I should note that I do not speak on behalf of my employer. I will not name my employer either as I am bound to a Business code of conduct and cannot speak directly to what is going on in my company. The below is an opinion of mine based on personal experience and isn't what the company states to be true.
This is an age old question. Perhaps I am writing this right now because I can truthfully say that I have asked this question to myself many times in the last three years. There is a lot of sufficient evidence to suggest this. I work in a unionized environment and the job I do is physically laborious. So I am more prone to workplace injuries to my back, legs and other areas of my body that are required for lifting. The worse I am finding is that my back pain is more in line to how strong my hip flexors and hip muscles are (perhaps a different topic for next week). However, as I mentioned I work in a unionized environment and I have maxed out on my pay as well. I am not getting anymore merit raises anytime soon.
The reasons why some might ask why their employer dislikes them could be for the following reasons. I know I have seen some examples of these in the workplace.
1. Getting hurt either at work or outside work.- My employer likes to act like an insurance agent in these scenarios from what I see. They like to ask so many questions as to where the injury was, how it happened and even like to ask what you like to do with your personal time. From what I have experience in a physical labour job, answering the question about what kind of exercises you do on your personal time will get you into trouble. No reasonable employer will ask you to not work out or exercise at the gym because they are "worried it would impact your ability to go to work." The only exception to that might be if you are doing extreme types of training (MMA or Olympic training for example).
But when your employer has the nerve to ask you while you are on a modified duties program at work, ""How much weight can you bench press Mike?" Take heed. Your employer is very likely going to use this information to limit liability and possibly influence any insurance payment you might get down the road. My answer to this question was "I don't worry about the numbers. I worry about optimizing my muscles." Which is truth. I wouldn't recommend worrying about the numbers at the gym. Worry about activating your muscles properly and making sure they get worked out and get stronger. Worry about doing the exercises safely. However, if you are recommended by a doctor or other medical practitioner to limit your weightlifting at work, I would recommend applying this to your workout exercises as well (ie. don't lift more than 50 lbs at the gym if you are told not to lift more than that at work). I don't know for sure how easy it is for such information to come back to haunt you, but with technology and social media being what it is today, I wouldn't take the chance.
2. Missed time/absenteeism- In connection with number one, you will have to be careful about missed days. My employer hates this with a passion it seems. So much so, that even injuries that are beyond your control appear to be pet peeves of his. I have seen instances in many jobs I worked in which urgent care matters (ie. PA day at school for your kid, but babysitter calls in sick leaving you stranded to make a last minute decision for your child's safety) have been held against an employee. Ultimately, the employee has chosen to leave the company in situations which they know arguing will be too costly, or they know the employer just won't listen to reason. I will not speculate on why the employer chooses to do this, but I do know that many employers want to pay less and less to employees these days if they can get away with it.
I like to believe most employers will be reasonable about absenteeism. I like to believe that they will acknowledge doctor notes and special emergency circumstances. However, if a pattern develops, they will likely start disliking you for the pattern of absences you have shown them. They will especially dislike you if you work in a union environment and there is little they can do about your patterns. I find in these situations, you can expect to receive letters of counsel or discipline that will go on your file. The reason behind this is when you eventually choose to file a grievance against your employer, they can argue your patterns of absenteeism, that you don't take discipline well or that you simply have an attitude problem. The letters are going to be on your file, and you can expect them to use these against you under these circumstances.
3. What is and isn't on your employee file- Sometimes an employer has to correct his wrongdoings, and sometimes you have to hand documentation in that will help protect you in your employment. Most reasonable employers will not mess with the information that is on your file. But I do find that in some places I have worked, and depending on who you are, the employer may act like you have never given them certain information before even though you know you have. In these circumstances, you need to protect yourself and always have copies of documents you provide them for your own records. This is where you make sure someone from HR themselves (whether they are on your side or not doesn't matter), receives a copy and stamps a date and time received on your copy of any documents provided. I can assure you they will make sure there is multiple copies of any documents they give you.
In the situation in which you have a grievance hearing and you win and letters are to be taken off your file or re-written, it will be your duty to follow up with HR and look at your file. You will want to do this to make sure that the management team and HR actually comply with the grievance award as the management team may want to see what they can get away with and push again. I have had a letter before in which I was accused of making a false statement in a meeting when minutes recorded from that meeting showed that I never actually made such a statement they accused me of making. They refused to change the letter and I had to push forward with a grievance. They ultimately changed the wording of the letter. A meeting on a similar issue proved to me that they kept the updated letter on their file.
4. Exclusion from certain activities. This tends to happen when an employee challenges the employer on a health and safety issue, or a policy issue at work. Whether the employee does it privately (possible grievance procedure plays out here), or publicly at a staff meeting (happens when private matters go nowhere or keep stalling), the employer will let it be known to you that he didn't appreciate you challenging him. What I have seen, the employer will be pretty subtle in letting you know.
I challenged the employer on a health and safety issue after I got hurt and ended up missing time because of this injury. Because this injury happened outside of work, I had meetings about the issue. I also found a little while later that the employer was also challenged by someone else on the same health and safety issue. Eventually an ergonomic assessment was done on the issue me and the other employee had. But what we found is that the employer excluded us from participating in this assessment. It gave us the opinion that our manager didn't want us to "hurt" the report they expected back from the assessor. These things can and will happen if management will want to run a business a certain way regardless of safety issues.
5. Denying leave for no reason or because they can- You can google the question "Can my employer deny me time off for my own wedding?" and you might be surprised with that result. The answer to that question in my province is "yes, they can." Whether you like it or not, the employers have that much say in either approving or denying leave. Now I have never seen an employer deny leave for that reason in my work experience. I think doing so would be a sign of bad faith. However, I am also finding out based on the patterns of absenteeism rule that they can ask for documentation regardless of how insensitive that sounds. Failure to provide a document would likely result in disciplinary action at it's most extreme punishment. However, the most likely thing to happen would be that you don't get paid vacation (if your company gives you credits) for that day in question. My fellow employees would definitely file a grievance based on that decision by management if it ever happens.
