This was just coming to my mind recently and throughout the last four months. I got married back in July and my brother was the Master of Ceremonies at the wedding. He said some things about me at the reception during his speech that had me thinking of the past. For example, I told him back in 2014 that I had stopped smoking (this time for good as I still haven't touched a cigarette since). During his comments, he joked about how he asked me "So who is the girl?" After the joke, he commented about my fierce determination and focus that I had. It appeared that once my mind was set on something, I would likely accomplish my goals. I stopped smoking because I set out to do so one way or another. It took 2 long years to do it, but it finally happened. Of course, like my brother mentioned, it happened after I met my wife.
But I also had to look back 10 years ago even. I remember being overweight and close to 260 lbs and not really fit and no exercising at all. I recall being close to 300 lbs at one point after I left high school. But something lit a spark for me around 2008. A new job at a pizza place, and in my last semester of the first program, I started to work out at the gym. I also did some running and watched as I progressed further and further with my running as the months and years came along. I remember being able to run 5 miles (after I stopped smoking for the first time) by 2012. Of course, the setback came after I started smoking again. No way in hell was I able to accomplish 5 miles again after that.
Weightlifting and training was awesome as well. I remember eventually being able to squat about 270 lbs and deadlift at least 300 lbs by 2011-2012 as well.
The reason for all of this was the determination of course. Within the first year of this training, I changed my eating habits drastically as well and managed to cut my weight down to as low as 175 lbs. This is something my brother did bring up during the wedding as well as when he mentioned the fierce determination. However, it was clear that I needed to put on muscle. That was where the weight training came in. I regularly weighed between 180-185 after with some solid muscle mass. I remember enjoying the body I had back in 2009-2012. My body didn't always look the same, nor did I have any six pack abs, but my motivation to succeed came from there.
Shortly around May of 2012, and now having lived away from home for two years, something happened. It is almost like I realized that being an adult kind of sucked. You can look at my blog entries from that time period as I spent a lot of time writing in 2012-2013. When I met my wife, I stopped writing. I do remember being a little obsessed with finding a girlfriend at the time and I had a couple meltdowns because the types I was meeting just weren't working out too well. I recall beating myself up over these things too. But what I do remember bothering me the most at the time was the fact that I had few friends to hang out with and I knew I needed to meet some people. So I believe around this time, I switched my focus from exercising and working out to working on my social skills and going to meetup events through meetup.com. I ended up making friends there, some of which have come and gone and others who are still around as friends. I also met a few ladies, one of which became my wife
After a couple years away from the gym, and periodically going out for runs outside here and there, I decided to get back into weight training. I do remember things getting tough as I was always getting sick or hurt as well. Eventally, the illnesses were determined to be allergies and sinuses, which meant I had to find a way to work around this. However, I remember some back, leg and foot injuries occurred which did discourage me a little bit from trying certain exercises. Eventually, I started seeing a physio to help correct some bad posture and form when doing exercises. I got back into proper running and and starting to see things lift off again. Albeit, right now, I weigh between 220-230 lbs. Being older and eating some of the same foods don't work out to well when it comes to weight loss, so of course I am little bit overweight. But I am noticing a lot of improvements with the running and the weightlifting, so I simply don't care as much about the weight. I just have to avoid certain foods if I want to take my weight more seriously.
It was recently I started thinking about what my brother said a lot more, especially now that I am up to running 3 miles again after about 3 months of working at it. I asked myself, "what the hell happened in the last few years, and why was my motivation missing?" I was beginning to wonder why I struggled with trying to meet goals and missing so much work. Why couldn't I focus on getting better and making my days more enjoyable? Where was my energy? Well, it's like the age old saying goes: you got to use energy to create energy. My motivation was gone because I had little energy, and I wasn't using what little energy I had to create more of it. I also asked why I wasn't doing more writing and why I wasn't motivated to do more of that. But hopefully, I can sort that out soon and should write blogs regardless of what is on my mind. Hopefully the more I write, the better my writing becomes.
Hi, Mike
ReplyDeleteI recently found your blog, and want to say bravo! This post is excellent! Your examples of challenge/success are heart warming and very relatable! Congrats on all your met challenges and self-care!
From one writer to another, the only thing that makes one a writer is writing, which you do quite well. Keep doing what you do because as far as I'm concerned, you are making a positive mark. I can relate to what you say, and your writing style is genuine, warm and personable. I look forward to reading more of your journey.
I am a newly diagnosed Aspie, at age 56, and many questions answered, more opened up to me. When primary abuser, mother, died 2.5 yrs ago, I went 100% no contact with 99% all FoO and past. With her passing my psyche was set free, I was finally able to see I was their scapegoat in a large, generational abusive, religious malignant narcissistic family system. I am shocked at all the abuse I suffered without the ability to "see it" in real time due to my brain's safety mechanism of denial.
Through much study and research, I have concluded my brain was incapable of keeping all the previous abuses connected in a linear form, so I was physiologically and psychologically unable to see the big picture patterns. And because of my loving, tender heart, I was ready and able to extend forgiveness over and over, living what I was told (not shown) was “love.” (religious programming) Coupled with trauma bonding which led to Stockholm syndrome to my mother.... The pain, suffering and loss was "all I knew as love," which was all abuse. I hurt all the time, and tried to make my life feel better by serving my abusers (family/others) as the servant I was programmed and forced to be, yet my entire environment was against me. (Every gain made was sabotaged and every loss was put on me as faulty, I was less than, I deserved the abuse...) Because my brain was programmed to accept faulty data as "fact" my entire reality was born and bred in discordance. This is one reason why everything hurt me. Seeing the facts as factual... this was beyond my ability to see or accept as fact, yet facts were facts, living in the shadows, begging to be seen...
It's been said, “Write what you know.” I'm presently working on three books addressing trauma bonding and Stockholm syndrome, FoO narcissistic abuse, and Asperger’s. There are many people dealing with these issues that could use support, and clear and correct information to promote personalized healing. Facts are needed to bring clarity and meaning to Self, with functional ways to begin questioning and seeing our personal life systems and harmful patterns. We need support for breaking through the fog of pain and confusion, and as an example of ways to break free from the trauma inside and out, and heal Self. I believe there is always enough to go around, and that includes all clarity, peace, love…. Where and what we put our attention on, we grow.
One dynamic, positive aspect of my Asperger’s is my loving heart (I understand now is a negative, painful trigger for those who don't have the same ability.)... I see and accept the fact trauma and abuse usually begets traumatizing and abuse of others and sometimes self... my FoO abused others to feel better, and I was programmed to abuse self to attempt to stop the pain. It’s apparent their programming intention was for me to eventually kill myself due to the mounting pain and trauma, and so prove how faulty I was, and leave them off the hook....That didn't happen, as I was spared this traumatic end.... my heart is healed enough to know blame belongs at the beginning of time, and not on any one person. I have no hate, nor need to blame self or other.... now I stay away from harm and cultivate the positive. This alone set me apart in the FoO dysfunctional system. I say, lucky ME!
Sending you Peace
And to answer the posting topic question:
ReplyDeleteYES, I AM fiercely determined to accomplish my goals!
Thanks for asking!
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