Alcohol, Smoking and other bad habits and their effects on your physical and mental health.

I wrote the following below around May or June.  Looking at what I had written, and what I had gone through this year, the list below seems to ring some truth to it.  I don't think I was bullshitting at all after reading through it.

This goes without saying that this blog is more or less for everybody and not just those with Aspergers Syndrome.  For those of you who do smoke and/or drink, you find that your body is not accepting the poison and you also find that your eating habits are drastically different as a result.  Because of the change in your eating habits, your hormones are now acting much differently.  Or maybe your eating habits are bad to begin with and you are not a smoker or a drinker.

Food
I remember watching "Super-size Me" recently where the document-er went and ate McDonald's everyday for a whole month and at every meal.   What we saw before that was a man who ate healthy vegan based foods, stood 6'2" (height doesn't change) weighed 185 lbs, had approximately 10% body fat and was very fit to a man who gained 27 lbs, his body fat shot up to 18%, and he became lethargic.  His girlfriend in the documentary pointed out that his sex drive decreased significantly, and his doctors and nutritionists after about 20-23 days told him to stop out of fear that he would die.  His body changed so significantly that people feared for his life.  It apparently took him 14 months on his girlfriends detox diet to bring him back down to his normal weight again.  Just think that it takes so little to jump your weight up, and how hard it is to bring your weight back down
Clearly from the above example, his hormones changed dramatically because of the foods that he ate.  He expressed that he was getting depressed as the experiment went on explaining that his serotonin level dropped significantly.  What I can see out of this was that his testosterone levels were also down if he had low sex drive.  I am unsure how it affected his oxycotin levels, but if he was suffering from low sex drive, than the usual bonding after an orgasm probably would tell me he didn't cuddle much with his girlfriend.  I am also not sure how much soy based products were used in the foods that make McDonald's foods.  If there are soy based products in all of those foods, then he clearly raised his estrogen levels which may indicate the inability to keep his muscle mass.  It is also guaranteed that his refined sugar intake went up tenfold with this diet.  The testosterone level also explains the lower muscle mass.  Since he did seem to want to drive more than walk after a while, then he clearly was suffering from a lower dopamine level as well as he was unable to seek rewards.  Releasing of endorphins also likely affected his ability to keep his serotonin levels balanced.  Now he had an amazing support circle around him for the documentary, and I as an Aspie don't always have the best support group. 

Alcohol
Alcohol is one of the most well known depressants.  A lot of alcoholic beverages contain high amounts of sugar as well as carbohydrates.  In fact the sugar is the carbohydrates and considering that beer is an alcoholic drink, it may have contained starch products from wheat or barley or hops products.  While these carbohydrates are not bad in moderation, they can lead to problems if consumed too much in one sitting or too often.  Refined sugar has the ability to get you more hooked than, and I dare say it, nicotine, and that is what is scary about the amount of sugar in these drinks.  The more sugar in your drink, the worse your hangover will be the next day.  Of course, the more you smoke the worse the hangover is as well and I know that from experience.  I honestly like to go out on occasion with friends and have a few drinks and have a good time and maybe even go out dancing.  Alcohol can relax you a little bit, but it also depresses you.  Just imagine what happens when you are dancing with a girl you feel you like, and some jerk comes along and takes your girl and she leaves the bar with that jerk.  It doesn't make you feel good at all (this situation only applies if you genuinely like the girl and you met her ahead of time and not that night)
Let's take a look at what the effects of alcohol or even the sugar has on your body during these situations.  If the drink is a depressant, the chances are your serotonin level will be decreased.  What I don't understand about it is that we still seek pleasure from drinking even when we can't get it.  Your testosterone is known to be reduced through consumption of alcohol, making sex even harder for men, and is also considered harmful for estrogen.  I don't know how people think that having sex when they are drinking is a good idea as it doesn't seem like it would be fun or pleasurable considering what the drink is doing to your hormones.  I have found that making out with people may help increase a social bond to a degree, but not enough since that may be the only time you ever see that person.  Oxytocin may be irrelevant in these scenarios unless there was a different kind of bonding going on.  Furthermore, Dopamine levels are clearly dropped since you may not really be seeking any kind of reward, but are more or less, just becoming more agreeable to suggestion.  I would figure the only thing that you may be doing is releasing some endorphins through the dancing going on.

The Evil Cigarette
Cigarettes are probably the most harmful to your health, nutrition and your physical fitness.  The strange thing is that you can do it for your whole life before it finally kills you in however many years it takes to catch up to you.  If McDonalds foods can kill a person quickly if they eat it enough times over a short period of time, try smoking a lot more than you currently do and see what happens.  When I quit smoking, I was able to run up to 5 miles without stopping compared to being barely able to squeeze out 3 miles without huffing and puffing.  I was sweating more profusely as a smoker when I was working out.  My body didn't have enough oxygen to support me when working out and my lungs and heart were telling me this.  I couldn't really increase my strength on weight lifting without my chest feeling some sort of pain and without my head feeling really dizzy.  As a smoker, you cannot try and exercise and be a smoker, your body is telling you that.  So when I relapsed and tried to go for a run, I found myself stopping after 15 minutes because it was too hard to continue.  It takes that much for smoking to ruin your fitness.  My dopamine level is clearly affected as I am unable to seek out rewards, and now my fitness standard has dropped.  Since this is depressing to me, my serotonin level has likely dropped as well.
Of course, smoking is also considered anti-social now, which is probably why I relapsed because I withdrew from a situation I perceived as not beneficial for me and isolated myself from the people that put me in that situation.  This is where my Aspie mind came into play.  I stupidly bought a pack of cigarettes because I was so depressed that I thought it would make me feel better.  It did not and my serotonin level probably dropped even further.  I felt incapable of seeking out new friends, so being able to bond with people is going to be affected through my oxytocin level.  Considering that smoking is anti-social, are the people I withdrew from going to want to bond with me now?  I don't know for sure what is going to happen.  I went from being depressed one day, to being stressed out the next day and that isn't good for any hormones.  If that isn't bad enough, I noticed that my sex drive had increased after a while when I stopped smoking.  It took a few days for it to drop again.  How lovely is that, now my testosterone levels have dropped because of this habit. 
My eating habits weren't very good, but I did notice that my overall health was horrible when I was a smoker.  Ever have problems in your chest after a meal because you smoked, or in your stomach or throat?  How bout the dizziness and headaches that you felt?  How did you feel about yourself as a person?  How was your response to pain?  Or how about your energy levels?  All of this is affected by your smoking habit.  It also depresses you when you realize you don't have money to spend because all you did was buy cigarettes when you did not need to.  And if you consume high amounts of refined sugar, the health problems are also increased with the smoking habit.  I feel almost all of my hormones are affected negatively as a smoker.  I don't know why I did it again, and I have decided to make a target date for quitting again.  I know I can do this since I did it before.

