I know there are some people out there who are reading my blogs. I am actually quite surprised to see the number of people that were interested in reading my one blog about Aspies and dating part 1 and part 1 of my nervous breakdown series. I found myself even more surprised that people wanted to read my Aspie sense of morals post as well. The numbers aren't staggering by any means. What I have found though is that the numbers did jump up a little bit after I joined wrongplanet.net forums and contributed a little bit to the forums there. I think the majority of my readers come from that website since I do have a link on my profile there to this blog.
I have decided to stray away from the Aspie thing for this post for one reason. I have decided to talk about what I have noticed about the health effects of smoking. It will be a bit of a story as well.
I first tried smoking a cigarette when I was 13. The majority of people that smoke their first cigarette will not likely inhale during the first cigarette and smart people will noticed this as well. I was busted cold on this and was told to properly inhale. I coughed hard for a minute and it was at that moment I decided to never smoke.
I was 19 years old and bought a pack of cigarettes one day. I remember deciding to try a pack of DuMaurier Regulars. After a couple days, I threw the pack out with about 16 cigarettes out and thought to myself that I would not do this again. I once again proved myself wrong as I was smoking some Captain Black cigarillos a year later on occasion. The cigarillos are something you are not supposed to inhale anyway, and I don't think I ever did. I went on vacation and didn't touch a cigarette until I hit college in January of 2007. I was not smoking regularly at first and was probably only smoking five or less a day for a good while. Eventually the habit picked up and I was smoking about 8-10 a day.
I started to exercise regularly when I was 22 years old. I had no issue with smoking and exercising and was rapidly increasing my endurance despite my smoking habit. I went from being able to run very little to being able to run 5 km by the end of 2008. In 2009, I was able to run a little more than that. I have been able to run 8-10 km in the last year and that was during a time period when I was not smoking. However, at the age of 22, I was partying a lot too and consuming a lot of alcohol and smoking a lot when out. Eventually this started causing me heartburn and I had to watch how much I drink and smoked for a while. Of course my fitness routine reduced the effects of acid reflux significantly and I was needing medication for my heartburn periodically rather than every day.
I turned 25 years old and started getting dizziness and headaches. I was doing weightlifting and cardio routines consistently as well. I was able to attribute one spell of dizziness and headaches to acid reflux. So I figured from then on I would just take my medication when I felt these symptoms. Of course, things got bad at one point and the dizziness and headaches would come and go at least twice a month. I went to a doctor and based on the acid reflux diagnosis, I was given a blood test to take to determine whether I had stomach bacteria causing this issue for me. The test came back negative and I was clean of any bacteria. Yet I was still a smoker and I was still feeling dizziness from my chosen lifestyle. I did a lot of lifting at work as well and was working quite hard as well. I would find myself sick at least 2-3 times a week for the next while.
I decided one day to quit smoking using a book by a man named Allen Carr called "Easy Way to Quit Smoking" It helped me quit and I noticed a lot of energy in myself after I quit and the dizziness and headaches were significantly reduced and almost non existent. I never once took any pills for acid reflux during this time period as well. My fitness levels went up and I was able to lift heavier weights without feeling as tired or having as much pain in my chest from the smoking. I was doing pretty good. Eventually, the girl from the story I had in part 6 of my nervous breakdown series was a factor in my relapsing on my habit. I remember being quite arrogant during this time period as well.
I was not as physically active during the time period after I relapsed and I noticed that the headaches and dizziness weren't that severe either. I was able to make the connection there that working out and smoking has a drastic effect on your body. Sure working out makes you feel great about your own body, but the two lifestyle factors were working against eachother in a very harmful way. I also noticed that I was more likely to get heartburn from smoking.
So the point of this blog was simple. I understand everyone is different and each person can handle these kind of things differently from the next person. I am still a smoker today and I would advise people that like being physically fit that aren't smoking to never try it or if you had quit to never start again. What I told you is that smoking and physical fitness does not mix well. You may be fine at first, but the more intense you go with your workout routines, the more likely you will have your smoking habit and workout habits work against eachother in a harmful way. This is what I noticed as a 10-12 cigarettes a day type of smoker.
Saturday, 25 August 2012
Monday, 20 August 2012
Why so Superficial? Where is the connection?
For those who may not understand what I mean by the title, I live in Canada. The culture over here is based off more fear than what a typical Aspie has. It is actually quite sad to say it. I know a lot may disagree with me, but everyone likes to judge a book by it's cover, so first impressions are so very crucial. That is just one point that will not be discussed much further. For me, superficial means being polite and nice to people without having to show any respect whatsoever, and without establishing any sort of emotional connection. It is also based off a bunch of silly guidelines that people give us on how to communicate with people in the real world. It is quite depressing to think about it.
