I am going to communicate this really clearly. There will be no deep thought required in understanding what I have to say. Those who are looking for a deep meaning should look elsewhere if it makes them feel better in doing so
Obsessive traits are related to Aspergers, but obsessive traits are
essentially the traits of someone diagnosed with Obsessive Compulisve
Disorder (OCD). You don't need to have Aspergers to have OCD and vice
versa.
Anxiety comes from fear and listening to what your
mind tells you. You don't need to have Aspergers to have Anxiety and
vice versa.
You can be an introvert or an extrovert. Neither personality type is predisposed to Aspergers. You either like to talk to people, or you like to keep to yourself.
Being sad or happy is really just a state of mind. Everyone can go through a period of sadness or depression. You don't need to have depression to be Aspergers
Emotions can be either intense or cold like a person who has Bi-polar disorder or some other type of disorder. But this still doesn't fit the bill on what Aspergers really is.
People with any of the above conditions or states of mind may not have any issues in communicating or socializing with other people. They may or may not have any sensory issues of their own. The personalities don't even matter. And more importantly, meltdowns and shutdowns happen in normal people as well.
What Aspergers at it's core is heightened senses (including emotions and increased empathy in some cases) with problems in social settings and communication. Once the senses are controlled and understood, only then can the problems with social settings and communication be improved. The senses can easily cause a meltdown.
Edit- January 20, 2012. Another truth. Everything above is a mental label that are given to you by some doctor or shrink. You can also view it as psychological or philosophical bullshit as well. Another truth is that if you live by a label, you will die by that label.
Saturday 19 January 2013
Friday 18 January 2013
Taking responsibility vs beating yourself up.
This post is simply about the idea of letting go of the past. It's about letting go of past relationships and past pains and friendships that are of no use to you anymore. This is about the small decisions you make that have an impact on what you do with your life. This is about letting go of any pain and moving on to a higher purpose and better life. This post is essentially about taking responsibility for your actions and letting go.
Beating yourself up:
Have you ever had that deep feeling of regret or guilt in you for doing something bad to someone else? What was it that you did that was so bad anyway? Let's just say you hurt a person you care for and it hurts you that you did that. Do you think simply apologizing for it is the best option? Apologizing for your actions is not necessarily going to help you recover from it as you still might be beating yourself up over the issue. Realize the truth that you will hurt other people that you care about deeply, and remember that they do it all the time as well. Do they ever apologize for it? Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. You don't have to apologize for everything you do. Sometimes you hurt people by making decisions that are in your best interest. There is no reason in apologizing when it comes to deciding what is in yours and everyone else's best interest. Furthermore, there is no excuse for apologizing for your feelings either.
You should not beat yourself up over anything. It's hard to enjoy life as it is if you are going to be hard on your self. Next time you hurt a person's feelings, take that one day off work because you are sick, show up late to something once, forget an important date, or even break up with someone.... remember that things happen for a reason. Being too hard on yourself is not letting go and it certainly isn't responsible behaviour either. I have mentioned the ego in previous blogs. Your ego wants you to justify your actions rather than take responsibility anyway.
Taking responsibility for your actions:
For everything you do in your life, you are responsible for it. You are responsible for calling into work late or sick, and you are responsible when your actions hurt someone else. You are responsible for your own life and who you chose to have in it. You are responsible for the career choice that you make and you are responsible for what you do right now. Noone else made you do anything, and you certainly can't beat yourself up over the decision you make. Take responsibility for yourself and grow.
It is important to remember that your ego and your mind simply wants you to justify your actions. I have already stated that this is not responsible behaviour. Apologizing for any bad behaviour is not responsible behaviour either. Saying "I'm sorry" is pretty much justifying your actions when you deem it necessary to do so. It appears in this world that people that are happy take responsibility for their actions. They take full responsibility of their failures and successes. Noone else makes you a failure or a success, only you can.
Next time you are thinking of saying "I'm Sorry," don't do it. Realize that the words don't mean anything. Taking responsibility means a lot more than words ever will.
Beating yourself up:
Have you ever had that deep feeling of regret or guilt in you for doing something bad to someone else? What was it that you did that was so bad anyway? Let's just say you hurt a person you care for and it hurts you that you did that. Do you think simply apologizing for it is the best option? Apologizing for your actions is not necessarily going to help you recover from it as you still might be beating yourself up over the issue. Realize the truth that you will hurt other people that you care about deeply, and remember that they do it all the time as well. Do they ever apologize for it? Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. You don't have to apologize for everything you do. Sometimes you hurt people by making decisions that are in your best interest. There is no reason in apologizing when it comes to deciding what is in yours and everyone else's best interest. Furthermore, there is no excuse for apologizing for your feelings either.
You should not beat yourself up over anything. It's hard to enjoy life as it is if you are going to be hard on your self. Next time you hurt a person's feelings, take that one day off work because you are sick, show up late to something once, forget an important date, or even break up with someone.... remember that things happen for a reason. Being too hard on yourself is not letting go and it certainly isn't responsible behaviour either. I have mentioned the ego in previous blogs. Your ego wants you to justify your actions rather than take responsibility anyway.
Taking responsibility for your actions:
For everything you do in your life, you are responsible for it. You are responsible for calling into work late or sick, and you are responsible when your actions hurt someone else. You are responsible for your own life and who you chose to have in it. You are responsible for the career choice that you make and you are responsible for what you do right now. Noone else made you do anything, and you certainly can't beat yourself up over the decision you make. Take responsibility for yourself and grow.
