Growing up, I found that I was raised off a set of morals that were kind of set up by my parents, some direct, some indirect. Some of these morals were about smoking, drinking, drug use, sex, among other things. I have read through some of these forums on wrongplanet.net, and I am not surprised to see a strong sense of morals from other Aspies and people with autism. I just had a thought that since I did break some of my own moral rules, and others still have not been broken, what are your moral rules?
That is the question I will pose to the forum some day. I have thought about it doing it now, but ultimately decided to leave it for a blog posting for now.
1. Don't drink alcohol in excessive amounts, keep it moderate if you do choose to drink (broken this rule several times)
2. Don't have sex outside of a loving and committed relationship, drunken one night stands are unacceptable (broken this rule of course)
3. Never smoke cigarettes (like father, like son- rule broken. He did quit over 20 years ago, but I was still old enough to remember seeing him do it)
4. Never do drugs, not even marijuana. It is morally wrong and unacceptable (broken the rule, cannabis and hash oil only)
5. Never get addicted to anything (Broken, addicted to nicotine, on and off again addiction with sugar, was once addicted to caffeine, was once addicted to cannabis. No matter what anyone says, you can get addicted to cannabis. Trying smoking that stuff everyday for a while and then quit. It is tough, but not as tough as cigarettes.)
6. Never hit a woman, ever (Never broke this rule)
7. Never commit a crime that you will get sent to jail for (on a technicality, rule is not broken since I have never been arrested or been charged with a crime)
8. Do unto others as they do unto you/Treat others as you wish to be treated (Sometimes broken, depending on the person. For the most part, I am faithful to this rule).
9. Love and respect your family and close friends (I think I am safe on this one)
10. Always remember to love and respect yourself and accept who you are and where you came from. With this, you will know where you are going. (Broken this rule, but unlike other rules, this broken rule is not necessarily always my fault).
Friday 20 July 2012
Sunday 15 July 2012
Bullying.
I did feel that for the most part growing up, that I was always a victim of bullying. I got physically bullied up until grade 6, but realized that since I was so big compared to everyone else in my classes that I might as well use my size to my advantage. Didn't get physically bullied after that, but emotionally I was still easy to pick on. Sometimes someone crossed the line and I cleaned their clock. They didn't try it again. However, I got labelled a violent kid as a result and other people would bully me, emotionally, for that reason. My emotional meltdowns at school usually included some strange threats and people running away in fear. My parents would then keep me at home for a couple days. I did get involved in school sports throughout both elementary and high schools, and was usually one of the first picked because of my athletic abilities. People only used me when they could benefit from doing so.
High school was similar to a degree, but a lot of people left me alone due to fear of what I might do if they angered me. There were those who did not have fear and did try to physically and emotionally bully me during gym classes and lunch time games. I stood up for myself quite well I thought, but people tried to tell me that "You will get your butt kicked if you think you can take me out. You got no one supporting you, I got the whole school." I tested that theory with one person, and everyone felt he deserved it and didn't back him up. I was left alone for a while, then it continued. Part of the reason I was bullied was because I did not play high school football, and I was pressured heavily by the players and coaches due to my size and pent up anger. I played soccer instead and the soccer players got little respect from the other sports teams in the school, especially the football players. Throughout school, I was used to girls saying about me "he is gross/ugly/creepy/weird." I also had to deal with new students at school saying to me "Why is she/he telling me not to talk to you?"
I got to college and did find people more accepting. At first, one classmate invited me out for a double date, but I apparently offended my date and he would not tell me how. I stopped communicating with him shortly after. Other people within our group eventually pushed him out and we all kind of pushed each other away after as well. I did find people were more open to communicating with me if they bumped into me. Then I hit a minor depression again and snapped out of it and started to take fitness and nutrition more seriously. I still had my friends, but I had not communicated with them after college was done.
Now I am past college experience and in the work world in a different city. I don't hang out with anyone I work with, and usually stick with familiar faces that moved here as well. I am also more prone to hang out with roommates and neighbours. I have not been bullied at all at work, but I usually don't get invited to hang out with co-workers outside of work. I find that people don't usually come to talk to me, or sit with me either. I initiate most of the conversations I have others. I don't really fit in at work and I think that is what causes my depression now.
Now after tall this, the thing I hate most about what I have said is that it had been all repressed until a couple months back when I hit another period of depression. Now I realize just how deep things went for me because everything I did my best to forget about it is coming back to the surface.