Before I go any further, I would like to state that there are many people that find Aspies to be the most superficial of all. I will explain the reason for this differs to each person with Asperger's Syndrome. But I think the biggest culprit for Aspie superficial behaviour is because they have problems establishing an emotional connection with others. I will argue to the death that there are people out there that try and probably need a lot more work in order to establish such connections. For me, I believe my superficial behaviour comes from the fact that I tried to establish emotional connections with the wrong people in the past and I have built a certain degree of anxiety because of that.
I have talked to someone (an NT) recently through some messages about her experience in North America in the last couple years. She is from Europe and stated the differences to me about the difference in culture in her country and in the United States. It did get me thinking about how Canadians are not too different in terms of how people get a long with eachother. The key differences I remember being brought up in the back and forth instant messaging was how the way people communicate over here is considered rude in her country. She gave the example of how she would have conversations with people in public places and it actually sounded like a good talk between the two. She did not mention whether she felt there was a connection between her and the person she was talking to, but mentioned that the other did not ask for contact information so that they could communicate with eachother again. The next time she would see this person, this other person would act like a best friend. This is superficial in her eyes from what I interpreted. She did not point out if this was an Aspie thing or an NT thing, so I will assume for the purposes of this blog that both types of people do it since I have seen it.
Of course on another note, she pointed out that people were very superficial in the way they communicate with eachother. She pointed out how everyone is trained to say to eachother "Hey, how are you?" and the response is supposed to be "Good, and you?" This leaves pretty much no opportunity for small talk as I have witnessed myself (and done). It is an awkward way to start a conversation as well if that is the response you get to such a question. It often gives off the impression that the person answering the question does not want to speak at all. Not sure if this is superficial, or fear that people have. NT's do the same thing with eachother and the subtlety is picked up much easier by them than it is by me.
The difference in culture when it comes to getting one person's phone number was also brought up. Over in her culture, it is considered rude not to call or text right away, she understands people are busy, but the point is to call or text if you want people to believe you are interested. She gave her number out to a person and they didn't call for a couple days. Over here, I noticed this myself and was kind of reminded of it, that people over here like to play games with eachother. I don't get why, but I don't find much fun in chasing after people. You either want me around or you don't, I hate guessing. Going back on the receiving one's number here, we hear all sorts of strange opinions on when a person should call: must wait 24 hours, 2 days, etc. Why must things be so complicated? Because everybody to a degree has been trained to be superficial and play games. Another reason is because everyone is so afraid to make a connection, and it is not just an Aspie or NT thing either. Everyone can be quite superficial at times.
But of course now, this opinion came from a woman who visited North America for a couple years. The most important thing here to consider is that if she pointed out how superficial people really are, then I can assure you that others in North America have probably noticed it too. Women over here have always complained about the lack of respect that men give them, and it is simple reasons such as what I stated above has happened to them. It is not because someone wanted to sleep with them, or because someone was nice to them. It really is that simple. How many missed opportunities men have because they were afraid or rejection or followed some silly guideline that they heard from a friend who knows absolutely nothing, or from some expert that says "Do this, not that"? Of course, I should not put the blame on one particular gender, or race. If a person is trained to be superficial in how they relate to and communicate with other people, the ability to establish emotional connections with other humans will be severely limited. And yes, there are women who do some of these same things and I understand that it works both ways.
You also have to wonder why people listen so carefully to what others think. I remember we have this thing in our body called "animal instinct." The animal instinct is primarily used for survival and reproduction (my opinion, bare with me). This is also part of the natural fight vs flight responses of a human being (listen to your brain, you will run). Here are some important questions to answer as well: How do you expect to make connections with others if you never follow your instinct? Why do you have to listen to what others think? Why listen to an expert who tells yo to do this, and not that when it comes to guidelines about when to talk to someone? Why are you so afraid?
Before I go any further, I would like to state that there are many people that find Aspies to be the most superficial of all. I will explain the reason for this differs to each person with Asperger's Syndrome. But I think the biggest culprit for Aspie superficial behaviour is because they have problems establishing an emotional connection with others. I will argue to the death that there are people out there that try and probably need a lot more work in order to establish such connections. For me, I believe my superficial behaviour comes from the fact that I tried to establish emotional connections with the wrong people in the past and I have built a certain degree of anxiety because of that.
I have talked to someone (an NT) recently through some messages about her experience in North America in the last couple years. She is from Europe and stated the differences to me about the difference in culture in her country and in the United States. It did get me thinking about how Canadians are not too different in terms of how people get a long with eachother. The key differences I remember being brought up in the back and forth instant messaging was how the way people communicate over here is considered rude in her country. She gave the example of how she would have conversations with people in public places and it actually sounded like a good talk between the two. She did not mention whether she felt there was a connection between her and the person she was talking to, but mentioned that the other did not ask for contact information so that they could communicate with eachother again. The next time she would see this person, this other person would act like a best friend. This is superficial in her eyes from what I interpreted. She did not point out if this was an Aspie thing or an NT thing, so I will assume for the purposes of this blog that both types of people do it since I have seen it.
