This is probably one of the more emotional topics I think I will ever write about. I spent the last couple weeks away from this blogging because I am writing a story that is pretty much based on my life when I was 22 years old and the struggles I went through for self-acceptance at that moment in time. As I am writing, I am starting to feel that the book is lacking any real emotion. Might be a common thing for Apsies, but I don't know that for sure.
Love is a word and I know that for sure. What does it really mean though? I am not certain that I have ever truly and properly used that word in an emotional context. I have used that word and may have treated it like an idea or word rather than what it is actually is. I know I have never used that word to describe how I feel about my friends. The reason why is because I don't think I feel that close to anyone of my friends to actually say the words and mean it.
My family on the other hand, I can't remember the last time I have ever expressed how I truly felt about them. I don't know for sure how I am viewed by my own family. I talk to my parents at least once a week. I almost never talk to my only brother. I usually don't speak to relatives unless I am visiting my parents. I guess it is safe to say that my inability to be close to others really runs that deep. When I think about it, I never used the words "I love you" to my parents, or any other family member in a long time. I see and hear my friends say that to their parents all the time.
The most important part is how I really feel about myself. My feelings about myself change all the time, and that is where the problem lies. One week i love myself, and the next week not so much. I can't blame myself for things out of my control, but I do anyways and that leads me to feeling more upset with myself. Eventually, I get over what upset me and move on. I don't know for sure why that happens. I do know that I have a history of depression and I always put a lot of pressure on myself. I also seem to believe that people don't like me for what I am either and that probably isn't true either. I do think people are scared by their inability to read me, and don't know when to take me serious or not.
For the reasons above, my feelings for me is what makes people run away. It is also the reason why people don't hear from me that often. I simply don't want people to see me for who I really am. The reason why, is maybe because I still have a long road to finding true self-acceptance and self-love. Forget Aspergers Syndrome and forget depression, and forget obsessive compulsive disorder. Those words should no longer have anything to do with who I am. In my own mind, I need to make myself a person and not just an idea.
Thursday 31 May 2012
Monday 14 May 2012
Mental or nervous breakdowns (part 5)
It is only 2 days before my 26th birthday. The prior month I was just asked to move out by the current roommates I was living with at the time. They saw me getting withdrawn, distant, cold, and even isolated towards them. I know full well that played a major factor in being asked to leave. I was depressed, and unwilling to do much other than come home, go to my bedroom, play a video game or write something up on the computer. I also gather they were not happy with the lack of effort being made to help keep the place clean, but I have to be fair here and say that they weren't the best at it either. This was back in January of this year. Work was also getting stressful as I had not had any real vacation since I started working there in the last 17 months. I was only going to be getting two days off at the end of the week to go back home and visit some friends and family and just relax.
I was driving to work on a Monday morning, and I was running a little bit behind that day and I was already stressing out and screaming. The traffic was backed up and I was just getting more upset. Realizing that I was getting out of control, I pulled out of the traffic and pulled into a nearby Wal-Mart parking lot to calm down. I lit a cigarette and called work and told them I would be late because of a meltdown. I then got on the phone with my mother who was doing what she could to calm me down. I could pretty much hear my dad's voice in the back of my mind screaming "Get over it and get to work." I of course started to break down into tears. After a few minutes on the phone, I was on my way to work and I went to the reception desk when I got in and was asked if I wanted to go to work or talk with the operations manager first. I told them I can talk with him and I can go from there. During this meeting the manager got me to reveal what was going on. There were other setbacks at the time, I had dealt with an infection and the anti-biotics I was on may have started the chain reaction of events that lead to the depression. I was not faring well meeting new people, and I had also spent Christmas day in bed because I poked myself in the eye by accident and it hurt for a few days. Life was not going well for me to say the least. After talking a little more, I revealed that I was an Aspie and to my surprise, my manager knew full well what it was. I was told that he understands that Aspies have a harder time snapping out of a funk and it takes away all their energy and we just don't feel happy about ourselves. I revealed that I had two days off at the end of the week, but was told I can take my birthday off as well since it was on the Wednesday as well. I had one condition for that though, I had to attend and Aspergers meeting that evening.
