We find that many people can forgive and forget, and others can't. I
have noticed that relationships need a lot of forgiveness and love in
order to succeed. Love and forgiveness often brings joy and peace to
the people in your life. So what happens when someone does something
that hurts you?
I have three options:
1. My first option would be to pray to God and look in the direction that I am guided to afterwards.
2. Brood on what I am told and speak about it with people that aren't involved so that they can tell me what to do.
3. Self-destruct and do something I absolutely should not do (Drink myself to drunkenness while I'm upset as an example).
That
last option is by far the worst option in my honest opinion. The
second option could lead you either way as what you hear can be either
good advice or bad advice. But if you are looking for a good opinion on
that matter, I find the more I talk about my worries, the more negative
I get. Prayer as i am finding it is the best option. However,
remember that the problem you are having needs to be sorted out with
anyone that might be involved. How you handle your side of the problem
will determine the response you get from others as well.
Cheating and Forgiveness
I
will try to avoid generalizing as much as possible and try to avoid
being sexist. I just want to say that in my experience, I have met
these types
of people. Secondly, in the wake of the Elliot Rodger incident, I
don't in any way think this is misogynistic at all. I do believe to a
degree that too many people are jumping on the #yesallwomen bandwagon
and I know full well that it is being overplayed. There are women out
there that suffer. But don't mistake this either: men and women can be
equally as nasty to each other.
I have found that in
my experience communicating with men and women that it seems that the
biggest source of emotional pain for women, or wounded ego (pride) for
men is when an affair occurs in a relationship or marriage. I won't
even bother with many of the reasons why people do it. I do believe to a
degree that some men and women will do it for pre-meditated reasons and
because the opportunity presented itself. My stand on cheating is that
there isn't any good reason for doing so no matter how you look at it.
I have seen people drive themselves to guilt over the decision to do so
and it could have been avoided if they just went to the partner and
said "it's over between us" before going to the next person. However,
people do make their own decisions and it doesn't always make sense to
me.
Now, from what I have seen, Women seem more likely
to take a man back for committing an act of infidelity. I do believe
that because women are more in tune with the emotional side of
themselves and therefore can forgive a little easier than men. In other
words: a lot of women don't let their egos get in the way of love.
However, for those that do let their egos get in the way just a little
bit, (and this has happened in the past for me and from what I have seen
with other issues that occur) an opportunity will present itself for
her to get even with the guy. The guy if he wants to keep the girl will
almost always have to grin and bear it. An unwillingness to accept
what you deserve often ends the relationship. At least that is how some
might see it.
The reason why men find it harder to
forgive an act of infidelity has more to do with their ego (pride).
Nothing brings a man down quicker than having their pride destroyed by
their wife or girlfriend having an affair with someone else. The guy is
likely going to think that she did this because "she believes I'm not
good enough." There could be all sorts of reasons why she chose to
cheat, but of course, the question comes down to "Did I deserve this?"
People will tell you that you did if you cheated first. I don't know
for sure if you deserved it. But i will say this: no you didn't and you
shouldn't have to accept the excuses as to why she cheated. To fall
for her justifications and excuses enables her to get away with it
again.
The bottom line can easily be a problem or issue
within a marriage/relationship. Maybe someone has a poor sense of
boundaries and has no idea what they will tolerate and what their
partner will tolerate. Maybe there are misunderstandings. More often
than not, I find it is: "I want out, but I didn't have the courage to
tell you. So I acted out instead and hoped you would notice." Of
course, people don't like getting caught either and can't bare the
responsibility of their actions.
I also had an
interesting conversation with a couple girl friends recently about
people that stray as well. One of them actually did say that they find
the attitude of looking around while actively involved in a relationship
or marriage as selfish. The belief conveyed was the majority of time,
the person looking is not willing to let go of the previous partner
unless the new partner can offer something that satisfies their ego.
This is going on the belief that the person doing this is bored and
can't stand the responsibilities that come with being a mother/father
and a husband/wife. This is also going on the belief that no amount of
love shown to the person behaving this way is good enough. It's simply a
lot of speculation, and I can't really go much further than that on the
topic.
But from what I have experienced myself: I did
play the field after a relationship in the past. I got involved with
two ladies around the same time period. I found out that one person was
actively looking for a relationship and was hoping to get it from me.
Although we never had the exclusive talk, she felt that me getting
involved with the other girl was cheating. She indicated a willingness
to forgive and allow me the opportunity to clean up, but I instead chose
the path of self-destruction and destroyed whatever was left of that
friendship and relationship with some hurtful words.
Of
course the next two girls I dated, I am convinced they cheated on my
with their ex boyfriends even though I know they won't admit to it.
Yeah, for those who believe in karma, I certainly got what I deserved. I
also question whether they left them, but that doesn't matter anymore
either. The truth is, I'm not willing to take them back and looking
back at the experience with the two girls prior, I didn't understand why
one would choose to forgive for such an act. I knew from one of these
two that cheated on me that she was looking to see what she could get
away with and I wasn't allowing it.
The first of those
two taught me a lesson about taking people back: do it once and get away
with it, you can do it again and again without consequence. In other
words, you enable the cheating and bad behaviour and choose to do
nothing about it. Guess what happens when you speak up about the poor
treatment you receive? More often than not, I have found myself going
about it the wrong way if I allowed someone to blatantly disrespect my
boundaries like that. The person has gotten away with disrespecting and
disregarding your boundaries. The chances are slim they will take you
seriously when you are upset about it.
I got involved
in quite the mess, and I know that this helped destroy my sense of well
being a little. I knew I shouldn't have allowed the types to continue
being too involved in my life. I did in fact suffer a workplace injury
during the time period as well. The unfortunate part was that it was a
concussion. Considering my history of anxiety and depression and anger
issues, the post concussion symptoms were harsh. I was called a "piece
of crap" by that first cheater who appeared to be ready to do it again
to her boyfriend, but with another guy. I was also told I was worse
than her boyfriend. She was also downright criticizing me and I was for
some reason allowing it. Instead of staying away from the environments
she frequented to as well (we had many mutual friends and
acquaintences), I kept showing up (after a short break from going). She
eventually stopped going to these environments. Any new friends she
made told me that they get frustrated around her at points as well.
