It was a year and a bit after the breakdown where I nearly killed someone. Things were starting to look up for me. I was 13 years old and may have had an acne problem, but I seemed to have this sense of confidence that was starting to attract the girls. However, I was still obsessed with getting rid of this acne problem I had, so i decided to try out this medication called Accutane. For those reading who don't know about Accutane, it was a pill that was designed to help clear out acne, but it had some very severe side effects for some people. You could only get this pill from a doctor's prescription too. Now for a person with Aspergers Syndrome who is taking other medication as well, some pills just don't mix well, especially when anti-depressants are involved
It took two days after I started taking Accutane for it to mix with the anti-depressants. I don't quite know how it happened, but I remember snapping when someone said to me, "The reason why your ex broke up with you is because you were annoying." I was in the gymnasium at the time and I remember I started to verbally insult him and then at one point I threw my backpack halfway across the gym. The bag almost hit someone, and the teacher sent me to the office. I did not get into any trouble for any of this, not a suspension. I was allowed to leave school early, and my mother (she's a pharmacist), would not allow me to go to school the next day in order for the Accutane's effects to wear off. I also think she wanted to protect me from myself at school, who knows what damage I could do if I went to school the next day.
This was the beginning of a series of breakdowns over the next few months. I don't think the Accutane was in my system anymore though, but once an Aspie gets into a stage of depression, it's hard to break free. I had one around my 14th birthday because my parents told me (jokingly) that I was not getting a portable CD player. Funny thing is that they pulled out the CD player right away because they didn't know what to do with the meltdown. Another one I had at school, where I kicked another student while he was sitting in a chair for I can't remember what reason, but I sprained my ankle from it. I also snapped at another student when walking home from school, this time I gave this student a couple punches to the stomach as to warn him to back off. He didn't, and I snapped and only laid a couple shots to his kidney before throwing him to the ground and told him to leave. He left once he saw the crying part of the breakdown, which had not happened during my previous breakdowns. It was clear at this point that people at school were trying to get a reaction out of me, no matter how dangerous the consequences for them or I might be. I remember a ring leader at school that was getting people to try and get a reaction out of me. I'd say about 10% of the time, he succeeded. That was 10% too much.
The final breakdown came on a Friday morning during recess at school. Sound familiar? I went 10 minutes just relaxing with a couple other students and just hanging out. A group of maybe 15-20 other students came up to me and said something to me to try and get a reaction. I walked away with my group only to have them follow. I immediately challenged the group for a fight. They didn't budge or just couldn't believe that I had even challenged a whole group of them. The bell rang and everyone was walking around the corner to our lineups to get inside everyone still trying to insult me, and that's when i finally snapped and screamed out "That's it, It's time to fucking kill someone." There was at least 30 other students lined up too, and every single person ran from me. I was immediately isolated and sent to the gym for about 30-40 minutes until the next class had to come and use the gym. It was the only place that the teachers and principal were gonna keep me to calm down. I was given a soccer ball to kick around as well. Finally the principal came down and a class was lined up outside to come in the gym. I remember threatening the other boys in the class before leaving, with the principal as a witness.
I was never expelled or suspended, partially because I had to give a list of the people that were responsible for provoking me this far. I really don't know why I was not even given a suspension here. I could only imagine the complaints the principal or even the school board would have gotten from parents if they had heard that some kid had threatened someone at school. Parents of the my fellow schoolmates were probably very afraid to send their students to school now. Something I know I learned was that I could use scare tactics to get out of horrible situations, even if it horrified everyone else. In the end, noone was seriously hurt, and that was all that mattered.
I did learn that using scare tactics to get people to leave me alone worked throughout the rest of my schooling. High school, I used it to get people to stop teasing and provoking me. However, I have learned through a bit of counseling just recently that because of my background in school that my eyes and body language always tell new people I meet that I am too scary. My memory of my childhood and teenage years and maybe the experience is enough to get me to become so guarded these days. If any reason I have now to prevent people from getting to know me is because I believe people may walk away or are ready to attack me. I am not 100% certain if this really is true, but it does make sense.
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