I did attend the meeting and the topic was depression. Some people in the room did seem depressed and to my surprise, I felt like the most normal person in the room until I started talking with some. I looked around the room and I did find that some people were shaking back and forth or were just clicking their hands. This body language was telling me that they were high strung or nervous. Some people seemed extremely relaxed as well. It was also clear that some thought they had Aspergers but weren't diagnosed. After this meeting, I remember talking with my employer the next day about it and I was free to travel home for my birthday. I thought this helped me a little bit because now I truly understood that I was not alone in this world.
I got around to thinking that this meltdown was caused by a chain reaction of events. I mentioned it with the employer. It seemed that the second I got away from one problem, another one came up and it just made things a little worse for me. I didn't know when the problems would end. I also came to realize that I may have gone through Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) around this time due to the lack of sunlight and the stress caused by three major events in this time period that historically never go well for me: Christmas, New Year's and my Birthday, all within a four week period. My birthday I feel to be the worst and the funny thing is once the final event is over, things start to look up for me afterwards for some reason. There is no more worrying about being disappointed, and no more worrying about anything after. Actually, the only thing I did have to worry about now was finding a new place to live.
I was driving to work on a Monday morning, and I was running a little bit behind that day and I was already stressing out and screaming. The traffic was backed up and I was just getting more upset. Realizing that I was getting out of control, I pulled out of the traffic and pulled into a nearby Wal-Mart parking lot to calm down. I lit a cigarette and called work and told them I would be late because of a meltdown. I then got on the phone with my mother who was doing what she could to calm me down. I could pretty much hear my dad's voice in the back of my mind screaming "Get over it and get to work." I of course started to break down into tears. After a few minutes on the phone, I was on my way to work and I went to the reception desk when I got in and was asked if I wanted to go to work or talk with the operations manager first. I told them I can talk with him and I can go from there. During this meeting the manager got me to reveal what was going on. There were other setbacks at the time, I had dealt with an infection and the anti-biotics I was on may have started the chain reaction of events that lead to the depression. I was not faring well meeting new people, and I had also spent Christmas day in bed because I poked myself in the eye by accident and it hurt for a few days. Life was not going well for me to say the least. After talking a little more, I revealed that I was an Aspie and to my surprise, my manager knew full well what it was. I was told that he understands that Aspies have a harder time snapping out of a funk and it takes away all their energy and we just don't feel happy about ourselves. I revealed that I had two days off at the end of the week, but was told I can take my birthday off as well since it was on the Wednesday as well. I had one condition for that though, I had to attend and Aspergers meeting that evening.
I did attend the meeting and the topic was depression. Some people in the room did seem depressed and to my surprise, I felt like the most normal person in the room until I started talking with some. I looked around the room and I did find that some people were shaking back and forth or were just clicking their hands. This body language was telling me that they were high strung or nervous. Some people seemed extremely relaxed as well. It was also clear that some thought they had Aspergers but weren't diagnosed. After this meeting, I remember talking with my employer the next day about it and I was free to travel home for my birthday. I thought this helped me a little bit because now I truly understood that I was not alone in this world.
I got around to thinking that this meltdown was caused by a chain reaction of events. I mentioned it with the employer. It seemed that the second I got away from one problem, another one came up and it just made things a little worse for me. I didn't know when the problems would end. I also came to realize that I may have gone through Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) around this time due to the lack of sunlight and the stress caused by three major events in this time period that historically never go well for me: Christmas, New Year's and my Birthday, all within a four week period. My birthday I feel to be the worst and the funny thing is once the final event is over, things start to look up for me afterwards for some reason. There is no more worrying about being disappointed, and no more worrying about anything after. Actually, the only thing I did have to worry about now was finding a new place to live.