So think about your hormones when you engage in any bad habits.  Think about how your hormones would be affected by your decision making.  I think it is quite obvious that pills are not needed to help effect your hormones.

Abuse: there is no excuse for bad behaviour!!!

We have discussed this so many times in the forums at WrongPlanet.  It's appalling to hear how many NT women come into the love and dating section and tell us all stories about how the Aspie boyfriend of theirs is giving them a whole bunch of frustration.  The questions that are asked are in regards to whether the traits or scenario they are in shows their Aspie is abusive, or just displaying an Aspergers trait.
I will make it clear that I am not encouraging you to believe that everyone with Aspergers is like this.  I will not say that I never abused anyone in some sort of way either.  Yes, I have seen the occasional NT male post there about their experience with an Aspie female.  However, these scenarios are far and few between.  It is common knowledge by now that Aspie male-NT female relationships are very hard for the female to deal with.  But abuse comes in any scenario and abuse is not to be confused with Aspergers.
I just want to say this before anyone reads the scenarios below.  I am not in anyway an expert on abusers.  I just had this crazy thought cross my mind about how I would define the types of abusers I have come across.  I might actually fit into a couple of these scenarios.

Scenario #1. Insecure and frustrated "nice guy": What i read and how I feel from what I read is that there are guys who think they are nice guys.  But they are really not.  They actually have nothing to offer to anyone.  So they get pissed off when someone they call a "jerk" takes the girl and "treats her like crap"  Let the girl figure out for themselves what they want to do and offer them your heart if you really are a nice guy.  No guy has the right to refer to themselves as "nice guys".  These jerks are probably nice guys themselves and the girl probably does get hurt by them.  These "jerks" probably make it up to them if they want the girl to stay around.  These "jerks" probably have feelings.  This insecure and frustrated "nice guy" has no feelings for anyone but himself.  And the feeling this "nice guy" has is self-hatred.  This is unattractive.  Calling these girls "sluts" or "bitches" is not going to help you win a girl over. 

Scenario #2- The Sadist.  Feelings are more honest than thoughts are.  The only exception to this rule is when one is feeling pain and wants others to feel it.  Only then are feelings abusive.  Feelings are more honest than thoughts are.  So you have to do your best to remember that thoughts are sometimes best kept to yourself.  Now lets get to the abuse that comes with the feelings.
So you are dealing with a painful moment and you might be sad about this feeling.  You lash out at the people around you even though it is the person you lashed out at that you don't have the problem with.  At this moment, you have created a problem that didn't exist before.  This problem might not go away now.  The person you lashed out at will now associate you with pain and abuse, especially if the abuser wants to continue to feel this pain.  This is where relationships might end up going downhill if this behaviour is not addressed accordingly.  The abused is going to communicate that this behaviour was unacceptable.  Failure to address this will of course result in the end of the relationship and I can assure you this break will be a bad one

Scenario #3- Mr/Ms. Brutal Honesty.  Yes honesty is a good thing when it is appropriate.  But there are scenarios where it isn't.  Take for example that almost all girls have some sort of insecurity and don't like it being addressed or exposed.  Guys are like this too, but the guy that openly exposes this insecurity will immediately be dismissed as a romantic partner.  Girls on the other hand aren't dismissed based off some sense of insecurity as easily.  It's a horrible double standard, I know.  But keep this in mind.  A person who openly exposes an insecurity will likely abuse their partner based on their insecurity.  Take a look at the insecure "nice guy" for example.
Honesty.  A girl looks better in makeup compared to not wearing makeup.  She knows this and she feels insecure about it.  But telling her when she is not wearing makeup that you don't think she is hot is hurtful.  Telling her that you think she would look better if she lost a bit of weight is also abusive and makes her feel unappreciated.  It's a horrible feeling for a person to have: feeling unappreciated.  Guys, face it.  Most of you are lucky to even have the attention of a good woman.  When you have this attention, don't abuse it. Most women regardless of how they look will always get more attention than you.  Accept this and hopefully you will realize that you should treat your woman better when you have her.  The honest one obviously has no skills in manipulation (why would they?  they are too busy being honest)

Scenario #4- The control freak.  Wants you to spend all your time and energy on them.  They won't like it when you spend time with other people and try and make you feel bad for leaving them alone for extended periods of time.  The control freak will even insist on coming out with your friends as well.  The control freak wants to know where you are at all times, but they might not want to let you know where they are making this pain worse for the abused.  Most control freaks don't even have their own friends because they might actually show the traits of a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and everyone else is sick of them too. The control freak wants you to make them your life.  This depresses the abused beyond belief.  The control freak is hard person to leave if they have some kind of leverage that you don't have.

Scenario #5- The attention whore- Let's face it.  The attention whore loves getting the attention, but doesn't like giving much in return.  They abuse people based off the loving feeling given to them.  I have no explanation as to why the attention whore doesn't like giving attention in return, but my guess is they have some kind of fear of it.  The attention whore is not strong at manipulation.
You give this person attention and they like it, but you notice they never seem to reciprocate the same attention at any point.  The relationship is so one-sided (if there happens to be one) that the abused ends up feeling hurt with the lack of reciprocation.  Noone has to worry about being controlled in this scenario, but why wait for a phone call when you could just go and enjoy your life doing other things.  The attention whore has a weakness and it shows when they stop receiving attention.  However, the attention whore is likely dating others and looks for non-exclusivity from any partners.  Any committed relationship with them will have you wondering who they are out with and what they are doing when you are not with them.  This isn't healthy for you to be thinking too much.  This abuser is likely not in control of themselves either and makes themselves easy targets for a Pickup Artist.