High school was similar to a degree, but a lot of people left me alone due to fear of what I might do if they angered me. There were those who did not have fear and did try to physically and emotionally bully me during gym classes and lunch time games. I stood up for myself quite well I thought, but people tried to tell me that "You will get your butt kicked if you think you can take me out. You got no one supporting you, I got the whole school." I tested that theory with one person, and everyone felt he deserved it and didn't back him up. I was left alone for a while, then it continued. Part of the reason I was bullied was because I did not play high school football, and I was pressured heavily by the players and coaches due to my size and pent up anger. I played soccer instead and the soccer players got little respect from the other sports teams in the school, especially the football players. Throughout school, I was used to girls saying about me "he is gross/ugly/creepy/weird." I also had to deal with new students at school saying to me "Why is she/he telling me not to talk to you?"
I got to college and did find people more accepting. At first, one classmate invited me out for a double date, but I apparently offended my date and he would not tell me how. I stopped communicating with him shortly after. Other people within our group eventually pushed him out and we all kind of pushed each other away after as well. I did find people were more open to communicating with me if they bumped into me. Then I hit a minor depression again and snapped out of it and started to take fitness and nutrition more seriously. I still had my friends, but I had not communicated with them after college was done.
Now I am past college experience and in the work world in a different city. I don't hang out with anyone I work with, and usually stick with familiar faces that moved here as well. I am also more prone to hang out with roommates and neighbours. I have not been bullied at all at work, but I usually don't get invited to hang out with co-workers outside of work. I find that people don't usually come to talk to me, or sit with me either. I initiate most of the conversations I have others. I don't really fit in at work and I think that is what causes my depression now.
Now after tall this, the thing I hate most about what I have said is that it had been all repressed until a couple months back when I hit another period of depression. Now I realize just how deep things went for me because everything I did my best to forget about it is coming back to the surface.
Tuesday 3 July 2012
Is Asperger's Syndrome noticeable?
For those who have Asperger's Syndrome, it may or may not be noticeable to other people. I wish I really knew how to explain this well, but I will do my best.
I got friends, family and co-workers and some acquaintances that know that I am an Aspie. Some people I will allude to the fact that I do have it without actually being direct and upfront about it. Like I have said in a previous post, we cannot live by the label of it if we don't want other people to label us however they want. There is very little understanding of what Autism or Asperger's Syndrome is, but I will do my best to explain that another time and give my own opinion on that subject.
For many of my closer friends, and yes I do know now that they do exist, they remember what I was like when I was younger. The ones that were there with me in my childhood saw the lack of self-esteem growing up, and the lack of eye contact. They saw a person that was easy to manipulate and tease and get going. What they also saw and this is most important, they also saw a guy that could not read social cues very well. I still have the problem of reading social cues properly, but I usually understand when people are making a joke or when people seem upset. I can read some body language too, so I know that I can use that to my advantage as well to know when to back off someone or not.
There were also people around me in school that saw me get harassed. It happened at home too since that is where it seemed to have started, but I think it happened more at school. I did get bullied a lot growing up and I have retaliated in the same manner to some people. It is not something to be proud of, but I do know that I wanted people to leave me alone. The harassment and bullying from what I have learned about myself growing up has caused me to become more guarded and it appears that new people coming into my life see this. This may have been the real root of my problem to establish and maintain new relationships with people. But when does one know when to keep their guard up and when to drop it. That is why I like meeting friends through other friends since I am already more relaxed in the company of familiar people. This helps me out big time.
New people in my life as I have already stated see that I am pretty guarded since they may be able to pick that up in my body language or through verbal communication. What they don't see is the mannerisms of a person who has Asperger's Syndrome. A big reason why is because most don't know what it is. Those who do know what it is or have an understanding usually would not have a clue. I think a big reason why is I have worked pretty hard on becoming normal throughout the course of my life. I can carry on a normal conversation with friends and I know when to keep quiet. When in a situation where I think i am on a date, I have no clue how to interact with people. I did not initially have problems with going out on dates. I think it is because I have had bad dating experiences is why I have no clue how to interact with a person while out on a date. I find it especially hard when doing online dating through a website like Plentyoffish for example.
My experience with online dating is even worse because the first few people I have met badly misrepresented themselves either through lying on their profiles or through misleading profile photos (photos don't match the actual person). There are also the number of people that justify standing up their dates. For that reason I have problems with Plentyoffish and come across more guarded there than I do with people I meet in person. There have been people since that did not lie or misrepresent themselves. The problem there is it did not work out (pretty easy to accept, especially when communicated), or I just never gave the person a chance after the first date. However, the common thing I have noticed through these dates were that the other person was scared of my body language or had problems reading it. This is how I knew that I had to come across as more relaxed or at least try and communicate this through eye contact and body language.