Social faux pas: What isn't considered normal
Social faux pas: When a person does something in a social situation that is not considered normal. The person generally does this in a civil and kind manner, but may offend or confuse someone in the process. That is my definition for the purpose of this entry. Sound like something a person with AS would do?
How many times have I been on dates with people, or liked someone and it may not have been communicated properly, and then did something stupid about it. Here are examples and how it played out.
Example 1: I have already referred to it in mental breakdown number 4, the girl I dated for a couple weeks. I said to her on Facebook in a private message after her announced relationship with another guy, "So this is why you don't want to talk to me anymore? Well, I hope he treats you right then." She may or may not have communicated properly her feelings for wanting to move on, but she feels she did her job in doing so. I may have misinterpreted everything. So when she saw me a week later at the bar with her new boyfriend, she waved at me and I immediately looked the other way. She must have known right then how I felt. This was the beginning of the social faux pas happening. I gave her the cold shoulder a couple weeks later as well. Again she didn't like that and she did want to talk to me that night too now that her boyfriend wasn't around.
Fast forward another year, and now she suddenly wants to talk to me again at the bar. I was talking with another cute girl and she waved me to come over and talk to her. I ignored her at first. The second wave I went. She wanted to know why I deleted her off Facebook and stopped communicating with her. I detected some jealousy here considering what was going on inside the bar. We eventually met up for a couple drinks and a meal, and she said she was seeing someone and thought it was getting serious. However, she said something along the lines of "I haven't gotten laid in a while." The response would be "That's your problem." From someone else's view, this was a come on that I didn't read properly, and it offended her. However, it was agreed we work things out like friends. She backed out of two more meetings without saying a word to me and so I expressed my disappointment in a voice mail and said that she could call me if she truly does want to talk to me again. Yes, social faux pas between two friends.
Example 2: I can't explain what I was thinking as a teenager and in my early 20's, but this was a common occurrence. It happened with people in online dating, people at school, and people at work. How many times did I ask for a date with people I was getting to know. Either the date did or did not happen. I was feeling the need for companionship. Anyhow, I get the cold shoulder treatment, and I responded. I always let the people know how I felt about it, expressed a desire to not talk to them anymore and just move on. It always made things worse for me. Some I would vent my frustration on and now I got their pity, rather than their respect and friendship. What I just did with these people is make things sound like more than they really were. You are just getting to know someone, and you have it in your mind that you are going somewhere special with it. Yeah, that's what failing to learn how to communicate with people can do to me. This is ending something between two people when it has clearly already ended between the two of you, and try and be nice about it. It could also mean that the person values your friendship, but just hasn't communicated with you recently because there is something else going on in her life (work, seeing someone, etc.). This was usually done based on previous experience. I felt I was going to get burned when in fact it may not ever happen.
These are some prime examples of social faux pas for me. I don't know how many Aspies do this in their friendships or relationships. I don't even know if this is even normal for another Aspie to do. It may be my own experience and seeing similar things happen with previous friendships that make me think this way. If it does sound like an Aspie, let me know.
How many times have I been on dates with people, or liked someone and it may not have been communicated properly, and then did something stupid about it. Here are examples and how it played out.
Example 1: I have already referred to it in mental breakdown number 4, the girl I dated for a couple weeks. I said to her on Facebook in a private message after her announced relationship with another guy, "So this is why you don't want to talk to me anymore? Well, I hope he treats you right then." She may or may not have communicated properly her feelings for wanting to move on, but she feels she did her job in doing so. I may have misinterpreted everything. So when she saw me a week later at the bar with her new boyfriend, she waved at me and I immediately looked the other way. She must have known right then how I felt. This was the beginning of the social faux pas happening. I gave her the cold shoulder a couple weeks later as well. Again she didn't like that and she did want to talk to me that night too now that her boyfriend wasn't around.