Now
of course, I have written down and really looked at my past
relationships and realize what it is that I will not put up with and
what are deal breakers to me now. I know that many others do the same
thing. I have come to realize that cheating is something that I can
forgive, but I sure won't be interested in taking someone back for it.
Having dealt with the pain before and being abused by people who simply
didn't care how I felt, why would I deal with that abuse?
Saturday, 31 May 2014
Saturday, 24 May 2014
A rant against the UCSB shooter.
Edit May 25, 2014-
I wanted to add this to those on the spectrum that might be upset and feeling rather worried. I felt extremely worried after the Sandy Hook incident myself. I remember the backlash that went against those diagnosed was nowhere near as bad as I thought it could be. In fact, I don't recall any backlash at all.
The media focused more on Elliot Rodger's manifesto and video more than they did on a diagnosis. Other than this blog entry I had written below on the 24th of May, I will not bring up any mention of the topic of this shooter or Sandy Hook in any future blog entry. The only exception is a brief passing mention in a reflective blog entry about what I might have been going through at the time.
--------------
Here we go again. I wrote a blog entry 17 months ago detailing how I felt about the shootings committed by a 20 year old named Adam Lanza in Connecticut. 17 months later, we now have a guy killing women because he doesn't like being a virgin at the age of 22?
I was a virgin at the age of 22, and I had a lot of people run their mouths in their life about how being a man meant sleeping with women. The interesting thing is that over the years, I learned just how full of crap some of these people can be as well. I also learned that many of these men that claimed that they slept with a high number of women were just braggers who knew far less than they claimed to have actually known. Granted, some knew what they wanted and that was sex. I eventually realized that as much fun as sex was, it never actually made me feel happy to just have sex with someone.
I had a busy day on the 24th of May. I first heard about this incident when me and my girlfriend were heading out to the beach. She told me some young kid shot up a bunch of women on some street because he was unhappy with being a virgin or because he didn't like being rejected. I remember saying at the time that I wouldn't be surprised in the least bit if this guy somehow ends up being reported as being diagnosed with Aspergers or Autism. There was never another time where I hated being right.
Some of my blog readers know I frequently visit and post on the Love and Dating section of wrongplanet.net. It was when I read this thread (click here) on the website where I found out that I was right and I just cringed. You will see that many people in this thread are very upset about this. There are probably other links on the website right now that will also show this. Any other autism forum, i wouldn't be surprised if there are people who feel hurt as well. It's like the Adam Lanza incident all over again. The stigma will continue and it isn't going to get any better. The BBC apparently reported that he was diagnosed with Aspergers in this Link. I also found it interesting that this kid is also a son of a filmmaker in Hollywood.
Now of course there is the video Elliot Rodgers posted which I watched with the girlfriend. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. First off, he comments on how hurt he feels over the rejection he faces. He then questions why women choose other men over him since he is such a great guy. Comments on how he has his sexual advances rejected. Comments on how he feels superior to other people. What was I just hearing? Yeah, this is not Aspergers talking. This is self-entitlement and selfishness talking here. There was nothing loving about what he said.
Newsflash for everyone: Typically, an Aspie goes through all sorts of rejection in their life. I have, and so has just about any other Aspie. So does everyone else regardless of a diagnosis or not. All i heard in this video is "I want to have sex" and "if you won't have sex with me, I will get my revenge." This is how everyone is going to look at it. We will also see a superiority complex with the way he talks about women and other people in general. Nice guys aren't entitled to anything. I also see a guy in the video who seems to not understand that others have boundaries and want them to be respected.
We also get someone posting on a PUA hate blog about a PUA response. Take a look at Amanda Hess' blog entry here. I'm glad this was posted as I am sure people know how I feel about PUA communities by now and Amanda has provided links to back herself up. Some of these guys apparently suggested that they could have helped prevent the deaths if Elliot listened to them or if Elliot allowed someone to coach him. This is quite disturbing in it's own right if people truly believe that.
I really don't know if I should feel sorry or Elliot and the rejection he felt. I remember how it felt to be rejected and I remember the hormones raging within me and wanting to have sex at that age as well. But I also remember I got through college without and I find that it doesn't bother me. I always seemed to have friends around to talk to and hang out with.
However, I do know that temptation can come when we are isolated as well. People can be tempted to do all sorts of weird and possibly dangerous things when they are kept to themselves for too long. This isolation definitely has nothing to do with Aspergers. It has more to do with not having people around to influence you about what is wrong or right. There is no moral conscience to develop from isolation. Of course, isolation could be forced on yourself if you refuse to listen to others as well.
When it all comes down to it, it's really hard for me to gauge how I should feel about this other than appalled that it happened again. Another terrible incident involving a shooter who is said to be diagnosed with Aspergers. May the families of the victims have God on their side in this tough time and may they mourn the losses and do what they can to move forward. May there be prayers and expressions of love given to those affected and may they be helped in this tough time in their lives.
I also pray and wish for those diagnosed not to panic too much over this incident. I know it's very tempting to be upset and mad about all of this. I know many others who promote and love to hate others will do what they want to do and make you feel unloved as well. Just know that those who make you feel unloved probably don't understand what love really is, but only claim to know. And after all, learn to forgive those who make you feel unloved as they may not know what forgiveness is either.
I wanted to add this to those on the spectrum that might be upset and feeling rather worried. I felt extremely worried after the Sandy Hook incident myself. I remember the backlash that went against those diagnosed was nowhere near as bad as I thought it could be. In fact, I don't recall any backlash at all.
The media focused more on Elliot Rodger's manifesto and video more than they did on a diagnosis. Other than this blog entry I had written below on the 24th of May, I will not bring up any mention of the topic of this shooter or Sandy Hook in any future blog entry. The only exception is a brief passing mention in a reflective blog entry about what I might have been going through at the time.
--------------
Here we go again. I wrote a blog entry 17 months ago detailing how I felt about the shootings committed by a 20 year old named Adam Lanza in Connecticut. 17 months later, we now have a guy killing women because he doesn't like being a virgin at the age of 22?
I was a virgin at the age of 22, and I had a lot of people run their mouths in their life about how being a man meant sleeping with women. The interesting thing is that over the years, I learned just how full of crap some of these people can be as well. I also learned that many of these men that claimed that they slept with a high number of women were just braggers who knew far less than they claimed to have actually known. Granted, some knew what they wanted and that was sex. I eventually realized that as much fun as sex was, it never actually made me feel happy to just have sex with someone.
