Please note that this blog entry has been edited a few times since original posting.
I got through nine pages of this thread on Wrongplanet.net where the OP asked "Who are the Self-Proclaimed Nice Guys?". Decided I had enough half way through that ninth page. I read some interesting comments. One poster pointed out that Christians think they are entitled to love because they grew up believing that God will love them. Well... here is my take on that because love involves a lot of forgiveness.
Later on after writing this entry, I finished reading that thread and realized that this blog is appropriate considering the topics of conversation. Being forgiving is very difficult and many people won't forgive a person that laments or is angry all the time, or is simply out for themselves. Yet, some of these type of people who lament or are angry claim to be nice guys. I should know, I was once like that when I was younger---> "how come you're dating that guy when he treats you like that? I would be much nicer to you." (I pull the disappearing act the next day, repeat those words in a week or two)
I'm not sure how many people ever truly understand the love of God, or accepting Christ as their saviour. Having just read through the book of Job (still have a few chapters to go in that book, and I think this is a great story), I noticed that a blameless man (Job) who never did wrong to anyone became the victim of some bad things happening in his life. The story reveals that God made a deal with Satan at the begining of that story because Satan wanted to prove that Job would curse against the Lord if bad things happened. (Words are mine to illustrate the point) God said to Satan "Do what you will, but don't kill the man."
Of course, Job lost his livestock, lost the respect of his friends and family, people tried to manipulate him, his wife made fun of him for having faith in God, and Job got sick. A few friends came to speak to him, but all sat in silence with Job for a week before Job spoke up. Job lamented on how he never did anything wrong and that God must be punishing him for something, but for what? His friends assumed he sinned and must repent. His friends insisted that Job didn't know God. However, Job wouldn't repent as he had not cursed against God.
I took a break before finishing the book of Job and had started this blog entry between readings. I still found the message of forgiveness applied. The Lord spoke to Job and Job replied. The three friends never spoke truth about the Lord and Job did. Although Job had never seen God before the end of this story, he had heard of the Lord and believed in him. Job never lost faith and spoke truth of the Lord and was rewarded for it despite lamenting on his lost fortunes. God had in fact rewarded Job for not cursing in him. Satan had lost his bet.
Moral of what I am trying to say: There are some people in this world that will treat you like crap and it wont be your fault as to why they do it. People like to tempt us and we all know this. People like to get you to do things that are not in your best interest, but may be in theirs. As soon as they got what they want, you are gone and treated as if you were a nobody and never existed. Despite this, some of the people that manipulate us and treat us like crap say they are doing it because they "love us." I have a far better understanding of love recently, and that kind of love may be self-centred, but sure shows me that I am not loved.
But you do have the choice to forgive people for slighting you, or being bitter and resentful and angry. I, like Job, got sick when I chose the route of anger and resentment and found myself making poor judgment calls. Sometimes I would choose to keep myself from speaking as Job did for a week. This is not healthy for a person at all to not speak, but to keep their words to themselves. Trying to understand forgiveness was the better option. I chose to take that route and felt healthier afterwards.
Also remember that people choose to forgive on their terms and that you shouldn't necessarily be begging forgiveness. People will come back if you show a forgiving nature as well. Not all people that hurt you mean any harm.
Thursday, 13 March 2014
Wednesday, 26 February 2014
An update:
I am keeping this entry short. For those who still read this, thank you. I plan on including writing about God and my relationship with God and how I can improve it in the future. I also plan on using some bible verses in future entries. I would also like to remind you that I am in fact new to being a Christian, so I may have some opinions. I am not trying to force opinions at all, I want to show some truth and steer away from voicing my opinions of possible.
I would like to emphasize that my favourite chapter in the bible so far comes from Ephesians 6. Specifically, the armour of God is my favourite part of it (verses 10-20 approximately). I may be using some examples of what I have learned in my progress and maybe some real life situations and how it has worked. My next entry will likely be about the amazing things I have discovered through prayer.
Til next time: God bless you all. Have a fantastic day.
I would like to emphasize that my favourite chapter in the bible so far comes from Ephesians 6. Specifically, the armour of God is my favourite part of it (verses 10-20 approximately). I may be using some examples of what I have learned in my progress and maybe some real life situations and how it has worked. My next entry will likely be about the amazing things I have discovered through prayer.
Til next time: God bless you all. Have a fantastic day.
Sunday, 2 February 2014
The misperceptions of Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.
It's been a while since I posted anything. Having discussed recently with other people about self-defeating habits and patterns of behaviour, I started writing some ideas down. However, these ideas don't even reflect what I had written months ago on this blog about this self-defeating series I had written. Some of the ideas I had written then were just the beginning of some of my own research. Since then, I have accepted Christ and have made time for God in my life. I have actually been more joyful, peaceful and happy since. I can find myself enjoying life more: at work, at home and in my social life.