Of course on another note, she pointed out that people were very superficial in the way they communicate with eachother. She pointed out how everyone is trained to say to eachother "Hey, how are you?" and the response is supposed to be "Good, and you?" This leaves pretty much no opportunity for small talk as I have witnessed myself (and done). It is an awkward way to start a conversation as well if that is the response you get to such a question. It often gives off the impression that the person answering the question does not want to speak at all. Not sure if this is superficial, or fear that people have. NT's do the same thing with eachother and the subtlety is picked up much easier by them than it is by me.
The difference in culture when it comes to getting one person's phone number was also brought up. Over in her culture, it is considered rude not to call or text right away, she understands people are busy, but the point is to call or text if you want people to believe you are interested. She gave her number out to a person and they didn't call for a couple days. Over here, I noticed this myself and was kind of reminded of it, that people over here like to play games with eachother. I don't get why, but I don't find much fun in chasing after people. You either want me around or you don't, I hate guessing. Going back on the receiving one's number here, we hear all sorts of strange opinions on when a person should call: must wait 24 hours, 2 days, etc. Why must things be so complicated? Because everybody to a degree has been trained to be superficial and play games. Another reason is because everyone is so afraid to make a connection, and it is not just an Aspie or NT thing either. Everyone can be quite superficial at times.
But of course now, this opinion came from a woman who visited North America for a couple years. The most important thing here to consider is that if she pointed out how superficial people really are, then I can assure you that others in North America have probably noticed it too. Women over here have always complained about the lack of respect that men give them, and it is simple reasons such as what I stated above has happened to them. It is not because someone wanted to sleep with them, or because someone was nice to them. It really is that simple. How many missed opportunities men have because they were afraid or rejection or followed some silly guideline that they heard from a friend who knows absolutely nothing, or from some expert that says "Do this, not that"? Of course, I should not put the blame on one particular gender, or race. If a person is trained to be superficial in how they relate to and communicate with other people, the ability to establish emotional connections with other humans will be severely limited. And yes, there are women who do some of these same things and I understand that it works both ways.
You also have to wonder why people listen so carefully to what others think. I remember we have this thing in our body called "animal instinct." The animal instinct is primarily used for survival and reproduction (my opinion, bare with me). This is also part of the natural fight vs flight responses of a human being (listen to your brain, you will run). Here are some important questions to answer as well: How do you expect to make connections with others if you never follow your instinct? Why do you have to listen to what others think? Why listen to an expert who tells yo to do this, and not that when it comes to guidelines about when to talk to someone? Why are you so afraid?
Friday, 20 July 2012
Aspie sense of morals?
Growing up, I found that I was raised off a set of morals that were kind of set up by my parents, some direct, some indirect. Some of these morals were about smoking, drinking, drug use, sex, among other things. I have read through some of these forums on wrongplanet.net, and I am not surprised to see a strong sense of morals from other Aspies and people with autism. I just had a thought that since I did break some of my own moral rules, and others still have not been broken, what are your moral rules?
That is the question I will pose to the forum some day. I have thought about it doing it now, but ultimately decided to leave it for a blog posting for now.
1. Don't drink alcohol in excessive amounts, keep it moderate if you do choose to drink (broken this rule several times)
2. Don't have sex outside of a loving and committed relationship, drunken one night stands are unacceptable (broken this rule of course)
3. Never smoke cigarettes (like father, like son- rule broken. He did quit over 20 years ago, but I was still old enough to remember seeing him do it)
4. Never do drugs, not even marijuana. It is morally wrong and unacceptable (broken the rule, cannabis and hash oil only)
5. Never get addicted to anything (Broken, addicted to nicotine, on and off again addiction with sugar, was once addicted to caffeine, was once addicted to cannabis. No matter what anyone says, you can get addicted to cannabis. Trying smoking that stuff everyday for a while and then quit. It is tough, but not as tough as cigarettes.)
6. Never hit a woman, ever (Never broke this rule)
7. Never commit a crime that you will get sent to jail for (on a technicality, rule is not broken since I have never been arrested or been charged with a crime)
8. Do unto others as they do unto you/Treat others as you wish to be treated (Sometimes broken, depending on the person. For the most part, I am faithful to this rule).
9. Love and respect your family and close friends (I think I am safe on this one)
10. Always remember to love and respect yourself and accept who you are and where you came from. With this, you will know where you are going. (Broken this rule, but unlike other rules, this broken rule is not necessarily always my fault).
That is the question I will pose to the forum some day. I have thought about it doing it now, but ultimately decided to leave it for a blog posting for now.
1. Don't drink alcohol in excessive amounts, keep it moderate if you do choose to drink (broken this rule several times)
2. Don't have sex outside of a loving and committed relationship, drunken one night stands are unacceptable (broken this rule of course)
3. Never smoke cigarettes (like father, like son- rule broken. He did quit over 20 years ago, but I was still old enough to remember seeing him do it)
4. Never do drugs, not even marijuana. It is morally wrong and unacceptable (broken the rule, cannabis and hash oil only)
5. Never get addicted to anything (Broken, addicted to nicotine, on and off again addiction with sugar, was once addicted to caffeine, was once addicted to cannabis. No matter what anyone says, you can get addicted to cannabis. Trying smoking that stuff everyday for a while and then quit. It is tough, but not as tough as cigarettes.)