Despite all of these situations I have been in life, not one person knows for sure that I do have Asperger's Syndrome. I seem to act very normal but have the odd comment that comes out of my mouth (or touchpad/keyboard) every here and there. I am a very self-aware Aspie who knows that he has to do his best to fake his emotions when necessary as well. I know I have to be relaxed in social situations or I will not do very well in the long run. I also realize that I have to control my depression and OCD as well. I still don't believe in medication however, and refuse to take any.
I got friends, family and co-workers and some acquaintances that know that I am an Aspie. Some people I will allude to the fact that I do have it without actually being direct and upfront about it. Like I have said in a previous post, we cannot live by the label of it if we don't want other people to label us however they want. There is very little understanding of what Autism or Asperger's Syndrome is, but I will do my best to explain that another time and give my own opinion on that subject.
For many of my closer friends, and yes I do know now that they do exist, they remember what I was like when I was younger. The ones that were there with me in my childhood saw the lack of self-esteem growing up, and the lack of eye contact. They saw a person that was easy to manipulate and tease and get going. What they also saw and this is most important, they also saw a guy that could not read social cues very well. I still have the problem of reading social cues properly, but I usually understand when people are making a joke or when people seem upset. I can read some body language too, so I know that I can use that to my advantage as well to know when to back off someone or not.
There were also people around me in school that saw me get harassed. It happened at home too since that is where it seemed to have started, but I think it happened more at school. I did get bullied a lot growing up and I have retaliated in the same manner to some people. It is not something to be proud of, but I do know that I wanted people to leave me alone. The harassment and bullying from what I have learned about myself growing up has caused me to become more guarded and it appears that new people coming into my life see this. This may have been the real root of my problem to establish and maintain new relationships with people. But when does one know when to keep their guard up and when to drop it. That is why I like meeting friends through other friends since I am already more relaxed in the company of familiar people. This helps me out big time.
New people in my life as I have already stated see that I am pretty guarded since they may be able to pick that up in my body language or through verbal communication. What they don't see is the mannerisms of a person who has Asperger's Syndrome. A big reason why is because most don't know what it is. Those who do know what it is or have an understanding usually would not have a clue. I think a big reason why is I have worked pretty hard on becoming normal throughout the course of my life. I can carry on a normal conversation with friends and I know when to keep quiet. When in a situation where I think i am on a date, I have no clue how to interact with people. I did not initially have problems with going out on dates. I think it is because I have had bad dating experiences is why I have no clue how to interact with a person while out on a date. I find it especially hard when doing online dating through a website like Plentyoffish for example.
My experience with online dating is even worse because the first few people I have met badly misrepresented themselves either through lying on their profiles or through misleading profile photos (photos don't match the actual person). There are also the number of people that justify standing up their dates. For that reason I have problems with Plentyoffish and come across more guarded there than I do with people I meet in person. There have been people since that did not lie or misrepresent themselves. The problem there is it did not work out (pretty easy to accept, especially when communicated), or I just never gave the person a chance after the first date. However, the common thing I have noticed through these dates were that the other person was scared of my body language or had problems reading it. This is how I knew that I had to come across as more relaxed or at least try and communicate this through eye contact and body language.
Despite all of these situations I have been in life, not one person knows for sure that I do have Asperger's Syndrome. I seem to act very normal but have the odd comment that comes out of my mouth (or touchpad/keyboard) every here and there. I am a very self-aware Aspie who knows that he has to do his best to fake his emotions when necessary as well. I know I have to be relaxed in social situations or I will not do very well in the long run. I also realize that I have to control my depression and OCD as well. I still don't believe in medication however, and refuse to take any.
Monday 2 July 2012
The calm after the storm. (Breakdown number 6 included)
A little backstory as to how I got where I am now.
I have written a post about the word love and what it meant to me. It still means very little to me. Happiness is a different word, and I am starting to understand what that means. I am also starting to understand relaxation and calm feelings again. I have been there before and I am still here now. However, I still have to work on quitting smoking again. I got my fitness back on track again, I have my mind at ease again, and I enjoy my spare time when I have it.
