Connecting with others

A boy on the Autism forums is just finishing his second year of college.  He has a crush on a girl, but it appears that he has problems getting her to hang out with him and open up.  Other than revealing that he has Aspergers and Anxiety issues, he mentioned that the girl also has anxiety issues.  If the girl is avoiding him and other men, the reason could be anxiety.  At the same time, I sense the two just aren’t connecting since he apparently got on her nerves (according to him).  Getting on someone’s nerves usually is enough to push a person away from what I have found in my experience in life. 

Why connecting matters to people:

People are able to connect with others for whatever reason.  There are also the select few that can form a close bond with you.  These types of people are the ones that stay in your life throughout and are usually never going to disappear.  Never once is a person who is closely connected to you ever going to be considered an acquaintance even in times when that friend starts acting like one.  When that connection is made, it usually lasts for a long time and possibly until life ends.

The problem here for the Aspie is he might not even understand how to connect with someone or how connecting with others work.  It’s a depressing thought to have and it helps explain why Aspies tend to isolate and have severe anxiety issues from time to time.  Depending on the severity of the diagnosed person’s Asperger’s behaviour, it’s likely people will not make the effort to include the Aspie in their life.  It’s usually up to the Aspie to find a way if he really wants to show people he can connect.  However, the Aspie may realize that any connections can be broken if he hits the wrong nerve with other people.

I find it hard to connect with people myself if I feel uncomfortable around them, or I sense they aren’t willing to communicate or make time with me.  Whatever connection I make relates to how others treat me.  There are times where I make the effort to connect, but I find it just isn’t happening for whatever reason.  Unfortunately for the Aspie, if his diagnosis is severe enough to prevent him from understanding the give and take aspect of any relationship, he could frustrate others in their ability to connect with him.

Abstract (tactful) vs concrete (literal) thinking and connecting:

I have also found that the major problem for the Aspie in his inability to connect is his bluntness and honesty.  It also doesn’t help when the Aspie is a literal thinker more often than not.  Literal thinkers tend to say what they mean and mean what they say.  This of course is not very tactful at all and the wrong thing can definitely be said at the wrong time.  Of course, any tactful thinker will have a hard time trying to read between the lines of what the Literal thinker says and this will further frustrate the abstract thinker.  Connections tend to be harder to make when there is an inability to read a social cue.  It seems to be a requirement to an abstract thinker that another person reads their cues if they were to form a close relationship with anyone.  This usually leaves the literal thinker in the dark and isolated.

Another problem that the abstract thinker might have with the literal thinker would be within the rules of socialization and connecting.  The literal thinker will see things in black and white more often than not, while many abstract thinkers tend to think in colours, or grey areas if you must.  There’s usually no grey areas to a literal thinker and the punishment must fit the crime in the eyes of the literal thinker.  So of course, for many female abstract thinkers that end up dating a literal thinker and let their emotions get the best of them, the literal thinker may miss the cue being presented to them and believe that the other meant what they said.  This can cause many missed connections.  However, I don’t see how abstract thinkers would care to deal with the black and white thinking of a literal thinker for too long.

Of course the literal thinker is often confused by the abstract thinker as a result of the grey areas being presented to them.  Since the literal thinker has the inability to read the social cues like an abstract thinker does, he doesn’t bother to read between the lines in what is told to him or he might miss the point.  If the literal thinker believes he is missing something, questions may be asked.  However, the Abstract thinker might get frustrated with having to explain things because they might be thinking “is he really that retarded?” (A harsh quote to use, but it gets the point across about frustration an abstract thinker might feel.)

Abstract thinkers and literal thinkers have a tendency to not understand eachother and as a result, connections can be hard to make.  It takes heavy compromising to understand eachother and sometimes it works out and other times it doesn’t.  Abstract thinkers tend to form better connections with like-minded people and literal thinkers have problems connecting with the abstract thinker.  I have no proof to show that literal thinkers have harder time forgiving others than an abstract thinker does, but I believe it could be true.  Nothing can really be blamed on one person for a missed connection.  The only explanation is that it is what it is.

Bullying, and Using.

Someone on the autism forums actually asked a question about whether people are attracted to bullying or not.  This person that posed the question has this ill-conceived notion that some women he met are attracted to the type that will bully other people to assert dominance.  If that is the case, he has found the wrong women and possibly found himself in the wrong crowd.  Chances are he couldn’t tolerate being bullied anymore. 

Bullying

Most people I know and meet are not even turned on by bullying at all.  It actually upsets them and makes them run away.  Granted, the person who doesn’t stand up for themselves when being bullied isn’t really doing himself any favours either.  Maybe this might be the real issue for the person that posed the question, but since there weren’t many details given, we can’t make that assumption.  I have come to realize that a lot of bullies tend to lash out due to some perceived insecurity they might have.  The person who doesn’t stand up for himself has guilt issues.  That’s all you need to know about that. 

