As I read through the forums and through online articles, I notice
that there are a lot of interesting comments. I, just like everyone
else, has an opinion to share. But I have observed the following things
in my life and realize the importance behind each lesson I have
learned.
1. Be thankful for each day: God has
opened my eyes to some things and I am thankful for every day that
passes now and every day that I have. Each day brings something to me
that I can share with others.
2. It doesn't matter who has it easier:
I always see people argue about who has it easier in life than others.
Sometimes we believe that others aren't getting what they deserve and
neither are we. Why focus on others and how easy we think they have it
in life? The majority of the time, we end up finding out that they
don't actually have it that easy at all.
3. Learn what forgiveness is:
Ultimately, to keep loving friends and family in your life, you have to
be able to learn how to forgive these people for their trespasses
against you. It also doesn't hurt to forgive those who have left your
life either. In fact, forgiving all those from your past for any
wrongdoing is far more healthy than holding a grudge, and is also more
pleasing to my Lord and Saviour.
4. Noone is ever truly looking for romance:
Many people look for romantic relationships, but end up finding them
for the wrong reasons. Many friendships also develop and love is also
developed between friends. Romance happens for a reason and it can't
really be forced or manipulated. For those who do force romance,
observe how happy these people truly are and you may be in for a
surprise.
5. To guys with romantic girlfriends: The reasons
you like your girlfriend will more often than not be the same reasons
other guys like your girlfriend. Some will try and convince your
girlfriend to dump you and be with them instead (even if for one thing
only). The clever ones will know not to overstep her boundaries, but
will often attempt to overstep yours in attempts to make you react in a
manner that will scare your girl away from you. Smart guys will be
supportive and leave it alone and move on to the next one.
6. To girls with romantic boyfriends:
There will be other girls that like your boyfriend for the same reasons
you do. However, it should be easy to spot people who will support
your relationships and your decisions. There will be friends in your
life that simply don't like your choice of boyfriends, so the choice
will be up to you what to do when they speak up.
7. Misery truly does love company:
Nothing can be truer for when you open up about what is bothering you.
Your loved ones and good friends will support you when you are feeling
down and will be happy to see you come back up again after a rough
period in your life. Most other people would like to keep you down to
boost their own egos.
8. Don't try to fool yourself: and don't try to fool God either.
God always knows when you are trying to fool him and it will eat away
at you if you even try. Be honest with yourself and God and open up all
your thoughts and feelings to god and repent when you need to. This is
the most important step to understanding forgiveness.
Saturday 31 May 2014
Cheating and Forgiveness Among Men and Women.
We find that many people can forgive and forget, and others can't. I
have noticed that relationships need a lot of forgiveness and love in
order to succeed. Love and forgiveness often brings joy and peace to
the people in your life. So what happens when someone does something
that hurts you?
I have three options:
1. My first option would be to pray to God and look in the direction that I am guided to afterwards.
2. Brood on what I am told and speak about it with people that aren't involved so that they can tell me what to do.
3. Self-destruct and do something I absolutely should not do (Drink myself to drunkenness while I'm upset as an example).
That last option is by far the worst option in my honest opinion. The second option could lead you either way as what you hear can be either good advice or bad advice. But if you are looking for a good opinion on that matter, I find the more I talk about my worries, the more negative I get. Prayer as i am finding it is the best option. However, remember that the problem you are having needs to be sorted out with anyone that might be involved. How you handle your side of the problem will determine the response you get from others as well.
Cheating and Forgiveness
I will try to avoid generalizing as much as possible and try to avoid being sexist. I just want to say that in my experience, I have met these types of people. Secondly, in the wake of the Elliot Rodger incident, I don't in any way think this is misogynistic at all. I do believe to a degree that too many people are jumping on the #yesallwomen bandwagon and I know full well that it is being overplayed. There are women out there that suffer. But don't mistake this either: men and women can be equally as nasty to each other.