Scenario #6- The Victim Syndrome  I am not sure what else to say about the person who thinks they are the victim.  They sound a lot like the Sadist, but the Sadist wants others to feel their pain while the victim just wants undeserved empathy.  Some victims may even want pity.  But let's be honest here about all the good people: Who wants to be pitied anyway? 
The victim of course is probably the most selfish of all abusers.  They even manipulate in a way that not even the control freak knows how.  The alleged victim is going to do all they can to make the abused feel bad about anything they do for them.  The alleged victim will always turn everything around and make it all about them.  If caught early on, it's easy to leave and see past the bullshit.  However, the further along into the relationship, the worse it gets.  The real victim is the person being abused while the other will make themselves the victim because they don't get the appreciation they feel they deserve (They likely didn't earn the affection). It's a horrible situation for the real victim to be in.  If there is anyone that will never apologize for anything, it is the alleged victim.

Scenario #7- The only interested in sex Pickup Artist (PUA).  The only thing that matters to the majority PUA's is sex.  The difference between the PUA and the attention whore is the attention whore may not be as interested in sex.  The pain and abuse they cause is only temporary anyway.  After all, they just want to have sex because it makes them feel better.  Of all people on this list though, the PUA is the most likely to change because they realize they can't do this forever.  It is easy to see past the bullshit of a PUA for most women.  However, most PUAs are usually targeting a weak spot and they do take advantage of it.  The PUA knows how to manipulate.  PUA's may or may not target women who are involved with another man.
The reason it is easy to fall for a PUA is because they know how to present themselves as fun loving, carefree and confident.  They know how to get women to sleep with them.  The reason they change is they find someone they actually like and do everything to keep this person around.  So of course, the pain a PUA may cause is usually only temporary.  But the list of people the PUA has slept with is probably a long one.  There are some PUA's that can't break the cycle though and are stuck being alone and looking for sex for their whole lives.  But of all people on this list, they know what they want more than any other abuser does.  And they accept that they will hurt people along the way.

Don't mistake bad behaviour for Aspergers.  These types of people exist regardless of some disorder or illness.  It may be the nature of the person's personality, and this personality needs to be worked on.

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle vs Aspiemike's mind (Part 1)

The first few pages on the Power of Now.  I feel I have been told that thinking too much is a disease.  Therefore I should feel that Aspergers itself is a disease. The other part of me feels that it's part of who I am.  

Aspergers in its whole is high intelligence acquired by raising your knowledge of subjects that interest the individual that has Aspergers.  The desire to increase your intelligence may cause others to feel that you are arrogant, rude and disrespectful of others feelings.  The desire for intelligence causes one to isolate themselves rather than to try and seek out connections with other human beings.  Funny thing is I currently feel no desire to become more intelligent. What I feel compelled to do is become more adaptable.

Happiness can manifest itself in isolation, but needs to be felt through human interaction.  This is a feeling that everyone strives for.  I can’t speak on behalf of everyone, but this thought/feeling may hold some truth to it. 

While intelligence turns on the women I have met at first, it feels very disturbing to them when your mind can't be turned off.  Everyone just wants to be felt, especially the women I have met.  I am starting to see why I failed in many attempts to form friendships and possibly establish relationships with women.  The Aspie male truly wants to be felt, but his mind is not letting this happen.  Everyone else can see this about the Aspie male, but the Aspie male’s mind is creating too much of a conflict within himself.  The Aspie mind then tries to make this conflict within his mind and turn it into a conflict with the people they are with.  The mind creates a self-fulfilling prophecy and causes a path of self-destruction.  This itself was the disease. 

The social aspect was the disorder since it is based off feelings and words and therefore has no cure.  The social interactions can only be improved.  Isolation is then needed to recharge the batteries since social interaction can be very tiring even for the most normal thinking people.

The social aspect is really where a person can make themselves feel good.  Feeling good allows others to come in and feel good with you.  It is a vibe that you give off that makes people want to stay around.  If you are thinking too much in a social situation, you will give off a bad vibe.  People will tell you to “go with the flow.”  What they really mean by that is that you are thinking too much and worrying about any possible consequences to your actions/words/body language/etc.  What they want to see is a person that really doesn’t care.  The Aspie male’s problem here is that he cares too much.  The Aspie male is too self-conscious.  The Aspie male has a conflict going on in his mind.  The mind is interfering with his ability to feel.

You know, this doesn’t just apply to Aspergers Syndrome itself.  This applies to everyone.  Each and everyone of us always has these kind of issues.  The Aspergers mind likes to have you think for longer and prolong the conflict within.  This itself is the disease.  This is why we are supposed to be getting help.

My thoughts and feelings on the Connecticut school shooting.

Here is the link:http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/15/nyregion/adam-lanza-an-enigma-who-is-now-identified-as-a-mass-killer.html?_r=0

December 15- This first paragraph I am adding now.  The rest below was written last night.  I just want to make sure that everyone knows that I don't condone the actions of this young man in Connecticut.  I feel horrible that someone could even do such a thing.  I want to make it very clear that killing is not an option in this world and there are no rewards for it.  There is definitely no reward for suicide either.  This kind of event brought out some bad feelings in me, just like it did for everyone else.  Of course, my condolences go out to the loved ones of those who were lost in that tragedy.  I don't speak on behalf of everyone on the spectrum or anyone else either.  I speak for myself.  I can assure you that some of my thoughts could reflect how others on the spectrum might be feeling after that.  Furthermore, don't jump to conclusions yet as to what made the kid decide to do it.  The truth is that noone will ever know for sure.  I simply can't have empathy for someone who kills though.

I want to give you an idea of how I feel about todays shootings in Connecticut.  I just read that the shooter was apparently diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome.  This is not a good thing for anyone diagnosed with it or anywhere else on the Autism Spectrum.  The media may play up on the fact that people who they perceive to be disabled or diseased are dangerous people.  I believe this will have a very dangerous impact as to how normal people in America and maybe up here in Canada will perceive people on the spectrum.  This will have a dangerous impact on how people on the spectrum will be treated.

