A little backstory as to how I got where I am now.
I have written a post about the word love and what it meant to me. It still means very little to me. Happiness is a different word, and I am starting to understand what that means. I am also starting to understand relaxation and calm feelings again. I have been there before and I am still here now. However, I still have to work on quitting smoking again. I got my fitness back on track again, I have my mind at ease again, and I enjoy my spare time when I have it.
There was another breakdown and I believe a girl problem was essential this time. I remember the girl was 19 years old and I am a few years older than her. I met her at a party on St. Patricks day, and the group of us ended up at a dance club later on in the evening. Me and her were the last two to leave so I asked for her phone number before I left to go home. We kept in touch and I finally asked her to come and hang out with me one day and she said yes. I quit smoking the day after St. Patricks day, but this girl had no influence on the decision to quit since the decision was made before I went out that night
The day came and we watched a the New York Rangers and Ottawa Senators game five playoff game at a pub. We had a couple drinks, talked and then went to play some pool for an hour. I had a good time and I thought she did too. Soon she no replied my text messages and we were supposed to go out to a movie as well. She got back to me a little while later and she repeated to no reply me again after that. I would not see her again until a friend's birthday party. I relapsed because of this stress and was not really exercising a whole lot at this point. The relapse brought the breakdown on and I remember punching the wall in my bathroom. I also had stitches on my chin from a cut I gave myself around this time, but that is a different story and it was an accident, not an attempt at suicide.
At this friend's birthday party, I saw her come in about two hours after I did and she acknowledged me. I acknowledged her back. Throughout the night we did engage in some small talk, but I think it was obvious that I was not myself now and she saw the smoking habit had come back. I noticed that she was a smoker now too. I think she may have hit her downfall around this time and had some issues. She finally admitted to not having gotten over an ex boyfriend. I also noticed the way she was flirting with another guy and I eventually told her when I had a second with her alone that I did find her attractive and told her why. Unfortunately it sounded like I liked her. She seemed to have repeated the sentiment right back to me, but eventually went back inside to talk with the other guy she had been flirting with earlier.
She did eventually go to lie down and at that point I decided to say goodbye to her. She decided to get up and hug me, and eye contact was made and she kissed me. I kissed her back and this went on for a minute before she said she could not do anymore because she felt too drunk. I let her go and went outside and was ready to leave. She eventually decided to walk her brother out and her flirty new boy friend followed shortly after that. She came back up alone and said she was leaving with her brother but indicated at the same time she was going home with her new boy friend. Even I could see past this lie. I said bye to her again and we kissed again for some reason.
The next day I asked her if she still wanted to hang out sometime. The response I got was "Yeah, that sounds good. But I work 70 hours this week with no days off and I will get back to you when I see my schedule later." Why i even asked considering what happened the night before was foolish. Even talking to her seemed foolish now. Now I had to move on, and this was going to suck because I made the same mistake I had made many years before and promised not to make again. I removed the girl from all of my contact lists including facebook. If I was going to feel good in the long run, this was necessary.
I had a vacation coming up in June. Between the events that happened on this weekend and my vacation, I had to wait three weeks. I was at a low point and feeling even more depressed, but found myself thinking less of the girl as weeks went on. The problem now was the intense isolation and the obsessive writing I was doing. I had some dark thoughts on my mind and I was writing a story that went a long with a certain time period of my life, but I made it much darker than it really was. I did know that there had to be a satisfying ending to the story as well. I accomplished that and may choose to release the book through Amazon at one point. The second story is still ongoing and parts of third story have been written. I will give more details another time.
I finally got my week off and decided to drive back home to visit friends and family for the week. I got back home on the Friday evening and I still had not been to the gym in a while and had not done any running either. I knew I had lots of work to do to get back in to shape again. I at least ate well enough during my time away from the gym, but also found myself smoking more. I checked my weight and my parents place and noticed I dropped 15 lbs. The first Saturday I went out for a run. The Sunday I hung out with some friends as I did on Monday and Tuesday as well. I did not hit the gym again until the Tuesday and Wednesday of that week. By the time Wednesday rolled around I got bored at home and got the impression that my friends back at home would be busy for the rest of the week. I left and got back to to where I live on Thursday evening and contemplated showing up to work the next day before deciding not too. I did another workout and went out with some friends on the Friday night.
Since I got back from vacation, I have kept myself busy more often than not and enjoyed my spare time. I have been hanging out with some friends more often, but I have found myself to be a little more guarded than normal. I have met some new friends but find that I don't want to get too far ahead of myself either. I have found a couple new women that I have had some mild interest in, but feel some self-fulfilling prophetic attitude towards actually ever asking anyone out. Now I know that I have to work on this in order to get what I want.
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