I had a busy day on the 24th of May. I first heard about this incident when me and my girlfriend were heading out to the beach. She told me some young kid shot up a bunch of women on some street because he was unhappy with being a virgin or because he didn't like being rejected. I remember saying at the time that I wouldn't be surprised in the least bit if this guy somehow ends up being reported as being diagnosed with Aspergers or Autism. There was never another time where I hated being right.
Some of my blog readers know I frequently visit and post on the Love and Dating section of wrongplanet.net. It was when I read this thread (click here) on the website where I found out that I was right and I just cringed. You will see that many people in this thread are very upset about this. There are probably other links on the website right now that will also show this. Any other autism forum, i wouldn't be surprised if there are people who feel hurt as well. It's like the Adam Lanza incident all over again. The stigma will continue and it isn't going to get any better. The BBC apparently reported that he was diagnosed with Aspergers in this Link. I also found it interesting that this kid is also a son of a filmmaker in Hollywood.
Now of course there is the video Elliot Rodgers posted which I watched with the girlfriend. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. First off, he comments on how hurt he feels over the rejection he faces. He then questions why women choose other men over him since he is such a great guy. Comments on how he has his sexual advances rejected. Comments on how he feels superior to other people. What was I just hearing? Yeah, this is not Aspergers talking. This is self-entitlement and selfishness talking here. There was nothing loving about what he said.
Newsflash for everyone: Typically, an Aspie goes through all sorts of rejection in their life. I have, and so has just about any other Aspie. So does everyone else regardless of a diagnosis or not. All i heard in this video is "I want to have sex" and "if you won't have sex with me, I will get my revenge." This is how everyone is going to look at it. We will also see a superiority complex with the way he talks about women and other people in general. Nice guys aren't entitled to anything. I also see a guy in the video who seems to not understand that others have boundaries and want them to be respected.
We also get someone posting on a PUA hate blog about a PUA response. Take a look at Amanda Hess' blog entry here. I'm glad this was posted as I am sure people know how I feel about PUA communities by now and Amanda has provided links to back herself up. Some of these guys apparently suggested that they could have helped prevent the deaths if Elliot listened to them or if Elliot allowed someone to coach him. This is quite disturbing in it's own right if people truly believe that.
I really don't know if I should feel sorry or Elliot and the rejection he felt. I remember how it felt to be rejected and I remember the hormones raging within me and wanting to have sex at that age as well. But I also remember I got through college without and I find that it doesn't bother me. I always seemed to have friends around to talk to and hang out with.
However, I do know that temptation can come when we are isolated as well. People can be tempted to do all sorts of weird and possibly dangerous things when they are kept to themselves for too long. This isolation definitely has nothing to do with Aspergers. It has more to do with not having people around to influence you about what is wrong or right. There is no moral conscience to develop from isolation. Of course, isolation could be forced on yourself if you refuse to listen to others as well.
When it all comes down to it, it's really hard for me to gauge how I should feel about this other than appalled that it happened again. Another terrible incident involving a shooter who is said to be diagnosed with Aspergers. May the families of the victims have God on their side in this tough time and may they mourn the losses and do what they can to move forward. May there be prayers and expressions of love given to those affected and may they be helped in this tough time in their lives.
I also pray and wish for those diagnosed not to panic too much over this incident. I know it's very tempting to be upset and mad about all of this. I know many others who promote and love to hate others will do what they want to do and make you feel unloved as well. Just know that those who make you feel unloved probably don't understand what love really is, but only claim to know. And after all, learn to forgive those who make you feel unloved as they may not know what forgiveness is either.
Thursday, 13 March 2014
Forgiveness, love and the nice guy + the book of Job
Please note that this blog entry has been edited a few times since original posting.
I got through nine pages of this thread on Wrongplanet.net where the OP asked "Who are the Self-Proclaimed Nice Guys?". Decided I had enough half way through that ninth page. I read some interesting comments. One poster pointed out that Christians think they are entitled to love because they grew up believing that God will love them. Well... here is my take on that because love involves a lot of forgiveness.
Later on after writing this entry, I finished reading that thread and realized that this blog is appropriate considering the topics of conversation. Being forgiving is very difficult and many people won't forgive a person that laments or is angry all the time, or is simply out for themselves. Yet, some of these type of people who lament or are angry claim to be nice guys. I should know, I was once like that when I was younger---> "how come you're dating that guy when he treats you like that? I would be much nicer to you." (I pull the disappearing act the next day, repeat those words in a week or two)
I'm not sure how many people ever truly understand the love of God, or accepting Christ as their saviour. Having just read through the book of Job (still have a few chapters to go in that book, and I think this is a great story), I noticed that a blameless man (Job) who never did wrong to anyone became the victim of some bad things happening in his life. The story reveals that God made a deal with Satan at the begining of that story because Satan wanted to prove that Job would curse against the Lord if bad things happened. (Words are mine to illustrate the point) God said to Satan "Do what you will, but don't kill the man."
Of course, Job lost his livestock, lost the respect of his friends and family, people tried to manipulate him, his wife made fun of him for having faith in God, and Job got sick. A few friends came to speak to him, but all sat in silence with Job for a week before Job spoke up. Job lamented on how he never did anything wrong and that God must be punishing him for something, but for what? His friends assumed he sinned and must repent. His friends insisted that Job didn't know God. However, Job wouldn't repent as he had not cursed against God.
I took a break before finishing the book of Job and had started this blog entry between readings. I still found the message of forgiveness applied. The Lord spoke to Job and Job replied. The three friends never spoke truth about the Lord and Job did. Although Job had never seen God before the end of this story, he had heard of the Lord and believed in him. Job never lost faith and spoke truth of the Lord and was rewarded for it despite lamenting on his lost fortunes. God had in fact rewarded Job for not cursing in him. Satan had lost his bet.
Moral of what I am trying to say: There are some people in this world that will treat you like crap and it wont be your fault as to why they do it. People like to tempt us and we all know this. People like to get you to do things that are not in your best interest, but may be in theirs. As soon as they got what they want, you are gone and treated as if you were a nobody and never existed. Despite this, some of the people that manipulate us and treat us like crap say they are doing it because they "love us." I have a far better understanding of love recently, and that kind of love may be self-centred, but sure shows me that I am not loved.