I have found that in my experience communicating with men and women that it seems that the biggest source of emotional pain for women, or wounded ego (pride) for men is when an affair occurs in a relationship or marriage. I won't even bother with many of the reasons why people do it. I do believe to a degree that some men and women will do it for pre-meditated reasons and because the opportunity presented itself. My stand on cheating is that there isn't any good reason for doing so no matter how you look at it. I have seen people drive themselves to guilt over the decision to do so and it could have been avoided if they just went to the partner and said "it's over between us" before going to the next person. However, people do make their own decisions and it doesn't always make sense to me.
Now, from what I have seen, Women seem more likely to take a man back for committing an act of infidelity. I do believe that because women are more in tune with the emotional side of themselves and therefore can forgive a little easier than men. In other words: a lot of women don't let their egos get in the way of love. However, for those that do let their egos get in the way just a little bit, (and this has happened in the past for me and from what I have seen with other issues that occur) an opportunity will present itself for her to get even with the guy. The guy if he wants to keep the girl will almost always have to grin and bear it. An unwillingness to accept what you deserve often ends the relationship. At least that is how some might see it.
The reason why men find it harder to forgive an act of infidelity has more to do with their ego (pride). Nothing brings a man down quicker than having their pride destroyed by their wife or girlfriend having an affair with someone else. The guy is likely going to think that she did this because "she believes I'm not good enough." There could be all sorts of reasons why she chose to cheat, but of course, the question comes down to "Did I deserve this?" People will tell you that you did if you cheated first. I don't know for sure if you deserved it. But i will say this: no you didn't and you shouldn't have to accept the excuses as to why she cheated. To fall for her justifications and excuses enables her to get away with it again.
The bottom line can easily be a problem or issue within a marriage/relationship. Maybe someone has a poor sense of boundaries and has no idea what they will tolerate and what their partner will tolerate. Maybe there are misunderstandings. More often than not, I find it is: "I want out, but I didn't have the courage to tell you. So I acted out instead and hoped you would notice." Of course, people don't like getting caught either and can't bare the responsibility of their actions.
I also had an interesting conversation with a couple girl friends recently about people that stray as well. One of them actually did say that they find the attitude of looking around while actively involved in a relationship or marriage as selfish. The belief conveyed was the majority of time, the person looking is not willing to let go of the previous partner unless the new partner can offer something that satisfies their ego. This is going on the belief that the person doing this is bored and can't stand the responsibilities that come with being a mother/father and a husband/wife. This is also going on the belief that no amount of love shown to the person behaving this way is good enough. It's simply a lot of speculation, and I can't really go much further than that on the topic.
But from what I have experienced myself: I did play the field after a relationship in the past. I got involved with two ladies around the same time period. I found out that one person was actively looking for a relationship and was hoping to get it from me. Although we never had the exclusive talk, she felt that me getting involved with the other girl was cheating. She indicated a willingness to forgive and allow me the opportunity to clean up, but I instead chose the path of self-destruction and destroyed whatever was left of that friendship and relationship with some hurtful words.
Of course the next two girls I dated, I am convinced they cheated on my with their ex boyfriends even though I know they won't admit to it. Yeah, for those who believe in karma, I certainly got what I deserved. I also question whether they left them, but that doesn't matter anymore either. The truth is, I'm not willing to take them back and looking back at the experience with the two girls prior, I didn't understand why one would choose to forgive for such an act. I knew from one of these two that cheated on me that she was looking to see what she could get away with and I wasn't allowing it.
The first of those two taught me a lesson about taking people back: do it once and get away with it, you can do it again and again without consequence. In other words, you enable the cheating and bad behaviour and choose to do nothing about it. Guess what happens when you speak up about the poor treatment you receive? More often than not, I have found myself going about it the wrong way if I allowed someone to blatantly disrespect my boundaries like that. The person has gotten away with disrespecting and disregarding your boundaries. The chances are slim they will take you seriously when you are upset about it.
I got involved in quite the mess, and I know that this helped destroy my sense of well being a little. I knew I shouldn't have allowed the types to continue being too involved in my life. I did in fact suffer a workplace injury during the time period as well. The unfortunate part was that it was a concussion. Considering my history of anxiety and depression and anger issues, the post concussion symptoms were harsh. I was called a "piece of crap" by that first cheater who appeared to be ready to do it again to her boyfriend, but with another guy. I was also told I was worse than her boyfriend. She was also downright criticizing me and I was for some reason allowing it. Instead of staying away from the environments she frequented to as well (we had many mutual friends and acquaintences), I kept showing up (after a short break from going). She eventually stopped going to these environments. Any new friends she made told me that they get frustrated around her at points as well.