I also find that vacation leave is hard for my employer to cancel on an employee once it is approved as well. They can, however, (to the best of my knowledge) cancel planned emergency leaves at the last minute as I have seen them do it at least twice in the last couple years. Planned emergency leaves usually require the employee to leave for medical visits with a doctor or dentist. This of course though will put a strain on the employees wallet as he or she will likely have to pay the cancellation fee. In my workplace, some employees might choose to grieve such a decision if management refuses to reimburse the cancellation fee.
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These are just one of many things that employer does when he doesn't like a certain employee based on experience. Not all of them will be accurate based on your experience. But I know what I have seen with others in my work experience and what my employers have done to others. None of which I have stated was the worst thing I have ever seen. If anyone here reading this has a story that they want to share, feel free to so in the comments. I would advise to refrain from telling a story that could get them in trouble with their business's code of conduct or conflict of interest policies.
Saturday, 10 June 2017
Saturday, 3 June 2017
What's Wrong with me and dating? Or is it them?
Headnote: Keep in mind, I have not posted or written on this blog in three years. What I write may not be as lucid or clear like some of the writing I have previously done.
I remember in my early to mid twenties how strange and difficult dating could be. My hormones raged and I remember really wanting sex. A person with Aspergers wanting to get laid? Apparently a very scary thought from what we have observed in the past in circumstances like the Elliot Roger incident 3 years back. Except, was that man really an Aspie? Or just suspected? I don't recall any official report saying he was.
I am about to get married in the next couple months, so maybe I am a little out of touch with singles looking to mingle. I may not be 100% certain of what struggles they are going through now in their attempts to find a date and not be lonely every night of the week. But I remember being there and I remember the struggle was real. I remember feeling like crap and wondering what I did wrong on many occasions. I also remember the overthinking of every little aspect of my dating life. You keep asking all of these little questions like "Was that the right time to text her? Did I write too much? Did I write too little? Should I call her back immediately?" Yeah, all that stuff. Overthinking when I should call or text someone to ask them out. All this because of previous experience of people getting mad at me for whatever reason. Perhaps we forget that people get mad, but not necessarily at us. But since we were there at the time they needed to vent, we assume they were mad at us.
Ok, maybe the person really wasn't mad at you to begin with. I get that. People are allowed to be frustrated and angry and vent. Something we tend to forget is people are allowed to express these feelings and need someone to talk to. We let people vent provided they control their temper as well, or otherwise we wouldn't listen. Sometimes though, these people we were dating didn't want to hear you vent. But if you lack the self-esteem like most Aspies did in their dating life, you always think it is you and not them. This is a very depressing road to go down. You overthink your every action and lose the self confidence. You overthink every word and suddenly become afraid to talk to women.
Any self respecting individual will know when the other person is full of it and when they aren't. I know from an Aspie male's experience (remember I frequented Wrongplanet.net and me and other men were very much alike), that we tend to take the blame for everything that goes wrong in a potential relationship. It makes us doormats to be short and others see this. No self respecting woman will date us. Opportunists on the other hand will see a chance to take something from us and take it and do whatever they want with us. Those people eventually disappear as well.
Part of the problem with overthinking is that we tend to forget who we are and become something we aren't. You start asking for advice from others, like on wrongplanet or pof for example. However, the problem with opinions on the internet is that too many opinions are thrown at you. You also start thinking that being who you are isn't working and you become something you aren't. This is a also a dangerous trap that leads some Aspies into PUA articles and websites.
But the thought has to occur at some point that maybe it isn't all on us. It takes time and some reflection to gain the self confidence to realize that it isn't always us. In some scenarios, it really should have only taken a no response from someone, or rude behaviour from someone else to realize that it may not have been me. Sure, I can reflect and look at a situation and say to myself "I could have done better here." However, I should still be able to walk away with no regrets. No regret because I knew I did my best and I was myself the whole time. If I lost my temper, or said something rude myself, I remember that I need to improve there. But I shouldn't hate myself for it.
I remember in my early to mid twenties how strange and difficult dating could be. My hormones raged and I remember really wanting sex. A person with Aspergers wanting to get laid? Apparently a very scary thought from what we have observed in the past in circumstances like the Elliot Roger incident 3 years back. Except, was that man really an Aspie? Or just suspected? I don't recall any official report saying he was.
I am about to get married in the next couple months, so maybe I am a little out of touch with singles looking to mingle. I may not be 100% certain of what struggles they are going through now in their attempts to find a date and not be lonely every night of the week. But I remember being there and I remember the struggle was real. I remember feeling like crap and wondering what I did wrong on many occasions. I also remember the overthinking of every little aspect of my dating life. You keep asking all of these little questions like "Was that the right time to text her? Did I write too much? Did I write too little? Should I call her back immediately?" Yeah, all that stuff. Overthinking when I should call or text someone to ask them out. All this because of previous experience of people getting mad at me for whatever reason. Perhaps we forget that people get mad, but not necessarily at us. But since we were there at the time they needed to vent, we assume they were mad at us.
Ok, maybe the person really wasn't mad at you to begin with. I get that. People are allowed to be frustrated and angry and vent. Something we tend to forget is people are allowed to express these feelings and need someone to talk to. We let people vent provided they control their temper as well, or otherwise we wouldn't listen. Sometimes though, these people we were dating didn't want to hear you vent. But if you lack the self-esteem like most Aspies did in their dating life, you always think it is you and not them. This is a very depressing road to go down. You overthink your every action and lose the self confidence. You overthink every word and suddenly become afraid to talk to women.