Fast forward another year, and now she suddenly wants to talk to me again at the bar. I was talking with another cute girl and she waved me to come over and talk to her. I ignored her at first. The second wave I went. She wanted to know why I deleted her off Facebook and stopped communicating with her. I detected some jealousy here considering what was going on inside the bar. We eventually met up for a couple drinks and a meal, and she said she was seeing someone and thought it was getting serious. However, she said something along the lines of "I haven't gotten laid in a while." The response would be "That's your problem." From someone else's view, this was a come on that I didn't read properly, and it offended her. However, it was agreed we work things out like friends. She backed out of two more meetings without saying a word to me and so I expressed my disappointment in a voice mail and said that she could call me if she truly does want to talk to me again. Yes, social faux pas between two friends.
Example 2: I can't explain what I was thinking as a teenager and in my early 20's, but this was a common occurrence. It happened with people in online dating, people at school, and people at work. How many times did I ask for a date with people I was getting to know. Either the date did or did not happen. I was feeling the need for companionship. Anyhow, I get the cold shoulder treatment, and I responded. I always let the people know how I felt about it, expressed a desire to not talk to them anymore and just move on. It always made things worse for me. Some I would vent my frustration on and now I got their pity, rather than their respect and friendship. What I just did with these people is make things sound like more than they really were. You are just getting to know someone, and you have it in your mind that you are going somewhere special with it. Yeah, that's what failing to learn how to communicate with people can do to me. This is ending something between two people when it has clearly already ended between the two of you, and try and be nice about it. It could also mean that the person values your friendship, but just hasn't communicated with you recently because there is something else going on in her life (work, seeing someone, etc.). This was usually done based on previous experience. I felt I was going to get burned when in fact it may not ever happen.
These are some prime examples of social faux pas for me. I don't know how many Aspies do this in their friendships or relationships. I don't even know if this is even normal for another Aspie to do. It may be my own experience and seeing similar things happen with previous friendships that make me think this way. If it does sound like an Aspie, let me know.
Wednesday 9 May 2012
Blast from the past. The darker times.
When I wrote this... thing, or poem, I think I was around 18 years old. I was in high school going through my 5th year which meant that I had failed a couple classes throughout my high school career. This poem that was written was so depressing and dark, that it reminded me that things couldn't have been worse than that before. Funny I read it and I understand what I may have been thinking at the time. I think that this was written out of frustration because I have huge problems in expressing myself. I have realized the main source of my dating problems over the years was my inability to express my feelings or emotions. People see something else and they get scared. Me, I just want someone to get close and understand me. Today I have decided to go through therapy to learn how to express myself. Here is the poem:
The next thing I looked for I had written when I was 22, and this had to have happened a little while after I dated that one girl that ditched me for someone else. Really had a hard time forgiving her for that and I know I had problems expressing myself afterwards as well. However, I was still smiling for a while afterwards. I don't remember what actually happened that caused me to feel bad about myself one day and write this. But my understanding about this was I must have been fighting for something. I still can't remember what I was fighting for and why I was fighting for it.
Something is wrong when you fall in love with someone
You'd be a fool to believe they were in love with you to.
You always had problems with others breaking the rules
But what you fail to realize that you have break some rules
to live a little
It's a shame that others realize this and you don't.
You always want to look good for others so you gel
your hair or wear a hat, you always wear bigger pants
than your real size and look for a good shirt, you always
want to smell nice to
It's silly to believe that others will care.
Always so negative spirited, and low on self-esteem
you try and change to a happier and more positive kid
and people aren't buying it
People will always look at you the same way
Always alone and noone to talk to, noone ever
cared to listen anyway, you always talked about the
same things and whined about the same things
day after day
No one has ever given you a chance, haven't they?
To change who you are, you want to be attractive
Go ahead and try, you will never be attractive.
So the ugliness on the outside always gives
others a reason to ignore you.
They don't care about anything you have to
say, you are stupid and ugly.
Noone has ever seen the real you, you
wouldn't let them anyway.
Now you look for a solution too
all of these problems.