Now of course, I have written down and really looked at my past relationships and realize what it is that I will not put up with and what are deal breakers to me now. I know that many others do the same thing. I have come to realize that cheating is something that I can forgive, but I sure won't be interested in taking someone back for it. Having dealt with the pain before and being abused by people who simply didn't care how I felt, why would I deal with that abuse?
I have three options:
1. My first option would be to pray to God and look in the direction that I am guided to afterwards.
2. Brood on what I am told and speak about it with people that aren't involved so that they can tell me what to do.
3. Self-destruct and do something I absolutely should not do (Drink myself to drunkenness while I'm upset as an example).
That last option is by far the worst option in my honest opinion. The second option could lead you either way as what you hear can be either good advice or bad advice. But if you are looking for a good opinion on that matter, I find the more I talk about my worries, the more negative I get. Prayer as i am finding it is the best option. However, remember that the problem you are having needs to be sorted out with anyone that might be involved. How you handle your side of the problem will determine the response you get from others as well.
Cheating and Forgiveness
I will try to avoid generalizing as much as possible and try to avoid being sexist. I just want to say that in my experience, I have met these types of people. Secondly, in the wake of the Elliot Rodger incident, I don't in any way think this is misogynistic at all. I do believe to a degree that too many people are jumping on the #yesallwomen bandwagon and I know full well that it is being overplayed. There are women out there that suffer. But don't mistake this either: men and women can be equally as nasty to each other.
I have found that in my experience communicating with men and women that it seems that the biggest source of emotional pain for women, or wounded ego (pride) for men is when an affair occurs in a relationship or marriage. I won't even bother with many of the reasons why people do it. I do believe to a degree that some men and women will do it for pre-meditated reasons and because the opportunity presented itself. My stand on cheating is that there isn't any good reason for doing so no matter how you look at it. I have seen people drive themselves to guilt over the decision to do so and it could have been avoided if they just went to the partner and said "it's over between us" before going to the next person. However, people do make their own decisions and it doesn't always make sense to me.
Now, from what I have seen, Women seem more likely to take a man back for committing an act of infidelity. I do believe that because women are more in tune with the emotional side of themselves and therefore can forgive a little easier than men. In other words: a lot of women don't let their egos get in the way of love. However, for those that do let their egos get in the way just a little bit, (and this has happened in the past for me and from what I have seen with other issues that occur) an opportunity will present itself for her to get even with the guy. The guy if he wants to keep the girl will almost always have to grin and bear it. An unwillingness to accept what you deserve often ends the relationship. At least that is how some might see it.
The reason why men find it harder to forgive an act of infidelity has more to do with their ego (pride). Nothing brings a man down quicker than having their pride destroyed by their wife or girlfriend having an affair with someone else. The guy is likely going to think that she did this because "she believes I'm not good enough." There could be all sorts of reasons why she chose to cheat, but of course, the question comes down to "Did I deserve this?" People will tell you that you did if you cheated first. I don't know for sure if you deserved it. But i will say this: no you didn't and you shouldn't have to accept the excuses as to why she cheated. To fall for her justifications and excuses enables her to get away with it again.
The bottom line can easily be a problem or issue within a marriage/relationship. Maybe someone has a poor sense of boundaries and has no idea what they will tolerate and what their partner will tolerate. Maybe there are misunderstandings. More often than not, I find it is: "I want out, but I didn't have the courage to tell you. So I acted out instead and hoped you would notice." Of course, people don't like getting caught either and can't bare the responsibility of their actions.
I also had an interesting conversation with a couple girl friends recently about people that stray as well. One of them actually did say that they find the attitude of looking around while actively involved in a relationship or marriage as selfish. The belief conveyed was the majority of time, the person looking is not willing to let go of the previous partner unless the new partner can offer something that satisfies their ego. This is going on the belief that the person doing this is bored and can't stand the responsibilities that come with being a mother/father and a husband/wife. This is also going on the belief that no amount of love shown to the person behaving this way is good enough. It's simply a lot of speculation, and I can't really go much further than that on the topic.