As for the question about why women may or may not be turned on by it, it’s a simple answer.  Any women who is attracted to bullying is crazy.  Enough said on that one.  Why a women isn’t turned on by it?  There are probably many reasons as to why.  The simplest reasons for me is that although they do like a decisive man who can protect them and make them feel safe, bullying doesn’t make them feel safe.  Chances are their emotions are telling them “When does the abuse come my way?”  That’s the single biggest reason why I believe women are turned off by bullying.

Using

From a man’s point of view, they don’t usually have to worry about women bullying them.  What they do have to worry more about is the mind games and using that some women they come across do to them.  If not smart enough to deal with it, or just simply ignoring the signs, the man has himself to blame for the bullshit that may ensue.  I am not putting all the responsibility on the man for what women do to them, some women eventually learn that what goes around always comes back around as well.  The way women like to play games is by getting into the head of someone else.

A possible scenario is the girl asks the guy that likes her what he is doing and tags along.  The guy wanted to see her and that’s why he wants her there.  They go to hang out with some friends at a house party and the girl decides to hit on one of his friends.  This friend may or may not know what the guy feels for this girl and may give in to the signals.  If something happens, the girl used you to get to another guy (presumably to use him as well).  If you liked the girl, you will learn at this point that you won’t tolerate this moving forward.  Telling her off is a very complicated thing to do because you might be wrong if she wasn’t using you and didn’t realize you had feelings (didn’t tell her).  If feelings were revealed and she didn’t give a clear sign that she liked you, part of the game she may play with you is to make you feel guilty for telling her off.

Can the user or bully learn?

You can tell the person what they are doing is wrong, but it’s up to them to listen.  You can never make another person listen to you no matter how hard you try.  It’s also not your fault if they don’t like what they are hearing from you (truth can hurt, but sometimes necessary).  They have to be willing to communicate and understand where you are coming from.  If they refuse to listen to you, they didn’t care for you to begin with or maybe you were mean with what you said.  Chances are when they know better they may come crawling back looking to make amends.  I rarely see anyone come crawling back to me, they either learn their lesson or they don’t when they come across new people in the future.  However, your defense mechanism may be turned on and you may end up choosing to keep that person at arm’s length moving forward if they do come back into your life.  This may turn that person off for any possible reason. 

Three important lessons learned recently.

In regards to friendships, dating and relationships, I have learned this much to be of real value.

1.A co-worker told me before my trip to South America this much about his dating and relationship experiences "I have found that the more I care, the harder I tried and the worse things got."  I have noticed the same in some of my experiences with friendships and dating as well in the past. This is a very tricky lesson to learn and this piece of advice can easily be misapplied in some situations.
If a girl cares and wants you to care, she will tell you.  It doesn't always work that way however.

2. My cousin told me this much about words when someone is upset with you "Less is more."  I would guess that means that you might want to get your point across with fewer words so that the impact of what you intend to say is not missed.  It does open up a chance for dialogue if clarification is needed.

3. Bumped into a teacher from school when I was back home for a part of this weekend.  He indicated to me "The more you explain yourself, the more trouble you seem to get into."  I also kind of realized at this point after a conversation with a friend earlier in the week that what I was saying to them, they kept throwing back in my face with the words twisted around.  I gave up and just stopped the conversation before I got upset.

These three lessons do kind of intertwine together. I have seen many friendships hit a roadblock or simply end because of this kind of advice being ignored.

Final note- May 22, 2013- Coming back from South America, I was hoping not to have to deal with certain issues when I came back.  Unfortunately, I was pushed to deal with them quickly.  I was given a chance to be on good terms with one person, and given the chance to walk away from a person I just couldn't win with.  I have made my choice.  Now comes cleaning up the mess I made within myself.

Confusing selfishness with the state of mind.