It is important to remember that your ego and your mind simply wants you to justify your actions. I have already stated that this is not responsible behaviour. Apologizing for any bad behaviour is not responsible behaviour either. Saying "I'm sorry" is pretty much justifying your actions when you deem it necessary to do so. It appears in this world that people that are happy take responsibility for their actions. They take full responsibility of their failures and successes. Noone else makes you a failure or a success, only you can.
Next time you are thinking of saying "I'm Sorry," don't do it. Realize that the words don't mean anything. Taking responsibility means a lot more than words ever will.
Monday 14 January 2013
A brief understanding of how a business works
I can assure you I have worked many jobs and I am currently at a job where I have been working for more than two years now. Based on what I have learned through my experiences, the main priority for any business is profit. This essentially means keeping a budget. Within this budget: salary costs have to remain at a minimum, attendance among workers must remain consistent, strong sales for retail oriented businesses, keeping consumers or customers happy, and expanding your business as much as possible to maximize profit, and getting rid of people who cost your company too much money. On the flip side, a company knows they have to keep the morale high among its employees if they expect productivity since a lack of productivity will essentially cost their company money. Keep in mind that if a person isn't happy in the environment they are working in, the long term investment in that employee will not be worth the company's money. With my experience, I also understand why a lot of businesses hate dealing with unions. There are positives and negatives of a union that I won't get into.
Why your attendance matters (vacation time excluded):
Everyone has to deal with baggage outside of work. Ideally it is best left out of work and I can assure you dealing with some of this baggage may disrupt your ability to work. But from a business standpoint, the employer will expect you to deal with your baggage on your own time. This means the employer is not going to give you time off because you are sad. The brutal truth is that you have to deal with your baggage appropriately and show up to work as scheduled. So what if you had a breakup with someone or if your car isn't working? That is the mentality of the employer. It seems the only excuses for your absenteeism is that you are not in any medical condition to show up or someone close to you has passed away. If you are getting married, then vacation time will be given. By failing to show up to work for any selfish reason would mean that you are wasting company's money. Remember training new employees costs money. You wanted your job bad enough and your company paid for your training. You will be expected to be reliable with your attendance and productivity. You should do whatever it takes to hold down your job.
Salary and sales:
If you want to make big money, go to school and use your skills and applied knowledge to get you to where you want to go. Working as an employee in any business will not guarantee you big money. If you create your own business, you will have the right to run your business as you please. But keep in mind that the goal is to make money. In order to do this you have to maximize sales while minimizing salary. Now you understand how Wal-Mart works as a company. The guys that run the business will make the top dollars and those who work in the stores will make very little in comparison. You have a problem with that? Tough luck, go to school and make something of yourself because your employer won't care what you do with your life. What they care about is your attendance and productivity for them. Your employers won't care that you want a promotion or more money, they are trying to run a business that will maximize their sales.
Reputation and keeping customers happy:
You have all heard the saying by now: "The customer is always right." This is essentially true since the customer will want to shop at the place that will make them happiest. All companies want to keep their customers happy so that they can make more money off them. This ringing a bell yet? This of course means the customer wants a certain product from you. They will go somewhere else if they can get a better deal or if they can get exactly what they want. The customer is making an investment in your company and they trust your company with their money. If at any point the customer becomes unhappy or they feel they are wasting their money, they will go elsewhere. This helps effect your company's reputation for keeping customers happy. If too many customers are leaving, the company will have to change their business because there appears to be a problem with how things are running. Don't be the problem that your company needs to address. This is especially true in a retail setting.
What to do when you are unhappy:
The following will have to be considered if you are unhappy with your employment: Can I find happiness and peace elsewhere, or do I need to change?
Granted, an employer who is running the business into the ground is going to make many people unhappy. If the ship is sinking, get yourself off it as soon as possible and go find another place to be happy. There is nothing you need to change to help a sinking ship. Plenty of companies go bankrupt due to a stubborn belief that they don't need to change a damn thing about themselves. It is also possible that the needs of the customers changed so drastically that the company couldn't handle the change so quickly (bad economy). Another problem would be competition making more money and taking away all your customers. These kind of events will effect the company that you work for. You may have been happy at your job, but the future doesn't look good.
On the flip side of the coin, you are unhappy with your job and the company is doing great business and all the customers are happy. For the sake of this argument, let's assume the morale of the workers is high. You are unhappy for whatever reason. Let's assume the reason you are unhappy is because you realized this job isn't for you. Don't blame the company and don't ruin it's reputation. Do the respectable thing and walk away on good terms. This will help you out when you are looking for other work and your current employer will be more than happy to help you in this transition (wishful thinking for some employers, but treat them with the right amount of respect and you will get the help you need).
This pretty much sums up my understanding of how a business works and what the employees need to do in order to help their employers.
Why your attendance matters (vacation time excluded):
Everyone has to deal with baggage outside of work. Ideally it is best left out of work and I can assure you dealing with some of this baggage may disrupt your ability to work. But from a business standpoint, the employer will expect you to deal with your baggage on your own time. This means the employer is not going to give you time off because you are sad. The brutal truth is that you have to deal with your baggage appropriately and show up to work as scheduled. So what if you had a breakup with someone or if your car isn't working? That is the mentality of the employer. It seems the only excuses for your absenteeism is that you are not in any medical condition to show up or someone close to you has passed away. If you are getting married, then vacation time will be given. By failing to show up to work for any selfish reason would mean that you are wasting company's money. Remember training new employees costs money. You wanted your job bad enough and your company paid for your training. You will be expected to be reliable with your attendance and productivity. You should do whatever it takes to hold down your job.