But from what I have experienced myself: I did play the field after a relationship in the past. I got involved with two ladies around the same time period. I found out that one person was actively looking for a relationship and was hoping to get it from me. Although we never had the exclusive talk, she felt that me getting involved with the other girl was cheating. She indicated a willingness to forgive and allow me the opportunity to clean up, but I instead chose the path of self-destruction and destroyed whatever was left of that friendship and relationship with some hurtful words.
Of course the next two girls I dated, I am convinced they cheated on my with their ex boyfriends even though I know they won't admit to it. Yeah, for those who believe in karma, I certainly got what I deserved. I also question whether they left them, but that doesn't matter anymore either. The truth is, I'm not willing to take them back and looking back at the experience with the two girls prior, I didn't understand why one would choose to forgive for such an act. I knew from one of these two that cheated on me that she was looking to see what she could get away with and I wasn't allowing it.
The first of those two taught me a lesson about taking people back: do it once and get away with it, you can do it again and again without consequence. In other words, you enable the cheating and bad behaviour and choose to do nothing about it. Guess what happens when you speak up about the poor treatment you receive? More often than not, I have found myself going about it the wrong way if I allowed someone to blatantly disrespect my boundaries like that. The person has gotten away with disrespecting and disregarding your boundaries. The chances are slim they will take you seriously when you are upset about it.
I got involved in quite the mess, and I know that this helped destroy my sense of well being a little. I knew I shouldn't have allowed the types to continue being too involved in my life. I did in fact suffer a workplace injury during the time period as well. The unfortunate part was that it was a concussion. Considering my history of anxiety and depression and anger issues, the post concussion symptoms were harsh. I was called a "piece of crap" by that first cheater who appeared to be ready to do it again to her boyfriend, but with another guy. I was also told I was worse than her boyfriend. She was also downright criticizing me and I was for some reason allowing it. Instead of staying away from the environments she frequented to as well (we had many mutual friends and acquaintences), I kept showing up (after a short break from going). She eventually stopped going to these environments. Any new friends she made told me that they get frustrated around her at points as well.
Now of course, I have written down and really looked at my past relationships and realize what it is that I will not put up with and what are deal breakers to me now. I know that many others do the same thing. I have come to realize that cheating is something that I can forgive, but I sure won't be interested in taking someone back for it. Having dealt with the pain before and being abused by people who simply didn't care how I felt, why would I deal with that abuse?
Saturday 24 May 2014
A rant against the UCSB shooter.
Edit May 25, 2014-
I wanted to add this to those on the spectrum that might be upset and feeling rather worried. I felt extremely worried after the Sandy Hook incident myself. I remember the backlash that went against those diagnosed was nowhere near as bad as I thought it could be. In fact, I don't recall any backlash at all.
The media focused more on Elliot Rodger's manifesto and video more than they did on a diagnosis. Other than this blog entry I had written below on the 24th of May, I will not bring up any mention of the topic of this shooter or Sandy Hook in any future blog entry. The only exception is a brief passing mention in a reflective blog entry about what I might have been going through at the time.
--------------
Here we go again. I wrote a blog entry 17 months ago detailing how I felt about the shootings committed by a 20 year old named Adam Lanza in Connecticut. 17 months later, we now have a guy killing women because he doesn't like being a virgin at the age of 22?
I was a virgin at the age of 22, and I had a lot of people run their mouths in their life about how being a man meant sleeping with women. The interesting thing is that over the years, I learned just how full of crap some of these people can be as well. I also learned that many of these men that claimed that they slept with a high number of women were just braggers who knew far less than they claimed to have actually known. Granted, some knew what they wanted and that was sex. I eventually realized that as much fun as sex was, it never actually made me feel happy to just have sex with someone.
