hard people are on themselves and the standards they try and live up to. 
It’s like the guy who caught the foul ball during the Chicago Cubs playoff baseball game back in 2003.  Because the team didn’t perform well after the incident, it was somehow his fault that the Cubs didn’t make it to the World Series that year.  The truth is, everyone can be fanatical about something and don’t even see the truth to their own decision making.  People simply don’t like taking responsibility for their actions and can dump them on someone else the first chance they get.  It’s much easier to do it to a genuinely caring person, especially someone on the autism spectrum.  Here are reasons why a person can be a spapegoat.

1.   As already stated, it has to do with the fact that genuinely caring people don’t put on acts to get what they want.  They do things that are caring and loving quite naturally.  However, the majority of people I meet just aren’t used to it or care for it either.

2. You are used out of self-interest.  You did or had something another person wanted, they took advantage of it and discarded you without any regard to your own feelings after they got what they wanted.

3. People simply make excuses for their own behaviour first chance they get.  It’s easier to blame a genuinely nice and caring person if you are perceived to be a doormat or weak.

4. Tactful communication- the genuinely caring person is always going to be able to communicate love and compassion for other people.  For some strange reason, this is too easy for other people since unpleasant behaviour is somehow better despite the suffering involved.  I know I have passed on good people for unpleasant people as well.  This is not gender specific.  However, check number 10 for why being truthful is considered rude.

5. We are more likely to call people out on their behaviour towards us.  This in turn causes people to blame us for their actions rather than take responsibility for it.  Anything done by another person to make us suffer is somehow our fault.

6. They way in which other people make connections is based on acts of self-interest.  As said before in reason number one, the natural connection is often taken for granted and not realized until it’s far too late.  Most people move on from an Aspie and believe that we won’t miss them at all.  Nothing can be further from the truth.  In fact, people don’t prove to me that they miss me either.

7. When walking away, people would rather brew up negative feelings about other people just so they have the excuse they need to give up and run away.  I am just as guilty of this as the next person.

8. Most people diagnosed with Autism or Aspergers usually don’t speak up for themselves and have no skills in manipulation.  Therefore, it’s easier to paint us out to be a bad guy or less skilled at something so that a more dominating person can get what they want.  Aspies and nice guys have to learn not to choose the path of least resistance and pick their battles more wisely.

9. Based on number 8, dominance and leadership are attractive qualities to have.

10. Being direct and honest is considered rude and mean.  The irony- leading other people on somehow isn’t considered rude.  It’s amazing that people are willing to make others suffer, but don’t like it when the sufferer speaks up to them about it.