Salary and sales:
If you want to make big money, go to school and use your skills and applied knowledge to get you to where you want to go. Working as an employee in any business will not guarantee you big money. If you create your own business, you will have the right to run your business as you please. But keep in mind that the goal is to make money. In order to do this you have to maximize sales while minimizing salary. Now you understand how Wal-Mart works as a company. The guys that run the business will make the top dollars and those who work in the stores will make very little in comparison. You have a problem with that? Tough luck, go to school and make something of yourself because your employer won't care what you do with your life. What they care about is your attendance and productivity for them. Your employers won't care that you want a promotion or more money, they are trying to run a business that will maximize their sales.
Reputation and keeping customers happy:
You have all heard the saying by now: "The customer is always right." This is essentially true since the customer will want to shop at the place that will make them happiest. All companies want to keep their customers happy so that they can make more money off them. This ringing a bell yet? This of course means the customer wants a certain product from you. They will go somewhere else if they can get a better deal or if they can get exactly what they want. The customer is making an investment in your company and they trust your company with their money. If at any point the customer becomes unhappy or they feel they are wasting their money, they will go elsewhere. This helps effect your company's reputation for keeping customers happy. If too many customers are leaving, the company will have to change their business because there appears to be a problem with how things are running. Don't be the problem that your company needs to address. This is especially true in a retail setting.
What to do when you are unhappy:
The following will have to be considered if you are unhappy with your employment: Can I find happiness and peace elsewhere, or do I need to change?
Granted, an employer who is running the business into the ground is going to make many people unhappy. If the ship is sinking, get yourself off it as soon as possible and go find another place to be happy. There is nothing you need to change to help a sinking ship. Plenty of companies go bankrupt due to a stubborn belief that they don't need to change a damn thing about themselves. It is also possible that the needs of the customers changed so drastically that the company couldn't handle the change so quickly (bad economy). Another problem would be competition making more money and taking away all your customers. These kind of events will effect the company that you work for. You may have been happy at your job, but the future doesn't look good.
On the flip side of the coin, you are unhappy with your job and the company is doing great business and all the customers are happy. For the sake of this argument, let's assume the morale of the workers is high. You are unhappy for whatever reason. Let's assume the reason you are unhappy is because you realized this job isn't for you. Don't blame the company and don't ruin it's reputation. Do the respectable thing and walk away on good terms. This will help you out when you are looking for other work and your current employer will be more than happy to help you in this transition (wishful thinking for some employers, but treat them with the right amount of respect and you will get the help you need).
This pretty much sums up my understanding of how a business works and what the employees need to do in order to help their employers.
Saturday 12 January 2013
Bottling up vs expressing your feelings.
After some self reflection in the past couple weeks and after reading through a couple of books and writing a story as well as reading some other opinions from other Aspies, I came across a problem: Feelings. Feelings always seem to be a problem for Aspies in one way or another since we do have a tendency to be overwhelmed by it. I have come to the conclusion that we are very sensitive with our sensory issues and feelings is one of them. We are not the only ones. Lots of people have problems expressing their feelings. Here is some self reflection on the past for me. I have noticed when you communicate your feelings with someone, you feel more at ease. If the person can't accept your feelings, they are too scared or just have a problem with it. You don't have a problem if you can express your feelings. I actually said some of these things in a Facebook message to a friend. Instead of writing something similar, I decided to repost what I told him while leaving some information out.
Expressing feelings:
I have found in the past that people complained that they thought I was too intense for them based on my feelings that I showed. People often didn't give me a fair chance for this reason. I remember with some people that they didn't like me talking about my feelings after I revealed them and they rebuffed me for it. This includes people that were intimate with me as well (before and after the fact). This revealed that everyone has their ego which likes to dispose of people as quickly as they find them and fear is the reason why. Feelings happen and I will repeat that those who can't accept another's feelings for them have a problem.. not the person that had the feelings. Everyone wants to be felt. I know this from my own personal experience myself.
Now these were good feelings that people were scared of. Imagine how scared people might be if I have a meltdown or start getting sad. If people were scared of my feelings or couldn't accept the good feelings, I feel as if any bad feelings I might have will be avoided by other people. They won't want me around because I'm "scary" or "depressing." This might not be fair and these certain feelings have left me no choice but to isolate when they hit through me. The real unfair thing is that people expect me to be empathetic with them during their sad moments. How do I do this if people can't give me the time of day to express how I feel? I would much rather communicate these bad feelings that I have through text. This also creates a problem for some people I find. It feels like a no-win scenario. But why is this a no win scenario? It is very possible that I bottled up the emotions.
Bottling up your feelings
On the flip side I probably got scared with communicating my feelings with other people as well due to fear of losing them for communicating such feelings. It seemed as if I was always in a no win scenario. This makes me appear like an emotionless robot and people complain about this too. I have been told this makes me look way too serious and I don't appear to be having fun. I believe this to be somewhat true as this happens when I can't express any feelings.
Of course, what happens when you bottle them up is that you go too long without expressing yourself. This appears to happen when someone does something you don't like or worse, the girl you like is now with someone else (someone you may have had a chance with). You probably didn't express your feelings ahead of time and as a result, the other person had no feelings to take into consideration. So what happens when you do express your feelings? Well, it's too late at this point and the other person may not like it, especially since the intensity was built up for so long since you wouldn't release your feelings. Of course, when you build up your anger as well, this also becomes a problem. This is really not an aspie thing. Lots of people have problems controlling their emotions.