So with the sound of your trigger finger
there goes your life.
You'd be a fool to believe they were in love with you to.
You always had problems with others breaking the rules
But what you fail to realize that you have break some rules
to live a little
It's a shame that others realize this and you don't.
You always want to look good for others so you gel
your hair or wear a hat, you always wear bigger pants
than your real size and look for a good shirt, you always
want to smell nice to
It's silly to believe that others will care.
Always so negative spirited, and low on self-esteem
you try and change to a happier and more positive kid
and people aren't buying it
People will always look at you the same way
Always alone and noone to talk to, noone ever
cared to listen anyway, you always talked about the
same things and whined about the same things
day after day
No one has ever given you a chance, haven't they?
To change who you are, you want to be attractive
Go ahead and try, you will never be attractive.
So the ugliness on the outside always gives
others a reason to ignore you.
They don't care about anything you have to
say, you are stupid and ugly.
Noone has ever seen the real you, you
wouldn't let them anyway.
Now you look for a solution too
all of these problems.
So with the sound of your trigger finger
there goes your life.
The next thing I looked for I had written when I was 22, and this had to have happened a little while after I dated that one girl that ditched me for someone else. Really had a hard time forgiving her for that and I know I had problems expressing myself afterwards as well. However, I was still smiling for a while afterwards. I don't remember what actually happened that caused me to feel bad about myself one day and write this. But my understanding about this was I must have been fighting for something. I still can't remember what I was fighting for and why I was fighting for it.
Memories of when everything used to be so good in this world is all I
ever think about. They only bring a smile to my face. I just have some
questions to ask you now: Why aren't I smiling? What did I do wrong?
What did I ever do to deserve this? I never treated anyone badly, and I
never meant any disrespect to anyone. So why must I be punished? Why
must I suddenly lose my right to smile? Please give it back. My smile
is the only thing that made things right in this world. Clearly I see
it, and evidently everyone else sees it to. Please, I am doing all I
can to smile again, someone please bring a smile to my face. Please let
me see your smile when you look at me. If there is any love in this
world, someone will allow me the chance to smile again.
As you may be able to tell, I have not been happy recently, but not as depressed as say the first poem is, but I understand what is making me unhappy. I am in a city 3 hours away from family and some friends back home, and I have had issues building and maintaining relationships. This has gotten the best of me recently and I have decided to do something about it to correct it. I have stated in the first paragraph of my entry today, and I feel the need to learn how to express myself. I am now a believer that this inability is the biggest cause of my current depressive episode. What do you think?
The perception others have of a child or teen with AS
Part of what I am going to write has little to do with my own opinion. The words for the most part are mine.
I have had the ability a few years ago to get my therapist notes from the man who diagnosed me with AS. I have also had the ability to get the opinion of people I grew up with, but I also knew what some of the opinions were when I was a child or teenager. If you refer to my blogs about mental breakdowns parts 1 and 2, you'll get an idea of the opinion others had of me. I was scary, angry, and a person that my peers would vote as most likely to go nuts and do something awful. Apparently my breakdowns as described weren't as bad as people would have expected from me by now. The opinions of teachers and parents varied: Some saw a good kid, while others feared for my life.
I got to read the notes about who I was. At first I was unwilling to talk, was seemingly angry all the time, always in a hurry, and very repetitive and obsessive in nature. These were the opinions of my therapist. However, as I grew older, it became clear from reading these notes that I knew I had to communicate my feelings somehow. It appeared by doing so that my breakdowns became less and less frequent. There was also notes from after the breakdown where I almost killed another student that indicated that I had no empathy or remorse for what happened. Hell my parents believed I was only sad because I was caught and that I felt restricted from what I can do. What my parents believed was only half true, as the latter was the true part. Remember that people with AS have a tendency to lack empathy as they are younger, but learn this trait as they grow older.
