Bullying.

I did feel that for the most part growing up, that I was always a victim of bullying.  I got physically bullied up until grade 6, but realized that since I was so big compared to everyone else in my classes that I might as well use my size to my advantage.  Didn't get physically bullied after that, but emotionally I was still easy to pick on.  Sometimes someone crossed the line and I cleaned their clock.  They didn't try it again.  However, I got labelled a violent kid as a result and other people would bully me, emotionally, for that reason.  My emotional meltdowns at school usually included some strange threats and people running away in fear.  My parents would then keep me at home for a couple days.  I did get involved in school sports throughout both elementary and high schools, and was usually one of the first picked because of my athletic abilities.  People only used me when they could benefit from doing so.

High school was similar to a degree, but a lot of people left me alone due to fear of what I might do if they angered me.  There were those who did not have fear and did try to physically and emotionally bully me during gym classes and lunch time games.  I stood up for myself quite well I thought, but people tried to tell me that "You will get your butt kicked if you think you can take me out.  You got no one supporting you, I got the whole school."  I tested that theory with one person, and everyone felt he deserved it and didn't back him up.  I was left alone for a while, then it continued.  Part of the reason I was bullied was because I did not play high school football, and I was pressured heavily by the players and coaches due to my size and pent up anger.  I played soccer instead and the soccer players got little respect from the other sports teams in the school, especially the football players.  Throughout school, I was used to girls saying about me "he is gross/ugly/creepy/weird."  I also had to deal with new students at school saying to me "Why is she/he telling me not to talk to you?" 

I got to college and did find people more accepting.  At first, one classmate invited me out for a double date, but I apparently offended my date and he would not tell me how.  I stopped communicating with him shortly after.  Other people within our group eventually pushed him out and we all kind of pushed each other away after as well.  I did find people were more open to communicating with me if they bumped into me.  Then I hit a minor depression again and snapped out of it and started to take fitness and nutrition more seriously.  I still had my friends, but I had not communicated with them after college was done.

Now I am past college experience and in the work world in a different city.  I don't hang out with anyone I work with, and usually stick with familiar faces that moved here as well.  I am also more prone to hang out with roommates and neighbours.  I have not been bullied at all at work, but I usually don't get invited to hang out with co-workers outside of work.  I find that people don't usually come to talk to me, or sit with me either.  I initiate most of the conversations I have others.  I don't really fit in at work and I think that is what causes my depression now.

Now after tall this, the thing I hate most about what I have said is that it had been all repressed until a couple months back when I hit another period of depression.  Now I realize just how deep things went for me because everything I did my best to forget about it is coming back to the surface.