I have written a book that includes ideas from previous blog entries I had written. These ideas include my life experience, my depression, my attempts at trying to understand what is Aspergers and what is not, and even including some of the little fables I had written ("Tale of the Honest Man" and "Window of Opportunity" come to mind). I look at the past with this blog and upon reflection, this blog in itself is a story of the self-defeating mind and very tragically relates to what Pick-up Artists go through. I never looked at myself as one, but this blog heavily reflects that of a person that is one. A good chunk of blog entries relates to dating and trying to understand why I had problems attracting women.
So as I looked through that book I had written recently, I realized that I had some good ideas written down. I detailed the experience of what a man diagnosed with Aspergers would likely go through before he accepts himself as he is. There are some dark thoughts here and there, and there are some examples in there that illustrate the lack of tact or social skills a person may have. I do think the book could use some editing for sure. There is no way the book can be released as is. But the ideas have laid down the foundation. The journey starts from the day I had written my blog entry about my thoughts and feelings on the Newtown shooting (December 15, 2012). The decision to start reading the "Power of Now" after that day is detailed. But I look back at it now, I don't regret reading that book or even looking at other spiritual self-help books. It brought me to God, and I realized that spiritual books do more to help my personal growth than a book on Social Intelligence or Aspergers ever will.
However, I realized after reading that book was that I found my relationships with women improved. How did this happen? I will explain in a second. But there are also pitfalls that comes from reading that book. After observing what was going on, and knowing that I was beginning to express myself and let go more appropriately, I also observed that I was able to live in the present moment without any real fear. I observed that this helped my relationships with women. I mentioned this to the friend that recommended the book to me, and he agreed that the book does help relationships with women. When offered advice on what worked with women and didn't, I declined to figure things out on my own. I don't regret that decision either.
The Pitfalls
The PUA community uses this book: Google it if you don't believe me. This is number one and can be found in all my answers as to why. I actually came to understand after a while that my insecurity matched that of a lot of women in the 18-25 age range. Part of the problem was having been with women whom I was dating in that age range. Once I realized what these insecurities were, I started realizing what I was doing that came across as insecure.
The harsh reality of women in that age range for the most part is they do spend lots of time growing up and trying to find themselves. A good chunk of men in the 19-27 age gap will be doing this as well. Outside of socializing, school and work, and away from the boyfriend/girlfriend, there is a lot of growing up going on. It's as simple as that. Of course, part of growing up is dealing with our own insecurities.
Emotional immaturity/insecurity: When socializing, we try not to focus on self-reflection. We enjoy the moment. I ended up figuring out the obvious. Women in that age gap who happened to be emotionally immature or insecure will always go for what they feel in that moment and they never ignore what their emotions are telling them and ignore logic and questions like "how would my boyfriend/girlfriend feel?". They may act like children in that regard. They will forget their boyfriends and do what they feel like doing. You also can't exclude men from behaving in this manner either. We can deal with consequences later provided it works in the way we want it to (which it may not, and we place blame and responsibility on others anyway for getting mad at us). In these moments, we aren't interested about the future or past, we are interested about the now.
PUA's may even use the now to justify irresponsibility: Especially for women. If you read enough on the internet, you'll notice that PUA's are obsessive about coming across like the "real alpha male" and placing himself as a man with "higher value" than other men. They also treat women like they are incapable of responsibility. The reason why is actually kind of simple: There are people out there that are concerned about the now regardless of the consequences it could have on their relationships.
Eckhart Tolle's message is being taken for granted: The point of this book is a very spiritual message, albeit a very Buddhist message at that IMO. He even gives warnings in the book about using the present moment for enjoyment and states that you still have to plan for the future, but work on those plans in the current moment as well. He also mentions that you must be able to deal with a problem in the moment, ignore it, or leave the environment without regretting your decision and complaining about it later.
The western world is very non-spiritual and very ego-centric as it is. So people were not going to listen to or read the spiritual message in the book. But from reading the spiritual message, you can understand some very important messages in the book.
The book references the ego, and the egoic mind repeatedly. He even mentions the dangers of the "Collective Ego" (more detailed in "A New Earth"). He warns people not to use the book for their own ego or they will miss the point of the message. Some people may have actually used this book to enhance their egos. This alone is a dangerous thing, and I had to discover this danger firsthand. I admit I didn't read the book to enhance my ego, but when it became easier to sleep with women, the ego started to evolve (I moved from having been with two women to having been with seven in a span of six months).
Manipulation can become easier: It is easier to hide your insecurities from reading this book. I don't remember reading "hide your insecurities and don't work on them" in the book at any point. But once you understood what makes people insecure, it was easier to find ways to manipulate them. Yes, a diagnosed Aspie realized how easy it can be to manipulate people. He also realized that he could still be manipulated just as easily.
