My Toronto Blue Jays all-time roster.

Compared to what I normally write on my blog (and when I do get around to writing), I usually write something closer to the heart.  This post, I decided I would rather have some more fun with the writing.  I grew up a big baseball fan and loved the Toronto Blue Jays.  Mind you, some of the players I put on this list played before I was born.  But I thought if I could name my all-time roster, I will.

The conditions are simple: The players must have had an impact regardless of how long they have played with the Blue Jays, and we must have no more than four reserves for the outfield and infield positions.  Only one backup DH and catcher.  The starting rotation will consist of 6 pitchers and a starter could end up being named as a long relief pitcher if he didn't make the starting rotation cut on my list.  Here is the list:

Starting Catcher- Pat Borders- This was a bit of a close call over Russel Martin, but Pat Borders played more years with the Blue Jays and at a younger age compared to when Russel Martin joined the Blue Jays as veteran.  Pat Borders had a good arm behind the plate to throw out potential base stealers and his crowning achievement was being on the two world Series teams and being named the 92 World Series MVP.

Backup Catcher- Russel Martin- He can be referred to as the man that helped end the longest playoff droughts in the last 25 years in Major League Baseball.  He helped Pittsburgh end it's 22 year  playoff drought in 2013.  His batting average has dropped over the last couple years and he came to the Blue Jays late in his career and his career at this point looks to be over in the next couple years.

Staring infield-

1st Base- Carlos Delgado- The Blue Jays had no shortage of great first baseman.  John Olerud and Edwin Encarnacion come to mind as great Blue Jays first basemen.  But Carlos Delgado had to take this one due to his combined power and batting average as well as patience at the plate.  While not as good a fielder as Olerud was, he was a solid everyday starter at first base.  Is the only Blue Jay player to hit 4 home runs in a game.  

2nd Baseman- Roberto Alomar- Five years, five gold gloves, five all-star appearances.  Had tremendous speed, hit well for average and had possibly the best fielding range of any second baseman during his era.  His best moments include a game tying home run off Dennis Eckersley in the 1992 ALCS game 4, and an amazing diving catch in Game 1 of the 93 World Series to rob Lenny Dykstra (would be MVP if the Phillies won) of a sure base hit.

3rd Basemen- Josh Donaldson- I don't think I have seen any other Blue Jays player outside of Joe Carter to help reinvigorate a franchise quite like Josh Donaldson has.  His first two years as a Blue Jay resulted in winning Season MVP honours over Mike Trout and 2 straight ALCS appearances.  Was the catalyst of a potent Blue Jays offense and is a 30 home run- 100 RBI threat every year he has played in Toronto.  It doesn't stop there as Donaldson comes up with a clutch play to help the Blue Jays win like he did in game 3 of the ALDS against Texas.  

Shortstop- Tony Fernandez- Was an excellent defender on the field and helped the Blue Jays to the 93 World series.  Also had good batting average for the Blue Jays and was capable of swiping a bag or two here or there.  But it will always be his defensive range that I will remember him for. Not many ground balls could escape the infield between 2nd and 3rd when Tony Fernandez was at Shortstop.

Backup Infielders- John Olerud, Orlando Hudson, Troy Tulowitzki , Kelly Gruber

John Olerud was the only Blue Jay to win a batting title in 93 and had good fielding range and won 2 World Series.  Orlando Hudson was the second best Second basemen the Blue Jays had and won one Gold Glove for his defense.  Troy Tulowitzki was a key upgrade over Jose Reyes at shortstop and helped the Blue Jays to the playoffs when he came in 2015.  Kelly Gruber is a sentimental favourite of mine and played well for the Blue Jays for a few seasons at third.

Honorable Mention- Ryan Goins, Fred McGriff, Aaron Hill.

Starting Outfield

Right Field- Jose Bautista- This was an easier choice and the Blue Jays had some honorable mentions in the outfield to.  And no, despite the fact that he played a few years in Right field, Joe Carter has been listed as a Left Fielder (more on him in a bit).  Bautista was a consistent 30 home run and 100 RBI threat and had one of the best throwing arms in the outfield.  His fielding was decent and his crowning moment was the home run and bat flip in the 2015 ALDS against the Texas Rangers.

Centre Fielder- Devon White- 5 Gold gloves, 2 World Series and one all star appearance as a Blue Jay.  Was usually lead off hitter with good batting average and capable of hitting 15 home runs and 60 plus RBIs and scoring runs, and with his speed was a consistent base stealing threat.  Usually didn't see him dive or slide for pop flies as he able to snag a pop fly on his feet with ease.  His batting average in the playoffs during his stay with the Blue Jays was .336 which was better than his regular season average.  Devon was key contributor in the post season.