But you do have the choice to forgive people for slighting you, or being bitter and resentful and angry. I, like Job, got sick when I chose the route of anger and resentment and found myself making poor judgment calls. Sometimes I would choose to keep myself from speaking as Job did for a week. This is not healthy for a person at all to not speak, but to keep their words to themselves. Trying to understand forgiveness was the better option. I chose to take that route and felt healthier afterwards.
Also remember that people choose to forgive on their terms and that you shouldn't necessarily be begging forgiveness. People will come back if you show a forgiving nature as well. Not all people that hurt you mean any harm.
I got through nine pages of this thread on Wrongplanet.net where the OP asked "Who are the Self-Proclaimed Nice Guys?". Decided I had enough half way through that ninth page. I read some interesting comments. One poster pointed out that Christians think they are entitled to love because they grew up believing that God will love them. Well... here is my take on that because love involves a lot of forgiveness.
Later on after writing this entry, I finished reading that thread and realized that this blog is appropriate considering the topics of conversation. Being forgiving is very difficult and many people won't forgive a person that laments or is angry all the time, or is simply out for themselves. Yet, some of these type of people who lament or are angry claim to be nice guys. I should know, I was once like that when I was younger---> "how come you're dating that guy when he treats you like that? I would be much nicer to you." (I pull the disappearing act the next day, repeat those words in a week or two)
I'm not sure how many people ever truly understand the love of God, or accepting Christ as their saviour. Having just read through the book of Job (still have a few chapters to go in that book, and I think this is a great story), I noticed that a blameless man (Job) who never did wrong to anyone became the victim of some bad things happening in his life. The story reveals that God made a deal with Satan at the begining of that story because Satan wanted to prove that Job would curse against the Lord if bad things happened. (Words are mine to illustrate the point) God said to Satan "Do what you will, but don't kill the man."
Of course, Job lost his livestock, lost the respect of his friends and family, people tried to manipulate him, his wife made fun of him for having faith in God, and Job got sick. A few friends came to speak to him, but all sat in silence with Job for a week before Job spoke up. Job lamented on how he never did anything wrong and that God must be punishing him for something, but for what? His friends assumed he sinned and must repent. His friends insisted that Job didn't know God. However, Job wouldn't repent as he had not cursed against God.
I took a break before finishing the book of Job and had started this blog entry between readings. I still found the message of forgiveness applied. The Lord spoke to Job and Job replied. The three friends never spoke truth about the Lord and Job did. Although Job had never seen God before the end of this story, he had heard of the Lord and believed in him. Job never lost faith and spoke truth of the Lord and was rewarded for it despite lamenting on his lost fortunes. God had in fact rewarded Job for not cursing in him. Satan had lost his bet.
Moral of what I am trying to say: There are some people in this world that will treat you like crap and it wont be your fault as to why they do it. People like to tempt us and we all know this. People like to get you to do things that are not in your best interest, but may be in theirs. As soon as they got what they want, you are gone and treated as if you were a nobody and never existed. Despite this, some of the people that manipulate us and treat us like crap say they are doing it because they "love us." I have a far better understanding of love recently, and that kind of love may be self-centred, but sure shows me that I am not loved.
But you do have the choice to forgive people for slighting you, or being bitter and resentful and angry. I, like Job, got sick when I chose the route of anger and resentment and found myself making poor judgment calls. Sometimes I would choose to keep myself from speaking as Job did for a week. This is not healthy for a person at all to not speak, but to keep their words to themselves. Trying to understand forgiveness was the better option. I chose to take that route and felt healthier afterwards.
Also remember that people choose to forgive on their terms and that you shouldn't necessarily be begging forgiveness. People will come back if you show a forgiving nature as well. Not all people that hurt you mean any harm.
Wednesday, 26 February 2014
An update:
I am keeping this entry short. For those who still read this, thank you. I plan on including writing about God and my relationship with God and how I can improve it in the future. I also plan on using some bible verses in future entries. I would also like to remind you that I am in fact new to being a Christian, so I may have some opinions. I am not trying to force opinions at all, I want to show some truth and steer away from voicing my opinions of possible.
I would like to emphasize that my favourite chapter in the bible so far comes from Ephesians 6. Specifically, the armour of God is my favourite part of it (verses 10-20 approximately). I may be using some examples of what I have learned in my progress and maybe some real life situations and how it has worked. My next entry will likely be about the amazing things I have discovered through prayer.
Til next time: God bless you all. Have a fantastic day.
I would like to emphasize that my favourite chapter in the bible so far comes from Ephesians 6. Specifically, the armour of God is my favourite part of it (verses 10-20 approximately). I may be using some examples of what I have learned in my progress and maybe some real life situations and how it has worked. My next entry will likely be about the amazing things I have discovered through prayer.
Til next time: God bless you all. Have a fantastic day.
Sunday, 2 February 2014
The misperceptions of Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.
It's been a while since I posted anything. Having discussed recently with other people about self-defeating habits and patterns of behaviour, I started writing some ideas down. However, these ideas don't even reflect what I had written months ago on this blog about this self-defeating series I had written. Some of the ideas I had written then were just the beginning of some of my own research. Since then, I have accepted Christ and have made time for God in my life. I have actually been more joyful, peaceful and happy since. I can find myself enjoying life more: at work, at home and in my social life.
I have written a book that includes ideas from previous blog entries I had written. These ideas include my life experience, my depression, my attempts at trying to understand what is Aspergers and what is not, and even including some of the little fables I had written ("Tale of the Honest Man" and "Window of Opportunity" come to mind). I look at the past with this blog and upon reflection, this blog in itself is a story of the self-defeating mind and very tragically relates to what Pick-up Artists go through. I never looked at myself as one, but this blog heavily reflects that of a person that is one. A good chunk of blog entries relates to dating and trying to understand why I had problems attracting women.
So as I looked through that book I had written recently, I realized that I had some good ideas written down. I detailed the experience of what a man diagnosed with Aspergers would likely go through before he accepts himself as he is. There are some dark thoughts here and there, and there are some examples in there that illustrate the lack of tact or social skills a person may have. I do think the book could use some editing for sure. There is no way the book can be released as is. But the ideas have laid down the foundation. The journey starts from the day I had written my blog entry about my thoughts and feelings on the Newtown shooting (December 15, 2012). The decision to start reading the "Power of Now" after that day is detailed. But I look back at it now, I don't regret reading that book or even looking at other spiritual self-help books. It brought me to God, and I realized that spiritual books do more to help my personal growth than a book on Social Intelligence or Aspergers ever will.