One key point in the book was to be "non-reactive" and to listen when someone needs to be heard (a message that may have been repeated from John Gray's "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus"). This is good advice. But I wonder how many people misinterpreted the "non-reactive" and just simply took it literally and did nothing. I know I chose to do nothing and be non-reactive after a while. You think it brought people closer? It didn't. What it did was convince people I lost interest in them. I eventually had to learn how to listen as well.
Life today:
If it weren't for the path I took, I wouldn't know what progress I would have made. I wouldn't be discovering self-defeating habits. I also wouldn't be developing my relationship with God. I am very happy with where I am going. And this being a Sunday after a long and busy week, I do feel like resting and maybe doing some writing on my own. I will enjoy the day, and maybe take part in viewing the Super Bowl. I am no football fan, but I do hope Peyton Manning wins with the Denver Broncos.
I have written a book that includes ideas from previous blog entries I had written. These ideas include my life experience, my depression, my attempts at trying to understand what is Aspergers and what is not, and even including some of the little fables I had written ("Tale of the Honest Man" and "Window of Opportunity" come to mind). I look at the past with this blog and upon reflection, this blog in itself is a story of the self-defeating mind and very tragically relates to what Pick-up Artists go through. I never looked at myself as one, but this blog heavily reflects that of a person that is one. A good chunk of blog entries relates to dating and trying to understand why I had problems attracting women.
So as I looked through that book I had written recently, I realized that I had some good ideas written down. I detailed the experience of what a man diagnosed with Aspergers would likely go through before he accepts himself as he is. There are some dark thoughts here and there, and there are some examples in there that illustrate the lack of tact or social skills a person may have. I do think the book could use some editing for sure. There is no way the book can be released as is. But the ideas have laid down the foundation. The journey starts from the day I had written my blog entry about my thoughts and feelings on the Newtown shooting (December 15, 2012). The decision to start reading the "Power of Now" after that day is detailed. But I look back at it now, I don't regret reading that book or even looking at other spiritual self-help books. It brought me to God, and I realized that spiritual books do more to help my personal growth than a book on Social Intelligence or Aspergers ever will.
However, I realized after reading that book was that I found my relationships with women improved. How did this happen? I will explain in a second. But there are also pitfalls that comes from reading that book. After observing what was going on, and knowing that I was beginning to express myself and let go more appropriately, I also observed that I was able to live in the present moment without any real fear. I observed that this helped my relationships with women. I mentioned this to the friend that recommended the book to me, and he agreed that the book does help relationships with women. When offered advice on what worked with women and didn't, I declined to figure things out on my own. I don't regret that decision either.
The Pitfalls
The PUA community uses this book: Google it if you don't believe me. This is number one and can be found in all my answers as to why. I actually came to understand after a while that my insecurity matched that of a lot of women in the 18-25 age range. Part of the problem was having been with women whom I was dating in that age range. Once I realized what these insecurities were, I started realizing what I was doing that came across as insecure.
The harsh reality of women in that age range for the most part is they do spend lots of time growing up and trying to find themselves. A good chunk of men in the 19-27 age gap will be doing this as well. Outside of socializing, school and work, and away from the boyfriend/girlfriend, there is a lot of growing up going on. It's as simple as that. Of course, part of growing up is dealing with our own insecurities.
Emotional immaturity/insecurity: When socializing, we try not to focus on self-reflection. We enjoy the moment. I ended up figuring out the obvious. Women in that age gap who happened to be emotionally immature or insecure will always go for what they feel in that moment and they never ignore what their emotions are telling them and ignore logic and questions like "how would my boyfriend/girlfriend feel?". They may act like children in that regard. They will forget their boyfriends and do what they feel like doing. You also can't exclude men from behaving in this manner either. We can deal with consequences later provided it works in the way we want it to (which it may not, and we place blame and responsibility on others anyway for getting mad at us). In these moments, we aren't interested about the future or past, we are interested about the now.
PUA's may even use the now to justify irresponsibility: Especially for women. If you read enough on the internet, you'll notice that PUA's are obsessive about coming across like the "real alpha male" and placing himself as a man with "higher value" than other men. They also treat women like they are incapable of responsibility. The reason why is actually kind of simple: There are people out there that are concerned about the now regardless of the consequences it could have on their relationships.
Eckhart Tolle's message is being taken for granted: The point of this book is a very spiritual message, albeit a very Buddhist message at that IMO. He even gives warnings in the book about using the present moment for enjoyment and states that you still have to plan for the future, but work on those plans in the current moment as well. He also mentions that you must be able to deal with a problem in the moment, ignore it, or leave the environment without regretting your decision and complaining about it later.