Left Fielder- Joe Carter- He just had to be in the starting outfield.  I recall him playing Right Field more often than Left, but I had to make sure he was in the starting rotation with Bautista on my list.  Joe was Mr. Clutch for the Blue Jays as no other player I could think of came up with the Big plays more than Joltin Joe did.  Was the first Blue Jay player to hit a home run in the World Series (and RBI) was the first to hit a home run on Canadian Soil in the World Series (and first RBI) and was involved in the final play of both of the Blue Jays world Series wins.  The most notable play was the 93 World Series walk off home run.

Reserve Outfielders- George Bell, Vernon Wells, Shawn Green, Jesse Barfield

George Bell and Jesse Barfield were before my time, and they played in what was considered a very strong outfield with Lloyd Moseby during the 1980s.  George Bell won the 1987 regular season MVP.  Vernon Wells was a consistent pick to win a Gold Glove when he was the Blue Jays centre fielder, but may have been overpaid late in his tenure and was then traded.  Shawn Green was slowly becoming a consistent 30 home run 30 stolen base threat when he left in free agency in 1999.

Honorable Mentions- Lloyd Moseby, Kevin Pillar, Raul Mondesi, Shannon Stewart

Designated Hitter- Edwin Enarnacion- Played first base, but was more well known as a DH.  Was probably the best run producer the Blue Jays had in the 2010s and this is with a team that consists of Josh Donaldson and Jose Bautista.  Consistently a threat for 40 home runs and 100 or more RBIs.  The home run in the 2016 AL Wild Card game was arguably his greatest moment.

Reserve DH- Paul Molitor- Consistent with the bat, had a 22 home run and 22 stolen base season in 1993 with a 200 plus hit season and a .326 batting average (2nd that season to Olerud in the American League).  Played even better in the post season with a World Series MVP to his credit.

Honorable Mention- Dave Winfield

Starting Pitching- 

1. Roy Halladay- RIP Doc.  You are the opening day starter in my opinion even over Roger Clemens due to the fact that Clemens only played two seasons to Roy's 11.  Consistent threat for a Cy Young award and was usually among the leaders for Innings pitched each year.  Just missed out on pitching no hitters until he was traded to Philly where he pitched a perfect game in just his second month there.

2. Roger Clemens- In two seasons in Toronto, Roger Clemens won the pitching triple crown (lead league in wins, ERA, and strike outs) both years and the AL Cy Young award for best pitcher.  His two years lead to a career renaissance of sorts.  But unhappy with the lack of success with the team, he asked for a trade after the second season of a 4 year deal he signed.  

3. Dave Steib- Was a model of consistency for the Blue Jays pitching during the 1980s.  Only one pitcher won more games than he did in the 1980s and that would be Jack Morris (also a Blue Jay in 92-93, but not on this list).  Pitched the only Blue Jays no hitter, and was able to finish games he started win or lose.

4. Jimmy Key- The only left hander in this rotation.  Would average 14 wins a season and would eat up more than 200 innings consistently as well.  Could be relied on for a solid start when he pitched.

5. Pat Hentgen- The only Cy Young award winner outside of Halladay and Clemens.  His best years in the 90s saw him consistently pitch 200 innings or more, and pitch 19 wins or more seasons at least twice.  Was an innings eater, but his ERA could have been better which is why he ends up in the 5th spot.

6th (spot starts)- Marcus Stroman- The only current starting pitcher I can put on this list.  I don't think anyone has the desire to compete and win like Stroman does.  His size has me wondering if he can be consistent for as long as some of the other pitchers on this list were.  

Honorable Mentions- Juan Guzman, Aaron Sanchez, Todd Stottlemyre, David Wells.

Relief Pitching-

Long relief- David Wells- Was more well known as a starter, but also pitched relief during the first World Series run thanks to the signing of Jack Morris and sudden emergence of Juan Guzman.  Was one of the four pitchers to win 20 games for the Blue Jays in a season which is why I picked him for long relief.

Middle Relief- Brett Cecil and Paul Quantrill- I think the Blue Jays missed Cecil a little during the 2017 season as they hadn't a better left handed relief pitcher over the last few years.  Paul Quantrill was consistent during his stay with the Blue Jays to eat up some of the middle relief innings.  Outside of Guzman and Hentgen, the starting pitching in Toronto was horrid in 1996 and it reflected on Quantrill's numbers negatively.  His numbers after were much better and he wasn't used as much as a spot starter and was transferred to the bullpen where he pitched well.

7th inning- Roberto Osuna and Mike Timlin- Maybe down the road, Osuna will be known as the best closer in Blue Jays history.  But now it is too soon to tell.  He is able to strike out batters consistently and when he gets on a roll, he can't be hit.  However, he is streaky and sometimes can blow a few save opportunities in a row.  Mike Timlin was better after he left Toronto and won two more World Series in Boston.  He was a good relief pitcher in Toronto and that can't be taken away from him.