6. Never hit a woman, ever (Never broke this rule)
7. Never commit a crime that you will get sent to jail for (on a technicality, rule is not broken since I have never been arrested or been charged with a crime)
8. Do unto others as they do unto you/Treat others as you wish to be treated (Sometimes broken, depending on the person. For the most part, I am faithful to this rule).
9. Love and respect your family and close friends (I think I am safe on this one)
10. Always remember to love and respect yourself and accept who you are and where you came from. With this, you will know where you are going. (Broken this rule, but unlike other rules, this broken rule is not necessarily always my fault).
Sunday, 15 July 2012
Bullying.
I did feel that for the most part growing up, that I was always a victim of bullying. I got physically bullied up until grade 6, but realized that since I was so big compared to everyone else in my classes that I might as well use my size to my advantage. Didn't get physically bullied after that, but emotionally I was still easy to pick on. Sometimes someone crossed the line and I cleaned their clock. They didn't try it again. However, I got labelled a violent kid as a result and other people would bully me, emotionally, for that reason. My emotional meltdowns at school usually included some strange threats and people running away in fear. My parents would then keep me at home for a couple days. I did get involved in school sports throughout both elementary and high schools, and was usually one of the first picked because of my athletic abilities. People only used me when they could benefit from doing so.
High school was similar to a degree, but a lot of people left me alone due to fear of what I might do if they angered me. There were those who did not have fear and did try to physically and emotionally bully me during gym classes and lunch time games. I stood up for myself quite well I thought, but people tried to tell me that "You will get your butt kicked if you think you can take me out. You got no one supporting you, I got the whole school." I tested that theory with one person, and everyone felt he deserved it and didn't back him up. I was left alone for a while, then it continued. Part of the reason I was bullied was because I did not play high school football, and I was pressured heavily by the players and coaches due to my size and pent up anger. I played soccer instead and the soccer players got little respect from the other sports teams in the school, especially the football players. Throughout school, I was used to girls saying about me "he is gross/ugly/creepy/weird." I also had to deal with new students at school saying to me "Why is she/he telling me not to talk to you?"
I got to college and did find people more accepting. At first, one classmate invited me out for a double date, but I apparently offended my date and he would not tell me how. I stopped communicating with him shortly after. Other people within our group eventually pushed him out and we all kind of pushed each other away after as well. I did find people were more open to communicating with me if they bumped into me. Then I hit a minor depression again and snapped out of it and started to take fitness and nutrition more seriously. I still had my friends, but I had not communicated with them after college was done.
Now I am past college experience and in the work world in a different city. I don't hang out with anyone I work with, and usually stick with familiar faces that moved here as well. I am also more prone to hang out with roommates and neighbours. I have not been bullied at all at work, but I usually don't get invited to hang out with co-workers outside of work. I find that people don't usually come to talk to me, or sit with me either. I initiate most of the conversations I have others. I don't really fit in at work and I think that is what causes my depression now.
Now after tall this, the thing I hate most about what I have said is that it had been all repressed until a couple months back when I hit another period of depression. Now I realize just how deep things went for me because everything I did my best to forget about it is coming back to the surface.
High school was similar to a degree, but a lot of people left me alone due to fear of what I might do if they angered me. There were those who did not have fear and did try to physically and emotionally bully me during gym classes and lunch time games. I stood up for myself quite well I thought, but people tried to tell me that "You will get your butt kicked if you think you can take me out. You got no one supporting you, I got the whole school." I tested that theory with one person, and everyone felt he deserved it and didn't back him up. I was left alone for a while, then it continued. Part of the reason I was bullied was because I did not play high school football, and I was pressured heavily by the players and coaches due to my size and pent up anger. I played soccer instead and the soccer players got little respect from the other sports teams in the school, especially the football players. Throughout school, I was used to girls saying about me "he is gross/ugly/creepy/weird." I also had to deal with new students at school saying to me "Why is she/he telling me not to talk to you?"
I got to college and did find people more accepting. At first, one classmate invited me out for a double date, but I apparently offended my date and he would not tell me how. I stopped communicating with him shortly after. Other people within our group eventually pushed him out and we all kind of pushed each other away after as well. I did find people were more open to communicating with me if they bumped into me. Then I hit a minor depression again and snapped out of it and started to take fitness and nutrition more seriously. I still had my friends, but I had not communicated with them after college was done.
Now I am past college experience and in the work world in a different city. I don't hang out with anyone I work with, and usually stick with familiar faces that moved here as well. I am also more prone to hang out with roommates and neighbours. I have not been bullied at all at work, but I usually don't get invited to hang out with co-workers outside of work. I find that people don't usually come to talk to me, or sit with me either. I initiate most of the conversations I have others. I don't really fit in at work and I think that is what causes my depression now.