The western world is very non-spiritual and very ego-centric as it is. So people were not going to listen to or read the spiritual message in the book. But from reading the spiritual message, you can understand some very important messages in the book.
The book references the ego, and the egoic mind repeatedly. He even mentions the dangers of the "Collective Ego" (more detailed in "A New Earth"). He warns people not to use the book for their own ego or they will miss the point of the message. Some people may have actually used this book to enhance their egos. This alone is a dangerous thing, and I had to discover this danger firsthand. I admit I didn't read the book to enhance my ego, but when it became easier to sleep with women, the ego started to evolve (I moved from having been with two women to having been with seven in a span of six months).
Manipulation can become easier: It is easier to hide your insecurities from reading this book. I don't remember reading "hide your insecurities and don't work on them" in the book at any point. But once you understood what makes people insecure, it was easier to find ways to manipulate them. Yes, a diagnosed Aspie realized how easy it can be to manipulate people. He also realized that he could still be manipulated just as easily.
One key point in the book was to be "non-reactive" and to listen when someone needs to be heard (a message that may have been repeated from John Gray's "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus"). This is good advice. But I wonder how many people misinterpreted the "non-reactive" and just simply took it literally and did nothing. I know I chose to do nothing and be non-reactive after a while. You think it brought people closer? It didn't. What it did was convince people I lost interest in them. I eventually had to learn how to listen as well.
Life today:
If it weren't for the path I took, I wouldn't know what progress I would have made. I wouldn't be discovering self-defeating habits. I also wouldn't be developing my relationship with God. I am very happy with where I am going. And this being a Sunday after a long and busy week, I do feel like resting and maybe doing some writing on my own. I will enjoy the day, and maybe take part in viewing the Super Bowl. I am no football fan, but I do hope Peyton Manning wins with the Denver Broncos.
Sunday, 10 November 2013
Banning touching at school and why I think it is wrong.
Here are a few links that illustrate the concern of many people, just check the bottom of the entry for them. I look at this as anti-bullying going way too far. I also see this as people lacking any common sense. So, someone gets hurt on a school playground, and an overprotective parent cries to the school? I may not be a parent, but give me a break. This rule goes way too far. I first heard this rule on the radio while I was at work and was hearing that many schools in my area were thinking of enforcing the same policy.
I'm not sure how to explain my opinion in a very clear way. But I will give a three clear reasons why I think it is wrong.
1. You are taking away the freedom to play and have fun. Kids are naturally hands on and try and learn to play through socializing and hands on type of environment. Sure there might be some kids that like to fight. The kids that are excessive in their hands on approach are usually reprimanded for it. Teachers when I was growing up would allow touching. So my guess is that kids won't even be allowed to play "Duck, Duck, Goose."
2. Common sense can be learned early. Enforcing such a rule will not allow a child to know right and wrong pretty early on. Such a rule will likely be hard for a kid to guage whether he or she can do it off the playground and at home as well under parent supervision even. Children are being taught to behave in certain ways by parents at home and by teachers at school. Behavioral conditioning based on common sense can be thrown out the window with such a rule.
3. Kids may not learn their lesson from doing something that gets them hurt. It's one thing to be strict, but to be overly strict without any bounds is ridiculous. I realize the school that implemented the policy thinks it will reduce injuries and they are probably right. But now kids will be far more afraid of doing something that they might get hurt by doing. Sometimes a lesson can be learned by doing something that you get hurt by doing. Kids tend to avoid playing around another kid that will hurt them because they fear it will happen again. As a result, the kid that hurts others may end up learning "Nobody wants to play with me because I hurt them. I will play nicer now." With such a rule, the chances of anyone learning this lesson are slim.
Another thing about this is that it is strictly pointed towards kindergarten students. Kindergarten is meant to be fun for students. What happens when there is no fun? Will the children feel as if they don't want to go to school anymore at that age?
http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/11052013-hands-off-schools-zero-tolerance-policy-bans-touching/
http://www.wondercafe.ca/discussion/parenting/ban-children-touching-other-children
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/british-columbia/bc-schools-no-hand-holding-rule-goes-too-far-parents-say/article15289870/
I'm not sure how to explain my opinion in a very clear way. But I will give a three clear reasons why I think it is wrong.
1. You are taking away the freedom to play and have fun. Kids are naturally hands on and try and learn to play through socializing and hands on type of environment. Sure there might be some kids that like to fight. The kids that are excessive in their hands on approach are usually reprimanded for it. Teachers when I was growing up would allow touching. So my guess is that kids won't even be allowed to play "Duck, Duck, Goose."