Setup man- Duane Ward- Any fan of the late 80s and early 90s Blue Jays can see where I am going with the Closer spot.  Duane Ward closed out many games during that time period and was excellent strike out pitcher.  He took the closing spot for good in 1993 after the following man left for Texas.

Closer- Tom Henke- The Terminator was his nickname as he was able to finish out games consistently without blowing an opportunity.  However, he was known to get off to a slow start each season which is why Duane Ward was often the closer early in the season during his stay.

Honorable Mentions- Casey Janssen, Mark Eichorn.

Are you fiercely determined to accomplish your goals?

This was just coming to my mind recently and throughout the last four months.  I got married back in July and my brother was the Master of Ceremonies at the wedding.  He said some things about me at the reception during his speech that had me thinking of the past.  For example, I told him back in 2014 that I had stopped smoking (this time for good as I still haven't touched a cigarette since).  During his comments, he joked about how he asked me "So who is the girl?"  After the joke, he commented about my fierce determination and focus that I had.  It appeared that once my mind was set on something, I would likely accomplish my goals.  I stopped smoking because I set out to do so one way or another.  It took 2 long years to do it, but it finally happened.  Of course, like my brother mentioned, it happened after I met my wife.

But I also had to look back 10 years ago even.  I remember being overweight and close to 260 lbs and not really fit and no exercising at all.  I recall being close to 300 lbs at one point after I left high school.  But something lit a spark for me around 2008.  A new job at a pizza place, and in my last semester of the first program, I started to work out at the gym.  I also did some running and watched as I progressed further and further with my running as the months and years came along.  I remember being able to run 5 miles (after I stopped smoking for the first time) by 2012.  Of course, the setback came after I started smoking again.  No way in hell was I able to accomplish 5 miles again after that.
Weightlifting and training was awesome as well.  I remember eventually being able to squat about 270 lbs and deadlift at least 300 lbs by 2011-2012 as well.

The reason for all of this was the determination of course.  Within the first year of this training, I changed my eating habits drastically as well and managed to cut my weight down to as low as 175 lbs.  This is something my brother did bring up during the wedding as well as when he mentioned the fierce determination.  However, it was clear that I needed to put on muscle.  That was where the weight training came in.  I regularly weighed between 180-185 after with some solid muscle mass.  I remember enjoying the body I had back in 2009-2012.  My body didn't always look the same, nor did I have any six pack abs, but my motivation to succeed came from there.

Shortly around May of 2012, and now having lived away from home for two years, something happened.  It is almost like I realized that being an adult kind of sucked.  You can look at my blog entries from that time period as I spent a lot of time writing in 2012-2013.  When I met my wife, I stopped writing.  I do remember being a little obsessed with finding a girlfriend at the time and I had a couple meltdowns because the types I was meeting just weren't working out too well.  I recall beating myself up over these things too.  But what I do remember bothering me the most at the time was the fact that I had few friends to hang out with and I knew I needed to meet some people.  So I believe around this time, I switched my focus from exercising and working out to working on my social skills and going to meetup events through meetup.com.  I ended up making friends there, some of which have come and gone and others who are still around as friends.  I also met a few ladies, one of which became my wife

After a couple years away from the gym, and periodically going out for runs outside here and there, I decided to get back into weight training.  I do remember things getting tough as I was always getting sick or hurt as well.  Eventally, the illnesses were determined to be allergies and sinuses, which meant I had to find a way to work around this.  However, I remember some back, leg and foot injuries occurred which did discourage me a little bit from trying certain exercises.  Eventually, I started seeing a physio to help correct some bad posture and form when doing exercises.  I got back into proper running and and starting to see things lift off again.  Albeit, right now, I weigh between 220-230 lbs.  Being older and eating some of the same foods don't work out to well when it comes to weight loss, so of course I am little bit overweight.  But I am noticing a lot of improvements with the running and the weightlifting, so I simply don't care as much about the weight.  I just have to avoid certain foods if I want to take my weight more seriously.

It was recently I started thinking about what my brother said a lot more, especially now that I am up to running 3 miles again after about 3 months of working at it.  I asked myself, "what the hell happened in the last few years, and why was my motivation missing?"  I was beginning to wonder why I struggled with trying to meet goals and missing so much work.  Why couldn't I focus on getting better and making my days more enjoyable?   Where was my energy?  Well, it's like the age old saying goes: you got to use energy to create energy.  My motivation was gone because I had little energy, and I wasn't using what little energy I had to create more of it.  I also asked why I wasn't doing more writing and why I wasn't motivated to do more of that.  But hopefully, I can sort that out soon and should write blogs regardless of what is on my mind.  Hopefully the more I write, the better my writing becomes.