There will be a stigma that will follow with this that some will have a hard time escaping.  For a lot of people on the spectrum who worked hard and fought their whole lives to be treated with respect and dignity, I can probably speak for all of us when I say we don't deserve such treatment.  There are a lot of misguided people in this world regardless of how a person thinks, or feels, or no matter what their spirituality is.  One bad apple does not speak for the rest of us.

For people to believe someone like me has no empathy and is dangerous enough to kill is hurtful.  Do not even think for a second that referring to my previous blogs on here about my meltdowns as a pre-teen is proof that we are dangerous people.  I got all the help I could get and I am thankful for it.  I feel horrible that someone thinks its okay to go and kill people.  Believe me when I say this, I was never trying to kill someone in any of my meltdown stories.  I just wanted to be left alone when I got picked on and bullied.  Think of how you like to be treated and empathy becomes easier (you see people getting treated badly, you can empathize because you have been there).  I would not say that all people with Aspergers are uncomfortable.  That is not the case at all.  I can speak for myself a little when I say I am a little slow.  I am sometimes unforgiving of the way I am treated and that is due to the fact that I don't want people who treat me like crap staying in my life.

On a side note, I remember being picked in on high school to a degree and there was once a rumour that people started that said I was a person who had a hit list and was going to shoot up the school.  This really did hurt my feelings and I remember confronting the person that started the rumour when I found them out.  I asked that person to stop and they did.  What they told me in response though was "You can't be mean to your friends."  From that point forward I remembered who my friends were.  I had fun with my friends.

Aside from the details that people have about the kid.  I was definitely more social than the media reports of the kid.  People at high school knew who my friends were.  They knew I had connected with people.  To look at me like a person who has absolutely noone is hurtful.  I have family, I talk to them all the time.  I have close friends from Peterborough that live in Ottawa.  I have pictures with them on my facebook.  Bottom line is simple.  Everyone wants to be happy.  Everyone needs reasons to be happy.  I have my reasons.  I also prefer moments of isolation as well to take care of me and recharge my batteries.  Doesn't mean I am looking for an excuse to do something bad.  The truth is, I am misunderstood and can be very confusing.

One bad apple does not speak for the rest of us.  One bad apple can fall far away from the tree.  One bad apple does not define the tree it fell from either.  Remember that.

Making excuses: Why every issue should not be blamed on your autism/aspergers.

Obsession.  Anxiety.  Love.  Social skills.  Intimacy.  Affection.  Depression.

These are many things that I am finding that people on the autism spectrum complain about.  It is kind of dumbfounding to think about it.  These are issues that a lot of people off the spectrum have issues with as well, but none of them blames it on being normal.  So when a few Aspies/Auties are acting all weird about these issues, they start blaming it on their autism.  Why?  I fail to see how this helps a person grow.  I don't see a person who is doing this as someone who is accepting of themselves at all.  Now to the key points brought up at the beginning.

Obsession: Everyone obsesses over something from time to time.  The problem from my experience and with other people on the autism spectrum is that they seem to think this will scare people off.  This is not necessarily true.  People get scared when someone is obsessed with them and is doing things that aren't normal when it comes to obsessive behaviours (Stalking, either in person or through the internet).  It is not the autism's fault.  If you have obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), then maybe that helps make the issue bigger.  The only way obsession becomes a problem is if you don't figure out how to control it.  For example, if something is bothering you, deal with it.  Things that bother you are what is causing obsessive behaviour most of the time.
Example.  You think someone doesn't like you anymore and the thought bothers you to the point that you become obsessed over it.  You ask the person directly in a way that feelings won't be affected.  Afterwards, you can move on knowing that you did your best and not caring what the answer was.

Anxiety- A variety of reasons can contribute to anxiety.  I don't think this should solely be blamed on autism.  Anxiety can be caused by traumatic experience in the past, being hurt by others too many times, a bad experience in a certain situation, and the list goes on.  I also believe that paranoia is the biggest cause of anxiety, but that is a much deeper issue itself.  Obsession may also cause anxiety.  Any other reasons I have stated about making excuses for that matter can cause anxiety.  The only thing to do is to step outside your comfort zone and allow yourselves to live a little.

Love- Let's be fair here.  History shows that people with Aspergers find it very difficult to show appreciation and love towards other people. Well, it's time to debunk the myth that people with Autism are not capable of loving others.  It is easy to love others, but it has to go down to who loves themselves.  A normal person may not truly love themselves, so loving others becomes an issue too.  Why blame it all on Autism?  Everyone knows that is not fair.

Social skills- This is one issue that I think that autistics have some rights to make an excuse for.  I find some on the spectrum have indicated that they developed better social skills than others. In the non-verbal context, I find the issues much deeper when it comes to social skills.  However, the one thing to learn is that you have to get to know someone to be able to pick up on their body language and figure things out.  Some people are given the chance, while others are not.

Intimacy-Don't think for a second that this can be blamed on autism or aspergers.  Never blame a lack of intimacy on something like that.  Communication is an issue when it comes to intimacy as people don't seem to know how to communicate with one another in regards to this issue.  Provided people give eachother a fair chance, intimacy will either be enjoyed, or become an issue based off communication and misunderstanding.

Affection- Same deal with intimacy.  Affection plays a role with attraction however.  Simply put, if you don't understand how attraction works, then you will not know how to be affectionate with other people.

Depression- This could be for a variety of reasons and it may be because you are different and others see it and make you feel inadequate compared to them and look down on you.  You reveal your weaknesses too soon to new people and they exploit these weaknesses the first chance they get.  Maybe it's for other reasons and it might have to do with your lack of social skills.  Depression and Autism are linked close together, and there are links between the two.  However, If you have no idea what is causing the depression you might be feeling at any given point, don't point to being autistic or having Aspergers Syndrome just yet.

It's quite appalling that everyone will blame every single issue they have on being autistic or having Aspergers syndrome.  So maybe you should focus on yourself and grow.  Forget what everyone else says and remove the negative minded people from your life if that helps.  You will be much better off for doing so.

Potential fathers and age factors.