2. Common sense can be learned early. Enforcing such a rule will not allow a child to know right and wrong pretty early on. Such a rule will likely be hard for a kid to guage whether he or she can do it off the playground and at home as well under parent supervision even. Children are being taught to behave in certain ways by parents at home and by teachers at school. Behavioral conditioning based on common sense can be thrown out the window with such a rule.
3. Kids may not learn their lesson from doing something that gets them hurt. It's one thing to be strict, but to be overly strict without any bounds is ridiculous. I realize the school that implemented the policy thinks it will reduce injuries and they are probably right. But now kids will be far more afraid of doing something that they might get hurt by doing. Sometimes a lesson can be learned by doing something that you get hurt by doing. Kids tend to avoid playing around another kid that will hurt them because they fear it will happen again. As a result, the kid that hurts others may end up learning "Nobody wants to play with me because I hurt them. I will play nicer now." With such a rule, the chances of anyone learning this lesson are slim.
Another thing about this is that it is strictly pointed towards kindergarten students. Kindergarten is meant to be fun for students. What happens when there is no fun? Will the children feel as if they don't want to go to school anymore at that age?
http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/11052013-hands-off-schools-zero-tolerance-policy-bans-touching/
http://www.wondercafe.ca/discussion/parenting/ban-children-touching-other-children
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/british-columbia/bc-schools-no-hand-holding-rule-goes-too-far-parents-say/article15289870/
Tuesday, 5 November 2013
The Window of Opportunity.
This is meant to cover the more emotional part of the Aspie relationships. This is something I plan on putting in my little book as well:
There was a man named Jake. He loved going out running, walking, hiking, and he enjoyed playing soccer as well. His passion though was his painting, an art that helped him express himself. He was also a very kind man. Others didn't quite understand him, but he was fine with that. He knew he was a little different and understood and accepted himself as he was. He also realized where he could grow.
He decided to take the opportunity to go out with friends and meet some new people along the way. He enjoyed his social life for what it was and didn't turn down many invites to go hang out. His friends were happy to have him around despite his difference. His friends accepted him as he was as well. He was happy to have his friends and he managed to find a way to be approachable to others as well.
During one night out with some friends, Jake laid his eyes on the most beautiful girl in the room. He walked over and said "hi" to the girl and asked for her name. "Sandra" said the girl in reply. The two exchanged some pleasantries and engaged in a conversation. Sandra laughed at the sense of humour Jake displayed. She even listened intently as Jake spoke. Jake also got to know Sandra a little better and before the end of the night, the two exchanged phone numbers before Sandra left to go home.
A couple days went by and Jake phoned Sandra to ask her to come out with him. Sandra said yes and the two went to learn how to dance the Chacha. Both had fun learning the dance moves and agreed to see eachother again. There was no kiss on this night, but the two hugged eachother before separating from eachother for the night.
The two would continue to hang out for four weeks. Around this time period, Sandra and Jake started to really like eachother, although Jake couldn't tell that Sandra was as interested in him as he was in her. Sandra could tell that Jake cared and enjoyed himself around her, but she couldn't help but feel something wasn't right. She started to overthink whether she was good enough for Jake, or whether Jake truly was interested in him. She even asked "Is he ready yet?" Sandra knew that she was ready, but was unsure about Jake.
During one sunny Saturday afternoon, Jake and Sandra went to a romantic movie. As Sandra kept leaning closer to Jake, she noticed that Jake wouldn't put his arm around her. She was undeterred by this. Jake didn't take note of this signal that Sandra wanted to be held. As the movie went on, Sandra kept wondering again if Jake was really interested in her as more than friends.
Outside afterwards, the two went for a walk and Sandra leaned in closer to Jake again only to find that Jake wouldn't reach for her hand. This was even more devastating to Sandra. She was beginning to feel insecure about where things were going between the two. As Jake walked Sandra back to her neighbourhood, they hugged again and made eye contact. Jake then said to Sandra "I will see you later." They released the hold of their hug and Jake walked away.
A couple days went by and Jake asked Sandra to hang out again for later on that night. He waited for hours while painting to find that Sandra never replied to him. Jake felt this was strange since this was unlike Sandra to ignore his text messages and phone calls. So Jake asked again around the time he planned to meet if Sandra was there. Still he got no reply. Jake started to wonder what he did wrong. "I was a gentleman, I didn't force her to do anything she wasn't comfortable with. So what is the problem?" he said to himself. He couldn't figure out what happened.
Sandra eventually replied to Jake after three days saying "Sorry, I was out of town and my phone was turned off." Jake was releived to hear from her. Jake then asked Sandra out again for the next night. "Oh, sorry Jake. I can't. I have other plans." Jake then asked about the plans to find out that Sandra was going on a date with a man she met while she was out of town. Jake felt devastated. He then asked her if she truly felt he was good enough. Her reply was "you had your chance, and you didn't take it. I'm sorry, but I also dont think things would work out either." Jake was very upset and said goodbye to Sandra.