However, I realized after reading that book was that I found my relationships with women improved. How did this happen? I will explain in a second. But there are also pitfalls that comes from reading that book. After observing what was going on, and knowing that I was beginning to express myself and let go more appropriately, I also observed that I was able to live in the present moment without any real fear. I observed that this helped my relationships with women. I mentioned this to the friend that recommended the book to me, and he agreed that the book does help relationships with women. When offered advice on what worked with women and didn't, I declined to figure things out on my own. I don't regret that decision either.
The Pitfalls
The PUA community uses this book: Google it if you don't believe me. This is number one and can be found in all my answers as to why. I actually came to understand after a while that my insecurity matched that of a lot of women in the 18-25 age range. Part of the problem was having been with women whom I was dating in that age range. Once I realized what these insecurities were, I started realizing what I was doing that came across as insecure.
The harsh reality of women in that age range for the most part is they do spend lots of time growing up and trying to find themselves. A good chunk of men in the 19-27 age gap will be doing this as well. Outside of socializing, school and work, and away from the boyfriend/girlfriend, there is a lot of growing up going on. It's as simple as that. Of course, part of growing up is dealing with our own insecurities.
Emotional immaturity/insecurity: When socializing, we try not to focus on self-reflection. We enjoy the moment. I ended up figuring out the obvious. Women in that age gap who happened to be emotionally immature or insecure will always go for what they feel in that moment and they never ignore what their emotions are telling them and ignore logic and questions like "how would my boyfriend/girlfriend feel?". They may act like children in that regard. They will forget their boyfriends and do what they feel like doing. You also can't exclude men from behaving in this manner either. We can deal with consequences later provided it works in the way we want it to (which it may not, and we place blame and responsibility on others anyway for getting mad at us). In these moments, we aren't interested about the future or past, we are interested about the now.
PUA's may even use the now to justify irresponsibility: Especially for women. If you read enough on the internet, you'll notice that PUA's are obsessive about coming across like the "real alpha male" and placing himself as a man with "higher value" than other men. They also treat women like they are incapable of responsibility. The reason why is actually kind of simple: There are people out there that are concerned about the now regardless of the consequences it could have on their relationships.
Eckhart Tolle's message is being taken for granted: The point of this book is a very spiritual message, albeit a very Buddhist message at that IMO. He even gives warnings in the book about using the present moment for enjoyment and states that you still have to plan for the future, but work on those plans in the current moment as well. He also mentions that you must be able to deal with a problem in the moment, ignore it, or leave the environment without regretting your decision and complaining about it later.
The western world is very non-spiritual and very ego-centric as it is. So people were not going to listen to or read the spiritual message in the book. But from reading the spiritual message, you can understand some very important messages in the book.
The book references the ego, and the egoic mind repeatedly. He even mentions the dangers of the "Collective Ego" (more detailed in "A New Earth"). He warns people not to use the book for their own ego or they will miss the point of the message. Some people may have actually used this book to enhance their egos. This alone is a dangerous thing, and I had to discover this danger firsthand. I admit I didn't read the book to enhance my ego, but when it became easier to sleep with women, the ego started to evolve (I moved from having been with two women to having been with seven in a span of six months).
Manipulation can become easier: It is easier to hide your insecurities from reading this book. I don't remember reading "hide your insecurities and don't work on them" in the book at any point. But once you understood what makes people insecure, it was easier to find ways to manipulate them. Yes, a diagnosed Aspie realized how easy it can be to manipulate people. He also realized that he could still be manipulated just as easily.
One key point in the book was to be "non-reactive" and to listen when someone needs to be heard (a message that may have been repeated from John Gray's "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus"). This is good advice. But I wonder how many people misinterpreted the "non-reactive" and just simply took it literally and did nothing. I know I chose to do nothing and be non-reactive after a while. You think it brought people closer? It didn't. What it did was convince people I lost interest in them. I eventually had to learn how to listen as well.
Life today:
If it weren't for the path I took, I wouldn't know what progress I would have made. I wouldn't be discovering self-defeating habits. I also wouldn't be developing my relationship with God. I am very happy with where I am going. And this being a Sunday after a long and busy week, I do feel like resting and maybe doing some writing on my own. I will enjoy the day, and maybe take part in viewing the Super Bowl. I am no football fan, but I do hope Peyton Manning wins with the Denver Broncos.
I have written a book that includes ideas from previous blog entries I had written. These ideas include my life experience, my depression, my attempts at trying to understand what is Aspergers and what is not, and even including some of the little fables I had written ("Tale of the Honest Man" and "Window of Opportunity" come to mind). I look at the past with this blog and upon reflection, this blog in itself is a story of the self-defeating mind and very tragically relates to what Pick-up Artists go through. I never looked at myself as one, but this blog heavily reflects that of a person that is one. A good chunk of blog entries relates to dating and trying to understand why I had problems attracting women.
So as I looked through that book I had written recently, I realized that I had some good ideas written down. I detailed the experience of what a man diagnosed with Aspergers would likely go through before he accepts himself as he is. There are some dark thoughts here and there, and there are some examples in there that illustrate the lack of tact or social skills a person may have. I do think the book could use some editing for sure. There is no way the book can be released as is. But the ideas have laid down the foundation. The journey starts from the day I had written my blog entry about my thoughts and feelings on the Newtown shooting (December 15, 2012). The decision to start reading the "Power of Now" after that day is detailed. But I look back at it now, I don't regret reading that book or even looking at other spiritual self-help books. It brought me to God, and I realized that spiritual books do more to help my personal growth than a book on Social Intelligence or Aspergers ever will.
However, I realized after reading that book was that I found my relationships with women improved. How did this happen? I will explain in a second. But there are also pitfalls that comes from reading that book. After observing what was going on, and knowing that I was beginning to express myself and let go more appropriately, I also observed that I was able to live in the present moment without any real fear. I observed that this helped my relationships with women. I mentioned this to the friend that recommended the book to me, and he agreed that the book does help relationships with women. When offered advice on what worked with women and didn't, I declined to figure things out on my own. I don't regret that decision either.