Before I get started, it looks as if I unintentionally deleted a blog post here.  If that did not happen, then someone had it taken down for whatever reason.  The blog post was about how negativity can increase the chance of a meltdown.  I honestly have no desire to re-write that and didn't save a copy of that to my computer.
To the topic at hand, and this was after having a discussion with my father on the phone.  I was surprised to hear him say to me on the phone that "The more I think about it, the more I believe I have Aspergers.  I don't like change much and it throws me right off when it happens.  Your grandfather was like that too, and I believe he had it too."  So it seems that the genetic theory holds true in regards to kids having autism or Aspergers.  But lets support a test or theory from a few years ago that indicates that men over the age of 30 are more likely to have kids with autism.
I cannot trace my family tree back too far right now to find out how old my great-grandfather was when he conceived with my great-grandmother and my grandfather was born.  But if my mom (who suspected this the whole time), and my dad are right about the thought that my grandfather had Aspergers, then he got it from the great-grandfather.  The great grandfather had to have been past the age of 30 when my grandfather was conceived, and then born.
What I know of my grandfather was that he had three kids himself, and my dad was the youngest of three.  He had these kids at the age of 27, 29, and 31.  Unfortunately, I never meet the first born as he passed away before I was even born.  What I do know is of the second born was that she didn't have the same patterns of behaviour that my dad demonstrated.  My dad was pretty obsessive in some of the things he did, and was not the type that liked to go out too often.  I sensed my grandfather was the same way.
Fast-forward to my brother's birth and he was born when my mother and father were 27 and 26 respectively.  He never had autism, and he was a huge extrovert and demanded to be the centre of attention.  He loved spending time away from home and doing things.  I was more the type to stay at home and do things and go out with friends on occasion.  I had to hype myself up for the nights out with friends.  I couldn't seem to last too long in situations where.  I was born when my parents were 31-30 respectively.  See where I am going with this.
Back in the old days, it appeared that parents were having kids at a much younger age.  It seemed as if that everyone was normal thinking and there was less concern about autism compared to today.  In today's world, everyone is putting their professional careers ahead of families as well.  This leaves no time for baby-making it seems and the chance of autism seems to be increased if you look at the scenario I presented above.  Although I would believe that genetics with age plays a bigger factor more than anything else, I am not certain that you can rule out age as a factor on its own.
I briefly dated someone who was 31 years old.  I myself am 26, soon to be 27 in a couple months from now.  I know when kids were brought up in a conversation, she was worried that at her age, the chances of a defect in her kids she could conceive would be higher.  I did nothing to comfort her now that I think about it.  I now know that my chances of having a kid with autism will likely increase the older I get.  When it comes to women and potential factors, I am not certain how much of a role that will play.
It seems as if this theory posted a few years ago that I found posted in either the Washington Post or the New York Times could support that theory.  Look at my family genetics and history.

A fellow Aspie's opinion on how to fit in... Don't

The following was a post on the website, Wrongplanet.  Everybody on there is already arguing and debating whether this post is a good description of Aspies and NT's.  Really though, it was a good thought provoking post to say the least.  The poster goes by the name of Grefas.  Here is the link:


Every aspie in the world wants to crack the code of social interaction. Everyone seeks a tip. Everyone gives a tip. Some want to be accepted by NTs, some even want to "look like" NTs! I don't understand. Or maybe I understand but let's start from the beginning.

I live and study in Greece where nobody knows about Asperger except of the members of a couple of small groups and the fans of southpark of course! Since I was a child I was trying to understand others' behavior through logical assumptions and experience-based deductions. Now that I became older I finally understood! There is no way to explain human behavior by logic. End of story! No tips , no method, no code.. Social interactions are the most absurd thing there is.. so no "fit in" there for us my friends.

But as a young man, stubborn and fearless I managed to rationalize some aspects of social life. I managed to fit in and I had all the time to observe, test and understand the others' behavior. Why do they do this, why they do that, when they react this way, who reacts this way, under what conditions.. I will tell you what I finally understood after some parts of the puzzle completed and then it's your choice whether you want to play the game or not. But nobody plays a game if they don't like the rules unless they are unaware of the rules. So I don't understand those who want to fit in (because if you don't know the rules yet believe me you are not going to like them.)

So, above all is PRETENDING. Pretending is the basis of human interaction and relationships. That's NT's way of humor and of dealing with everyday situations. They pretend to like their colleagues, they pretend to like you, their boss or anyone else, but underneath that lies the truth. People use to say that aspies and autistic people tend to see the tree and miss the forest, NTs tend to see the forest and miss the tree, but I tell you, everyone misses what's under the tree. And under the tree there is a very complicated and dirty system of alliances between the members of a group. Pretending is a very useful technique in making alliances. They don't make friends, they make allies. Subsequently you will understand why people need alliances.

Another thing I want you to wonder about is why those people are near you, if there are any. I tell you, everyone close to you except your family is GAINING something from you. Their gain is either material, (maybe you have money, maybe they like the rides with your car, your PlayStation, any material gain) or their gain is more intangible and it's about power ( if your status is high, you sing well, you have a cool music group, you are a good hacker, you have a web-TV show about asperger , you are good looking, anything that can be useful to them.. for THEIR status) You may be very clever and you can support them in power issues among the group, whatever..

Do you see how these two are connected? PRETENDING and PERSONAL GAIN? Let me explain, if there is anything that people can gain from you, they'll pretend to like you. That's why there is no pretending for you my "weak" friends and there is a lot of bullying, because they don't gain a lot from you, or they win more than they lose by bullying you. Brain is a powerful weapon that is wired to solve complicated math functions in everyday life and make decisions serving ones' inner desires. Οne of the strongest inner desire of human beings is gain. And pretending is their way of serving this desire. But it is not serving only this desire..

Most males, want power. Power comes from alliances and alliances come from pretending. But why do they want power? Are we watching some kind of action movie or playing some kind of game of thrones? No, it's not a movie, it's what lies beneath the trees and the forest thing. It's real f**** life. Power serves THE most strong human instinct and motive there is, REPRODUCTION. So males adjust to how females choose their partner. Dominant females mate with dominant males who have power, which means a lot of allies which they earn by pretending, and with humor, "bribing" etc. Though it is possible for a non-dominant male to mate with a dominant, or non-dominant female but this female will cheat or abandon her partner on her first opportunity of mating with a dominant one. If she does not and prefer to stick with her high values of loyalty she's probably an aspie..