I may have overlooked one thing throughout my blog that may very well make an Aspie come across as selfish.... well to be honest, I am not sure if it is a character trait inherited from my father or if it really as an Aspie problem.  This is the trait that I show when I have my mind set on something, It really hurts me to have to change my mind.  It's a little hard to explain the reason for it, but I'll give it my best.
My brother had his stag party last night.  It was alcohol free but there were some laughs shared.  I am not sure if we would have gotten away with getting him to do the things he did back home.  It is a little different down here in Lima.  I do remember the last thing he wanted to do before the night was over was to go see a movie that I didn't want to see.  I don't think my father wanted to go to a movie either.  I mentioned something to my cousin and he pointed out that "It's your brother's stag.  I know it must be killing your father and you are probably right.  Once you have your mind set to do something, you don't like it when people force a change of heart for you.  It's something you will have to work on."  I was actually upset about having to go to a movie I didn't really want to see when I'd rather go home and just rest up for the evening.  I ended up finding out later on that I may have been right with wanting to go home as I felt a little sick after the movie.  I have been going way too long without water throughout and I didn't drink any water during the movie either
Dating experiences... this is the most painful part of me.  Once I have it in my mind that it's over, it's over.  There isn't any going back and there is no change of heart or mind after.  I can't do much and I have found that when others want an explanation or want something from me, I push away instead since my mind was already made up.  I find this usually happens when someone hurts me.  Go figure.  No wonder why I can't keep people around for more than a month or two.  Someone said to me once that my biggest reason for failure in dating and relationships is because of my low-to-zero tolerance for bullshit.  "You will never succeed in the dating world or in relationships if you can't let a person in after they hurt you," was the comment I got.
Work- There isn't much you can do in the work environment.  Saying no when you have to do something you don't want to do could easily result in you getting fired at some point.  Of course, the thought of not making money more often than not forces me to suck it up more often than not.  However, I managed to find a way to communicate what I don't like and what I do like to my supervisors to help accomodate me better.  It usuallly works out fine. 
Wish I was more effective with this in social experiences and dating.  But the problem is in the social life is you will get excluded just for saying no in a careless manner.

Fear: the cause of meltdowns explained

As for meltdowns: Forget Aspergers.  Everyone on the Spectrum seems to think that they only have a meltdown of some kind.  Here is the truth: Everyone regardless of a disorder is capable of a meltdown.  The way a person thinks is the primary reason for such meltdowns to happen. 

Sensory issues for Autism: yes, for me if I can't escape an area in which loud irritating noise is present, I will meltdown.  That is about the only excuse I will have for a meltdown caused by a sensory issue.  Recently, I found myself trying to cope with it rather than run away.  But I have never been able to effectively deal with it.

It's all in your mind:
Fear: the biggest reason for any meltdown to occur.  But exactly what is causing the fear for you?  It could be a number of reasons.  Only the person who is experiencing the meltdown will know for sure since they know themselves well enough or ought to know.  The trend I am seeing is it revolves around those who can't escape the identity that they created for themselves and can't break free of this mold.  I am starting to see that these meltdowns occur because people can't let go of the past or the emotions they have in an effective manner.  I am starting to see these meltdowns may occur because people give in to self-defeating thoughts and behaviours.  I have also noticed that dependency on the acceptance of others is also a problem.  All of these trends lead right back into fear.

Your identity (ego)- For me, it was identifying too much with the Aspergers Diagnosis.  The truth is simple: it's just a diagnosis, or label if you must.  I have probably said this before, but if you want to live by a label, you will have to be prepared to die by that label.  Truthfully, noone wants to live by their diagnosis of anything.  People just want to be themselves and not what others want them to be.  The harsh reality about holding on to your identity is that you are probably depending on others to like you for it.  Your identity is just a mask of who you really and only appeals to those who don't want to see the real you.

Letting go of the past-  I have to make this very clear right now: What happens in the past stays there.  Sure it helped you learn a few things along the way as it should have.  But relying on the past to solve all of your problems in the present and moving forward doesn't always work.  The reason it doesn't work is each person and each situation you are in is different in it's unique way.  You need to find alternatives to your solutions or you will never escape the identity you created for yourself.  The best example I have is the fact that I chose to delete a friend of Facebook years ago because she lied to me about not wanting a relationship at that point in time.  I did this same thing to a girl back in the fall after we stopped dating eachother.  The truth is that I used a past scenario to solve a problem in what was a present setting.  I was too afraid of using a different method of solving a problem and was using an old method based off the ego I identified with and the fact that I never truly let go of the past.
A failure to let go of the past will result in not dealing with your issues or not letting go at all.  This is a very critical mistake that can likely lead to self-doubt and self-defeating behaviours.  People in the past weren't accepting of you and you have to let that go.  People in the present aren't going to be accepting of you either and you can't be looking for acceptance in order to be happy.

Expressing yourself effectively- A person who can't express himself effectively is somewhat who likely allows others to make them feel guilty.  This is a burden in itself if you look at from a negative perspective.  What it really is to me is this: A person who can't express themselves likely puts the needs of another person ahead of their own. 
A good scenario for this: When it comes time to ask the other person to do something for you, they may say no.  You ask again a little while later and you get no for an answer.  Keep going and now you might be frustrated at all the giving you are doing and all the taking they are doing.  The saying goes "Give an inch, they take a mile."  This is what happens when you get used by someone and they always say no when you ask them a favour.  How you go about expressing yourself may impact whatever friendship the two of you have moving forward.  You are right to express yourself, however, don't be surprised if the other person fails or even refuses to understand where you are coming from.  There is not much you can do at that point.  The majority of time (99.9%), you have no reason to feel guilty and maybe a small reason to feel sad about what happened.