I had a busy day on the 24th of May. I first heard about this incident when me and my girlfriend were heading out to the beach. She told me some young kid shot up a bunch of women on some street because he was unhappy with being a virgin or because he didn't like being rejected. I remember saying at the time that I wouldn't be surprised in the least bit if this guy somehow ends up being reported as being diagnosed with Aspergers or Autism. There was never another time where I hated being right.
Some of my blog readers know I frequently visit and post on the Love and Dating section of wrongplanet.net. It was when I read this thread (click here) on the website where I found out that I was right and I just cringed. You will see that many people in this thread are very upset about this. There are probably other links on the website right now that will also show this. Any other autism forum, i wouldn't be surprised if there are people who feel hurt as well. It's like the Adam Lanza incident all over again. The stigma will continue and it isn't going to get any better. The BBC apparently reported that he was diagnosed with Aspergers in this Link. I also found it interesting that this kid is also a son of a filmmaker in Hollywood.
Now of course there is the video Elliot Rodgers posted which I watched with the girlfriend. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. First off, he comments on how hurt he feels over the rejection he faces. He then questions why women choose other men over him since he is such a great guy. Comments on how he has his sexual advances rejected. Comments on how he feels superior to other people. What was I just hearing? Yeah, this is not Aspergers talking. This is self-entitlement and selfishness talking here. There was nothing loving about what he said.
Newsflash for everyone: Typically, an Aspie goes through all sorts of rejection in their life. I have, and so has just about any other Aspie. So does everyone else regardless of a diagnosis or not. All i heard in this video is "I want to have sex" and "if you won't have sex with me, I will get my revenge." This is how everyone is going to look at it. We will also see a superiority complex with the way he talks about women and other people in general. Nice guys aren't entitled to anything. I also see a guy in the video who seems to not understand that others have boundaries and want them to be respected.
We also get someone posting on a PUA hate blog about a PUA response. Take a look at Amanda Hess' blog entry here. I'm glad this was posted as I am sure people know how I feel about PUA communities by now and Amanda has provided links to back herself up. Some of these guys apparently suggested that they could have helped prevent the deaths if Elliot listened to them or if Elliot allowed someone to coach him. This is quite disturbing in it's own right if people truly believe that.
I really don't know if I should feel sorry or Elliot and the rejection he felt. I remember how it felt to be rejected and I remember the hormones raging within me and wanting to have sex at that age as well. But I also remember I got through college without and I find that it doesn't bother me. I always seemed to have friends around to talk to and hang out with.
However, I do know that temptation can come when we are isolated as well. People can be tempted to do all sorts of weird and possibly dangerous things when they are kept to themselves for too long. This isolation definitely has nothing to do with Aspergers. It has more to do with not having people around to influence you about what is wrong or right. There is no moral conscience to develop from isolation. Of course, isolation could be forced on yourself if you refuse to listen to others as well.
When it all comes down to it, it's really hard for me to gauge how I should feel about this other than appalled that it happened again. Another terrible incident involving a shooter who is said to be diagnosed with Aspergers. May the families of the victims have God on their side in this tough time and may they mourn the losses and do what they can to move forward. May there be prayers and expressions of love given to those affected and may they be helped in this tough time in their lives.
I also pray and wish for those diagnosed not to panic too much over this incident. I know it's very tempting to be upset and mad about all of this. I know many others who promote and love to hate others will do what they want to do and make you feel unloved as well. Just know that those who make you feel unloved probably don't understand what love really is, but only claim to know. And after all, learn to forgive those who make you feel unloved as they may not know what forgiveness is either.
I wanted to add this to those on the spectrum that might be upset and feeling rather worried. I felt extremely worried after the Sandy Hook incident myself. I remember the backlash that went against those diagnosed was nowhere near as bad as I thought it could be. In fact, I don't recall any backlash at all.
The media focused more on Elliot Rodger's manifesto and video more than they did on a diagnosis. Other than this blog entry I had written below on the 24th of May, I will not bring up any mention of the topic of this shooter or Sandy Hook in any future blog entry. The only exception is a brief passing mention in a reflective blog entry about what I might have been going through at the time.
--------------
Here we go again. I wrote a blog entry 17 months ago detailing how I felt about the shootings committed by a 20 year old named Adam Lanza in Connecticut. 17 months later, we now have a guy killing women because he doesn't like being a virgin at the age of 22?