Any self respecting individual will know when the other person is full of it and when they aren't. I know from an Aspie male's experience (remember I frequented Wrongplanet.net and me and other men were very much alike), that we tend to take the blame for everything that goes wrong in a potential relationship. It makes us doormats to be short and others see this. No self respecting woman will date us. Opportunists on the other hand will see a chance to take something from us and take it and do whatever they want with us. Those people eventually disappear as well.
Part of the problem with overthinking is that we tend to forget who we are and become something we aren't. You start asking for advice from others, like on wrongplanet or pof for example. However, the problem with opinions on the internet is that too many opinions are thrown at you. You also start thinking that being who you are isn't working and you become something you aren't. This is a also a dangerous trap that leads some Aspies into PUA articles and websites.
But the thought has to occur at some point that maybe it isn't all on us. It takes time and some reflection to gain the self confidence to realize that it isn't always us. In some scenarios, it really should have only taken a no response from someone, or rude behaviour from someone else to realize that it may not have been me. Sure, I can reflect and look at a situation and say to myself "I could have done better here." However, I should still be able to walk away with no regrets. No regret because I knew I did my best and I was myself the whole time. If I lost my temper, or said something rude myself, I remember that I need to improve there. But I shouldn't hate myself for it.
Saturday, 31 May 2014
Lessons to reflect on
As I read through the forums and through online articles, I notice
that there are a lot of interesting comments. I, just like everyone
else, has an opinion to share. But I have observed the following things
in my life and realize the importance behind each lesson I have
learned.
1. Be thankful for each day: God has opened my eyes to some things and I am thankful for every day that passes now and every day that I have. Each day brings something to me that I can share with others.
2. It doesn't matter who has it easier: I always see people argue about who has it easier in life than others. Sometimes we believe that others aren't getting what they deserve and neither are we. Why focus on others and how easy we think they have it in life? The majority of the time, we end up finding out that they don't actually have it that easy at all.
3. Learn what forgiveness is: Ultimately, to keep loving friends and family in your life, you have to be able to learn how to forgive these people for their trespasses against you. It also doesn't hurt to forgive those who have left your life either. In fact, forgiving all those from your past for any wrongdoing is far more healthy than holding a grudge, and is also more pleasing to my Lord and Saviour.
4. Noone is ever truly looking for romance: Many people look for romantic relationships, but end up finding them for the wrong reasons. Many friendships also develop and love is also developed between friends. Romance happens for a reason and it can't really be forced or manipulated. For those who do force romance, observe how happy these people truly are and you may be in for a surprise.
5. To guys with romantic girlfriends: The reasons you like your girlfriend will more often than not be the same reasons other guys like your girlfriend. Some will try and convince your girlfriend to dump you and be with them instead (even if for one thing only). The clever ones will know not to overstep her boundaries, but will often attempt to overstep yours in attempts to make you react in a manner that will scare your girl away from you. Smart guys will be supportive and leave it alone and move on to the next one.
6. To girls with romantic boyfriends: There will be other girls that like your boyfriend for the same reasons you do. However, it should be easy to spot people who will support your relationships and your decisions. There will be friends in your life that simply don't like your choice of boyfriends, so the choice will be up to you what to do when they speak up.
7. Misery truly does love company: Nothing can be truer for when you open up about what is bothering you. Your loved ones and good friends will support you when you are feeling down and will be happy to see you come back up again after a rough period in your life. Most other people would like to keep you down to boost their own egos.
8. Don't try to fool yourself: and don't try to fool God either. God always knows when you are trying to fool him and it will eat away at you if you even try. Be honest with yourself and God and open up all your thoughts and feelings to god and repent when you need to. This is the most important step to understanding forgiveness.
1. Be thankful for each day: God has opened my eyes to some things and I am thankful for every day that passes now and every day that I have. Each day brings something to me that I can share with others.
2. It doesn't matter who has it easier: I always see people argue about who has it easier in life than others. Sometimes we believe that others aren't getting what they deserve and neither are we. Why focus on others and how easy we think they have it in life? The majority of the time, we end up finding out that they don't actually have it that easy at all.
3. Learn what forgiveness is: Ultimately, to keep loving friends and family in your life, you have to be able to learn how to forgive these people for their trespasses against you. It also doesn't hurt to forgive those who have left your life either. In fact, forgiving all those from your past for any wrongdoing is far more healthy than holding a grudge, and is also more pleasing to my Lord and Saviour.
4. Noone is ever truly looking for romance: Many people look for romantic relationships, but end up finding them for the wrong reasons. Many friendships also develop and love is also developed between friends. Romance happens for a reason and it can't really be forced or manipulated. For those who do force romance, observe how happy these people truly are and you may be in for a surprise.
5. To guys with romantic girlfriends: The reasons you like your girlfriend will more often than not be the same reasons other guys like your girlfriend. Some will try and convince your girlfriend to dump you and be with them instead (even if for one thing only). The clever ones will know not to overstep her boundaries, but will often attempt to overstep yours in attempts to make you react in a manner that will scare your girl away from you. Smart guys will be supportive and leave it alone and move on to the next one.
6. To girls with romantic boyfriends: There will be other girls that like your boyfriend for the same reasons you do. However, it should be easy to spot people who will support your relationships and your decisions. There will be friends in your life that simply don't like your choice of boyfriends, so the choice will be up to you what to do when they speak up.
7. Misery truly does love company: Nothing can be truer for when you open up about what is bothering you. Your loved ones and good friends will support you when you are feeling down and will be happy to see you come back up again after a rough period in your life. Most other people would like to keep you down to boost their own egos.
8. Don't try to fool yourself: and don't try to fool God either. God always knows when you are trying to fool him and it will eat away at you if you even try. Be honest with yourself and God and open up all your thoughts and feelings to god and repent when you need to. This is the most important step to understanding forgiveness.
Cheating and Forgiveness Among Men and Women.
We find that many people can forgive and forget, and others can't. I
have noticed that relationships need a lot of forgiveness and love in
order to succeed. Love and forgiveness often brings joy and peace to
the people in your life. So what happens when someone does something
that hurts you?