Does my employer like me or not (Part 2).

Again, I will reiterate from my last post four months ago that I don't speak on behalf of my employer.  I will not be naming my employer as well.  

Over the course of the summer, I have found my attendance improved from the last year.  My absenteeism rate was cut by half.  No meetings had been scheduled with me to discuss my issues.  I also got married in the summer and also put in lots of overtime at work before my wedding, and some more hours after my wedding.  However, some things I have noticed, or never thought about before have come to my attention.  First of all, this could be simple paranoia as well.  After all, i am a diagnosed Aspie and I have had bouts of anxiety in the past that lead to some pretty severe meltdowns.  I don't feel anxious about anything at all currently.  I just feel that from my experience that I have seen my employer try and come at me and my fellow employees too many times.  It seems as if the employer wants to see what he can get away with, and which employees are the easy targets.

 
1. Social media policy-  This one is a new one and cannot be proven.  It might be my imagination running around a little.  I happened to notice that someone at work has harmlessly posted a sheet for fellow coworkers to post their PS4 or Xbox login ids for clan games on the new Call of Duty game coming out in a couple weeks.  It looks like it could be a lot of fun.  But I will choose not to participate because I can kind of see where this can go.  For me personally, I choose not to appear online when I happen to be at home sick, or off that day due to an injury and have to miss work.  I also choose to not play a video game during work hours as well.

I have learned from the PS4 features that just because you appear offline doesn't mean that your friends can't see you online if they are playing the same game as them.  The game servers don't have an "appear offline" option.  So with that being said, playing a game online is done at your own risk.  But where does the social media policy come from?  Well, if my fellow employees decide to identify where they work and they behave badly on a video game server, what is to stop them from being reported to my employer?  I mean, could we rule out being fired for saying something stupid/racist/homophobic on a video game chat?  I have no doubt in my mind that this could happen.  Not saying anyone I work with will do it, but I certainly don't want to be involved if this somehow ever happens.

2. Outside of work activities-
a. I know I loosely covered this on my last entry.  But something actually did happen to me at the gym that forced me to miss three days of work.  I dropped 45 lbs of weight on my foot and had to miss work because of it.  I couldn't walk properly for a few days and this happened around a holiday weekend to boot.  I didn't return to work until the second day after the holiday and I was on 6 hour days for that week rather than 8 hours.  I also chose not to go to the gym after the 6 hours since my doctor had given documentation saying I couldn't work beyond 6 hours.  That implied that I could only be on my feet for 6 hours.  So why go to the gym?  I figure it would have been a one in one million chance of being caught, but I have a saying as well: Don't be that one in a million that gets caught doing something they shouldn't be doing.

Anyway, it turns out my employer hasn't approached me on this issue yet.  But there was something I had said to one employee right before leaving work the day I got injured.  About 45 minutes later, I get hurt.  Another employee happened to be at the gym watching me report the injury.  This meant that I would have to be honest with my employer.  However, I came back to work to hear that my coworkers were accusing me (behind my back) that I was faking the injury and wanted an extra long weekend.  Could my employer take stock into what my employees say about me?  Yes, he could, but it could be considered harassment too and I would have to prove it to be harassment.  What would my employer say about this incident?

b. To follow this trend, our employers have also encouraged us to share our personal activities at work.  Knowing that I have been picked on by some fellow employees and managers for outside activities due to some injuries in the past and also considering that attendance issues have been discussed before, I elected not to participate.  I prefer to keep my personal outside of work activities private rather than divulge too much information at work.  Sure, exercise actually helps balance my mood and strengthens my weak areas, but I don't expect my employer to care about that if he believes that it is impacting my ability to show up to work.

In conclusion, I have determined over the course of the summer that I have to be careful what kind of information I divulge with my employer at work.  The reason why is because of some past injuries and missed time due to said injuries.  The more he knows, the more he can use against me.  Of course, the less your fellow employees know, the less they can go to your employer with as well.  Ultimately, I have also learned that my fellow employees might even be worse than my employer because employees can never keep their mouth shut.  So, it is clear to me that I must keep some secrets to myself.

Does my boss dislke me and want me gone?

I should note that I do not speak on behalf of my employer.  I will not name my employer either as I am bound to a Business code of conduct and cannot speak directly to what is going on in my company. The below is an opinion of mine based on personal experience and isn't what the company states to be true.