Now after tall this, the thing I hate most about what I have said is that it had been all repressed until a couple months back when I hit another period of depression. Now I realize just how deep things went for me because everything I did my best to forget about it is coming back to the surface.
Tuesday, 3 July 2012
Is Asperger's Syndrome noticeable?
For those who have Asperger's Syndrome, it may or may not be noticeable to other people. I wish I really knew how to explain this well, but I will do my best.
I got friends, family and co-workers and some acquaintances that know that I am an Aspie. Some people I will allude to the fact that I do have it without actually being direct and upfront about it. Like I have said in a previous post, we cannot live by the label of it if we don't want other people to label us however they want. There is very little understanding of what Autism or Asperger's Syndrome is, but I will do my best to explain that another time and give my own opinion on that subject.
For many of my closer friends, and yes I do know now that they do exist, they remember what I was like when I was younger. The ones that were there with me in my childhood saw the lack of self-esteem growing up, and the lack of eye contact. They saw a person that was easy to manipulate and tease and get going. What they also saw and this is most important, they also saw a guy that could not read social cues very well. I still have the problem of reading social cues properly, but I usually understand when people are making a joke or when people seem upset. I can read some body language too, so I know that I can use that to my advantage as well to know when to back off someone or not.
There were also people around me in school that saw me get harassed. It happened at home too since that is where it seemed to have started, but I think it happened more at school. I did get bullied a lot growing up and I have retaliated in the same manner to some people. It is not something to be proud of, but I do know that I wanted people to leave me alone. The harassment and bullying from what I have learned about myself growing up has caused me to become more guarded and it appears that new people coming into my life see this. This may have been the real root of my problem to establish and maintain new relationships with people. But when does one know when to keep their guard up and when to drop it. That is why I like meeting friends through other friends since I am already more relaxed in the company of familiar people. This helps me out big time.
New people in my life as I have already stated see that I am pretty guarded since they may be able to pick that up in my body language or through verbal communication. What they don't see is the mannerisms of a person who has Asperger's Syndrome. A big reason why is because most don't know what it is. Those who do know what it is or have an understanding usually would not have a clue. I think a big reason why is I have worked pretty hard on becoming normal throughout the course of my life. I can carry on a normal conversation with friends and I know when to keep quiet. When in a situation where I think i am on a date, I have no clue how to interact with people. I did not initially have problems with going out on dates. I think it is because I have had bad dating experiences is why I have no clue how to interact with a person while out on a date. I find it especially hard when doing online dating through a website like Plentyoffish for example.
My experience with online dating is even worse because the first few people I have met badly misrepresented themselves either through lying on their profiles or through misleading profile photos (photos don't match the actual person). There are also the number of people that justify standing up their dates. For that reason I have problems with Plentyoffish and come across more guarded there than I do with people I meet in person. There have been people since that did not lie or misrepresent themselves. The problem there is it did not work out (pretty easy to accept, especially when communicated), or I just never gave the person a chance after the first date. However, the common thing I have noticed through these dates were that the other person was scared of my body language or had problems reading it. This is how I knew that I had to come across as more relaxed or at least try and communicate this through eye contact and body language.
Despite all of these situations I have been in life, not one person knows for sure that I do have Asperger's Syndrome. I seem to act very normal but have the odd comment that comes out of my mouth (or touchpad/keyboard) every here and there. I am a very self-aware Aspie who knows that he has to do his best to fake his emotions when necessary as well. I know I have to be relaxed in social situations or I will not do very well in the long run. I also realize that I have to control my depression and OCD as well. I still don't believe in medication however, and refuse to take any.
I got friends, family and co-workers and some acquaintances that know that I am an Aspie. Some people I will allude to the fact that I do have it without actually being direct and upfront about it. Like I have said in a previous post, we cannot live by the label of it if we don't want other people to label us however they want. There is very little understanding of what Autism or Asperger's Syndrome is, but I will do my best to explain that another time and give my own opinion on that subject.
For many of my closer friends, and yes I do know now that they do exist, they remember what I was like when I was younger. The ones that were there with me in my childhood saw the lack of self-esteem growing up, and the lack of eye contact. They saw a person that was easy to manipulate and tease and get going. What they also saw and this is most important, they also saw a guy that could not read social cues very well. I still have the problem of reading social cues properly, but I usually understand when people are making a joke or when people seem upset. I can read some body language too, so I know that I can use that to my advantage as well to know when to back off someone or not.
There were also people around me in school that saw me get harassed. It happened at home too since that is where it seemed to have started, but I think it happened more at school. I did get bullied a lot growing up and I have retaliated in the same manner to some people. It is not something to be proud of, but I do know that I wanted people to leave me alone. The harassment and bullying from what I have learned about myself growing up has caused me to become more guarded and it appears that new people coming into my life see this. This may have been the real root of my problem to establish and maintain new relationships with people. But when does one know when to keep their guard up and when to drop it. That is why I like meeting friends through other friends since I am already more relaxed in the company of familiar people. This helps me out big time.
