The Window of Opportunity.

This is meant to cover the more emotional part of the Aspie relationships.  This is something I plan on putting in my little book as well:

There was a man named Jake.  He loved going out running, walking, hiking, and he enjoyed playing soccer as well.  His passion though was his painting, an art that helped him express himself.  He was also a very kind man.  Others didn't quite understand him, but he was fine with that.  He knew he was a little different and understood and accepted himself as he was.  He also realized where he could grow.

He decided to take the opportunity to go out with friends and meet some new people along the way.  He enjoyed his social life for what it was and didn't turn down many invites to go hang out.  His friends were happy to have him around despite his difference.  His friends accepted him as he was as well.  He was happy to have his friends and he managed to find a way to be approachable to others as well.

During one night out with some friends, Jake laid his eyes on the most beautiful girl in the room.  He walked over and said "hi" to the girl and asked for her name.  "Sandra" said the girl in reply.  The two exchanged some pleasantries and engaged in a conversation.  Sandra laughed at the sense of humour Jake displayed.  She even listened intently as Jake spoke.  Jake also got to know Sandra a little better and before the end of the night, the two exchanged phone numbers before Sandra left to go home.

A couple days went by and Jake phoned Sandra to ask her to come out with him.  Sandra said yes and the two went to learn how to dance the Chacha.  Both had fun learning the dance moves and agreed to see eachother again. There was no kiss on this night, but the two hugged eachother before separating from eachother for the night.

The two would continue to hang out for four weeks.  Around this time period, Sandra and Jake started to really like eachother, although Jake couldn't tell that Sandra was as interested in him as he was in her.  Sandra could tell that Jake cared and enjoyed himself around her, but she couldn't help but feel something wasn't right.  She started to overthink whether she was good enough for Jake, or whether Jake truly was interested in him.  She even asked "Is he ready yet?"  Sandra knew that she was ready, but was unsure about Jake.

During one sunny Saturday afternoon, Jake and Sandra went to a romantic movie.  As Sandra kept leaning closer to Jake, she noticed that Jake wouldn't put his arm around her.  She was undeterred by this.  Jake didn't take note of this signal that Sandra wanted to be held.  As the movie went on, Sandra kept wondering again if Jake was really interested in her as more than friends.

Outside afterwards, the two went for a walk and Sandra leaned in closer to Jake again only to find that Jake wouldn't reach for her hand.  This was even more devastating to Sandra.  She was beginning to feel insecure about where things were going between the two.  As Jake walked Sandra back to her neighbourhood, they hugged again and made eye contact.  Jake then said to Sandra "I will see you later."  They released the hold of their hug and Jake walked away.

A couple days went by and Jake asked Sandra to hang out again for later on that night.  He waited for hours while painting to find that Sandra never replied to him.  Jake felt this was strange since this was unlike Sandra to ignore his text messages and phone calls.  So Jake asked again around the time he planned to meet if Sandra was there.  Still he got no reply.  Jake started to wonder what he did wrong.  "I was a gentleman, I didn't force her to do anything she wasn't comfortable with.  So what is the problem?"  he said to himself.  He couldn't figure out what happened.

Sandra eventually replied to Jake after three days saying "Sorry, I was out of town and my phone was turned off."  Jake was releived to hear from her.  Jake then asked Sandra out again for the next night.  "Oh, sorry Jake.  I can't.  I have other plans."  Jake then asked about the plans to find out that Sandra was going on a date with a man she met while she was out of town.  Jake felt devastated.  He then asked her if she truly felt he was good enough.  Her reply was "you had your chance, and you didn't take it.  I'm sorry, but I also dont think things would work out either."  Jake was very upset and said goodbye to Sandra.

Jake also started overthinking about whether this was a test to make him jealous as well.  He dwelled on this for a couple months remembering the words.  "She was the best opportunity I had for love."  He kept saying to himself.  He even blamed Sandra for not being straight up with him sooner.  But as Jake started to learn a few subtle cues, he realized his opportunity came when Sandra was leaning closer to him.  The problem here was that Jake was thinking too much about this instead of moving forward, but at least he learned something from this experience.

Eventually, Jake started to move forward.  He stopped thinking about Sandra and the "what ifs" and focused on what made him happy again.  He also went out with some friends one night and was enjoyhing the company without even thinking of the missed opportunity.  Then he looked around the room and saw the most beautiful girl in the room.  He walked over and said "hi" to her, and got her name.


The reason for this story is to illustrate the emotional problems some Aspie men might have to go through.  They may not pick up on the social cues as easily as other men.  What comes naturally for others, we have to learn it.  Take a note here that Jake doesn't actually learn from Sandra what went wrong other than "You had your chance."  What Jake does is figure out on his own what went wrong. 

It also goes to show you that what i have observed myself as that most women I meet don't want to make the first move either.  So of course, when any woman comes across an Aspie and notices that he simply won't make the move during the window of opportunity, she gets upset and maybe even feels rejected.  I know full well that I had to communicate with people that I was never rejecting them when this happened.  This never fixed the problem, and I was expected to take action rather than explain myself. 

However, the window of opportunity is a real thing.  I find that if I don't read the cue properly, things go wrong.  If I misread the interest and try and kiss the girl when the cue isn't there, I will come across as forceful, or maybe even a creepy guy that just wants in someone's pants.  However, if I miss the obvious cue when it's there as others see it, I come across as disinterested and maybe even mean depending on how this rejection looks to others.  I realize that it's a very tricky thing to learn.

The only thing I can do here is to tell the woman that if she is in doubt whether the guy she likes is interested or not, ask.  Same goes with the guy.  If you don't want to risk friendship over it, then don't.  Otherwise, if you can naturally follow the flow of things, you will both know when it's right to make the move.