I have three options:
1. My first option would be to pray to God and look in the direction that I am guided to afterwards.
2. Brood on what I am told and speak about it with people that aren't involved so that they can tell me what to do.
3. Self-destruct and do something I absolutely should not do (Drink myself to drunkenness while I'm upset as an example).
That last option is by far the worst option in my honest opinion. The second option could lead you either way as what you hear can be either good advice or bad advice. But if you are looking for a good opinion on that matter, I find the more I talk about my worries, the more negative I get. Prayer as i am finding it is the best option. However, remember that the problem you are having needs to be sorted out with anyone that might be involved. How you handle your side of the problem will determine the response you get from others as well.
Cheating and Forgiveness
I will try to avoid generalizing as much as possible and try to avoid being sexist. I just want to say that in my experience, I have met these types of people. Secondly, in the wake of the Elliot Rodger incident, I don't in any way think this is misogynistic at all. I do believe to a degree that too many people are jumping on the #yesallwomen bandwagon and I know full well that it is being overplayed. There are women out there that suffer. But don't mistake this either: men and women can be equally as nasty to each other.
I have found that in my experience communicating with men and women that it seems that the biggest source of emotional pain for women, or wounded ego (pride) for men is when an affair occurs in a relationship or marriage. I won't even bother with many of the reasons why people do it. I do believe to a degree that some men and women will do it for pre-meditated reasons and because the opportunity presented itself. My stand on cheating is that there isn't any good reason for doing so no matter how you look at it. I have seen people drive themselves to guilt over the decision to do so and it could have been avoided if they just went to the partner and said "it's over between us" before going to the next person. However, people do make their own decisions and it doesn't always make sense to me.
Now, from what I have seen, Women seem more likely to take a man back for committing an act of infidelity. I do believe that because women are more in tune with the emotional side of themselves and therefore can forgive a little easier than men. In other words: a lot of women don't let their egos get in the way of love. However, for those that do let their egos get in the way just a little bit, (and this has happened in the past for me and from what I have seen with other issues that occur) an opportunity will present itself for her to get even with the guy. The guy if he wants to keep the girl will almost always have to grin and bear it. An unwillingness to accept what you deserve often ends the relationship. At least that is how some might see it.
The reason why men find it harder to forgive an act of infidelity has more to do with their ego (pride). Nothing brings a man down quicker than having their pride destroyed by their wife or girlfriend having an affair with someone else. The guy is likely going to think that she did this because "she believes I'm not good enough." There could be all sorts of reasons why she chose to cheat, but of course, the question comes down to "Did I deserve this?" People will tell you that you did if you cheated first. I don't know for sure if you deserved it. But i will say this: no you didn't and you shouldn't have to accept the excuses as to why she cheated. To fall for her justifications and excuses enables her to get away with it again.
The bottom line can easily be a problem or issue within a marriage/relationship. Maybe someone has a poor sense of boundaries and has no idea what they will tolerate and what their partner will tolerate. Maybe there are misunderstandings. More often than not, I find it is: "I want out, but I didn't have the courage to tell you. So I acted out instead and hoped you would notice." Of course, people don't like getting caught either and can't bare the responsibility of their actions.
I also had an interesting conversation with a couple girl friends recently about people that stray as well. One of them actually did say that they find the attitude of looking around while actively involved in a relationship or marriage as selfish. The belief conveyed was the majority of time, the person looking is not willing to let go of the previous partner unless the new partner can offer something that satisfies their ego. This is going on the belief that the person doing this is bored and can't stand the responsibilities that come with being a mother/father and a husband/wife. This is also going on the belief that no amount of love shown to the person behaving this way is good enough. It's simply a lot of speculation, and I can't really go much further than that on the topic.
But from what I have experienced myself: I did play the field after a relationship in the past. I got involved with two ladies around the same time period. I found out that one person was actively looking for a relationship and was hoping to get it from me. Although we never had the exclusive talk, she felt that me getting involved with the other girl was cheating. She indicated a willingness to forgive and allow me the opportunity to clean up, but I instead chose the path of self-destruction and destroyed whatever was left of that friendship and relationship with some hurtful words.
Of course the next two girls I dated, I am convinced they cheated on my with their ex boyfriends even though I know they won't admit to it. Yeah, for those who believe in karma, I certainly got what I deserved. I also question whether they left them, but that doesn't matter anymore either. The truth is, I'm not willing to take them back and looking back at the experience with the two girls prior, I didn't understand why one would choose to forgive for such an act. I knew from one of these two that cheated on me that she was looking to see what she could get away with and I wasn't allowing it.
The first of those two taught me a lesson about taking people back: do it once and get away with it, you can do it again and again without consequence. In other words, you enable the cheating and bad behaviour and choose to do nothing about it. Guess what happens when you speak up about the poor treatment you receive? More often than not, I have found myself going about it the wrong way if I allowed someone to blatantly disrespect my boundaries like that. The person has gotten away with disrespecting and disregarding your boundaries. The chances are slim they will take you seriously when you are upset about it.
I got involved in quite the mess, and I know that this helped destroy my sense of well being a little. I knew I shouldn't have allowed the types to continue being too involved in my life. I did in fact suffer a workplace injury during the time period as well. The unfortunate part was that it was a concussion. Considering my history of anxiety and depression and anger issues, the post concussion symptoms were harsh. I was called a "piece of crap" by that first cheater who appeared to be ready to do it again to her boyfriend, but with another guy. I was also told I was worse than her boyfriend. She was also downright criticizing me and I was for some reason allowing it. Instead of staying away from the environments she frequented to as well (we had many mutual friends and acquaintences), I kept showing up (after a short break from going). She eventually stopped going to these environments. Any new friends she made told me that they get frustrated around her at points as well.