This is an age old question.  Perhaps I am writing this right now because I can truthfully say that I have asked this question to myself many times in the last three years.  There is a lot of sufficient evidence to suggest this.  I work in a unionized environment and the job I do is physically laborious.  So I am more prone to workplace injuries to my back, legs and other areas of my body that are required for lifting.  The worse I am finding is that my back pain is more in line to how strong my hip flexors and hip muscles are (perhaps a different topic for next week).  However, as I mentioned I work in a unionized environment and I have maxed out on my pay as well.  I am not getting anymore merit raises anytime soon.

The reasons why some might ask why their employer dislikes them could be for the following reasons.  I know I have seen some examples of these in the workplace.

1. Getting hurt either at work or outside work.- My employer likes to act like an insurance agent in these scenarios from what I see.  They like to ask so many questions as to where the injury was, how it happened and even like to ask what you like to do with your personal time.  From what I have experience in a physical labour job, answering the question about what kind of exercises you do on your personal time will get you into trouble.  No reasonable employer will ask you to not work out or exercise at the gym because they are "worried it would impact your ability to go to work."  The only exception to that might be if you are doing extreme types of training (MMA or Olympic training for example). 

But when your employer has the nerve to ask you while you are on a modified duties program at work, ""How much weight can you bench press Mike?" Take heed.  Your employer is very likely going to use this information to limit liability and possibly influence any insurance payment you might get down the road.  My answer to this question was "I don't worry about the numbers.  I worry about optimizing my muscles."  Which is truth.  I wouldn't recommend worrying about the numbers at the gym.  Worry about activating your muscles properly and making sure they get worked out and get stronger.  Worry about doing the exercises safely.  However, if you are recommended by a doctor or other medical practitioner to limit your weightlifting at work, I would recommend applying this to your workout exercises as well (ie. don't lift more than 50 lbs at the gym if you are told not to lift more than that at work).  I don't know for sure how easy it is for such information to come back to haunt you, but with technology and social media being what it is today, I wouldn't take the chance.

2.  Missed time/absenteeism- In connection with number one, you will have to be careful about missed days.  My employer hates this with a passion it seems.  So much so, that even injuries that are beyond your control appear to be pet peeves of his.  I have seen instances in many jobs I worked in which urgent care matters (ie. PA day at school for your kid, but babysitter calls in sick leaving you stranded to make a last minute decision for your child's safety) have been held against an employee.  Ultimately, the employee has chosen to leave the company in situations which they know arguing will be too costly, or they know the employer just won't listen to reason.  I will not speculate on why the employer chooses to do this, but I do know that many employers want to pay less and less to employees these days if they can get away with it. 

I like to believe most employers will be reasonable about absenteeism.  I like to believe that they will acknowledge doctor notes and special emergency circumstances.  However, if a pattern develops, they will likely start disliking you for the pattern of absences you have shown them.  They will especially dislike you if you work in a union environment and there is little they can do about your patterns.  I find in these situations, you can expect to receive letters of counsel or discipline that will go on your file.  The reason behind this is when you eventually choose to file a grievance against your employer, they can argue your patterns of absenteeism, that you don't take discipline well or that you simply have an attitude problem.  The letters are going to be on your file, and you can expect them to use these against you under these circumstances.

3. What is and isn't on your employee file- Sometimes an employer has to correct his wrongdoings, and sometimes you have to hand documentation in that will help protect you in your employment.  Most reasonable employers will not mess with the information that is on your file.  But I do find that in some places I have worked, and depending on who you are, the employer may act like you have never given them certain information before even though you know you have.  In these circumstances, you need to protect yourself and always have copies of documents you provide them for your own records.  This is where you make sure someone from HR themselves (whether they are on your side or not doesn't matter), receives a copy and stamps a date and time received on your copy of any documents provided.  I can assure you they will make sure there is multiple copies of any documents they give you.

In the situation in which you have a grievance hearing and you win and letters are to be taken off your file or re-written, it will be your duty to follow up with HR and look at your file.  You will want to do this to make sure that the management team and HR actually comply with the grievance award as the management team may want to see what they can get away with and push again.  I have had a letter before in which I was accused of making a false statement in a meeting when minutes recorded from that meeting showed that I never actually made such a statement they accused me of making.  They refused to change the letter and I had to push forward with a grievance.  They ultimately changed the wording of the letter.  A meeting on a similar issue proved to me that they kept the updated letter on their file.  

4. Exclusion from certain activities. This tends to happen when an employee challenges the employer on a health and safety issue, or a policy issue at work.  Whether the employee does it privately (possible grievance procedure plays out here), or publicly at a staff meeting (happens when private matters go nowhere or keep stalling), the employer will let it be known to you that he didn't appreciate you challenging him.  What I have seen, the employer will be pretty subtle in letting you know.