Communication
I then realized even looking back far enough the real issue with people as well as me in this world. Everyone seems to expect others to meet their needs and wants without even communicating it. My close friend has expressed to me that this seemed to be an issue with most women he dated as he communicated things and he was expected to know what they wanted and needed. I noticed this happened at one point between me and a couple girlfriends and everything just deteriorated from there, but I think it was more me as I got overwhelmed with the emotions. I always found in the past that controlling feelings was an issue for me. Noone is really at fault. If you can't communicate with others, you never get what you need and want from the other person. It works both ways.
Conformity
Another part that I realized about me is the problems with psychiatrists and my condition: they seem to be pushing for me to conform. Granted yes, I listened when they say I need to be more sensitive to the feelings of others and worked on that. I was also told that I needed to find a way to not sabotage my own happiness. However, I was fully expected to conform to what others want from what they consider a normal person. I know full well that being normal is not who I am even when I appear as a normal person. What I am is me, and part of it is Aspergers. This seems to be a problem with others as I have seen many people cannot accept the Aspergers part and this is something that will not totally change, but just worked on. You can cure illness, but you cannot cure a disorder. There seems to be a lack of patience and understanding in this regard. It takes a strong person to consider me a friend. And I have found there aren't many strong people in this world. I can express my feelings if I am not overwhelmed. However, my aspie traits that make me appear different isn't always accepted. I think it's appropriate to work on expressing feelings appropriately now.
A key thing to remember. A person who cannot express his feelings is afraid of failure and rejection. Of course this person is also afraid of success.
Expressing feelings:
I have found in the past that people complained that they thought I was too intense for them based on my feelings that I showed. People often didn't give me a fair chance for this reason. I remember with some people that they didn't like me talking about my feelings after I revealed them and they rebuffed me for it. This includes people that were intimate with me as well (before and after the fact). This revealed that everyone has their ego which likes to dispose of people as quickly as they find them and fear is the reason why. Feelings happen and I will repeat that those who can't accept another's feelings for them have a problem.. not the person that had the feelings. Everyone wants to be felt. I know this from my own personal experience myself.
Now these were good feelings that people were scared of. Imagine how scared people might be if I have a meltdown or start getting sad. If people were scared of my feelings or couldn't accept the good feelings, I feel as if any bad feelings I might have will be avoided by other people. They won't want me around because I'm "scary" or "depressing." This might not be fair and these certain feelings have left me no choice but to isolate when they hit through me. The real unfair thing is that people expect me to be empathetic with them during their sad moments. How do I do this if people can't give me the time of day to express how I feel? I would much rather communicate these bad feelings that I have through text. This also creates a problem for some people I find. It feels like a no-win scenario. But why is this a no win scenario? It is very possible that I bottled up the emotions.
Bottling up your feelings
On the flip side I probably got scared with communicating my feelings with other people as well due to fear of losing them for communicating such feelings. It seemed as if I was always in a no win scenario. This makes me appear like an emotionless robot and people complain about this too. I have been told this makes me look way too serious and I don't appear to be having fun. I believe this to be somewhat true as this happens when I can't express any feelings.
Of course, what happens when you bottle them up is that you go too long without expressing yourself. This appears to happen when someone does something you don't like or worse, the girl you like is now with someone else (someone you may have had a chance with). You probably didn't express your feelings ahead of time and as a result, the other person had no feelings to take into consideration. So what happens when you do express your feelings? Well, it's too late at this point and the other person may not like it, especially since the intensity was built up for so long since you wouldn't release your feelings. Of course, when you build up your anger as well, this also becomes a problem. This is really not an aspie thing. Lots of people have problems controlling their emotions.
Communication
I then realized even looking back far enough the real issue with people as well as me in this world. Everyone seems to expect others to meet their needs and wants without even communicating it. My close friend has expressed to me that this seemed to be an issue with most women he dated as he communicated things and he was expected to know what they wanted and needed. I noticed this happened at one point between me and a couple girlfriends and everything just deteriorated from there, but I think it was more me as I got overwhelmed with the emotions. I always found in the past that controlling feelings was an issue for me. Noone is really at fault. If you can't communicate with others, you never get what you need and want from the other person. It works both ways.
Conformity
Another part that I realized about me is the problems with psychiatrists and my condition: they seem to be pushing for me to conform. Granted yes, I listened when they say I need to be more sensitive to the feelings of others and worked on that. I was also told that I needed to find a way to not sabotage my own happiness. However, I was fully expected to conform to what others want from what they consider a normal person. I know full well that being normal is not who I am even when I appear as a normal person. What I am is me, and part of it is Aspergers. This seems to be a problem with others as I have seen many people cannot accept the Aspergers part and this is something that will not totally change, but just worked on. You can cure illness, but you cannot cure a disorder. There seems to be a lack of patience and understanding in this regard. It takes a strong person to consider me a friend. And I have found there aren't many strong people in this world. I can express my feelings if I am not overwhelmed. However, my aspie traits that make me appear different isn't always accepted. I think it's appropriate to work on expressing feelings appropriately now.
A key thing to remember. A person who cannot express his feelings is afraid of failure and rejection. Of course this person is also afraid of success.
Friday 11 January 2013
The fine line of knowing when to walk away and what to do...
The Aspie male is probably the most confusing person for any NT women to deal with. Even other men are going to be confused. The reason why is that it appears more often than not that the Aspie is to afraid to communicate his real feelings, or just he might not even understand his own feelings. Other people might not be making it clear what their feelings are either because the Aspie male comes across as being too insecure and far too sensitive, or just confusing himself. This will drive others away as they can't stand people that are like this. Unfortunately, it's not up to others to accept you for who you are as most people will judge and choose not to accept you based off their perceptions. It's the brutal truth here that Aspie men have to grow a backbone if they haven't already and accept themselves for who they are. You stand a better chance of being accepted if you do this.