Now of course, I have written down and really looked at my past relationships and realize what it is that I will not put up with and what are deal breakers to me now. I know that many others do the same thing. I have come to realize that cheating is something that I can forgive, but I sure won't be interested in taking someone back for it. Having dealt with the pain before and being abused by people who simply didn't care how I felt, why would I deal with that abuse?
I have three options:
1. My first option would be to pray to God and look in the direction that I am guided to afterwards.
2. Brood on what I am told and speak about it with people that aren't involved so that they can tell me what to do.
3. Self-destruct and do something I absolutely should not do (Drink myself to drunkenness while I'm upset as an example).
That last option is by far the worst option in my honest opinion. The second option could lead you either way as what you hear can be either good advice or bad advice. But if you are looking for a good opinion on that matter, I find the more I talk about my worries, the more negative I get. Prayer as i am finding it is the best option. However, remember that the problem you are having needs to be sorted out with anyone that might be involved. How you handle your side of the problem will determine the response you get from others as well.
Cheating and Forgiveness
I will try to avoid generalizing as much as possible and try to avoid being sexist. I just want to say that in my experience, I have met these types of people. Secondly, in the wake of the Elliot Rodger incident, I don't in any way think this is misogynistic at all. I do believe to a degree that too many people are jumping on the #yesallwomen bandwagon and I know full well that it is being overplayed. There are women out there that suffer. But don't mistake this either: men and women can be equally as nasty to each other.
I have found that in my experience communicating with men and women that it seems that the biggest source of emotional pain for women, or wounded ego (pride) for men is when an affair occurs in a relationship or marriage. I won't even bother with many of the reasons why people do it. I do believe to a degree that some men and women will do it for pre-meditated reasons and because the opportunity presented itself. My stand on cheating is that there isn't any good reason for doing so no matter how you look at it. I have seen people drive themselves to guilt over the decision to do so and it could have been avoided if they just went to the partner and said "it's over between us" before going to the next person. However, people do make their own decisions and it doesn't always make sense to me.
Now, from what I have seen, Women seem more likely to take a man back for committing an act of infidelity. I do believe that because women are more in tune with the emotional side of themselves and therefore can forgive a little easier than men. In other words: a lot of women don't let their egos get in the way of love. However, for those that do let their egos get in the way just a little bit, (and this has happened in the past for me and from what I have seen with other issues that occur) an opportunity will present itself for her to get even with the guy. The guy if he wants to keep the girl will almost always have to grin and bear it. An unwillingness to accept what you deserve often ends the relationship. At least that is how some might see it.
The reason why men find it harder to forgive an act of infidelity has more to do with their ego (pride). Nothing brings a man down quicker than having their pride destroyed by their wife or girlfriend having an affair with someone else. The guy is likely going to think that she did this because "she believes I'm not good enough." There could be all sorts of reasons why she chose to cheat, but of course, the question comes down to "Did I deserve this?" People will tell you that you did if you cheated first. I don't know for sure if you deserved it. But i will say this: no you didn't and you shouldn't have to accept the excuses as to why she cheated. To fall for her justifications and excuses enables her to get away with it again.
The bottom line can easily be a problem or issue within a marriage/relationship. Maybe someone has a poor sense of boundaries and has no idea what they will tolerate and what their partner will tolerate. Maybe there are misunderstandings. More often than not, I find it is: "I want out, but I didn't have the courage to tell you. So I acted out instead and hoped you would notice." Of course, people don't like getting caught either and can't bare the responsibility of their actions.
I also had an interesting conversation with a couple girl friends recently about people that stray as well. One of them actually did say that they find the attitude of looking around while actively involved in a relationship or marriage as selfish. The belief conveyed was the majority of time, the person looking is not willing to let go of the previous partner unless the new partner can offer something that satisfies their ego. This is going on the belief that the person doing this is bored and can't stand the responsibilities that come with being a mother/father and a husband/wife. This is also going on the belief that no amount of love shown to the person behaving this way is good enough. It's simply a lot of speculation, and I can't really go much further than that on the topic.
But from what I have experienced myself: I did play the field after a relationship in the past. I got involved with two ladies around the same time period. I found out that one person was actively looking for a relationship and was hoping to get it from me. Although we never had the exclusive talk, she felt that me getting involved with the other girl was cheating. She indicated a willingness to forgive and allow me the opportunity to clean up, but I instead chose the path of self-destruction and destroyed whatever was left of that friendship and relationship with some hurtful words.
Of course the next two girls I dated, I am convinced they cheated on my with their ex boyfriends even though I know they won't admit to it. Yeah, for those who believe in karma, I certainly got what I deserved. I also question whether they left them, but that doesn't matter anymore either. The truth is, I'm not willing to take them back and looking back at the experience with the two girls prior, I didn't understand why one would choose to forgive for such an act. I knew from one of these two that cheated on me that she was looking to see what she could get away with and I wasn't allowing it.
The first of those two taught me a lesson about taking people back: do it once and get away with it, you can do it again and again without consequence. In other words, you enable the cheating and bad behaviour and choose to do nothing about it. Guess what happens when you speak up about the poor treatment you receive? More often than not, I have found myself going about it the wrong way if I allowed someone to blatantly disrespect my boundaries like that. The person has gotten away with disrespecting and disregarding your boundaries. The chances are slim they will take you seriously when you are upset about it.
I got involved in quite the mess, and I know that this helped destroy my sense of well being a little. I knew I shouldn't have allowed the types to continue being too involved in my life. I did in fact suffer a workplace injury during the time period as well. The unfortunate part was that it was a concussion. Considering my history of anxiety and depression and anger issues, the post concussion symptoms were harsh. I was called a "piece of crap" by that first cheater who appeared to be ready to do it again to her boyfriend, but with another guy. I was also told I was worse than her boyfriend. She was also downright criticizing me and I was for some reason allowing it. Instead of staying away from the environments she frequented to as well (we had many mutual friends and acquaintences), I kept showing up (after a short break from going). She eventually stopped going to these environments. Any new friends she made told me that they get frustrated around her at points as well.