The Pitfalls
The PUA community uses this book: Google it if you don't believe me. This is number one and can be found in all my answers as to why. I actually came to understand after a while that my insecurity matched that of a lot of women in the 18-25 age range. Part of the problem was having been with women whom I was dating in that age range. Once I realized what these insecurities were, I started realizing what I was doing that came across as insecure.
The harsh reality of women in that age range for the most part is they do spend lots of time growing up and trying to find themselves. A good chunk of men in the 19-27 age gap will be doing this as well. Outside of socializing, school and work, and away from the boyfriend/girlfriend, there is a lot of growing up going on. It's as simple as that. Of course, part of growing up is dealing with our own insecurities.
Emotional immaturity/insecurity: When socializing, we try not to focus on self-reflection. We enjoy the moment. I ended up figuring out the obvious. Women in that age gap who happened to be emotionally immature or insecure will always go for what they feel in that moment and they never ignore what their emotions are telling them and ignore logic and questions like "how would my boyfriend/girlfriend feel?". They may act like children in that regard. They will forget their boyfriends and do what they feel like doing. You also can't exclude men from behaving in this manner either. We can deal with consequences later provided it works in the way we want it to (which it may not, and we place blame and responsibility on others anyway for getting mad at us). In these moments, we aren't interested about the future or past, we are interested about the now.
PUA's may even use the now to justify irresponsibility: Especially for women. If you read enough on the internet, you'll notice that PUA's are obsessive about coming across like the "real alpha male" and placing himself as a man with "higher value" than other men. They also treat women like they are incapable of responsibility. The reason why is actually kind of simple: There are people out there that are concerned about the now regardless of the consequences it could have on their relationships.
Eckhart Tolle's message is being taken for granted: The point of this book is a very spiritual message, albeit a very Buddhist message at that IMO. He even gives warnings in the book about using the present moment for enjoyment and states that you still have to plan for the future, but work on those plans in the current moment as well. He also mentions that you must be able to deal with a problem in the moment, ignore it, or leave the environment without regretting your decision and complaining about it later.
The western world is very non-spiritual and very ego-centric as it is. So people were not going to listen to or read the spiritual message in the book. But from reading the spiritual message, you can understand some very important messages in the book.
The book references the ego, and the egoic mind repeatedly. He even mentions the dangers of the "Collective Ego" (more detailed in "A New Earth"). He warns people not to use the book for their own ego or they will miss the point of the message. Some people may have actually used this book to enhance their egos. This alone is a dangerous thing, and I had to discover this danger firsthand. I admit I didn't read the book to enhance my ego, but when it became easier to sleep with women, the ego started to evolve (I moved from having been with two women to having been with seven in a span of six months).
Manipulation can become easier: It is easier to hide your insecurities from reading this book. I don't remember reading "hide your insecurities and don't work on them" in the book at any point. But once you understood what makes people insecure, it was easier to find ways to manipulate them. Yes, a diagnosed Aspie realized how easy it can be to manipulate people. He also realized that he could still be manipulated just as easily.
One key point in the book was to be "non-reactive" and to listen when someone needs to be heard (a message that may have been repeated from John Gray's "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus"). This is good advice. But I wonder how many people misinterpreted the "non-reactive" and just simply took it literally and did nothing. I know I chose to do nothing and be non-reactive after a while. You think it brought people closer? It didn't. What it did was convince people I lost interest in them. I eventually had to learn how to listen as well.
Life today:
If it weren't for the path I took, I wouldn't know what progress I would have made. I wouldn't be discovering self-defeating habits. I also wouldn't be developing my relationship with God. I am very happy with where I am going. And this being a Sunday after a long and busy week, I do feel like resting and maybe doing some writing on my own. I will enjoy the day, and maybe take part in viewing the Super Bowl. I am no football fan, but I do hope Peyton Manning wins with the Denver Broncos.
Sunday, 10 November 2013
Banning touching at school and why I think it is wrong.
Here are a few links that illustrate the concern of many people, just check the bottom of the entry for them. I look at this as anti-bullying going way too far. I also see this as people lacking any common sense. So, someone gets hurt on a school playground, and an overprotective parent cries to the school? I may not be a parent, but give me a break. This rule goes way too far. I first heard this rule on the radio while I was at work and was hearing that many schools in my area were thinking of enforcing the same policy.
I'm not sure how to explain my opinion in a very clear way. But I will give a three clear reasons why I think it is wrong.
1. You are taking away the freedom to play and have fun. Kids are naturally hands on and try and learn to play through socializing and hands on type of environment. Sure there might be some kids that like to fight. The kids that are excessive in their hands on approach are usually reprimanded for it. Teachers when I was growing up would allow touching. So my guess is that kids won't even be allowed to play "Duck, Duck, Goose."
2. Common sense can be learned early. Enforcing such a rule will not allow a child to know right and wrong pretty early on. Such a rule will likely be hard for a kid to guage whether he or she can do it off the playground and at home as well under parent supervision even. Children are being taught to behave in certain ways by parents at home and by teachers at school. Behavioral conditioning based on common sense can be thrown out the window with such a rule.
3. Kids may not learn their lesson from doing something that gets them hurt. It's one thing to be strict, but to be overly strict without any bounds is ridiculous. I realize the school that implemented the policy thinks it will reduce injuries and they are probably right. But now kids will be far more afraid of doing something that they might get hurt by doing. Sometimes a lesson can be learned by doing something that you get hurt by doing. Kids tend to avoid playing around another kid that will hurt them because they fear it will happen again. As a result, the kid that hurts others may end up learning "Nobody wants to play with me because I hurt them. I will play nicer now." With such a rule, the chances of anyone learning this lesson are slim.
Another thing about this is that it is strictly pointed towards kindergarten students. Kindergarten is meant to be fun for students. What happens when there is no fun? Will the children feel as if they don't want to go to school anymore at that age?
http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/11052013-hands-off-schools-zero-tolerance-policy-bans-touching/
http://www.wondercafe.ca/discussion/parenting/ban-children-touching-other-children
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/british-columbia/bc-schools-no-hand-holding-rule-goes-too-far-parents-say/article15289870/
I'm not sure how to explain my opinion in a very clear way. But I will give a three clear reasons why I think it is wrong.