You see most NTs don't realize that they are playing this kind of power game, they are not consciously doing this. Their nature and instincts force them to play this awful and unfair game. The rules stink and it's full of lies, deception techniques and they use to say "that's life". No that's YOUR life f****, that's YOUR nature. This is obvious because their genes gave them all the skills they need for this kind of social game. But my genes and your genes don't contain any pretending skills, any social skills, any intuitive understanding of the social hierarchy.. It's simple, WE ARE NOT MEANT TO LIVE THIS WAY.

Because the more I look within myself, the more I acknowledge one powerful natural tendency of mine. The tendency towards TRUTH which is the opposite of pretending. You can't go to the opposite direction because at the end nobody can get away from a theorem that implements on him. Apart from this, if you go against your nature that's when the "psychological problems" start to appear.

So instead of struggling to fit in, try to understand that we are meant to define our own rules which are consequent with our nature and not to play someone's else shitty game whose rules don't satisfy our existence. A friend had a very nice thought about our difference with the NTs. She believes that we are descendants of prehistoric hunters who needed good observation skills, logic and other traits like loyalty useful to the hunting while they were leaving the rest of the group doing their social and hierarchical stuff. So go out "hunting" and meet new situations, new places and don't compare yourself with NTs and how they live their lives.

FOLLOW YOUR OWN PATH. WE ARE FROM THE SAME TRIBE!

As depressing as it sounds, people are always looking to use eachother.  The bigger issue with the Aspie is that we are always looking for a connection.  But in order to do that, it seems we have to conform for what the other person needs and wants.  That puts us in a situation that may cause problems.  Why should we change just so someone else can like us.  NT's do this too.  But the world tells people with Autism or Asperger's "Change or we won't accept you."   Say goodbye to yourself as you know it if you willingly agree to this demand.

Update: November 24, 7:15 PM.  You know, some aspies have to change to.  But not to fit in and make people like them for who they aren't.  Everyone has to change who they are in order to be viewed as an approachable person.  The best way to do this even if you have to fake it.... Smile 

Dating and seeking connections- Am I better off alone?

I decided recently that I was sick of the online dating sites.  I don't like the type of people that are on these sites, and I definitely don't like initiating contact at all.  Truth be told, I don't know what to say when I initiate contact.  I also hate the fact that people have these rules for how to contact people, it fees so restricted and it does not really help show who I am.  I may comment on something I read on their profile and ask a question about it, but almost 100% of the time I get ignored.  Might be because of something written on my profile, or maybe how I made the message sound, or maybe it was how I look in my photos.  Truth is I don't want to think about it anymore.  Besides, I have not been happy with any dates I have had on any dating sites.  Maybe I am not fit for dating, or I don't have anything to offer that another person wants.  I am not the typical alpha male that women desire and have no desire to be one.  I just want to be me, but with the ability to read social cues and body language better.  In no way do I consider myself a doormat and therefore don't allow others to treat me as such.

I have noticed from the wrongplanet.net forums that other Aspies and Autistic people, but I am guessing it is mostly the Aspies, have voiced their frustrations about their inability to have a relationship with the opposite gender.  I have also noticed it is mostly men, but there are the occasional women in there voicing their frustrations.  I have done my best not to complain openly about my dating frustration on the forums, but more or less try and help the younger lads because they still have hope for the future.  People around my age and older just don't seem to care as much anymore as some seem to accept the idea of being alone.

We have all read about what women really want.  It seems to be broken down into the following things:
1. Women want what they perceive to be normal, happy, healthy and fit.  Each women is different so the standards of what these traits are may be different.  It seems that very few consider a person with Asperger's Syndrome to be normal, and some Aspies don't seem too happy either.  Of course, telling someone you have Asperger's too soon will of course make that person run for the hills.
2. Women don't care what your intentions really are, because what they perceive your intentions to be will influence how they feel.  At this point how they feel will likely never change no matter what you say or do.
3. They don't want someone that shows a total lack of regard and respect for women.  Aspie males on the site seem to indicate (including myself) that they have a lack of trust for women based on previous dating history and from being bullied.  Some (like me when I was younger) may end up taking this frustration out on the next one.  Furthermore, I have noticed that some nice men (NT and Aspies) have severe entitlement issues and believe that women should be grateful to have someone like them in their presence.  This is pretty off putting to a woman.
The entitlement issues seem to come from younger and more youthful aspies and I have been there myself.  Once you hit your mid-twenties, this entitlement issue may change to some deeper, more complex issue if you have not fixed this already.
4. Experience matters.  It seems to be common knowledge that women want a man with experience in relationships and in sex.  It doesn't help now when some women are now categorizing the 30-40 year old virgins as undeserving of love.  I am not a virgin myself, but I have only had sex enough times to count on one hand and I can assure you that each time was not with the same woman.  If experience mattering holds any merit, I will never have a relationship and will likely never have sex again.  I have found a lot of aspies on the website have never had sex either and the age varies between users. 
5. Confidence- Need I say anymore.  It's all in how you walk, and talk and this seems exciting to all women.
6. Women have little to no patience for people like us.  There are many reasons why, but let's talk affection for a minute.  Affection from an Aspie seems forced and unnatural unless it is learned.  This may seem harsh to say, but a woman likes natural chemistry and a women won't stick around if affection seems forced.

Now back to me.  My dating experience has been horrible to say the least.  I rarely, if ever, get past the first date and I have had plenty of those.  I have not been on a date in the last four months however and I have had no desire for it recently.  I just got sick of the same old shit.  The last couple of dates I went on, I made absolutely no effort at all because I just didn't care for it anymore.  The last time I made any effort, I actually got a second date (or more) out of it.  My lack of effort is the biggest reason why I don't get past first dates anyway now that I think about it.  I guess if I were to chose to date again, which will likely be never, I would have to put effort into the first date and then learn from there how to treat future dates afterwards.