There was another breakdown and I believe a girl problem was essential this time. I remember the girl was 19 years old and I am a few years older than her. I met her at a party on St. Patricks day, and the group of us ended up at a dance club later on in the evening. Me and her were the last two to leave so I asked for her phone number before I left to go home. We kept in touch and I finally asked her to come and hang out with me one day and she said yes. I quit smoking the day after St. Patricks day, but this girl had no influence on the decision to quit since the decision was made before I went out that night
The day came and we watched a the New York Rangers and Ottawa Senators game five playoff game at a pub. We had a couple drinks, talked and then went to play some pool for an hour. I had a good time and I thought she did too. Soon she no replied my text messages and we were supposed to go out to a movie as well. She got back to me a little while later and she repeated to no reply me again after that. I would not see her again until a friend's birthday party. I relapsed because of this stress and was not really exercising a whole lot at this point. The relapse brought the breakdown on and I remember punching the wall in my bathroom. I also had stitches on my chin from a cut I gave myself around this time, but that is a different story and it was an accident, not an attempt at suicide.
At this friend's birthday party, I saw her come in about two hours after I did and she acknowledged me. I acknowledged her back. Throughout the night we did engage in some small talk, but I think it was obvious that I was not myself now and she saw the smoking habit had come back. I noticed that she was a smoker now too. I think she may have hit her downfall around this time and had some issues. She finally admitted to not having gotten over an ex boyfriend. I also noticed the way she was flirting with another guy and I eventually told her when I had a second with her alone that I did find her attractive and told her why. Unfortunately it sounded like I liked her. She seemed to have repeated the sentiment right back to me, but eventually went back inside to talk with the other guy she had been flirting with earlier.
She did eventually go to lie down and at that point I decided to say goodbye to her. She decided to get up and hug me, and eye contact was made and she kissed me. I kissed her back and this went on for a minute before she said she could not do anymore because she felt too drunk. I let her go and went outside and was ready to leave. She eventually decided to walk her brother out and her flirty new boy friend followed shortly after that. She came back up alone and said she was leaving with her brother but indicated at the same time she was going home with her new boy friend. Even I could see past this lie. I said bye to her again and we kissed again for some reason.
The next day I asked her if she still wanted to hang out sometime. The response I got was "Yeah, that sounds good. But I work 70 hours this week with no days off and I will get back to you when I see my schedule later." Why i even asked considering what happened the night before was foolish. Even talking to her seemed foolish now. Now I had to move on, and this was going to suck because I made the same mistake I had made many years before and promised not to make again. I removed the girl from all of my contact lists including facebook. If I was going to feel good in the long run, this was necessary.
I had a vacation coming up in June. Between the events that happened on this weekend and my vacation, I had to wait three weeks. I was at a low point and feeling even more depressed, but found myself thinking less of the girl as weeks went on. The problem now was the intense isolation and the obsessive writing I was doing. I had some dark thoughts on my mind and I was writing a story that went a long with a certain time period of my life, but I made it much darker than it really was. I did know that there had to be a satisfying ending to the story as well. I accomplished that and may choose to release the book through Amazon at one point. The second story is still ongoing and parts of third story have been written. I will give more details another time.
I finally got my week off and decided to drive back home to visit friends and family for the week. I got back home on the Friday evening and I still had not been to the gym in a while and had not done any running either. I knew I had lots of work to do to get back in to shape again. I at least ate well enough during my time away from the gym, but also found myself smoking more. I checked my weight and my parents place and noticed I dropped 15 lbs. The first Saturday I went out for a run. The Sunday I hung out with some friends as I did on Monday and Tuesday as well. I did not hit the gym again until the Tuesday and Wednesday of that week. By the time Wednesday rolled around I got bored at home and got the impression that my friends back at home would be busy for the rest of the week. I left and got back to to where I live on Thursday evening and contemplated showing up to work the next day before deciding not too. I did another workout and went out with some friends on the Friday night.
Since I got back from vacation, I have kept myself busy more often than not and enjoyed my spare time. I have been hanging out with some friends more often, but I have found myself to be a little more guarded than normal. I have met some new friends but find that I don't want to get too far ahead of myself either. I have found a couple new women that I have had some mild interest in, but feel some self-fulfilling prophetic attitude towards actually ever asking anyone out. Now I know that I have to work on this in order to get what I want.
I have written a post about the word love and what it meant to me. It still means very little to me. Happiness is a different word, and I am starting to understand what that means. I am also starting to understand relaxation and calm feelings again. I have been there before and I am still here now. However, I still have to work on quitting smoking again. I got my fitness back on track again, I have my mind at ease again, and I enjoy my spare time when I have it.