Now of course, I have written down and really looked at my past relationships and realize what it is that I will not put up with and what are deal breakers to me now. I know that many others do the same thing. I have come to realize that cheating is something that I can forgive, but I sure won't be interested in taking someone back for it. Having dealt with the pain before and being abused by people who simply didn't care how I felt, why would I deal with that abuse?
Saturday, 24 May 2014
A rant against the UCSB shooter.
Edit May 25, 2014-
I wanted to add this to those on the spectrum that might be upset and feeling rather worried. I felt extremely worried after the Sandy Hook incident myself. I remember the backlash that went against those diagnosed was nowhere near as bad as I thought it could be. In fact, I don't recall any backlash at all.
The media focused more on Elliot Rodger's manifesto and video more than they did on a diagnosis. Other than this blog entry I had written below on the 24th of May, I will not bring up any mention of the topic of this shooter or Sandy Hook in any future blog entry. The only exception is a brief passing mention in a reflective blog entry about what I might have been going through at the time.
--------------
Here we go again. I wrote a blog entry 17 months ago detailing how I felt about the shootings committed by a 20 year old named Adam Lanza in Connecticut. 17 months later, we now have a guy killing women because he doesn't like being a virgin at the age of 22?
I was a virgin at the age of 22, and I had a lot of people run their mouths in their life about how being a man meant sleeping with women. The interesting thing is that over the years, I learned just how full of crap some of these people can be as well. I also learned that many of these men that claimed that they slept with a high number of women were just braggers who knew far less than they claimed to have actually known. Granted, some knew what they wanted and that was sex. I eventually realized that as much fun as sex was, it never actually made me feel happy to just have sex with someone.
I had a busy day on the 24th of May. I first heard about this incident when me and my girlfriend were heading out to the beach. She told me some young kid shot up a bunch of women on some street because he was unhappy with being a virgin or because he didn't like being rejected. I remember saying at the time that I wouldn't be surprised in the least bit if this guy somehow ends up being reported as being diagnosed with Aspergers or Autism. There was never another time where I hated being right.
Some of my blog readers know I frequently visit and post on the Love and Dating section of wrongplanet.net. It was when I read this thread (click here) on the website where I found out that I was right and I just cringed. You will see that many people in this thread are very upset about this. There are probably other links on the website right now that will also show this. Any other autism forum, i wouldn't be surprised if there are people who feel hurt as well. It's like the Adam Lanza incident all over again. The stigma will continue and it isn't going to get any better. The BBC apparently reported that he was diagnosed with Aspergers in this Link. I also found it interesting that this kid is also a son of a filmmaker in Hollywood.
Now of course there is the video Elliot Rodgers posted which I watched with the girlfriend. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. First off, he comments on how hurt he feels over the rejection he faces. He then questions why women choose other men over him since he is such a great guy. Comments on how he has his sexual advances rejected. Comments on how he feels superior to other people. What was I just hearing? Yeah, this is not Aspergers talking. This is self-entitlement and selfishness talking here. There was nothing loving about what he said.
Newsflash for everyone: Typically, an Aspie goes through all sorts of rejection in their life. I have, and so has just about any other Aspie. So does everyone else regardless of a diagnosis or not. All i heard in this video is "I want to have sex" and "if you won't have sex with me, I will get my revenge." This is how everyone is going to look at it. We will also see a superiority complex with the way he talks about women and other people in general. Nice guys aren't entitled to anything. I also see a guy in the video who seems to not understand that others have boundaries and want them to be respected.
We also get someone posting on a PUA hate blog about a PUA response. Take a look at Amanda Hess' blog entry here. I'm glad this was posted as I am sure people know how I feel about PUA communities by now and Amanda has provided links to back herself up. Some of these guys apparently suggested that they could have helped prevent the deaths if Elliot listened to them or if Elliot allowed someone to coach him. This is quite disturbing in it's own right if people truly believe that.
I really don't know if I should feel sorry or Elliot and the rejection he felt. I remember how it felt to be rejected and I remember the hormones raging within me and wanting to have sex at that age as well. But I also remember I got through college without and I find that it doesn't bother me. I always seemed to have friends around to talk to and hang out with.
However, I do know that temptation can come when we are isolated as well. People can be tempted to do all sorts of weird and possibly dangerous things when they are kept to themselves for too long. This isolation definitely has nothing to do with Aspergers. It has more to do with not having people around to influence you about what is wrong or right. There is no moral conscience to develop from isolation. Of course, isolation could be forced on yourself if you refuse to listen to others as well.
When it all comes down to it, it's really hard for me to gauge how I should feel about this other than appalled that it happened again. Another terrible incident involving a shooter who is said to be diagnosed with Aspergers. May the families of the victims have God on their side in this tough time and may they mourn the losses and do what they can to move forward. May there be prayers and expressions of love given to those affected and may they be helped in this tough time in their lives.
I also pray and wish for those diagnosed not to panic too much over this incident. I know it's very tempting to be upset and mad about all of this. I know many others who promote and love to hate others will do what they want to do and make you feel unloved as well. Just know that those who make you feel unloved probably don't understand what love really is, but only claim to know. And after all, learn to forgive those who make you feel unloved as they may not know what forgiveness is either.
I wanted to add this to those on the spectrum that might be upset and feeling rather worried. I felt extremely worried after the Sandy Hook incident myself. I remember the backlash that went against those diagnosed was nowhere near as bad as I thought it could be. In fact, I don't recall any backlash at all.
The media focused more on Elliot Rodger's manifesto and video more than they did on a diagnosis. Other than this blog entry I had written below on the 24th of May, I will not bring up any mention of the topic of this shooter or Sandy Hook in any future blog entry. The only exception is a brief passing mention in a reflective blog entry about what I might have been going through at the time.