New people in my life as I have already stated see that I am pretty guarded since they may be able to pick that up in my body language or through verbal communication. What they don't see is the mannerisms of a person who has Asperger's Syndrome. A big reason why is because most don't know what it is. Those who do know what it is or have an understanding usually would not have a clue. I think a big reason why is I have worked pretty hard on becoming normal throughout the course of my life. I can carry on a normal conversation with friends and I know when to keep quiet. When in a situation where I think i am on a date, I have no clue how to interact with people. I did not initially have problems with going out on dates. I think it is because I have had bad dating experiences is why I have no clue how to interact with a person while out on a date. I find it especially hard when doing online dating through a website like Plentyoffish for example.
My experience with online dating is even worse because the first few people I have met badly misrepresented themselves either through lying on their profiles or through misleading profile photos (photos don't match the actual person). There are also the number of people that justify standing up their dates. For that reason I have problems with Plentyoffish and come across more guarded there than I do with people I meet in person. There have been people since that did not lie or misrepresent themselves. The problem there is it did not work out (pretty easy to accept, especially when communicated), or I just never gave the person a chance after the first date. However, the common thing I have noticed through these dates were that the other person was scared of my body language or had problems reading it. This is how I knew that I had to come across as more relaxed or at least try and communicate this through eye contact and body language.
Despite all of these situations I have been in life, not one person knows for sure that I do have Asperger's Syndrome. I seem to act very normal but have the odd comment that comes out of my mouth (or touchpad/keyboard) every here and there. I am a very self-aware Aspie who knows that he has to do his best to fake his emotions when necessary as well. I know I have to be relaxed in social situations or I will not do very well in the long run. I also realize that I have to control my depression and OCD as well. I still don't believe in medication however, and refuse to take any.
Monday, 2 July 2012
The calm after the storm. (Breakdown number 6 included)
A little backstory as to how I got where I am now.
I have written a post about the word love and what it meant to me. It still means very little to me. Happiness is a different word, and I am starting to understand what that means. I am also starting to understand relaxation and calm feelings again. I have been there before and I am still here now. However, I still have to work on quitting smoking again. I got my fitness back on track again, I have my mind at ease again, and I enjoy my spare time when I have it.
There was another breakdown and I believe a girl problem was essential this time. I remember the girl was 19 years old and I am a few years older than her. I met her at a party on St. Patricks day, and the group of us ended up at a dance club later on in the evening. Me and her were the last two to leave so I asked for her phone number before I left to go home. We kept in touch and I finally asked her to come and hang out with me one day and she said yes. I quit smoking the day after St. Patricks day, but this girl had no influence on the decision to quit since the decision was made before I went out that night
The day came and we watched a the New York Rangers and Ottawa Senators game five playoff game at a pub. We had a couple drinks, talked and then went to play some pool for an hour. I had a good time and I thought she did too. Soon she no replied my text messages and we were supposed to go out to a movie as well. She got back to me a little while later and she repeated to no reply me again after that. I would not see her again until a friend's birthday party. I relapsed because of this stress and was not really exercising a whole lot at this point. The relapse brought the breakdown on and I remember punching the wall in my bathroom. I also had stitches on my chin from a cut I gave myself around this time, but that is a different story and it was an accident, not an attempt at suicide.
At this friend's birthday party, I saw her come in about two hours after I did and she acknowledged me. I acknowledged her back. Throughout the night we did engage in some small talk, but I think it was obvious that I was not myself now and she saw the smoking habit had come back. I noticed that she was a smoker now too. I think she may have hit her downfall around this time and had some issues. She finally admitted to not having gotten over an ex boyfriend. I also noticed the way she was flirting with another guy and I eventually told her when I had a second with her alone that I did find her attractive and told her why. Unfortunately it sounded like I liked her. She seemed to have repeated the sentiment right back to me, but eventually went back inside to talk with the other guy she had been flirting with earlier.
She did eventually go to lie down and at that point I decided to say goodbye to her. She decided to get up and hug me, and eye contact was made and she kissed me. I kissed her back and this went on for a minute before she said she could not do anymore because she felt too drunk. I let her go and went outside and was ready to leave. She eventually decided to walk her brother out and her flirty new boy friend followed shortly after that. She came back up alone and said she was leaving with her brother but indicated at the same time she was going home with her new boy friend. Even I could see past this lie. I said bye to her again and we kissed again for some reason.
The next day I asked her if she still wanted to hang out sometime. The response I got was "Yeah, that sounds good. But I work 70 hours this week with no days off and I will get back to you when I see my schedule later." Why i even asked considering what happened the night before was foolish. Even talking to her seemed foolish now. Now I had to move on, and this was going to suck because I made the same mistake I had made many years before and promised not to make again. I removed the girl from all of my contact lists including facebook. If I was going to feel good in the long run, this was necessary.
