Connecting with others

A boy on the Autism forums is just finishing his second year of college.  He has a crush on a girl, but it appears that he has problems getting her to hang out with him and open up.  Other than revealing that he has Aspergers and Anxiety issues, he mentioned that the girl also has anxiety issues.  If the girl is avoiding him and other men, the reason could be anxiety.  At the same time, I sense the two just aren’t connecting since he apparently got on her nerves (according to him).  Getting on someone’s nerves usually is enough to push a person away from what I have found in my experience in life. 

Why connecting matters to people:

People are able to connect with others for whatever reason.  There are also the select few that can form a close bond with you.  These types of people are the ones that stay in your life throughout and are usually never going to disappear.  Never once is a person who is closely connected to you ever going to be considered an acquaintance even in times when that friend starts acting like one.  When that connection is made, it usually lasts for a long time and possibly until life ends.

The problem here for the Aspie is he might not even understand how to connect with someone or how connecting with others work.  It’s a depressing thought to have and it helps explain why Aspies tend to isolate and have severe anxiety issues from time to time.  Depending on the severity of the diagnosed person’s Asperger’s behaviour, it’s likely people will not make the effort to include the Aspie in their life.  It’s usually up to the Aspie to find a way if he really wants to show people he can connect.  However, the Aspie may realize that any connections can be broken if he hits the wrong nerve with other people.

I find it hard to connect with people myself if I feel uncomfortable around them, or I sense they aren’t willing to communicate or make time with me.  Whatever connection I make relates to how others treat me.  There are times where I make the effort to connect, but I find it just isn’t happening for whatever reason.  Unfortunately for the Aspie, if his diagnosis is severe enough to prevent him from understanding the give and take aspect of any relationship, he could frustrate others in their ability to connect with him.

Abstract (tactful) vs concrete (literal) thinking and connecting:

I have also found that the major problem for the Aspie in his inability to connect is his bluntness and honesty.  It also doesn’t help when the Aspie is a literal thinker more often than not.  Literal thinkers tend to say what they mean and mean what they say.  This of course is not very tactful at all and the wrong thing can definitely be said at the wrong time.  Of course, any tactful thinker will have a hard time trying to read between the lines of what the Literal thinker says and this will further frustrate the abstract thinker.  Connections tend to be harder to make when there is an inability to read a social cue.  It seems to be a requirement to an abstract thinker that another person reads their cues if they were to form a close relationship with anyone.  This usually leaves the literal thinker in the dark and isolated.

Another problem that the abstract thinker might have with the literal thinker would be within the rules of socialization and connecting.  The literal thinker will see things in black and white more often than not, while many abstract thinkers tend to think in colours, or grey areas if you must.  There’s usually no grey areas to a literal thinker and the punishment must fit the crime in the eyes of the literal thinker.  So of course, for many female abstract thinkers that end up dating a literal thinker and let their emotions get the best of them, the literal thinker may miss the cue being presented to them and believe that the other meant what they said.  This can cause many missed connections.  However, I don’t see how abstract thinkers would care to deal with the black and white thinking of a literal thinker for too long.

Of course the literal thinker is often confused by the abstract thinker as a result of the grey areas being presented to them.  Since the literal thinker has the inability to read the social cues like an abstract thinker does, he doesn’t bother to read between the lines in what is told to him or he might miss the point.  If the literal thinker believes he is missing something, questions may be asked.  However, the Abstract thinker might get frustrated with having to explain things because they might be thinking “is he really that retarded?” (A harsh quote to use, but it gets the point across about frustration an abstract thinker might feel.)

Abstract thinkers and literal thinkers have a tendency to not understand eachother and as a result, connections can be hard to make.  It takes heavy compromising to understand eachother and sometimes it works out and other times it doesn’t.  Abstract thinkers tend to form better connections with like-minded people and literal thinkers have problems connecting with the abstract thinker.  I have no proof to show that literal thinkers have harder time forgiving others than an abstract thinker does, but I believe it could be true.  Nothing can really be blamed on one person for a missed connection.  The only explanation is that it is what it is.