--------------
Here we go again. I wrote a blog entry 17 months ago detailing how I felt about the shootings committed by a 20 year old named Adam Lanza in Connecticut. 17 months later, we now have a guy killing women because he doesn't like being a virgin at the age of 22?
I was a virgin at the age of 22, and I had a lot of people run their mouths in their life about how being a man meant sleeping with women. The interesting thing is that over the years, I learned just how full of crap some of these people can be as well. I also learned that many of these men that claimed that they slept with a high number of women were just braggers who knew far less than they claimed to have actually known. Granted, some knew what they wanted and that was sex. I eventually realized that as much fun as sex was, it never actually made me feel happy to just have sex with someone.
I had a busy day on the 24th of May. I first heard about this incident when me and my girlfriend were heading out to the beach. She told me some young kid shot up a bunch of women on some street because he was unhappy with being a virgin or because he didn't like being rejected. I remember saying at the time that I wouldn't be surprised in the least bit if this guy somehow ends up being reported as being diagnosed with Aspergers or Autism. There was never another time where I hated being right.
Some of my blog readers know I frequently visit and post on the Love and Dating section of wrongplanet.net. It was when I read this thread (click here) on the website where I found out that I was right and I just cringed. You will see that many people in this thread are very upset about this. There are probably other links on the website right now that will also show this. Any other autism forum, i wouldn't be surprised if there are people who feel hurt as well. It's like the Adam Lanza incident all over again. The stigma will continue and it isn't going to get any better. The BBC apparently reported that he was diagnosed with Aspergers in this Link. I also found it interesting that this kid is also a son of a filmmaker in Hollywood.
Now of course there is the video Elliot Rodgers posted which I watched with the girlfriend. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. First off, he comments on how hurt he feels over the rejection he faces. He then questions why women choose other men over him since he is such a great guy. Comments on how he has his sexual advances rejected. Comments on how he feels superior to other people. What was I just hearing? Yeah, this is not Aspergers talking. This is self-entitlement and selfishness talking here. There was nothing loving about what he said.
Newsflash for everyone: Typically, an Aspie goes through all sorts of rejection in their life. I have, and so has just about any other Aspie. So does everyone else regardless of a diagnosis or not. All i heard in this video is "I want to have sex" and "if you won't have sex with me, I will get my revenge." This is how everyone is going to look at it. We will also see a superiority complex with the way he talks about women and other people in general. Nice guys aren't entitled to anything. I also see a guy in the video who seems to not understand that others have boundaries and want them to be respected.
We also get someone posting on a PUA hate blog about a PUA response. Take a look at Amanda Hess' blog entry here. I'm glad this was posted as I am sure people know how I feel about PUA communities by now and Amanda has provided links to back herself up. Some of these guys apparently suggested that they could have helped prevent the deaths if Elliot listened to them or if Elliot allowed someone to coach him. This is quite disturbing in it's own right if people truly believe that.
I really don't know if I should feel sorry or Elliot and the rejection he felt. I remember how it felt to be rejected and I remember the hormones raging within me and wanting to have sex at that age as well. But I also remember I got through college without and I find that it doesn't bother me. I always seemed to have friends around to talk to and hang out with.
However, I do know that temptation can come when we are isolated as well. People can be tempted to do all sorts of weird and possibly dangerous things when they are kept to themselves for too long. This isolation definitely has nothing to do with Aspergers. It has more to do with not having people around to influence you about what is wrong or right. There is no moral conscience to develop from isolation. Of course, isolation could be forced on yourself if you refuse to listen to others as well.
When it all comes down to it, it's really hard for me to gauge how I should feel about this other than appalled that it happened again. Another terrible incident involving a shooter who is said to be diagnosed with Aspergers. May the families of the victims have God on their side in this tough time and may they mourn the losses and do what they can to move forward. May there be prayers and expressions of love given to those affected and may they be helped in this tough time in their lives.
I also pray and wish for those diagnosed not to panic too much over this incident. I know it's very tempting to be upset and mad about all of this. I know many others who promote and love to hate others will do what they want to do and make you feel unloved as well. Just know that those who make you feel unloved probably don't understand what love really is, but only claim to know. And after all, learn to forgive those who make you feel unloved as they may not know what forgiveness is either.
Thursday, 13 March 2014
Forgiveness, love and the nice guy + the book of Job
Please note that this blog entry has been edited a few times since original posting.
I got through nine pages of this thread on Wrongplanet.net where the OP asked "Who are the Self-Proclaimed Nice Guys?". Decided I had enough half way through that ninth page. I read some interesting comments. One poster pointed out that Christians think they are entitled to love because they grew up believing that God will love them. Well... here is my take on that because love involves a lot of forgiveness.
Later on after writing this entry, I finished reading that thread and realized that this blog is appropriate considering the topics of conversation. Being forgiving is very difficult and many people won't forgive a person that laments or is angry all the time, or is simply out for themselves. Yet, some of these type of people who lament or are angry claim to be nice guys. I should know, I was once like that when I was younger---> "how come you're dating that guy when he treats you like that? I would be much nicer to you." (I pull the disappearing act the next day, repeat those words in a week or two)
I'm not sure how many people ever truly understand the love of God, or accepting Christ as their saviour. Having just read through the book of Job (still have a few chapters to go in that book, and I think this is a great story), I noticed that a blameless man (Job) who never did wrong to anyone became the victim of some bad things happening in his life. The story reveals that God made a deal with Satan at the begining of that story because Satan wanted to prove that Job would curse against the Lord if bad things happened. (Words are mine to illustrate the point) God said to Satan "Do what you will, but don't kill the man."
Of course, Job lost his livestock, lost the respect of his friends and family, people tried to manipulate him, his wife made fun of him for having faith in God, and Job got sick. A few friends came to speak to him, but all sat in silence with Job for a week before Job spoke up. Job lamented on how he never did anything wrong and that God must be punishing him for something, but for what? His friends assumed he sinned and must repent. His friends insisted that Job didn't know God. However, Job wouldn't repent as he had not cursed against God.