Impersonal cancellations of a date- You get a text message from someone who cancels the first date/hangout with you for whatever reason. It doesn't matter what the reason is. But consider this: If she is sending you a text message to do this, what respect did you get from her? Did you give her any reason to respect you? Have you two even spoken on the phone yet? Your first answer is that you got a little bit of respect because she at least notified you ahead of time. Consider the circumstances in which this kind of cancellation was appropriate . Consider what you did to have any respect from her to make her give you this kind of cancellation (if you were far more respectful than this, it was her problem all along). And if you haven't spoken to her on the phone yet, you didn't stand out anyway. Either way, have a backbone and don't dignify the answer with a response. My experience shows me that acknowledging the text and being reasonable and understanding doesn't work. You just look like a doormat here.
Ignoring and not returning your phone calls/texts/e-mails- No amount of chasing will get you a response sooner or this person could give a very aggressive and unpleasant response. You have to give up and walk away at some point. It sucks if you like this person, but accept that you can't get this person's attention for whatever reason. Leaving them alone will result in one of two options: You hear from them again at one point for whatever reason, or you don't. It's simple: walk away silently. It is appropriate to let them know how you felt about it if there is any sufficient reason to do so (this person did it in a disrespectful manner). Being stood up with no call or notification goes along with this category as well. If you are stood up, it shows the other has no respect for you on most occasions. The rare occasion this person happens to apologize to you for standing you up and has a legitimate reason should be taken into consideration.
Differences- Some differences in opinion result in arguments and some won't. One person will be wrong or both will be. Feelings will get hurt regardless and tempers will flare. If you were in the wrong, it would be okay to approach this situation with an apology of some kind. After offering the apology, the ball is in the other's court and you will have to wait to hear back. Obviously you will walk away if you don't hear anything. If this person has to offer you an apology and you know you want them around, take the apology if you get one and settle your differences.
Breakups- These events suck. Someone or both people involved will get hurt. What you don't want to do is come across as bitter and resentful of the other person and don't make the feelings worse than they need to be. The aspie male's response will be space to assess any feelings he has and try and move on. The NT woman might not like the aspie response. Her feelings will get hurt and she might feel as if the aspie male didn't care. Consider whether you want her to feel that way when the break up happened. Communicate effectively what you need from her right when things end and she will do the same. At this point, your needs matter more and you can consider her needs once you have taken care of yours. This is a period where you have to sort out any feelings you have. It's hard to be friends with someone you were in a relationship with. You need to assess whether you want this friend or not. It's not ideal to just walk away until you make the most appropriate decision for yourself.
Friends caught in the middle- You and a friend are having an issue with or a partner you broke up with have mutual friends with you. These friends will likely pick sides. Don't treat these people like messengers and don't treat them like you deserve their unconditional respect and friendship. They will decide who they are more loyal to and pick the side of the friend they care for the most. You have no right to ask them anything and you have to respect their decision. You may not like the decision, but you may end up not getting invited to events based off this problem. If you do end up at an event with everyone involved, enjoy your company with other people and ignore the problem if you need to. A fun event is meant to be fun and if you can't have fun, then you will have to walk away or be asked to.
Furthermore, if you come across as a nice guy, be very wary of the friends you make. There are some out there that like to take advantage of a nice guy as a means to boost their own ego. Some might not care if they are treated this way, but those who do care should have some backbone and communicate why they don't like it if or when it happens. After you communicate this, you have every right to walk away from the ego booster if they prove to you that they didn't care what you felt.
Impersonal cancellations of a date- You get a text message from someone who cancels the first date/hangout with you for whatever reason. It doesn't matter what the reason is. But consider this: If she is sending you a text message to do this, what respect did you get from her? Did you give her any reason to respect you? Have you two even spoken on the phone yet? Your first answer is that you got a little bit of respect because she at least notified you ahead of time. Consider the circumstances in which this kind of cancellation was appropriate . Consider what you did to have any respect from her to make her give you this kind of cancellation (if you were far more respectful than this, it was her problem all along). And if you haven't spoken to her on the phone yet, you didn't stand out anyway. Either way, have a backbone and don't dignify the answer with a response. My experience shows me that acknowledging the text and being reasonable and understanding doesn't work. You just look like a doormat here.
Ignoring and not returning your phone calls/texts/e-mails- No amount of chasing will get you a response sooner or this person could give a very aggressive and unpleasant response. You have to give up and walk away at some point. It sucks if you like this person, but accept that you can't get this person's attention for whatever reason. Leaving them alone will result in one of two options: You hear from them again at one point for whatever reason, or you don't. It's simple: walk away silently. It is appropriate to let them know how you felt about it if there is any sufficient reason to do so (this person did it in a disrespectful manner). Being stood up with no call or notification goes along with this category as well. If you are stood up, it shows the other has no respect for you on most occasions. The rare occasion this person happens to apologize to you for standing you up and has a legitimate reason should be taken into consideration.
Differences- Some differences in opinion result in arguments and some won't. One person will be wrong or both will be. Feelings will get hurt regardless and tempers will flare. If you were in the wrong, it would be okay to approach this situation with an apology of some kind. After offering the apology, the ball is in the other's court and you will have to wait to hear back. Obviously you will walk away if you don't hear anything. If this person has to offer you an apology and you know you want them around, take the apology if you get one and settle your differences.