1. You are taking away the freedom to play and have fun. Kids are naturally hands on and try and learn to play through socializing and hands on type of environment. Sure there might be some kids that like to fight. The kids that are excessive in their hands on approach are usually reprimanded for it. Teachers when I was growing up would allow touching. So my guess is that kids won't even be allowed to play "Duck, Duck, Goose."
2. Common sense can be learned early. Enforcing such a rule will not allow a child to know right and wrong pretty early on. Such a rule will likely be hard for a kid to guage whether he or she can do it off the playground and at home as well under parent supervision even. Children are being taught to behave in certain ways by parents at home and by teachers at school. Behavioral conditioning based on common sense can be thrown out the window with such a rule.
3. Kids may not learn their lesson from doing something that gets them hurt. It's one thing to be strict, but to be overly strict without any bounds is ridiculous. I realize the school that implemented the policy thinks it will reduce injuries and they are probably right. But now kids will be far more afraid of doing something that they might get hurt by doing. Sometimes a lesson can be learned by doing something that you get hurt by doing. Kids tend to avoid playing around another kid that will hurt them because they fear it will happen again. As a result, the kid that hurts others may end up learning "Nobody wants to play with me because I hurt them. I will play nicer now." With such a rule, the chances of anyone learning this lesson are slim.
Another thing about this is that it is strictly pointed towards kindergarten students. Kindergarten is meant to be fun for students. What happens when there is no fun? Will the children feel as if they don't want to go to school anymore at that age?
http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/11052013-hands-off-schools-zero-tolerance-policy-bans-touching/
http://www.wondercafe.ca/discussion/parenting/ban-children-touching-other-children
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/british-columbia/bc-schools-no-hand-holding-rule-goes-too-far-parents-say/article15289870/
Tuesday, 5 November 2013
The Window of Opportunity.
This is meant to cover the more emotional part of the Aspie relationships. This is something I plan on putting in my little book as well:
There was a man named Jake. He loved going out running, walking, hiking, and he enjoyed playing soccer as well. His passion though was his painting, an art that helped him express himself. He was also a very kind man. Others didn't quite understand him, but he was fine with that. He knew he was a little different and understood and accepted himself as he was. He also realized where he could grow.
He decided to take the opportunity to go out with friends and meet some new people along the way. He enjoyed his social life for what it was and didn't turn down many invites to go hang out. His friends were happy to have him around despite his difference. His friends accepted him as he was as well. He was happy to have his friends and he managed to find a way to be approachable to others as well.
During one night out with some friends, Jake laid his eyes on the most beautiful girl in the room. He walked over and said "hi" to the girl and asked for her name. "Sandra" said the girl in reply. The two exchanged some pleasantries and engaged in a conversation. Sandra laughed at the sense of humour Jake displayed. She even listened intently as Jake spoke. Jake also got to know Sandra a little better and before the end of the night, the two exchanged phone numbers before Sandra left to go home.
A couple days went by and Jake phoned Sandra to ask her to come out with him. Sandra said yes and the two went to learn how to dance the Chacha. Both had fun learning the dance moves and agreed to see eachother again. There was no kiss on this night, but the two hugged eachother before separating from eachother for the night.
The two would continue to hang out for four weeks. Around this time period, Sandra and Jake started to really like eachother, although Jake couldn't tell that Sandra was as interested in him as he was in her. Sandra could tell that Jake cared and enjoyed himself around her, but she couldn't help but feel something wasn't right. She started to overthink whether she was good enough for Jake, or whether Jake truly was interested in him. She even asked "Is he ready yet?" Sandra knew that she was ready, but was unsure about Jake.
During one sunny Saturday afternoon, Jake and Sandra went to a romantic movie. As Sandra kept leaning closer to Jake, she noticed that Jake wouldn't put his arm around her. She was undeterred by this. Jake didn't take note of this signal that Sandra wanted to be held. As the movie went on, Sandra kept wondering again if Jake was really interested in her as more than friends.
Outside afterwards, the two went for a walk and Sandra leaned in closer to Jake again only to find that Jake wouldn't reach for her hand. This was even more devastating to Sandra. She was beginning to feel insecure about where things were going between the two. As Jake walked Sandra back to her neighbourhood, they hugged again and made eye contact. Jake then said to Sandra "I will see you later." They released the hold of their hug and Jake walked away.
A couple days went by and Jake asked Sandra to hang out again for later on that night. He waited for hours while painting to find that Sandra never replied to him. Jake felt this was strange since this was unlike Sandra to ignore his text messages and phone calls. So Jake asked again around the time he planned to meet if Sandra was there. Still he got no reply. Jake started to wonder what he did wrong. "I was a gentleman, I didn't force her to do anything she wasn't comfortable with. So what is the problem?" he said to himself. He couldn't figure out what happened.
Sandra eventually replied to Jake after three days saying "Sorry, I was out of town and my phone was turned off." Jake was releived to hear from her. Jake then asked Sandra out again for the next night. "Oh, sorry Jake. I can't. I have other plans." Jake then asked about the plans to find out that Sandra was going on a date with a man she met while she was out of town. Jake felt devastated. He then asked her if she truly felt he was good enough. Her reply was "you had your chance, and you didn't take it. I'm sorry, but I also dont think things would work out either." Jake was very upset and said goodbye to Sandra.
Jake also started overthinking about whether this was a test to make him jealous as well. He dwelled on this for a couple months remembering the words. "She was the best opportunity I had for love." He kept saying to himself. He even blamed Sandra for not being straight up with him sooner. But as Jake started to learn a few subtle cues, he realized his opportunity came when Sandra was leaning closer to him. The problem here was that Jake was thinking too much about this instead of moving forward, but at least he learned something from this experience.
Eventually, Jake started to move forward. He stopped thinking about Sandra and the "what ifs" and focused on what made him happy again. He also went out with some friends one night and was enjoyhing the company without even thinking of the missed opportunity. Then he looked around the room and saw the most beautiful girl in the room. He walked over and said "hi" to her, and got her name.
The reason for this story is to illustrate the emotional problems some Aspie men might have to go through. They may not pick up on the social cues as easily as other men. What comes naturally for others, we have to learn it. Take a note here that Jake doesn't actually learn from Sandra what went wrong other than "You had your chance." What Jake does is figure out on his own what went wrong.