Jake also started overthinking about whether this was a test to make him jealous as well. He dwelled on this for a couple months remembering the words. "She was the best opportunity I had for love." He kept saying to himself. He even blamed Sandra for not being straight up with him sooner. But as Jake started to learn a few subtle cues, he realized his opportunity came when Sandra was leaning closer to him. The problem here was that Jake was thinking too much about this instead of moving forward, but at least he learned something from this experience.
Eventually, Jake started to move forward. He stopped thinking about Sandra and the "what ifs" and focused on what made him happy again. He also went out with some friends one night and was enjoyhing the company without even thinking of the missed opportunity. Then he looked around the room and saw the most beautiful girl in the room. He walked over and said "hi" to her, and got her name.
The reason for this story is to illustrate the emotional problems some Aspie men might have to go through. They may not pick up on the social cues as easily as other men. What comes naturally for others, we have to learn it. Take a note here that Jake doesn't actually learn from Sandra what went wrong other than "You had your chance." What Jake does is figure out on his own what went wrong.
It also goes to show you that what i have observed myself as that most women I meet don't want to make the first move either. So of course, when any woman comes across an Aspie and notices that he simply won't make the move during the window of opportunity, she gets upset and maybe even feels rejected. I know full well that I had to communicate with people that I was never rejecting them when this happened. This never fixed the problem, and I was expected to take action rather than explain myself.
However, the window of opportunity is a real thing. I find that if I don't read the cue properly, things go wrong. If I misread the interest and try and kiss the girl when the cue isn't there, I will come across as forceful, or maybe even a creepy guy that just wants in someone's pants. However, if I miss the obvious cue when it's there as others see it, I come across as disinterested and maybe even mean depending on how this rejection looks to others. I realize that it's a very tricky thing to learn.
The only thing I can do here is to tell the woman that if she is in doubt whether the guy she likes is interested or not, ask. Same goes with the guy. If you don't want to risk friendship over it, then don't. Otherwise, if you can naturally follow the flow of things, you will both know when it's right to make the move.
There was a man named Jake. He loved going out running, walking, hiking, and he enjoyed playing soccer as well. His passion though was his painting, an art that helped him express himself. He was also a very kind man. Others didn't quite understand him, but he was fine with that. He knew he was a little different and understood and accepted himself as he was. He also realized where he could grow.
He decided to take the opportunity to go out with friends and meet some new people along the way. He enjoyed his social life for what it was and didn't turn down many invites to go hang out. His friends were happy to have him around despite his difference. His friends accepted him as he was as well. He was happy to have his friends and he managed to find a way to be approachable to others as well.
During one night out with some friends, Jake laid his eyes on the most beautiful girl in the room. He walked over and said "hi" to the girl and asked for her name. "Sandra" said the girl in reply. The two exchanged some pleasantries and engaged in a conversation. Sandra laughed at the sense of humour Jake displayed. She even listened intently as Jake spoke. Jake also got to know Sandra a little better and before the end of the night, the two exchanged phone numbers before Sandra left to go home.
A couple days went by and Jake phoned Sandra to ask her to come out with him. Sandra said yes and the two went to learn how to dance the Chacha. Both had fun learning the dance moves and agreed to see eachother again. There was no kiss on this night, but the two hugged eachother before separating from eachother for the night.
The two would continue to hang out for four weeks. Around this time period, Sandra and Jake started to really like eachother, although Jake couldn't tell that Sandra was as interested in him as he was in her. Sandra could tell that Jake cared and enjoyed himself around her, but she couldn't help but feel something wasn't right. She started to overthink whether she was good enough for Jake, or whether Jake truly was interested in him. She even asked "Is he ready yet?" Sandra knew that she was ready, but was unsure about Jake.
During one sunny Saturday afternoon, Jake and Sandra went to a romantic movie. As Sandra kept leaning closer to Jake, she noticed that Jake wouldn't put his arm around her. She was undeterred by this. Jake didn't take note of this signal that Sandra wanted to be held. As the movie went on, Sandra kept wondering again if Jake was really interested in her as more than friends.
Outside afterwards, the two went for a walk and Sandra leaned in closer to Jake again only to find that Jake wouldn't reach for her hand. This was even more devastating to Sandra. She was beginning to feel insecure about where things were going between the two. As Jake walked Sandra back to her neighbourhood, they hugged again and made eye contact. Jake then said to Sandra "I will see you later." They released the hold of their hug and Jake walked away.
A couple days went by and Jake asked Sandra to hang out again for later on that night. He waited for hours while painting to find that Sandra never replied to him. Jake felt this was strange since this was unlike Sandra to ignore his text messages and phone calls. So Jake asked again around the time he planned to meet if Sandra was there. Still he got no reply. Jake started to wonder what he did wrong. "I was a gentleman, I didn't force her to do anything she wasn't comfortable with. So what is the problem?" he said to himself. He couldn't figure out what happened.
