Aspie Parenting and Self Care part 2: Communicating with your wife

This was written in the middle of January. We had also just moved to a home we bought in the Middle of December. Way too much happened so quickly and I burned out. I just narrowly avoided a meltdown. I was however feeling burnt out.


Being a new parent can be interesting. The harsh reality I have had to come across myself is that of self care vs sacrifice. What I mean by that is that there are things you will enjoy doing before the little one interrupts your life that you may no longer have time for. Perhaps what you no longer have time for is only temporary, but it is still a sacrifice. But what about sacrificing things you enjoy that were meant for self care and to help keep you level headed? Just about anyone you talk to who has had children of their own will tell you that self care is still important. They will also say time for your loved ones and maintaining your reletionships are too. But today, let's focus on self care.


Why am I not allowed to do what I enjoy?


Maybe it's not about what you enjoy. Perhaps it might be the give and take in your relationship with your partner. Being the father and having had a past history of depression, I know I will pull back and withdraw when I hit my peak depression. I will go silent when presented with a tough question out of fear of disappointing my wife. The problem is all I am doing is further disappointing her by being silent and not fixing the issue. I now sink further and feel less inclined to share what's going on with me. The reason for that is simple: she feels I am not listening to her, I certainly expect she won't listen to me.


The hard part for me aside from depression is Aspergers. I don't always have the ability to process what I was just told by my partner. It takes some time before I finally realize the message behind what I am being told. And sometimes when I think I need to read between the lines of what I was told, it turns out she was being direct with me the whole time.


Recent events in our lives have taken a toll on me. I haven't been to the gym more than once in the last two months. I have not had adequate alone time to get things done. I go to work and come home. I have also had to cancel going to a friend's secret santa party at the last minute as well. Things that I know I needed for self care were taken away from me. Of course, I am not the one on leave from work like my wife is, so I know there isn't going to be much sympathy from my wife in the things I want to do, but can't.

Aspie Parenting skills and self care Part 1

Keep in mind, I wrote this in early January 2020. Some truths still apply



Your days off work are already planned for you.


This is becoming more of a reality when you are married with children. I only have a 5 month old and my wife is on mat leave from her job. I work 5 days a week as I need to to make sure we stay ahead and caught up with our bills. When I have a day booked off work, it is a paid day and my wife has more likely than not planned my day for me before I even started to plan for myself. Chances are I won't know what she planned until the day off. But more often than not, she has planned to give herself as much of a break as needed. If you are the type of person that needs to get something done immediately when you wake up, my scenario says that I need to be up 2 hours before my family is. If I am not, I won't get anything done at all, or I will be forced to cut out something from my day. More often than not, I am forced to cut out the things I enjoy most. That is what is disappointing to me. Unfortunately, as I already stated, its reality and reality is telling me I am no longer able to prioritize anything above the child when he is awake and I am home.


For me, what I have found that I was forced to cut out of my life unless I wake up early enough is going to the gym. Our living arrangements don't really allow me the space to create workout space. I might be able to stretch, but that will be it. That's all I have space for. Considering people live below us and you can rule out any weight lifting or any exercise that may cause a disturbance. That means that I must workout at the gym if I do it at all. If I haven't left home by the time my family gets up, It is extremely likely that I won't be going. I also find that I am likely expected to do other things that will likely impact my ability to get a workout in if we need to be ready to do something else within a set time period. So I spend my days off looking after the baby while my wife gets ready to go somewhere. Then we leave.


Now I may sound like someone who is complaining about being a parent. Believe me here, there is no love like that for a parent has for their own child. I would do anything for him. I am just an aspie struggling to find his own time to do what he needs to do for his own well being without it affecting himself and his family.