Ideally, these are some key things that can cause meltdowns.  Fear, self-defeating behaviours and thoughts, fear of leaving the past behind you, and fear of moving forward.

The real truth- what Aspergers really is.

I am going to communicate this really clearly.  There will be no deep thought required in understanding what I have to say.  Those who are looking for a deep meaning should look elsewhere if it makes them feel better in doing so

Obsessive traits are related to Aspergers, but obsessive traits are essentially the traits of someone diagnosed with Obsessive Compulisve Disorder (OCD).  You don't need to have Aspergers to have OCD and vice versa.

Anxiety comes from fear and listening to what your mind tells you.  You don't need to have Aspergers to have Anxiety and vice versa. 

You can be an introvert or an extrovert.  Neither personality type is predisposed to Aspergers.  You either like to talk to people, or you like to keep to yourself.

Being sad or happy is really just a state of mind.  Everyone can go through a period of sadness or depression.  You don't need to have depression to be Aspergers

Emotions can be either intense or cold like a person who has Bi-polar disorder or some other type of disorder.  But this still doesn't fit the bill on what Aspergers really is.

People with any of the above conditions or states of mind may not have any issues in communicating or socializing with other people.  They may or may not have any sensory issues of their own.  The personalities don't even matter.  And more importantly, meltdowns and shutdowns happen in normal people as well.

What Aspergers at it's core is heightened senses (including emotions and increased empathy in some cases) with problems in social settings and communication.  Once the senses are controlled and understood, only then can the problems with social settings and communication be improved.  The senses can easily cause a meltdown.

Edit- January 20, 2012.  Another truth.  Everything above is a mental label that are given to you by some doctor or shrink.  You can also view it as psychological or philosophical bullshit as well.  Another truth is that if you live by a label, you will die by that label.

Taking responsibility vs beating yourself up.

This post is simply about the idea of letting go of the past.  It's about letting go of past relationships and past pains and friendships that are of no use to you anymore.  This is about the small decisions you make that have an impact on what you do with your life.  This is about letting go of any pain and moving on to a higher purpose and better life.  This post is essentially about taking responsibility for your actions and letting go.

Beating yourself up:
Have you ever had that deep feeling of regret or guilt in you for doing something bad to someone else?  What was it that you did that was so bad anyway?  Let's just say you hurt a person you care for and it hurts you that you did that.  Do you think simply apologizing for it is the best option?  Apologizing for your actions is not necessarily going to help you recover from it as you still might be beating yourself up over the issue.  Realize the truth that you will hurt other people that you care about deeply, and remember that they do it all the time as well.  Do they ever apologize for it?  Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.  You don't have to apologize for everything you do.  Sometimes you hurt people by making decisions that are in your best interest.  There is no reason in apologizing when it comes to deciding what is in yours and everyone else's best interest.  Furthermore, there is no excuse for apologizing for your feelings either.
You should not beat yourself up over anything.  It's hard to enjoy life as it is if you are going to be hard on your self.  Next time you hurt a person's feelings, take that one day off work because you are sick, show up late to something once, forget an important date, or even break up with someone.... remember that things happen for a reason.  Being too hard on yourself is not letting go and it certainly isn't responsible behaviour either.  I have mentioned the ego in previous blogs.  Your ego wants you to justify your actions rather than take responsibility anyway.

Taking responsibility for your actions:
For everything you do in your life, you are responsible for it.  You are responsible for calling into work late or sick, and you are responsible when your actions hurt someone else.  You are responsible for your own life and who you chose to have in it.  You are responsible for the career choice that you make and you are responsible for what you do right now.  Noone else made you do anything, and you certainly can't beat yourself up over the decision you make.  Take responsibility for yourself and grow.
It is important to remember that your ego and your mind simply wants you to justify your actions.  I have already stated that this is not responsible behaviour.  Apologizing for any bad behaviour is not responsible behaviour either.  Saying "I'm sorry" is pretty much justifying your actions when you deem it necessary to do so.  It appears in this world that people that are happy take responsibility for their actions.  They take full responsibility of their failures and successes.  Noone else makes you a failure or a success, only you can.
Next time you are thinking of saying "I'm Sorry," don't do it.  Realize that the words don't mean anything.  Taking responsibility means a lot more than words ever will.