The impression some of my friends and from that of my therapist is that I was pretty self-centred. This appears obvious to most people when most of our conversations revolved around ourselves, case in point, my blogs. It also appears this way when we seemingly show no interest in what others have to say to us when we are being talked to. Eye contact plays a role with this as we may look distracted, but we hear what you are saying and may have tuned out what else was going on. But if we tune you out, you will never know unless you ask us what were just told. Obsessiveness and isolation is of course a sign to others that you are being selfish too. That last part is just my opinion, with the reason that I may have had my ego bruised and don't want others to know it. Isolation may be a comfort too when I have dealt with being around people a lot in the last little while and want to escape from it all.
Other students I went to school with expressed to some of my friends that they wished they could beat me up, or that they did not know when to take me seriously. Constantly I would hear from some friends that others would say the following things:
"Why can you guys even be friends with such a guy? he is a loser"
"I wish I could beat him up without him going psycho on me and killing me"
"Does that guy ever smile? He doesn't even know how to take a joke from me, has no sense of humour. I tried to joke about something with him and he glared right through me"
"I hate that guy. He is so arrogant and thinks he is good at ____"
"How insensitive can he be? I tried to have a conversation with him, but he wasn't taking me seriously"
I even experienced some of this at work recently, although the majority of people know when I am teasing or joking these days as I make it obvious. Back then, I had all sorts of issues with making new friends, and these opinions did not help matters as I felt that people didn't accept me. The main theme I found from all of those opinions was that people didn't know when to take me seriously, or just didn't care for me.
Growing up with AS can be extremely difficult for a child, and even their parents. Parents will likely have to spend money in order to get their child to learn how to cope with life and how to communicate with others. There will likely be time taken out of work because the child could not cope, or did something that got them suspended from school. Back when I was in school, I was always blamed by the teachers for when fights started. That changed when I was diagnosed, and my teachers became aware of what AS is. Now some cities may even have an Autism Registry to help out children and adults with AS and other forms of Autism. More and more people are becoming aware of Autism and more help seems to be given these days to those who need it. It is only a good sign for the future for those with Autism and AS.
I have had the ability a few years ago to get my therapist notes from the man who diagnosed me with AS. I have also had the ability to get the opinion of people I grew up with, but I also knew what some of the opinions were when I was a child or teenager. If you refer to my blogs about mental breakdowns parts 1 and 2, you'll get an idea of the opinion others had of me. I was scary, angry, and a person that my peers would vote as most likely to go nuts and do something awful. Apparently my breakdowns as described weren't as bad as people would have expected from me by now. The opinions of teachers and parents varied: Some saw a good kid, while others feared for my life.
I got to read the notes about who I was. At first I was unwilling to talk, was seemingly angry all the time, always in a hurry, and very repetitive and obsessive in nature. These were the opinions of my therapist. However, as I grew older, it became clear from reading these notes that I knew I had to communicate my feelings somehow. It appeared by doing so that my breakdowns became less and less frequent. There was also notes from after the breakdown where I almost killed another student that indicated that I had no empathy or remorse for what happened. Hell my parents believed I was only sad because I was caught and that I felt restricted from what I can do. What my parents believed was only half true, as the latter was the true part. Remember that people with AS have a tendency to lack empathy as they are younger, but learn this trait as they grow older.
The impression some of my friends and from that of my therapist is that I was pretty self-centred. This appears obvious to most people when most of our conversations revolved around ourselves, case in point, my blogs. It also appears this way when we seemingly show no interest in what others have to say to us when we are being talked to. Eye contact plays a role with this as we may look distracted, but we hear what you are saying and may have tuned out what else was going on. But if we tune you out, you will never know unless you ask us what were just told. Obsessiveness and isolation is of course a sign to others that you are being selfish too. That last part is just my opinion, with the reason that I may have had my ego bruised and don't want others to know it. Isolation may be a comfort too when I have dealt with being around people a lot in the last little while and want to escape from it all.