I was a virgin at the age of 22, and I had a lot of people run their mouths in their life about how being a man meant sleeping with women. The interesting thing is that over the years, I learned just how full of crap some of these people can be as well. I also learned that many of these men that claimed that they slept with a high number of women were just braggers who knew far less than they claimed to have actually known. Granted, some knew what they wanted and that was sex. I eventually realized that as much fun as sex was, it never actually made me feel happy to just have sex with someone.
I had a busy day on the 24th of May. I first heard about this incident when me and my girlfriend were heading out to the beach. She told me some young kid shot up a bunch of women on some street because he was unhappy with being a virgin or because he didn't like being rejected. I remember saying at the time that I wouldn't be surprised in the least bit if this guy somehow ends up being reported as being diagnosed with Aspergers or Autism. There was never another time where I hated being right.
Some of my blog readers know I frequently visit and post on the Love and Dating section of wrongplanet.net. It was when I read this thread (click here) on the website where I found out that I was right and I just cringed. You will see that many people in this thread are very upset about this. There are probably other links on the website right now that will also show this. Any other autism forum, i wouldn't be surprised if there are people who feel hurt as well. It's like the Adam Lanza incident all over again. The stigma will continue and it isn't going to get any better. The BBC apparently reported that he was diagnosed with Aspergers in this Link. I also found it interesting that this kid is also a son of a filmmaker in Hollywood.
Now of course there is the video Elliot Rodgers posted which I watched with the girlfriend. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. First off, he comments on how hurt he feels over the rejection he faces. He then questions why women choose other men over him since he is such a great guy. Comments on how he has his sexual advances rejected. Comments on how he feels superior to other people. What was I just hearing? Yeah, this is not Aspergers talking. This is self-entitlement and selfishness talking here. There was nothing loving about what he said.
Newsflash for everyone: Typically, an Aspie goes through all sorts of rejection in their life. I have, and so has just about any other Aspie. So does everyone else regardless of a diagnosis or not. All i heard in this video is "I want to have sex" and "if you won't have sex with me, I will get my revenge." This is how everyone is going to look at it. We will also see a superiority complex with the way he talks about women and other people in general. Nice guys aren't entitled to anything. I also see a guy in the video who seems to not understand that others have boundaries and want them to be respected.
We also get someone posting on a PUA hate blog about a PUA response. Take a look at Amanda Hess' blog entry here. I'm glad this was posted as I am sure people know how I feel about PUA communities by now and Amanda has provided links to back herself up. Some of these guys apparently suggested that they could have helped prevent the deaths if Elliot listened to them or if Elliot allowed someone to coach him. This is quite disturbing in it's own right if people truly believe that.
I really don't know if I should feel sorry or Elliot and the rejection he felt. I remember how it felt to be rejected and I remember the hormones raging within me and wanting to have sex at that age as well. But I also remember I got through college without and I find that it doesn't bother me. I always seemed to have friends around to talk to and hang out with.
However, I do know that temptation can come when we are isolated as well. People can be tempted to do all sorts of weird and possibly dangerous things when they are kept to themselves for too long. This isolation definitely has nothing to do with Aspergers. It has more to do with not having people around to influence you about what is wrong or right. There is no moral conscience to develop from isolation. Of course, isolation could be forced on yourself if you refuse to listen to others as well.
When it all comes down to it, it's really hard for me to gauge how I should feel about this other than appalled that it happened again. Another terrible incident involving a shooter who is said to be diagnosed with Aspergers. May the families of the victims have God on their side in this tough time and may they mourn the losses and do what they can to move forward. May there be prayers and expressions of love given to those affected and may they be helped in this tough time in their lives.
I also pray and wish for those diagnosed not to panic too much over this incident. I know it's very tempting to be upset and mad about all of this. I know many others who promote and love to hate others will do what they want to do and make you feel unloved as well. Just know that those who make you feel unloved probably don't understand what love really is, but only claim to know. And after all, learn to forgive those who make you feel unloved as they may not know what forgiveness is either.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)