Breakups- These events suck. Someone or both people involved will get hurt. What you don't want to do is come across as bitter and resentful of the other person and don't make the feelings worse than they need to be. The aspie male's response will be space to assess any feelings he has and try and move on. The NT woman might not like the aspie response. Her feelings will get hurt and she might feel as if the aspie male didn't care. Consider whether you want her to feel that way when the break up happened. Communicate effectively what you need from her right when things end and she will do the same. At this point, your needs matter more and you can consider her needs once you have taken care of yours. This is a period where you have to sort out any feelings you have. It's hard to be friends with someone you were in a relationship with. You need to assess whether you want this friend or not. It's not ideal to just walk away until you make the most appropriate decision for yourself.
Friends caught in the middle- You and a friend are having an issue with or a partner you broke up with have mutual friends with you. These friends will likely pick sides. Don't treat these people like messengers and don't treat them like you deserve their unconditional respect and friendship. They will decide who they are more loyal to and pick the side of the friend they care for the most. You have no right to ask them anything and you have to respect their decision. You may not like the decision, but you may end up not getting invited to events based off this problem. If you do end up at an event with everyone involved, enjoy your company with other people and ignore the problem if you need to. A fun event is meant to be fun and if you can't have fun, then you will have to walk away or be asked to.
Furthermore, if you come across as a nice guy, be very wary of the friends you make. There are some out there that like to take advantage of a nice guy as a means to boost their own ego. Some might not care if they are treated this way, but those who do care should have some backbone and communicate why they don't like it if or when it happens. After you communicate this, you have every right to walk away from the ego booster if they prove to you that they didn't care what you felt.
Sunday 6 January 2013
Top Ten things/words that hurt an Aspie's feelings.
After putting some feelings into what I read and remember hearing from others in the past got me thinking about something. I did the research and sure enough there are other Aspies that feel the same way too. Here are the top ten things we don't like hearing because it hurts our feelings and why.
1. "Your interest/hobby sounds like a waste of time"- Okay. So telling me that my writing is a waste of time because it will never get me anywhere is not something I want to hear personally. Others have their hobbies or interests that they like getting into because it gives them a sense of who they are. They get a good feeling from engaging in these interests. Telling me that my writing is a waste of time is only going to piss me off.
2. "I find you very annoying"- Being told that I am annoying guarantees one thing... I probably won't talk to you again; Even if you want me to because you just said you can't stand me. Granted yes, I might go off on some topic you might not want to hear for a little too long and that might be my fault for not reading the cue. But telling me I am annoying is like asking to end our friendship.
3. "I find you to be very boring"- Okay then. I'm sorry that you didn't enjoy my company when we were out then. I made the best of the situation I had and did my best to make you feel like I was engaging you into a fun activity or a great conversation. But to tell me I am boring... I think you are the problem if you can't communicate with me when I have done my best to communicate with you.
4. "You're creepy"- Well, this is probably the most common one that all Aspies hate hearing. Generally speaking, the good ones hate hearing it the most. The reason why is we don't take advantage of you and we try and gauge your personality as best as we can. The best of us have a strong sense of morals instilled in us. To be told we are creepy scares us away from someone that might not think that of us. We feel that noone respects us when we are told we are creepy, and it feels as if you don't think we have any feelings at all.
5. Insulting us, then telling us it was a joke- Our feelings are obviously going to be hurt when you personally insult us or make us feel that way. Then when you see that we are hurt by it, you then say something like "Quit being such a baby, I was only joking." So you insult us again when we know we were just insulted and told not to take it seriously. Even NT's hate getting this treatment.
6. Telling us we are not good at something especially when you know that we are good at it. The big reason some might do this is out of jealousy. What is the point? We just proved we are better than you are at something. You don't have to make people feel insecure because you are. A typical Aspie has some sort of insecurity issue. Telling an Aspie that he is not good at something that he feels good about it is only going to open up another insecurity. If an Aspie is good at being an architect, don't tell him he is not when you haven't the first clue about what architecture is (I'm not an architect, just using an example).
7. Calling us a stalker- Along with being told we are creepy, this is a big thing we hate hearing, especially if we aren't stalkers. Granted, some Facebook behaviour might come across this way such as "why don't you answer me? I saw you read my message." and "I saw you enjoyed your night with so and so through Facebook" Telling an Aspie how you feel about this behaviour is the better approach and do so as politely as possible. Saying to us "you're a stalker" is probably going to make him delete you rather than the other way around. Being deleted might help (you may have already thought about deleting him yourself), but what happens when you see this person again? He won't let this "stalker" comment go and being civil will be a lot harder around him.
8. Lying to us/not being clear with your feelings- Telling us one thing and doing the exact opposite is only going to hurt us more than the average person if we feel we care for you enough. We don't make friends as easily as everyone else. Personal experience: I'm dating a person and it ends by telling me they don't want a relationship with anyone to let me down gently is one thing. To tell me they still like me is another thing. But announcing their relationship with another person on Facebook two days later is going to make me feel betrayed. The fact that this conversation happened over the phone made it worse. This kind of behaviour shows a total lack of respect and my respect and trust will be very hard to win back. This act actually made it harder for me to trust people.
9. "You're ugly/unattractive"- I read enough magazines, and watch enough TV to be told that thank you very much. And I don't read much gossip or watch much TV. I don't need someone I meet in person to tell me that I am ugly. I grew up being told constantly that I was not very attractive on the outside. I knew full well that there was a good person on the inside. But the reality is people judge based on what they see. Ugly on the outside means don't approach. Luckily for me I have many people tell me that they find me physically attractive these days. Still, I have issues with taking the compliments because I was very used to the insults and bullying when I was younger. I am finding this very hard to shake off.
