Headnote: Keep in mind, I have not posted or written on this blog in three years. What I write may not be as lucid or clear like some of the writing I have previously done.
I remember in my early to mid twenties how strange and difficult dating could be. My hormones raged and I remember really wanting sex. A person with Aspergers wanting to get laid? Apparently a very scary thought from what we have observed in the past in circumstances like the Elliot Roger incident 3 years back. Except, was that man really an Aspie? Or just suspected? I don't recall any official report saying he was.
I am about to get married in the next couple months, so maybe I am a little out of touch with singles looking to mingle. I may not be 100% certain of what struggles they are going through now in their attempts to find a date and not be lonely every night of the week. But I remember being there and I remember the struggle was real. I remember feeling like crap and wondering what I did wrong on many occasions. I also remember the overthinking of every little aspect of my dating life. You keep asking all of these little questions like "Was that the right time to text her? Did I write too much? Did I write too little? Should I call her back immediately?" Yeah, all that stuff. Overthinking when I should call or text someone to ask them out. All this because of previous experience of people getting mad at me for whatever reason. Perhaps we forget that people get mad, but not necessarily at us. But since we were there at the time they needed to vent, we assume they were mad at us.
Ok, maybe the person really wasn't mad at you to begin with. I get that. People are allowed to be frustrated and angry and vent. Something we tend to forget is people are allowed to express these feelings and need someone to talk to. We let people vent provided they control their temper as well, or otherwise we wouldn't listen. Sometimes though, these people we were dating didn't want to hear you vent. But if you lack the self-esteem like most Aspies did in their dating life, you always think it is you and not them. This is a very depressing road to go down. You overthink your every action and lose the self confidence. You overthink every word and suddenly become afraid to talk to women.
Any self respecting individual will know when the other person is full of it and when they aren't. I know from an Aspie male's experience (remember I frequented Wrongplanet.net and me and other men were very much alike), that we tend to take the blame for everything that goes wrong in a potential relationship. It makes us doormats to be short and others see this. No self respecting woman will date us. Opportunists on the other hand will see a chance to take something from us and take it and do whatever they want with us. Those people eventually disappear as well.
Part of the problem with overthinking is that we tend to forget who we are and become something we aren't. You start asking for advice from others, like on wrongplanet or pof for example. However, the problem with opinions on the internet is that too many opinions are thrown at you. You also start thinking that being who you are isn't working and you become something you aren't. This is a also a dangerous trap that leads some Aspies into PUA articles and websites.
But the thought has to occur at some point that maybe it isn't all on us. It takes time and some reflection to gain the self confidence to realize that it isn't always us. In some scenarios, it really should have only taken a no response from someone, or rude behaviour from someone else to realize that it may not have been me. Sure, I can reflect and look at a situation and say to myself "I could have done better here." However, I should still be able to walk away with no regrets. No regret because I knew I did my best and I was myself the whole time. If I lost my temper, or said something rude myself, I remember that I need to improve there. But I shouldn't hate myself for it.
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