I took a break before finishing the book of Job and had started this blog entry between readings. I still found the message of forgiveness applied. The Lord spoke to Job and Job replied. The three friends never spoke truth about the Lord and Job did. Although Job had never seen God before the end of this story, he had heard of the Lord and believed in him. Job never lost faith and spoke truth of the Lord and was rewarded for it despite lamenting on his lost fortunes. God had in fact rewarded Job for not cursing in him. Satan had lost his bet.
Moral of what I am trying to say: There are some people in this world that will treat you like crap and it wont be your fault as to why they do it. People like to tempt us and we all know this. People like to get you to do things that are not in your best interest, but may be in theirs. As soon as they got what they want, you are gone and treated as if you were a nobody and never existed. Despite this, some of the people that manipulate us and treat us like crap say they are doing it because they "love us." I have a far better understanding of love recently, and that kind of love may be self-centred, but sure shows me that I am not loved.
But you do have the choice to forgive people for slighting you, or being bitter and resentful and angry. I, like Job, got sick when I chose the route of anger and resentment and found myself making poor judgment calls. Sometimes I would choose to keep myself from speaking as Job did for a week. This is not healthy for a person at all to not speak, but to keep their words to themselves. Trying to understand forgiveness was the better option. I chose to take that route and felt healthier afterwards.
Also remember that people choose to forgive on their terms and that you shouldn't necessarily be begging forgiveness. People will come back if you show a forgiving nature as well. Not all people that hurt you mean any harm.
I got through nine pages of this thread on Wrongplanet.net where the OP asked "Who are the Self-Proclaimed Nice Guys?". Decided I had enough half way through that ninth page. I read some interesting comments. One poster pointed out that Christians think they are entitled to love because they grew up believing that God will love them. Well... here is my take on that because love involves a lot of forgiveness.
Later on after writing this entry, I finished reading that thread and realized that this blog is appropriate considering the topics of conversation. Being forgiving is very difficult and many people won't forgive a person that laments or is angry all the time, or is simply out for themselves. Yet, some of these type of people who lament or are angry claim to be nice guys. I should know, I was once like that when I was younger---> "how come you're dating that guy when he treats you like that? I would be much nicer to you." (I pull the disappearing act the next day, repeat those words in a week or two)
I'm not sure how many people ever truly understand the love of God, or accepting Christ as their saviour. Having just read through the book of Job (still have a few chapters to go in that book, and I think this is a great story), I noticed that a blameless man (Job) who never did wrong to anyone became the victim of some bad things happening in his life. The story reveals that God made a deal with Satan at the begining of that story because Satan wanted to prove that Job would curse against the Lord if bad things happened. (Words are mine to illustrate the point) God said to Satan "Do what you will, but don't kill the man."
Of course, Job lost his livestock, lost the respect of his friends and family, people tried to manipulate him, his wife made fun of him for having faith in God, and Job got sick. A few friends came to speak to him, but all sat in silence with Job for a week before Job spoke up. Job lamented on how he never did anything wrong and that God must be punishing him for something, but for what? His friends assumed he sinned and must repent. His friends insisted that Job didn't know God. However, Job wouldn't repent as he had not cursed against God.
I took a break before finishing the book of Job and had started this blog entry between readings. I still found the message of forgiveness applied. The Lord spoke to Job and Job replied. The three friends never spoke truth about the Lord and Job did. Although Job had never seen God before the end of this story, he had heard of the Lord and believed in him. Job never lost faith and spoke truth of the Lord and was rewarded for it despite lamenting on his lost fortunes. God had in fact rewarded Job for not cursing in him. Satan had lost his bet.
Moral of what I am trying to say: There are some people in this world that will treat you like crap and it wont be your fault as to why they do it. People like to tempt us and we all know this. People like to get you to do things that are not in your best interest, but may be in theirs. As soon as they got what they want, you are gone and treated as if you were a nobody and never existed. Despite this, some of the people that manipulate us and treat us like crap say they are doing it because they "love us." I have a far better understanding of love recently, and that kind of love may be self-centred, but sure shows me that I am not loved.
But you do have the choice to forgive people for slighting you, or being bitter and resentful and angry. I, like Job, got sick when I chose the route of anger and resentment and found myself making poor judgment calls. Sometimes I would choose to keep myself from speaking as Job did for a week. This is not healthy for a person at all to not speak, but to keep their words to themselves. Trying to understand forgiveness was the better option. I chose to take that route and felt healthier afterwards.
Also remember that people choose to forgive on their terms and that you shouldn't necessarily be begging forgiveness. People will come back if you show a forgiving nature as well. Not all people that hurt you mean any harm.
Wednesday, 26 February 2014
An update:
I am keeping this entry short. For those who still read this, thank you. I plan on including writing about God and my relationship with God and how I can improve it in the future. I also plan on using some bible verses in future entries. I would also like to remind you that I am in fact new to being a Christian, so I may have some opinions. I am not trying to force opinions at all, I want to show some truth and steer away from voicing my opinions of possible.
I would like to emphasize that my favourite chapter in the bible so far comes from Ephesians 6. Specifically, the armour of God is my favourite part of it (verses 10-20 approximately). I may be using some examples of what I have learned in my progress and maybe some real life situations and how it has worked. My next entry will likely be about the amazing things I have discovered through prayer.
Til next time: God bless you all. Have a fantastic day.
I would like to emphasize that my favourite chapter in the bible so far comes from Ephesians 6. Specifically, the armour of God is my favourite part of it (verses 10-20 approximately). I may be using some examples of what I have learned in my progress and maybe some real life situations and how it has worked. My next entry will likely be about the amazing things I have discovered through prayer.
Til next time: God bless you all. Have a fantastic day.
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