Other students I went to school with expressed to some of my friends that they wished they could beat me up, or that they did not know when to take me seriously. Constantly I would hear from some friends that others would say the following things:
"Why can you guys even be friends with such a guy? he is a loser"
"I wish I could beat him up without him going psycho on me and killing me"
"Does that guy ever smile? He doesn't even know how to take a joke from me, has no sense of humour. I tried to joke about something with him and he glared right through me"
"I hate that guy. He is so arrogant and thinks he is good at ____"
"How insensitive can he be? I tried to have a conversation with him, but he wasn't taking me seriously"
I even experienced some of this at work recently, although the majority of people know when I am teasing or joking these days as I make it obvious. Back then, I had all sorts of issues with making new friends, and these opinions did not help matters as I felt that people didn't accept me. The main theme I found from all of those opinions was that people didn't know when to take me seriously, or just didn't care for me.
Growing up with AS can be extremely difficult for a child, and even their parents. Parents will likely have to spend money in order to get their child to learn how to cope with life and how to communicate with others. There will likely be time taken out of work because the child could not cope, or did something that got them suspended from school. Back when I was in school, I was always blamed by the teachers for when fights started. That changed when I was diagnosed, and my teachers became aware of what AS is. Now some cities may even have an Autism Registry to help out children and adults with AS and other forms of Autism. More and more people are becoming aware of Autism and more help seems to be given these days to those who need it. It is only a good sign for the future for those with Autism and AS.
Tuesday 1 May 2012
When depression sets, do we watch what we eat?
I am obsessed with nutrition. I have noticed that when I get depressed, i have a tendency to relax on my eating habits. It has to be natural for just about everyone else to be relaxed on their eating habits when they get depressed. What is it like for Aspies since we have a harder time snapping out of our funk? I can't speak for everyone else on this topic, only for what I know about myself. As I am writing this, I am watching Super Size Me (I very rarely, and if ever eat McDonalds) I even watched Food Inc. about a week ago as well.
I have been reading a book called Allen Carr: Lose Weight Now. Allen Carr was the person who authored the book called Easyway to Quit Smoking, which is the book I used to help quit smoking. So far I have learned that high amounts of sugar can be addicting and can cause all sorts of problems. I have also learned that I should listen to my hunger tell me when to eat and when not to eat. Pretty difficult for me to do when I have a routine on when to eat and what to eat even. Typically, my breakfast consists of Oatmeal, with a teaspoon of brown sugar, with blueberries mixed in and a banana, as well as a glass of milk. My mid-morning snack consists of a slice or two of bread and peanut butter and and apple. My lunch consists of two servings of real vegetables, and either leftovers from dinner the night before, or a sandwich of some kind. I will snack on almonds, nuts, or seeds in the afternoon, while also grabbing an orange or grapes before going for a workout after work, or a walk. After a workout, I will consume a protein shake which usually ends up being the only time I ever consume a protein shake during a day. An hour after a workout, I will make a meal or eat the previous days left overs again. Meals will consist of rice, pasta, vegetables, salad, steak, chicken or other meats. One last snack about an hour and half before bed could either be more nuts or seeds, or another serving of fruit That is what I eat on an ideal day. On weekends, I may have problems eating the same way. I go longer without eating as I am a little lazier and don't need the calories or the carbs.
I weigh about 197-202 lbs and stand 6'1. My ideal weight should be 190 in my honest opinion. As a smoker, I weighed 185 lbs. Around the time period where I get depressed, my eating habits do take a change for the worse as I eat out more often, I found myself consuming more alcohol than normal. I may be eating more potato chips or chocolate bars. That is what I noticed when I was depressed as a smoker. As a child or teenager, I was on anti-depressants and always ate a bunch of junk food for some reason and over ate as well (I noted that a lot of children or teenagers eat a lot of food and never seem to gain weight). The junk food pretty much negated the positive effects of the anti-depressants. The negative side effect of these pills was weight gain, so overeating and junk food definitely helped that side effect.