Sandra eventually replied to Jake after three days saying "Sorry, I was out of town and my phone was turned off." Jake was releived to hear from her. Jake then asked Sandra out again for the next night. "Oh, sorry Jake. I can't. I have other plans." Jake then asked about the plans to find out that Sandra was going on a date with a man she met while she was out of town. Jake felt devastated. He then asked her if she truly felt he was good enough. Her reply was "you had your chance, and you didn't take it. I'm sorry, but I also dont think things would work out either." Jake was very upset and said goodbye to Sandra.
Jake also started overthinking about whether this was a test to make him jealous as well. He dwelled on this for a couple months remembering the words. "She was the best opportunity I had for love." He kept saying to himself. He even blamed Sandra for not being straight up with him sooner. But as Jake started to learn a few subtle cues, he realized his opportunity came when Sandra was leaning closer to him. The problem here was that Jake was thinking too much about this instead of moving forward, but at least he learned something from this experience.
Eventually, Jake started to move forward. He stopped thinking about Sandra and the "what ifs" and focused on what made him happy again. He also went out with some friends one night and was enjoyhing the company without even thinking of the missed opportunity. Then he looked around the room and saw the most beautiful girl in the room. He walked over and said "hi" to her, and got her name.
The reason for this story is to illustrate the emotional problems some Aspie men might have to go through. They may not pick up on the social cues as easily as other men. What comes naturally for others, we have to learn it. Take a note here that Jake doesn't actually learn from Sandra what went wrong other than "You had your chance." What Jake does is figure out on his own what went wrong.
It also goes to show you that what i have observed myself as that most women I meet don't want to make the first move either. So of course, when any woman comes across an Aspie and notices that he simply won't make the move during the window of opportunity, she gets upset and maybe even feels rejected. I know full well that I had to communicate with people that I was never rejecting them when this happened. This never fixed the problem, and I was expected to take action rather than explain myself.
However, the window of opportunity is a real thing. I find that if I don't read the cue properly, things go wrong. If I misread the interest and try and kiss the girl when the cue isn't there, I will come across as forceful, or maybe even a creepy guy that just wants in someone's pants. However, if I miss the obvious cue when it's there as others see it, I come across as disinterested and maybe even mean depending on how this rejection looks to others. I realize that it's a very tricky thing to learn.
The only thing I can do here is to tell the woman that if she is in doubt whether the guy she likes is interested or not, ask. Same goes with the guy. If you don't want to risk friendship over it, then don't. Otherwise, if you can naturally follow the flow of things, you will both know when it's right to make the move.
Sunday, 29 September 2013
Self-Defeat Part 3: Indecision.
You need to make a very important decision in your life. You have to decide which job to take, which city to move to, which girl you want to be with. Life can throw you a lot of opportunities and you have to make the best choice. So what happens if you're incapable of making the decision? Either someone else makes it for you, or you don't make the decision at all. This often leads to self-defeat since you couldn't allow yourself to succeed in making the most responsible decisions for yourself.
I have seen it within myself the most. I have also seen it within others in my life. Making decisions should be about yourself since you are in control of yourself more than you are other people. Others often make decisions that are in their best interest. Good people don't want to make choices for indecisive people themselves. That in a way is too much power and responsibility. This can also often lead to being incapable of making decisions for yourself since you were too focused on others. There are plenty of people out there that will take advantage of such generosity and won't hesitate in doing so.
Of course, noone likes indecisive people at their whole. The indecisive people are often those who can't take a stand and will fall for anything. Indecisive people often allow others to take advantage of them. So what exactly does this do for you? Hopefully you have to learn your lesson that making a smart rational decision will show people that you stand for something. Being indecisive often shows others that you can't make a stand. Maybe you can't even stand up for yourself and what you believe to be right.
With that being said, no employer is going to wait on you for you to make up your mind. No family member is going to do that as well. None of your friends or girlfriends, or special people in your life will ever wait on you to make a decision. If you want to give in to self-defeat by not being able to make a responsible decision for yourself, feel free to do so. You will find that life for others will go on without you.
I have seen it within myself the most. I have also seen it within others in my life. Making decisions should be about yourself since you are in control of yourself more than you are other people. Others often make decisions that are in their best interest. Good people don't want to make choices for indecisive people themselves. That in a way is too much power and responsibility. This can also often lead to being incapable of making decisions for yourself since you were too focused on others. There are plenty of people out there that will take advantage of such generosity and won't hesitate in doing so.