I challenged the employer on a health and safety issue after I got hurt and ended up missing time because of this injury.  Because this injury happened outside of work, I had meetings about the issue.  I also found a little while later that the employer was also challenged by someone else on the same health and safety issue.  Eventually an ergonomic assessment was done on the issue me and the other employee had.  But what we found is that the employer excluded us from participating in this assessment.  It gave us the opinion that our manager didn't want us to "hurt" the report they expected back from the assessor.  These things can and will happen if management will want to run a business a certain way regardless of safety issues.

5. Denying leave for no reason or because they can- You can google the question "Can my employer deny me time off for my own wedding?" and you might be surprised with that result. The answer to that question in my province is "yes, they can."  Whether you like it or not, the employers have that much say in either approving or denying leave.  Now I have never seen an employer deny leave for that reason in my work experience.  I think doing so would be a sign of bad faith.  However, I am also finding out based on the patterns of absenteeism rule that they can ask for documentation regardless of how insensitive that sounds.  Failure to provide a document would likely result in disciplinary action at it's most extreme punishment.  However, the most likely thing to happen would be that you don't get paid vacation (if your company gives you credits) for that day in question.  My fellow employees would definitely file a grievance based on that decision by management if it ever happens.

I also find that vacation leave is hard for my employer to cancel on an employee once it is approved as well.  They can, however, (to the best of my knowledge) cancel planned emergency leaves at the last minute as I have seen them do it at least twice in the last couple years.  Planned emergency leaves usually require the employee to leave for medical visits with a doctor or dentist.  This of course though will put a strain on the employees wallet as he or she will likely have to pay the cancellation fee.  In my workplace, some employees might choose to grieve such a decision if management refuses to reimburse the cancellation fee.

---

These are just one of many things that employer does when he doesn't like a certain employee based on experience.  Not all of them will be accurate based on your experience.  But I know what I have seen with others in my work experience and what my employers have done to others.  None of which I have stated was the worst thing I have ever seen.  If anyone here reading this has a story that they want to share, feel free to so in the comments.  I would advise to refrain from telling a story that could get them in trouble with their business's code of conduct or conflict of interest policies.

What's Wrong with me and dating? Or is it them?

Headnote: Keep in mind, I have not posted or written on this blog in three years.  What I write may not be as lucid or clear like some of the writing I have previously done.

I remember in my early to mid twenties how strange and difficult dating could be.  My hormones raged and I remember really wanting sex.  A person with Aspergers wanting to get laid?  Apparently a very scary thought from what we have observed in the past in circumstances like the Elliot Roger incident 3 years back.  Except, was that man really an Aspie?  Or just suspected?  I don't recall any official report saying he was. 

I am about to get married in the next couple months, so maybe I am a little out of touch with singles looking to mingle.  I may not be 100% certain of what struggles they are going through now in their attempts to find a date and not be lonely every night of the week.  But I remember being there and I remember the struggle was real.  I remember feeling like crap and wondering what I did wrong on many occasions.  I also remember the overthinking of every little aspect of my dating life.  You keep asking all of these little questions like "Was that the right time to text her?  Did I write too much?  Did I write too little?  Should I call her back immediately?"   Yeah, all that stuff.  Overthinking when I should call or text someone to ask them out.  All this because of previous experience of people getting mad at me for whatever reason.  Perhaps we forget that people get mad, but not necessarily at us.  But since we were there at the time they needed to vent, we assume they were mad at us.

Ok, maybe the person really wasn't mad at you to begin with.  I get that.  People are allowed to be frustrated and angry and vent.  Something we tend to forget is people are allowed to express these feelings and need someone to talk to.  We let people vent provided they control their temper as well, or otherwise we wouldn't listen.  Sometimes though, these people we were dating didn't want to hear you vent.  But if you lack the self-esteem like most Aspies did in their dating life, you always think it is you and not them.  This is a very depressing road to go down.  You overthink your every action and lose the self confidence.  You overthink every word and suddenly become afraid to talk to women.

Any self respecting individual will know when the other person is full of it and when they aren't.  I know from an Aspie male's experience (remember I frequented Wrongplanet.net and me and other men were very much alike), that we tend to take the blame for everything that goes wrong in a potential relationship.  It makes us doormats to be short and others see this.  No self respecting woman will date us.  Opportunists on the other hand will see a chance to take something from us and take it and do whatever they want with us.  Those people eventually disappear as well. 

Part of the problem with overthinking is that we tend to forget who we are and become something we aren't.  You start asking for advice from others, like on wrongplanet or pof for example.  However, the problem with opinions on the internet is that too many opinions are thrown at you.  You also start thinking that being who you are isn't working and you become something you aren't.  This is a also a dangerous trap that leads some Aspies into PUA articles and websites.  