I also remember the last time I felt truly happy with who I was.  I wasn't thinking about dating any women at all and I did not care for any attention.  I never forced anything and I never asked for any dates, nor did anyone ask me out on a date.  I would go out with friends and just drink, and sometimes dance and I would not be worried about who wanted to dance with me and I would not think about it.  I would hang out with friends and just have conversations about whatever crossed my mind.  I would hear their pointless banter on who it is they are dating and whether they liked them or not.  I minded my own damn business and so did other people.  There were some connections made, but nothing overly emotional.  I was at my happiest, able to communicate what I wanted and didn't want.  I felt like I commanded some respect.  Furthermore, I was a very goal oriented person and dating was always at the back of my mind and didn't often come up in the way I was thinking.  It seemed easier to make friends this way.

To a degree, I have become superficial because the emotions of dating and relationships are too complex for me to fully understand.  I can go ahead and try it out, but I know that I have nothing to offer anyone.  I have got a lot to offer myself, and that is my mind, body and spirit.  My mind knows that it is best clear headed.  I have more often than not found that hard when dating people or attempting a relationship with someone.

October 5 2012- I had written the above paragpraphs over the course of the summer.  I have since dated someone and my emotions seem to change each day as to how I feel about it.  I now am beginning to truly understand why it is so difficult for a potential partner to accept us for who we really are.  I always feel afraid she will walk away because she can't take how different I am anymore.  I am always afraid I will do something so awful that she will be hurt.  I always feel afraid of the commitment aspect because I am in unfamiliar territory.  I am always afraid because I think she will see the obsessive side of me and it will scare her.  I am always afraid that she will find something she thinks will be better because I am too different.  Bottom line, I am always afraid of something.  These fears are often unfounded.  I guess I am used to being so alone and being somewhat free that I am just not used to someone actually showing some feelings towards me.  The train of thought would have to be fixed if I were to be successful with her or anyone else for that matter.

Health effects Part 1- Smoking. (Non-Aspie post)

I know there are some people out there who are reading my blogs.  I am actually quite surprised to see the number of people that were interested in reading my one blog about Aspies and dating part 1 and part 1 of my nervous breakdown series.  I found myself even more surprised that people wanted to read my Aspie sense of morals post as well.  The numbers aren't staggering by any means.  What I have found though is that the numbers did jump up a little bit after I joined wrongplanet.net forums and contributed a little bit to the forums there.  I think the majority of my readers come from that website since I do have a link on my profile there to this blog.

I have decided to stray away from the Aspie thing for this post for one reason.  I have decided to talk about what I have noticed about the health effects of smoking.  It will be a bit of a story as well.

I first tried smoking a cigarette when I was 13.  The majority of people that smoke their first cigarette will not likely inhale during the first cigarette and smart people will noticed this as well.  I was busted cold on this and was told to properly inhale.  I coughed hard for a minute and it was at that moment I decided to never smoke.

I was 19 years old and bought a pack of cigarettes one day.  I remember deciding to try a pack of DuMaurier Regulars.  After a couple days, I threw the pack out with about 16 cigarettes out and thought to myself that I would not do this again.  I once again proved myself wrong as I was smoking some Captain Black cigarillos a year later on occasion.  The cigarillos are something you are not supposed to inhale anyway, and I don't think I ever did.  I went on vacation and didn't touch a cigarette until I hit college in January of 2007.  I was not smoking regularly at first and was probably only smoking five or less a day for a good while.  Eventually the habit picked up and I was smoking about 8-10 a day.

I started to exercise regularly when I was 22 years old.  I had no issue with smoking and exercising and was rapidly increasing my endurance despite my smoking habit.  I went from being able to run very little to being able to run 5 km by the end of 2008.  In 2009, I was able to run a little more than that.  I have been able to run 8-10 km in the last year and that was during a time period when I was not smoking.  However, at the age of 22, I was partying a lot too and consuming a lot of alcohol and smoking a lot when out.  Eventually this started causing me heartburn and I had to watch how much I drink and smoked for a while.  Of course my fitness routine reduced the effects of acid reflux significantly and I was needing medication for my heartburn periodically rather than every day.

I turned 25 years old and started getting dizziness and headaches.  I was doing weightlifting and cardio routines consistently as well.  I was able to attribute one spell of dizziness and headaches to acid reflux.  So I figured from then on I would just take my medication when I felt these symptoms.  Of course, things got bad at one point and the dizziness and headaches would come and go at least twice a month.  I went to a doctor and based on the acid reflux diagnosis, I was given a blood test to take to determine whether I had stomach bacteria causing this issue for me.  The test came back negative and I was clean of any bacteria.  Yet I was still a smoker and I was still feeling dizziness from my chosen lifestyle.  I did a lot of lifting at work as well and was working quite hard as well.  I would find myself sick at least 2-3 times a week for the next while.

I decided one day to quit smoking using a book by a man named Allen Carr called "Easy Way to Quit Smoking"  It helped me quit and I noticed a lot of energy in myself after I quit and the dizziness and headaches were significantly reduced and almost non existent.  I never once took any pills for acid reflux during this time period as well.  My fitness levels went up and I was able to lift heavier weights without feeling as tired or having as much pain in my chest from the smoking.  I was doing pretty good.  Eventually, the girl from the story I had in part 6 of my nervous breakdown series was a factor in my relapsing on my habit.  I remember being quite arrogant during this time period as well.

I was not as physically active during the time period after I relapsed and I noticed that the headaches and dizziness weren't that severe either.  I was able to make the connection there that working out and smoking has a drastic effect on your body.  Sure working out makes you feel great about your own body, but the two lifestyle factors were working against eachother in a very harmful way.  I also noticed that I was more likely to get heartburn from smoking.

So the point of this blog was simple.  I understand everyone is different and each person can handle these kind of things differently from the next person.  I am still a smoker today and I would advise people that like being physically fit that aren't smoking to never try it or if you had quit to never start again.  What I told you is that smoking and physical fitness does not mix well.  You may be fine at first, but the more intense you go with your workout routines, the more likely you will have your smoking habit and workout habits work against eachother in a harmful way.  This is what I noticed as a 10-12 cigarettes a day type of smoker.

Why so Superficial? Where is the connection?

For those who may not understand what I mean by the title, I live in Canada.  The culture over here is based off more fear than what a typical Aspie has.  It is actually quite sad to say it.  I know a lot may disagree with me, but everyone likes to judge a book by it's cover, so first impressions are so very crucial.  That is just one point that will not be discussed much further.  For me, superficial means being polite and nice to people without having to show any respect whatsoever, and without establishing any sort of emotional connection.  It is also based off a bunch of silly guidelines that people give us on how to communicate with people in the real world.  It is quite depressing to think about it.