I had a vacation coming up in June. Between the events that happened on this weekend and my vacation, I had to wait three weeks. I was at a low point and feeling even more depressed, but found myself thinking less of the girl as weeks went on. The problem now was the intense isolation and the obsessive writing I was doing. I had some dark thoughts on my mind and I was writing a story that went a long with a certain time period of my life, but I made it much darker than it really was. I did know that there had to be a satisfying ending to the story as well. I accomplished that and may choose to release the book through Amazon at one point. The second story is still ongoing and parts of third story have been written. I will give more details another time.
I finally got my week off and decided to drive back home to visit friends and family for the week. I got back home on the Friday evening and I still had not been to the gym in a while and had not done any running either. I knew I had lots of work to do to get back in to shape again. I at least ate well enough during my time away from the gym, but also found myself smoking more. I checked my weight and my parents place and noticed I dropped 15 lbs. The first Saturday I went out for a run. The Sunday I hung out with some friends as I did on Monday and Tuesday as well. I did not hit the gym again until the Tuesday and Wednesday of that week. By the time Wednesday rolled around I got bored at home and got the impression that my friends back at home would be busy for the rest of the week. I left and got back to to where I live on Thursday evening and contemplated showing up to work the next day before deciding not too. I did another workout and went out with some friends on the Friday night.
Since I got back from vacation, I have kept myself busy more often than not and enjoyed my spare time. I have been hanging out with some friends more often, but I have found myself to be a little more guarded than normal. I have met some new friends but find that I don't want to get too far ahead of myself either. I have found a couple new women that I have had some mild interest in, but feel some self-fulfilling prophetic attitude towards actually ever asking anyone out. Now I know that I have to work on this in order to get what I want.
I have written a post about the word love and what it meant to me. It still means very little to me. Happiness is a different word, and I am starting to understand what that means. I am also starting to understand relaxation and calm feelings again. I have been there before and I am still here now. However, I still have to work on quitting smoking again. I got my fitness back on track again, I have my mind at ease again, and I enjoy my spare time when I have it.
There was another breakdown and I believe a girl problem was essential this time. I remember the girl was 19 years old and I am a few years older than her. I met her at a party on St. Patricks day, and the group of us ended up at a dance club later on in the evening. Me and her were the last two to leave so I asked for her phone number before I left to go home. We kept in touch and I finally asked her to come and hang out with me one day and she said yes. I quit smoking the day after St. Patricks day, but this girl had no influence on the decision to quit since the decision was made before I went out that night
The day came and we watched a the New York Rangers and Ottawa Senators game five playoff game at a pub. We had a couple drinks, talked and then went to play some pool for an hour. I had a good time and I thought she did too. Soon she no replied my text messages and we were supposed to go out to a movie as well. She got back to me a little while later and she repeated to no reply me again after that. I would not see her again until a friend's birthday party. I relapsed because of this stress and was not really exercising a whole lot at this point. The relapse brought the breakdown on and I remember punching the wall in my bathroom. I also had stitches on my chin from a cut I gave myself around this time, but that is a different story and it was an accident, not an attempt at suicide.
At this friend's birthday party, I saw her come in about two hours after I did and she acknowledged me. I acknowledged her back. Throughout the night we did engage in some small talk, but I think it was obvious that I was not myself now and she saw the smoking habit had come back. I noticed that she was a smoker now too. I think she may have hit her downfall around this time and had some issues. She finally admitted to not having gotten over an ex boyfriend. I also noticed the way she was flirting with another guy and I eventually told her when I had a second with her alone that I did find her attractive and told her why. Unfortunately it sounded like I liked her. She seemed to have repeated the sentiment right back to me, but eventually went back inside to talk with the other guy she had been flirting with earlier.
She did eventually go to lie down and at that point I decided to say goodbye to her. She decided to get up and hug me, and eye contact was made and she kissed me. I kissed her back and this went on for a minute before she said she could not do anymore because she felt too drunk. I let her go and went outside and was ready to leave. She eventually decided to walk her brother out and her flirty new boy friend followed shortly after that. She came back up alone and said she was leaving with her brother but indicated at the same time she was going home with her new boy friend. Even I could see past this lie. I said bye to her again and we kissed again for some reason.
The next day I asked her if she still wanted to hang out sometime. The response I got was "Yeah, that sounds good. But I work 70 hours this week with no days off and I will get back to you when I see my schedule later." Why i even asked considering what happened the night before was foolish. Even talking to her seemed foolish now. Now I had to move on, and this was going to suck because I made the same mistake I had made many years before and promised not to make again. I removed the girl from all of my contact lists including facebook. If I was going to feel good in the long run, this was necessary.
I had a vacation coming up in June. Between the events that happened on this weekend and my vacation, I had to wait three weeks. I was at a low point and feeling even more depressed, but found myself thinking less of the girl as weeks went on. The problem now was the intense isolation and the obsessive writing I was doing. I had some dark thoughts on my mind and I was writing a story that went a long with a certain time period of my life, but I made it much darker than it really was. I did know that there had to be a satisfying ending to the story as well. I accomplished that and may choose to release the book through Amazon at one point. The second story is still ongoing and parts of third story have been written. I will give more details another time.