There was another breakdown and I believe a girl problem was essential this time. I remember the girl was 19 years old and I am a few years older than her. I met her at a party on St. Patricks day, and the group of us ended up at a dance club later on in the evening. Me and her were the last two to leave so I asked for her phone number before I left to go home. We kept in touch and I finally asked her to come and hang out with me one day and she said yes. I quit smoking the day after St. Patricks day, but this girl had no influence on the decision to quit since the decision was made before I went out that night
The day came and we watched a the New York Rangers and Ottawa Senators game five playoff game at a pub. We had a couple drinks, talked and then went to play some pool for an hour. I had a good time and I thought she did too. Soon she no replied my text messages and we were supposed to go out to a movie as well. She got back to me a little while later and she repeated to no reply me again after that. I would not see her again until a friend's birthday party. I relapsed because of this stress and was not really exercising a whole lot at this point. The relapse brought the breakdown on and I remember punching the wall in my bathroom. I also had stitches on my chin from a cut I gave myself around this time, but that is a different story and it was an accident, not an attempt at suicide.
At this friend's birthday party, I saw her come in about two hours after I did and she acknowledged me. I acknowledged her back. Throughout the night we did engage in some small talk, but I think it was obvious that I was not myself now and she saw the smoking habit had come back. I noticed that she was a smoker now too. I think she may have hit her downfall around this time and had some issues. She finally admitted to not having gotten over an ex boyfriend. I also noticed the way she was flirting with another guy and I eventually told her when I had a second with her alone that I did find her attractive and told her why. Unfortunately it sounded like I liked her. She seemed to have repeated the sentiment right back to me, but eventually went back inside to talk with the other guy she had been flirting with earlier.
She did eventually go to lie down and at that point I decided to say goodbye to her. She decided to get up and hug me, and eye contact was made and she kissed me. I kissed her back and this went on for a minute before she said she could not do anymore because she felt too drunk. I let her go and went outside and was ready to leave. She eventually decided to walk her brother out and her flirty new boy friend followed shortly after that. She came back up alone and said she was leaving with her brother but indicated at the same time she was going home with her new boy friend. Even I could see past this lie. I said bye to her again and we kissed again for some reason.
The next day I asked her if she still wanted to hang out sometime. The response I got was "Yeah, that sounds good. But I work 70 hours this week with no days off and I will get back to you when I see my schedule later." Why i even asked considering what happened the night before was foolish. Even talking to her seemed foolish now. Now I had to move on, and this was going to suck because I made the same mistake I had made many years before and promised not to make again. I removed the girl from all of my contact lists including facebook. If I was going to feel good in the long run, this was necessary.
I had a vacation coming up in June. Between the events that happened on this weekend and my vacation, I had to wait three weeks. I was at a low point and feeling even more depressed, but found myself thinking less of the girl as weeks went on. The problem now was the intense isolation and the obsessive writing I was doing. I had some dark thoughts on my mind and I was writing a story that went a long with a certain time period of my life, but I made it much darker than it really was. I did know that there had to be a satisfying ending to the story as well. I accomplished that and may choose to release the book through Amazon at one point. The second story is still ongoing and parts of third story have been written. I will give more details another time.
I finally got my week off and decided to drive back home to visit friends and family for the week. I got back home on the Friday evening and I still had not been to the gym in a while and had not done any running either. I knew I had lots of work to do to get back in to shape again. I at least ate well enough during my time away from the gym, but also found myself smoking more. I checked my weight and my parents place and noticed I dropped 15 lbs. The first Saturday I went out for a run. The Sunday I hung out with some friends as I did on Monday and Tuesday as well. I did not hit the gym again until the Tuesday and Wednesday of that week. By the time Wednesday rolled around I got bored at home and got the impression that my friends back at home would be busy for the rest of the week. I left and got back to to where I live on Thursday evening and contemplated showing up to work the next day before deciding not too. I did another workout and went out with some friends on the Friday night.
Since I got back from vacation, I have kept myself busy more often than not and enjoyed my spare time. I have been hanging out with some friends more often, but I have found myself to be a little more guarded than normal. I have met some new friends but find that I don't want to get too far ahead of myself either. I have found a couple new women that I have had some mild interest in, but feel some self-fulfilling prophetic attitude towards actually ever asking anyone out. Now I know that I have to work on this in order to get what I want.
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