But the thought has to occur at some point that maybe it isn't all on us.  It takes time and some reflection to gain the self confidence to realize that it isn't always us.  In some scenarios, it really should have only taken a no response from someone, or rude behaviour from someone else to realize that it may not have been me.  Sure, I can reflect and look at a situation and say to myself "I could have done better here."  However, I should still be able to walk away with no regrets.  No regret because I knew I did my best and I was myself the whole time.  If I lost my temper, or said something rude myself, I remember that I need to improve there.  But I shouldn't hate myself for it.

Lessons to reflect on

As I read through the forums and through online articles, I notice that there are a lot of interesting comments.  I, just like everyone else, has an opinion to share.  But I have observed the following things in my life and realize the importance behind each lesson I have learned.

1. Be thankful for each day: God has opened my eyes to some things and I am thankful for every day that passes now and every day that I have.  Each day brings something to me that I can share with others.
2. It doesn't matter who has it easier: I always see people argue about who has it easier in life than others.  Sometimes we believe that others aren't getting what they deserve and neither are we.  Why focus on others and how easy we think they have it in life?  The majority of the time, we end up finding out that they don't actually have it that easy at all.
3. Learn what forgiveness is: Ultimately, to keep loving friends and family in your life, you have to be able to learn how to forgive these people for their trespasses against you.  It also doesn't hurt to forgive those who have left your life either.  In fact, forgiving all those from your past for any wrongdoing is far more healthy than holding a grudge, and is also more pleasing to my Lord and Saviour.
4. Noone is ever truly looking for romance: Many people look for romantic relationships, but end up finding them for the wrong reasons.  Many friendships also develop and love is also developed between friends.  Romance happens for a reason and it can't really be forced or manipulated.  For those who do force romance, observe how happy these people truly are and you may be in for a surprise.
5. To guys with romantic girlfriends: The reasons you like your girlfriend will more often than not be the same reasons other guys like your girlfriend.  Some will try and convince your girlfriend to dump you and be with them instead (even if for one thing only).  The clever ones will know not to overstep her boundaries, but will often attempt to overstep yours in attempts to make you react in a manner that will scare your girl away from you.  Smart guys will be supportive and leave it alone and move on to the next one.
6. To girls with romantic boyfriends: There will be other girls that like your boyfriend for the same reasons you do.  However, it should be easy to spot people who will support your relationships and your decisions.  There will be friends in your life that simply don't like your choice of boyfriends, so the choice will be up to you what to do when they speak up.
7.  Misery truly does love company: Nothing can be truer for when you open up about what is bothering you.  Your loved ones and good friends will support you when you are feeling down and will be happy to see you come back up again after a rough period in your life.  Most other people would like to keep you down to boost their own egos.
8. Don't try to fool yourself: and don't try to fool God either.  God always knows when you are trying to fool him and it will eat away at you if you even try.  Be honest with yourself and God and open up all your thoughts and feelings to god and repent when you need to.  This is the most important step to understanding forgiveness.

Cheating and Forgiveness Among Men and Women.

We find that many people can forgive and forget, and others can't. I have noticed that relationships need a lot of forgiveness and love in order to succeed.  Love and forgiveness often brings joy and peace to the people in your life.  So what happens when someone does something that hurts you?
I have three options:

1. My first option would be to pray to God and look in the direction that I am guided to afterwards.
2. Brood on what I am told and speak about it with people that aren't involved so that they can tell me what to do.
3. Self-destruct and do something I absolutely should not do (Drink myself to drunkenness while I'm upset as an example).

That last option is by far the worst option in my honest opinion.  The second option could lead you either way as what you hear can be either good advice or bad advice.  But if you are looking for a good opinion on that matter, I find the more I talk about my worries, the more negative I get.  Prayer as i am finding it is the best option.  However, remember that the problem you are having needs to be sorted out with anyone that might be involved.  How you handle your side of the problem will determine the response you get from others as well.


Cheating and Forgiveness

I will try to avoid generalizing as much as possible and try to avoid being sexist.  I just want to say that in my experience, I have met these types of people.  Secondly, in the wake of the Elliot Rodger incident, I don't in any way think this is misogynistic at all.  I do believe to a degree that too many people are jumping on the #yesallwomen bandwagon and I know full well that it is being overplayed.  There are women out there that suffer.  But don't mistake this either: men and women can be equally as nasty to each other. 

I have found that in my experience communicating with men and women that it seems that the biggest source of emotional pain for women, or wounded ego (pride) for men is when an affair occurs in a relationship or marriage.  I won't even bother with many of the reasons why people do it.  I do believe to a degree that some men and women will do it for pre-meditated reasons and because the opportunity presented itself.  My stand on cheating is that there isn't any good reason for doing so no matter how you look at it.  I have seen people drive themselves to guilt over the decision to do so and it could have been avoided if they just went to the partner and said "it's over between us" before going to the next person.  However, people do make their own decisions and it doesn't always make sense to me.