Of course, noone likes indecisive people at their whole. The indecisive people are often those who can't take a stand and will fall for anything. Indecisive people often allow others to take advantage of them. So what exactly does this do for you? Hopefully you have to learn your lesson that making a smart rational decision will show people that you stand for something. Being indecisive often shows others that you can't make a stand. Maybe you can't even stand up for yourself and what you believe to be right.
With that being said, no employer is going to wait on you for you to make up your mind. No family member is going to do that as well. None of your friends or girlfriends, or special people in your life will ever wait on you to make a decision. If you want to give in to self-defeat by not being able to make a responsible decision for yourself, feel free to do so. You will find that life for others will go on without you.
Friday, 27 September 2013
Self Defeat part 2: Just quit while you're ahead.
I did say that sensory issues or meltdowns would be the focus of this entry. Well, it may or may not be. It only depends on your actions during a certain scenario.
There comes the moments in life where you have to make a really tough decision about what to do with a loved one, or a friend or a special relationship with a girlfriend/boyfriend. Everyone strives to end things on good terms with eachother and without hard feelings. Sometimes it doesn't work that way. This of course leads to some anger issues and some irresponsible decisions being made based off the emotions we felt around being told "I think it's time we part and go different ways." Trust me, I have been there and I know I have made some horrible decisions because I didn't want to move on when the other did. The truth is I should have just stopped and just quit while I was ahead. Either I or the other person made the decision. It should be a decision that we stick with.
When you have come to a rational decision about moving on, sometimes the other person will do whatever they can to convince you to change your mind. It happens. What also happens is we might have a feeling of empathy in that moment and realize that it's possible we were being too hard on that person when we wanted to move on and we give another chance as well. This can pay off quite well and a great friendship/relationship can be restored and grow.
On the other hand, there was a reason you needed to leave that person behind. Let's just say you know you needed to move on because it wasn't beneficial for one of you or both to continue such a friendship. You have made that decision for the greater good and you need to let it go now and move on. Someone could say some hurtful things to you and you might be hurt by it. This is where you need to stop. There is no need to go back, and there is no need to say anything hurtful right back. If you do go back or say something nasty in return, the other person usually knows that they have you in the palm of their hands. They can make you do what they want you to do. Do you really want this kind of person in your life after all?
In my experience, if you have a friendship that isn't going to be of any benefit to you, or the other, or for the both of you for that matter, it might be time speak up. If things work out, then good. If they don't, just walk away without the hard feelings. Once the hard feelings come into play, you have signalled to the other person that you have lost control. Now they know not come back to you when they need a friend because they know that you will be bothered by them.
Making rational decisions about your friendships is the smart thing to do. In your rational thinking, you can observe what the cost of being involved with another person is, and whether the cost is worth it. Emotional decisions will bother the other person greatly. This is the reason why you should quit while your ahead.
Part 3 will be about indecision.
There comes the moments in life where you have to make a really tough decision about what to do with a loved one, or a friend or a special relationship with a girlfriend/boyfriend. Everyone strives to end things on good terms with eachother and without hard feelings. Sometimes it doesn't work that way. This of course leads to some anger issues and some irresponsible decisions being made based off the emotions we felt around being told "I think it's time we part and go different ways." Trust me, I have been there and I know I have made some horrible decisions because I didn't want to move on when the other did. The truth is I should have just stopped and just quit while I was ahead. Either I or the other person made the decision. It should be a decision that we stick with.
When you have come to a rational decision about moving on, sometimes the other person will do whatever they can to convince you to change your mind. It happens. What also happens is we might have a feeling of empathy in that moment and realize that it's possible we were being too hard on that person when we wanted to move on and we give another chance as well. This can pay off quite well and a great friendship/relationship can be restored and grow.
On the other hand, there was a reason you needed to leave that person behind. Let's just say you know you needed to move on because it wasn't beneficial for one of you or both to continue such a friendship. You have made that decision for the greater good and you need to let it go now and move on. Someone could say some hurtful things to you and you might be hurt by it. This is where you need to stop. There is no need to go back, and there is no need to say anything hurtful right back. If you do go back or say something nasty in return, the other person usually knows that they have you in the palm of their hands. They can make you do what they want you to do. Do you really want this kind of person in your life after all?
In my experience, if you have a friendship that isn't going to be of any benefit to you, or the other, or for the both of you for that matter, it might be time speak up. If things work out, then good. If they don't, just walk away without the hard feelings. Once the hard feelings come into play, you have signalled to the other person that you have lost control. Now they know not come back to you when they need a friend because they know that you will be bothered by them.
Making rational decisions about your friendships is the smart thing to do. In your rational thinking, you can observe what the cost of being involved with another person is, and whether the cost is worth it. Emotional decisions will bother the other person greatly. This is the reason why you should quit while your ahead.
Part 3 will be about indecision.
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