It also goes to show you that what i have observed myself as that most women I meet don't want to make the first move either. So of course, when any woman comes across an Aspie and notices that he simply won't make the move during the window of opportunity, she gets upset and maybe even feels rejected. I know full well that I had to communicate with people that I was never rejecting them when this happened. This never fixed the problem, and I was expected to take action rather than explain myself.
However, the window of opportunity is a real thing. I find that if I don't read the cue properly, things go wrong. If I misread the interest and try and kiss the girl when the cue isn't there, I will come across as forceful, or maybe even a creepy guy that just wants in someone's pants. However, if I miss the obvious cue when it's there as others see it, I come across as disinterested and maybe even mean depending on how this rejection looks to others. I realize that it's a very tricky thing to learn.
The only thing I can do here is to tell the woman that if she is in doubt whether the guy she likes is interested or not, ask. Same goes with the guy. If you don't want to risk friendship over it, then don't. Otherwise, if you can naturally follow the flow of things, you will both know when it's right to make the move.
There was a man named Jake. He loved going out running, walking, hiking, and he enjoyed playing soccer as well. His passion though was his painting, an art that helped him express himself. He was also a very kind man. Others didn't quite understand him, but he was fine with that. He knew he was a little different and understood and accepted himself as he was. He also realized where he could grow.
He decided to take the opportunity to go out with friends and meet some new people along the way. He enjoyed his social life for what it was and didn't turn down many invites to go hang out. His friends were happy to have him around despite his difference. His friends accepted him as he was as well. He was happy to have his friends and he managed to find a way to be approachable to others as well.
During one night out with some friends, Jake laid his eyes on the most beautiful girl in the room. He walked over and said "hi" to the girl and asked for her name. "Sandra" said the girl in reply. The two exchanged some pleasantries and engaged in a conversation. Sandra laughed at the sense of humour Jake displayed. She even listened intently as Jake spoke. Jake also got to know Sandra a little better and before the end of the night, the two exchanged phone numbers before Sandra left to go home.
A couple days went by and Jake phoned Sandra to ask her to come out with him. Sandra said yes and the two went to learn how to dance the Chacha. Both had fun learning the dance moves and agreed to see eachother again. There was no kiss on this night, but the two hugged eachother before separating from eachother for the night.
The two would continue to hang out for four weeks. Around this time period, Sandra and Jake started to really like eachother, although Jake couldn't tell that Sandra was as interested in him as he was in her. Sandra could tell that Jake cared and enjoyed himself around her, but she couldn't help but feel something wasn't right. She started to overthink whether she was good enough for Jake, or whether Jake truly was interested in him. She even asked "Is he ready yet?" Sandra knew that she was ready, but was unsure about Jake.
During one sunny Saturday afternoon, Jake and Sandra went to a romantic movie. As Sandra kept leaning closer to Jake, she noticed that Jake wouldn't put his arm around her. She was undeterred by this. Jake didn't take note of this signal that Sandra wanted to be held. As the movie went on, Sandra kept wondering again if Jake was really interested in her as more than friends.
Outside afterwards, the two went for a walk and Sandra leaned in closer to Jake again only to find that Jake wouldn't reach for her hand. This was even more devastating to Sandra. She was beginning to feel insecure about where things were going between the two. As Jake walked Sandra back to her neighbourhood, they hugged again and made eye contact. Jake then said to Sandra "I will see you later." They released the hold of their hug and Jake walked away.
A couple days went by and Jake asked Sandra to hang out again for later on that night. He waited for hours while painting to find that Sandra never replied to him. Jake felt this was strange since this was unlike Sandra to ignore his text messages and phone calls. So Jake asked again around the time he planned to meet if Sandra was there. Still he got no reply. Jake started to wonder what he did wrong. "I was a gentleman, I didn't force her to do anything she wasn't comfortable with. So what is the problem?" he said to himself. He couldn't figure out what happened.
Sandra eventually replied to Jake after three days saying "Sorry, I was out of town and my phone was turned off." Jake was releived to hear from her. Jake then asked Sandra out again for the next night. "Oh, sorry Jake. I can't. I have other plans." Jake then asked about the plans to find out that Sandra was going on a date with a man she met while she was out of town. Jake felt devastated. He then asked her if she truly felt he was good enough. Her reply was "you had your chance, and you didn't take it. I'm sorry, but I also dont think things would work out either." Jake was very upset and said goodbye to Sandra.
Jake also started overthinking about whether this was a test to make him jealous as well. He dwelled on this for a couple months remembering the words. "She was the best opportunity I had for love." He kept saying to himself. He even blamed Sandra for not being straight up with him sooner. But as Jake started to learn a few subtle cues, he realized his opportunity came when Sandra was leaning closer to him. The problem here was that Jake was thinking too much about this instead of moving forward, but at least he learned something from this experience.
Eventually, Jake started to move forward. He stopped thinking about Sandra and the "what ifs" and focused on what made him happy again. He also went out with some friends one night and was enjoyhing the company without even thinking of the missed opportunity. Then he looked around the room and saw the most beautiful girl in the room. He walked over and said "hi" to her, and got her name.
The reason for this story is to illustrate the emotional problems some Aspie men might have to go through. They may not pick up on the social cues as easily as other men. What comes naturally for others, we have to learn it. Take a note here that Jake doesn't actually learn from Sandra what went wrong other than "You had your chance." What Jake does is figure out on his own what went wrong.
It also goes to show you that what i have observed myself as that most women I meet don't want to make the first move either. So of course, when any woman comes across an Aspie and notices that he simply won't make the move during the window of opportunity, she gets upset and maybe even feels rejected. I know full well that I had to communicate with people that I was never rejecting them when this happened. This never fixed the problem, and I was expected to take action rather than explain myself.
However, the window of opportunity is a real thing. I find that if I don't read the cue properly, things go wrong. If I misread the interest and try and kiss the girl when the cue isn't there, I will come across as forceful, or maybe even a creepy guy that just wants in someone's pants. However, if I miss the obvious cue when it's there as others see it, I come across as disinterested and maybe even mean depending on how this rejection looks to others. I realize that it's a very tricky thing to learn.
The only thing I can do here is to tell the woman that if she is in doubt whether the guy she likes is interested or not, ask. Same goes with the guy. If you don't want to risk friendship over it, then don't. Otherwise, if you can naturally follow the flow of things, you will both know when it's right to make the move.
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