I finally got my week off and decided to drive back home to visit friends and family for the week. I got back home on the Friday evening and I still had not been to the gym in a while and had not done any running either. I knew I had lots of work to do to get back in to shape again. I at least ate well enough during my time away from the gym, but also found myself smoking more. I checked my weight and my parents place and noticed I dropped 15 lbs. The first Saturday I went out for a run. The Sunday I hung out with some friends as I did on Monday and Tuesday as well. I did not hit the gym again until the Tuesday and Wednesday of that week. By the time Wednesday rolled around I got bored at home and got the impression that my friends back at home would be busy for the rest of the week. I left and got back to to where I live on Thursday evening and contemplated showing up to work the next day before deciding not too. I did another workout and went out with some friends on the Friday night.
Since I got back from vacation, I have kept myself busy more often than not and enjoyed my spare time. I have been hanging out with some friends more often, but I have found myself to be a little more guarded than normal. I have met some new friends but find that I don't want to get too far ahead of myself either. I have found a couple new women that I have had some mild interest in, but feel some self-fulfilling prophetic attitude towards actually ever asking anyone out. Now I know that I have to work on this in order to get what I want.
Thursday, 31 May 2012
The word 'love' and what does it really mean anyway?
This is probably one of the more emotional topics I think I will ever write about. I spent the last couple weeks away from this blogging because I am writing a story that is pretty much based on my life when I was 22 years old and the struggles I went through for self-acceptance at that moment in time. As I am writing, I am starting to feel that the book is lacking any real emotion. Might be a common thing for Apsies, but I don't know that for sure.
Love is a word and I know that for sure. What does it really mean though? I am not certain that I have ever truly and properly used that word in an emotional context. I have used that word and may have treated it like an idea or word rather than what it is actually is. I know I have never used that word to describe how I feel about my friends. The reason why is because I don't think I feel that close to anyone of my friends to actually say the words and mean it.
My family on the other hand, I can't remember the last time I have ever expressed how I truly felt about them. I don't know for sure how I am viewed by my own family. I talk to my parents at least once a week. I almost never talk to my only brother. I usually don't speak to relatives unless I am visiting my parents. I guess it is safe to say that my inability to be close to others really runs that deep. When I think about it, I never used the words "I love you" to my parents, or any other family member in a long time. I see and hear my friends say that to their parents all the time.
The most important part is how I really feel about myself. My feelings about myself change all the time, and that is where the problem lies. One week i love myself, and the next week not so much. I can't blame myself for things out of my control, but I do anyways and that leads me to feeling more upset with myself. Eventually, I get over what upset me and move on. I don't know for sure why that happens. I do know that I have a history of depression and I always put a lot of pressure on myself. I also seem to believe that people don't like me for what I am either and that probably isn't true either. I do think people are scared by their inability to read me, and don't know when to take me serious or not.
For the reasons above, my feelings for me is what makes people run away. It is also the reason why people don't hear from me that often. I simply don't want people to see me for who I really am. The reason why, is maybe because I still have a long road to finding true self-acceptance and self-love. Forget Aspergers Syndrome and forget depression, and forget obsessive compulsive disorder. Those words should no longer have anything to do with who I am. In my own mind, I need to make myself a person and not just an idea.
Love is a word and I know that for sure. What does it really mean though? I am not certain that I have ever truly and properly used that word in an emotional context. I have used that word and may have treated it like an idea or word rather than what it is actually is. I know I have never used that word to describe how I feel about my friends. The reason why is because I don't think I feel that close to anyone of my friends to actually say the words and mean it.
My family on the other hand, I can't remember the last time I have ever expressed how I truly felt about them. I don't know for sure how I am viewed by my own family. I talk to my parents at least once a week. I almost never talk to my only brother. I usually don't speak to relatives unless I am visiting my parents. I guess it is safe to say that my inability to be close to others really runs that deep. When I think about it, I never used the words "I love you" to my parents, or any other family member in a long time. I see and hear my friends say that to their parents all the time.
The most important part is how I really feel about myself. My feelings about myself change all the time, and that is where the problem lies. One week i love myself, and the next week not so much. I can't blame myself for things out of my control, but I do anyways and that leads me to feeling more upset with myself. Eventually, I get over what upset me and move on. I don't know for sure why that happens. I do know that I have a history of depression and I always put a lot of pressure on myself. I also seem to believe that people don't like me for what I am either and that probably isn't true either. I do think people are scared by their inability to read me, and don't know when to take me serious or not.
For the reasons above, my feelings for me is what makes people run away. It is also the reason why people don't hear from me that often. I simply don't want people to see me for who I really am. The reason why, is maybe because I still have a long road to finding true self-acceptance and self-love. Forget Aspergers Syndrome and forget depression, and forget obsessive compulsive disorder. Those words should no longer have anything to do with who I am. In my own mind, I need to make myself a person and not just an idea.
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