10. "I find you weird"- Essentially, this goes along with creepy or stalker. When a person tells you this, it's like they are communicating with you that they don't want you around. But when someone hurts an Aspie's feelings by saying this, they say it like it's the Aspie's fault. Well guess what? It isn't our fault, we are just a little different and we might stand out a little and we do our best to stand out in a good way. We are a little different and the tone that we usually hear the word "weird" in usually implies that you are repulsed. This might actually be the most damaging thing for an Aspie to hear if the tone is correct. Even if you say it in an accepting manner, how an Aspie might feel is still a crap-shoot. You just don't know how he will take the comment.
1. "Your interest/hobby sounds like a waste of time"- Okay. So telling me that my writing is a waste of time because it will never get me anywhere is not something I want to hear personally. Others have their hobbies or interests that they like getting into because it gives them a sense of who they are. They get a good feeling from engaging in these interests. Telling me that my writing is a waste of time is only going to piss me off.
2. "I find you very annoying"- Being told that I am annoying guarantees one thing... I probably won't talk to you again; Even if you want me to because you just said you can't stand me. Granted yes, I might go off on some topic you might not want to hear for a little too long and that might be my fault for not reading the cue. But telling me I am annoying is like asking to end our friendship.
3. "I find you to be very boring"- Okay then. I'm sorry that you didn't enjoy my company when we were out then. I made the best of the situation I had and did my best to make you feel like I was engaging you into a fun activity or a great conversation. But to tell me I am boring... I think you are the problem if you can't communicate with me when I have done my best to communicate with you.
4. "You're creepy"- Well, this is probably the most common one that all Aspies hate hearing. Generally speaking, the good ones hate hearing it the most. The reason why is we don't take advantage of you and we try and gauge your personality as best as we can. The best of us have a strong sense of morals instilled in us. To be told we are creepy scares us away from someone that might not think that of us. We feel that noone respects us when we are told we are creepy, and it feels as if you don't think we have any feelings at all.
5. Insulting us, then telling us it was a joke- Our feelings are obviously going to be hurt when you personally insult us or make us feel that way. Then when you see that we are hurt by it, you then say something like "Quit being such a baby, I was only joking." So you insult us again when we know we were just insulted and told not to take it seriously. Even NT's hate getting this treatment.
6. Telling us we are not good at something especially when you know that we are good at it. The big reason some might do this is out of jealousy. What is the point? We just proved we are better than you are at something. You don't have to make people feel insecure because you are. A typical Aspie has some sort of insecurity issue. Telling an Aspie that he is not good at something that he feels good about it is only going to open up another insecurity. If an Aspie is good at being an architect, don't tell him he is not when you haven't the first clue about what architecture is (I'm not an architect, just using an example).
7. Calling us a stalker- Along with being told we are creepy, this is a big thing we hate hearing, especially if we aren't stalkers. Granted, some Facebook behaviour might come across this way such as "why don't you answer me? I saw you read my message." and "I saw you enjoyed your night with so and so through Facebook" Telling an Aspie how you feel about this behaviour is the better approach and do so as politely as possible. Saying to us "you're a stalker" is probably going to make him delete you rather than the other way around. Being deleted might help (you may have already thought about deleting him yourself), but what happens when you see this person again? He won't let this "stalker" comment go and being civil will be a lot harder around him.
8. Lying to us/not being clear with your feelings- Telling us one thing and doing the exact opposite is only going to hurt us more than the average person if we feel we care for you enough. We don't make friends as easily as everyone else. Personal experience: I'm dating a person and it ends by telling me they don't want a relationship with anyone to let me down gently is one thing. To tell me they still like me is another thing. But announcing their relationship with another person on Facebook two days later is going to make me feel betrayed. The fact that this conversation happened over the phone made it worse. This kind of behaviour shows a total lack of respect and my respect and trust will be very hard to win back. This act actually made it harder for me to trust people.
9. "You're ugly/unattractive"- I read enough magazines, and watch enough TV to be told that thank you very much. And I don't read much gossip or watch much TV. I don't need someone I meet in person to tell me that I am ugly. I grew up being told constantly that I was not very attractive on the outside. I knew full well that there was a good person on the inside. But the reality is people judge based on what they see. Ugly on the outside means don't approach. Luckily for me I have many people tell me that they find me physically attractive these days. Still, I have issues with taking the compliments because I was very used to the insults and bullying when I was younger. I am finding this very hard to shake off.
10. "I find you weird"- Essentially, this goes along with creepy or stalker. When a person tells you this, it's like they are communicating with you that they don't want you around. But when someone hurts an Aspie's feelings by saying this, they say it like it's the Aspie's fault. Well guess what? It isn't our fault, we are just a little different and we might stand out a little and we do our best to stand out in a good way. We are a little different and the tone that we usually hear the word "weird" in usually implies that you are repulsed. This might actually be the most damaging thing for an Aspie to hear if the tone is correct. Even if you say it in an accepting manner, how an Aspie might feel is still a crap-shoot. You just don't know how he will take the comment.
Forgiveness and what it really is.
"For those with no forgiveness in their hearts. Living is an even worse punishment than death." Mr. Miyagi said this to Daniel at the beginning of the Karate Kid 2 when he chose not to finish off the Martial Arts Master from the Cobra Kai Dojo from the first movie. If you remember the first movie, the Master would say to his students "No mercy and No restraint." After Daniel wins the tournament by beating the final tormentor in the final match, he wins respect from him. The master of the Dojo is upset that his prized pupil lost and the pupil accepted defeat graciously. The master starts beating his pupil and Miyagi steps in. The master begs to be finished off, but instead gets humiliated and spared.