Aside from what I eat, and what habits affect my weight, I find myself consuming on average 3-4 litres of water a day, and that does not take into a account total liquid consumed. I have switched Gatorade G2 out of my lunch for two Sunrype juice boxes as they claim to have natural sugars from fruits and vegetables. So far it does not make me feel dizzy from consuming too much sugar compared to G2 which approximately contains 12 g of sugar per 591 ml bottle and sugar is the second ingredient on the list of ingredients. The two juice boxes contain about 46 grams of sugar and sugar isn't even in the list of ingredients. What that tells me is that I am getting natural sugar in this choice of drink. I very rarely consume carbonated drinks like Pepsi or Coke, and consume very little caffiene. I also try to avoid soy products. Where I have problems with my diet is fat and saturated fats and maybe sugar. I have to watch my diet in that regard.
Does that sound like an Aspie to you? Maybe neurotypical thinkers can relate to this as well. A lot of people have their own guilty pleasures. Let me know what problems you have with your eating habits
I have been reading a book called Allen Carr: Lose Weight Now. Allen Carr was the person who authored the book called Easyway to Quit Smoking, which is the book I used to help quit smoking. So far I have learned that high amounts of sugar can be addicting and can cause all sorts of problems. I have also learned that I should listen to my hunger tell me when to eat and when not to eat. Pretty difficult for me to do when I have a routine on when to eat and what to eat even. Typically, my breakfast consists of Oatmeal, with a teaspoon of brown sugar, with blueberries mixed in and a banana, as well as a glass of milk. My mid-morning snack consists of a slice or two of bread and peanut butter and and apple. My lunch consists of two servings of real vegetables, and either leftovers from dinner the night before, or a sandwich of some kind. I will snack on almonds, nuts, or seeds in the afternoon, while also grabbing an orange or grapes before going for a workout after work, or a walk. After a workout, I will consume a protein shake which usually ends up being the only time I ever consume a protein shake during a day. An hour after a workout, I will make a meal or eat the previous days left overs again. Meals will consist of rice, pasta, vegetables, salad, steak, chicken or other meats. One last snack about an hour and half before bed could either be more nuts or seeds, or another serving of fruit That is what I eat on an ideal day. On weekends, I may have problems eating the same way. I go longer without eating as I am a little lazier and don't need the calories or the carbs.
I weigh about 197-202 lbs and stand 6'1. My ideal weight should be 190 in my honest opinion. As a smoker, I weighed 185 lbs. Around the time period where I get depressed, my eating habits do take a change for the worse as I eat out more often, I found myself consuming more alcohol than normal. I may be eating more potato chips or chocolate bars. That is what I noticed when I was depressed as a smoker. As a child or teenager, I was on anti-depressants and always ate a bunch of junk food for some reason and over ate as well (I noted that a lot of children or teenagers eat a lot of food and never seem to gain weight). The junk food pretty much negated the positive effects of the anti-depressants. The negative side effect of these pills was weight gain, so overeating and junk food definitely helped that side effect.
Aside from what I eat, and what habits affect my weight, I find myself consuming on average 3-4 litres of water a day, and that does not take into a account total liquid consumed. I have switched Gatorade G2 out of my lunch for two Sunrype juice boxes as they claim to have natural sugars from fruits and vegetables. So far it does not make me feel dizzy from consuming too much sugar compared to G2 which approximately contains 12 g of sugar per 591 ml bottle and sugar is the second ingredient on the list of ingredients. The two juice boxes contain about 46 grams of sugar and sugar isn't even in the list of ingredients. What that tells me is that I am getting natural sugar in this choice of drink. I very rarely consume carbonated drinks like Pepsi or Coke, and consume very little caffiene. I also try to avoid soy products. Where I have problems with my diet is fat and saturated fats and maybe sugar. I have to watch my diet in that regard.
Does that sound like an Aspie to you? Maybe neurotypical thinkers can relate to this as well. A lot of people have their own guilty pleasures. Let me know what problems you have with your eating habits
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