Now, from what I have seen, Women seem more likely to take a man back for committing an act of infidelity.  I do believe that because women are more in tune with the emotional side of themselves and therefore can forgive a little easier than men.  In other words: a lot of women don't let their egos get in the way of love.  However, for those that do let their egos get in the way just a little bit, (and this has happened in the past for me and from what I have seen with other issues that occur) an opportunity will present itself for her to get even with the guy.  The guy if he wants to keep the girl will almost always have to grin and bear it.  An unwillingness to accept what you deserve often ends the relationship.  At least that is how some might see it.

The reason why men find it harder to forgive an act of infidelity has more to do with their ego (pride).  Nothing brings a man down quicker than having their pride destroyed by their wife or girlfriend having an affair with someone else.  The guy is likely going to think that she did this because "she believes I'm not good enough."  There could be all sorts of reasons why she chose to cheat, but of course, the question comes down to "Did I deserve this?"  People will tell you that you did if you cheated first.  I don't know for sure if you deserved it.  But i will say this: no you didn't and you shouldn't have to accept the excuses as to why she cheated.  To fall for her justifications and excuses enables her to get away with it again.

The bottom line can easily be a problem or issue within a marriage/relationship.  Maybe someone has a poor sense of boundaries and has no idea what they will tolerate and what their partner will tolerate.  Maybe there are misunderstandings.  More often than not, I find it is: "I want out, but I didn't have the courage to tell you.  So I acted out instead and hoped you would notice."  Of course, people don't like getting caught either and can't bare the responsibility of their actions.

I also had an interesting conversation with a couple girl friends recently about people that stray as well.  One of them actually did say that they find the attitude of looking around while actively involved in a relationship or marriage as selfish.  The belief conveyed was the majority of time, the person looking is not willing to let go of the previous partner unless the new partner can offer something that satisfies their ego.  This is going on the belief that the person doing this is bored and can't stand the responsibilities that come with being a mother/father and a husband/wife.  This is also going on the belief that no amount of love shown to the person behaving this way is good enough.  It's simply a lot of speculation, and I can't really go much further than that on the topic.

But from what I have experienced myself:  I did play the field after a relationship in the past.  I got involved with two ladies around the same time period.  I found out that one person was actively looking for a relationship and was hoping to get it from me.  Although we never had the exclusive talk, she felt that me getting involved with the other girl was cheating.  She indicated a willingness to forgive and allow me the opportunity to clean up, but I instead chose the path of self-destruction and destroyed whatever was left of that friendship and relationship with some hurtful words. 

Of course the next two girls I dated, I am convinced they cheated on my with their ex boyfriends even though I know they won't admit to it.  Yeah, for those who believe in karma, I certainly got what I deserved.  I also question whether they left them, but that doesn't matter anymore either.  The truth is, I'm not willing to take them back and looking back at the experience with the two girls prior, I didn't understand why one would choose to forgive for such an act.  I knew from one of these two that cheated on me that she was looking to see what she could get away with and I wasn't allowing it.

The first of those two taught me a lesson about taking people back: do it once and get away with it, you can do it again and again without consequence.  In other words, you enable the cheating and bad behaviour and choose to do nothing about it.  Guess what happens when you speak up about the poor treatment you receive?  More often than not, I have found myself going about it the wrong way if I allowed someone to blatantly disrespect my boundaries like that.  The person has gotten away with disrespecting and disregarding your boundaries.  The chances are slim they will take you seriously when you are upset about it.

I got involved in quite the mess, and I know that this helped destroy my sense of well being a little.  I knew I shouldn't have allowed the types to continue being too involved in my life.  I did in fact suffer a workplace injury during the time period as well.  The unfortunate part was that it was a concussion.  Considering my history of anxiety and depression and anger issues, the post concussion symptoms were harsh.  I was called a "piece of crap" by that first cheater who appeared to be ready to do it again to her boyfriend, but with another guy.  I was also told I was worse than her boyfriend.  She was also downright criticizing me and I was for some reason allowing it.  Instead of staying away from the environments she frequented to as well (we had many mutual friends and acquaintences), I kept showing up (after a short break from going).  She eventually stopped going to these environments.  Any new friends she made told me that they get frustrated around her at points as well.

Now of course, I have written down and really looked at my past relationships and realize what it is that I will not put up with and what are deal breakers to me now.  I know that many others do the same thing.  I have come to realize that cheating is something that I can forgive, but I sure won't be interested in taking someone back for it.  Having dealt with the pain before and being abused by people who simply didn't care how I felt, why would I deal with that abuse?