This is a valuable lesson about those who are truly unforgiving... they would rather die than forgive people for the smallest slights. These are people that need the most help. It's really hard to give such people a chance if you are not strong-willed yourself and truly are unforgiving. The truth is when one is truly lost in their own mind, it's only possible that person is the only one that can truly help themselves. Others may guide the way for this person, but only he/she can understand or listen to the feelings inside him/herself and listen to what they are being told.
Forgiveness is the following:
1.Forgiveness shows a willingness to accept things you cannot control. This can be the past, the present moment, or the future. Remember the old quote "to dream of a heaven in the future implies that you are currently living in hell." This means that you cannot accept the current moment. This might show you have a hard time forgiving people that are present in the current moment.
2. Forgiveness is understanding your emotions and not fighting or ignoring your emotions. Your emotions come from within your body and deep inside your heart. There are some emotions you might not understand. They do not come from your mind.
3. It also means easing the pain you feel inside. This includes any physical and mental illnesses such as the common cold that won't go away. Easing the pain on the inside might actually help your immune system. Your focus will then be on how good you feel rather than on any pain you feel. For example, when I quit smoking for a short while, I no longer needed medication for acid reflux, and my stomach didn't cramp up during exercise anymore. Dizziness and headaches were gone.
4. You may end up forgiving yourself for the bad habits that you have and give them up completely and celebrate this. You then get rid of the bad habit and life suddenly becomes easier to live.
5. With number 4, I finish with this thought and feeling. When you are truly happy, you feel a positive energy inside you. This positive energy is never disturbed by the thoughts around you and the negative feelings of others. You become a positive influence yourself. Make sure you have the necessary comfort and support groups around you. Without them, forgiveness might not be as easily attainable when you are left alone for too long.
This is a valuable lesson about those who are truly unforgiving... they would rather die than forgive people for the smallest slights. These are people that need the most help. It's really hard to give such people a chance if you are not strong-willed yourself and truly are unforgiving. The truth is when one is truly lost in their own mind, it's only possible that person is the only one that can truly help themselves. Others may guide the way for this person, but only he/she can understand or listen to the feelings inside him/herself and listen to what they are being told.
Forgiveness is the following:
1.Forgiveness shows a willingness to accept things you cannot control. This can be the past, the present moment, or the future. Remember the old quote "to dream of a heaven in the future implies that you are currently living in hell." This means that you cannot accept the current moment. This might show you have a hard time forgiving people that are present in the current moment.
2. Forgiveness is understanding your emotions and not fighting or ignoring your emotions. Your emotions come from within your body and deep inside your heart. There are some emotions you might not understand. They do not come from your mind.
3. It also means easing the pain you feel inside. This includes any physical and mental illnesses such as the common cold that won't go away. Easing the pain on the inside might actually help your immune system. Your focus will then be on how good you feel rather than on any pain you feel. For example, when I quit smoking for a short while, I no longer needed medication for acid reflux, and my stomach didn't cramp up during exercise anymore. Dizziness and headaches were gone.
4. You may end up forgiving yourself for the bad habits that you have and give them up completely and celebrate this. You then get rid of the bad habit and life suddenly becomes easier to live.
5. With number 4, I finish with this thought and feeling. When you are truly happy, you feel a positive energy inside you. This positive energy is never disturbed by the thoughts around you and the negative feelings of others. You become a positive influence yourself. Make sure you have the necessary comfort and support groups around you. Without them, forgiveness might not be as easily attainable when you are left alone for too long.
Saturday 5 January 2013
The truth about who you really are
After reading a bit into the Power of Now, it is now becoming more clear as to what the book is telling you and it doesn't require any deep thought at all. So I will sum it up as quickly as I can. I am not going to waste anyone's time with this post. What I say here is important to me. If you get the point of what I write here, then maybe you feel what I am writing is important. What I am writing comes from the heart. It is not coming from the mind.
Your mind is controlled by your ego. It fights for survival and constantly puts you in fear. Your ego wants to be in control and doesn't want you to feel hurt. You fear being hurt because you let your mind control you. This is not who you are because you are not giving the real you a chance.
Who you really are is in your heart. Accept yourself for who you really are and you will find who you are. Who you are is in your heart, not your mind. Your heart is your inner presence. Some will find who they are through Christ, others will find who they are through other religions, others will find who they are through meditation. There is no wrong answer to finding who you really are deep inside. Your heart has no mind at all. It is who you are. Your heart is forgiving. Your heart is caring. Your heart is loving. This is what the most important people in your life want from you- your heart. If you give them your mind, they will run. Your heart doesn't need you to run. Your heart doesn't resist anything. Who you really are you should feel from within you.
Now after reading the stuff I write... this should be the most important thing I write that you end up reading.
Your mind is controlled by your ego. It fights for survival and constantly puts you in fear. Your ego wants to be in control and doesn't want you to feel hurt. You fear being hurt because you let your mind control you. This is not who you are because you are not giving the real you a chance.
Who you really are is in your heart. Accept yourself for who you really are and you will find who you are. Who you are is in your heart, not your mind. Your heart is your inner presence. Some will find who they are through Christ, others will find who they are through other religions, others will find who they are through meditation. There is no wrong answer to finding who you really are deep inside. Your heart has no mind at all. It is who you are. Your heart is forgiving. Your heart is caring. Your heart is loving. This is what the most important people in your life want from you- your heart. If you give them your mind, they will run. Your heart doesn't need you to run. Your heart doesn't resist anything. Who you really are you should feel from within you.
Now after reading the stuff I write... this should be the most important thing I write that you end up reading.
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