Before I go any further, I would like to state that there are many people that find Aspies to be the most superficial of all.  I will explain the reason for this differs to each person with Asperger's Syndrome.  But I think the biggest culprit for Aspie superficial behaviour is because they have problems establishing an emotional connection with others.  I will argue to the death that there are people out there that try and probably need a lot more work in order to establish such connections.  For me, I believe my superficial behaviour comes from the fact that I tried to establish emotional connections with the wrong people in the past and I have built a certain degree of anxiety because of that.

I have talked to someone (an NT) recently through some messages about her experience in North America in the last couple years.  She is from Europe and stated the differences to me about the difference in culture in her country and in the United States.  It did get me thinking about how Canadians are not too different in terms of how people get a long with eachother.  The key differences I remember being brought up in the back and forth instant messaging was how the way people communicate over here is considered rude in her country. She gave the example of how she would have conversations with people in public places and it actually sounded like a good talk between the two.  She did not mention whether she felt there was a connection between her and the person she was talking to, but mentioned that the other did not ask for contact information so that they could communicate with eachother again.  The next time she would see this person, this other person would act like a best friend.  This is superficial in her eyes from what I interpreted.  She did not point out if this was an Aspie thing or an NT thing, so I will assume for the purposes of this blog that both types of people do it since I have seen it. 

Of course on another note, she pointed out that people were very superficial in the way they communicate with eachother.  She pointed out how everyone is trained to say to eachother "Hey, how are you?" and the response is supposed to be "Good, and you?"  This leaves pretty much no opportunity for small talk as I have witnessed myself (and done).  It is an awkward way to start a conversation as well if that is the response you get to such a question.  It often gives off the impression that the person answering the question does not want to speak at all.  Not sure if this is superficial, or fear that people have.  NT's do the same thing with eachother and the subtlety is picked up much easier by them than it is by me.

The difference in culture when it comes to getting one person's phone number was also brought up.  Over in her culture, it is considered rude not to call or text right away, she understands people are busy, but the point is to call or text if you want people to believe you are interested.  She gave her number out to a person and they didn't call for a couple days.  Over here, I noticed this myself and was kind of reminded of it, that people over here like to play games with eachother.  I don't get why, but I don't find much fun in chasing after people.  You either want me around or you don't, I hate guessing.  Going back on the receiving one's number here, we hear all sorts of strange opinions on when a person should call: must wait 24 hours, 2 days, etc.  Why must things be so complicated?  Because everybody to a degree has been trained to be superficial and play games.  Another reason is because everyone is so afraid to make a connection, and it is not just an Aspie or NT thing either.  Everyone can be quite superficial at times.

But of course now, this opinion came from a woman who visited North America for a couple years.  The most important thing here to consider is that if she pointed out how superficial people really are, then I can assure you that others in North America have probably noticed it too.  Women over here have always complained about the lack of respect that men give them, and it is simple reasons such as what I stated above has happened to them.  It is not because someone wanted to sleep with them, or because someone was nice to them.  It really is that simple.  How many missed opportunities men have because they were afraid or rejection or followed some silly guideline that they heard from a friend who knows absolutely nothing, or from some expert that says "Do this, not that"?  Of course, I should not put the blame on one particular gender, or race.  If a person is trained to be superficial in how they relate to and communicate with other people, the ability to establish emotional connections with other humans will be severely limited.  And yes, there are women who do some of these same things and I understand that it works both ways.

You also have to wonder why people listen so carefully to what others think.  I remember we have this thing in our body called "animal instinct."  The animal instinct is primarily used for survival and reproduction (my opinion, bare with me).  This is also part of the natural fight vs flight responses of a human being (listen to your brain, you will run).  Here are some important questions to answer as well:  How do you expect to make connections with others if you never follow your instinct?  Why do you have to listen to what others think?  Why listen to an expert who tells yo to do this, and not that when it comes to guidelines about when to talk to someone?  Why are you so afraid?

Aspie sense of morals?

Growing up, I found that I was raised off a set of morals that were kind of set up by my parents, some direct, some indirect.  Some of these morals were about smoking, drinking, drug use, sex, among other things.  I have read through some of these forums on wrongplanet.net, and I am not surprised to see a strong sense of morals from other Aspies and people with autism.  I just had a thought that since I did break some of my own moral rules, and others still have not been broken, what are your moral rules?

That is the question I will pose to the forum some day.  I have thought about it doing it now, but ultimately decided to leave it for a blog posting for now.

1. Don't drink alcohol in excessive amounts, keep it moderate if you do choose to drink (broken this rule several times)
2. Don't have sex outside of a loving and committed relationship, drunken one night stands are unacceptable (broken this rule of course)
3. Never smoke cigarettes (like father, like son- rule broken.  He did quit over 20 years ago, but I was still old enough to remember seeing him do it)
4. Never do drugs, not even marijuana.  It is morally wrong and unacceptable (broken the rule, cannabis and hash oil only)
5. Never get addicted to anything (Broken, addicted to nicotine, on and off again addiction with sugar, was once addicted to caffeine, was once addicted to cannabis.  No matter what anyone says, you can get addicted to cannabis.  Trying smoking that stuff everyday for a while and then quit.  It is tough, but not as tough as cigarettes.)
6. Never hit a woman, ever (Never broke this rule)
7. Never commit a crime that you will get sent to jail for (on a technicality, rule is not broken since I have never been arrested or been charged with a crime)
8. Do unto others as they do unto you/Treat others as you wish to be treated (Sometimes broken, depending on the person.  For the most part, I am faithful to this rule).
9. Love and respect your family and close friends (I think I am safe on this one)
10. Always remember to love and respect yourself and accept who you are and where you came from.  With this, you will know where you are going.  (Broken this rule, but unlike other rules, this broken rule is not necessarily always my fault).

Bullying.

I did feel that for the most part growing up, that I was always a victim of bullying.  I got physically bullied up until grade 6, but realized that since I was so big compared to everyone else in my classes that I might as well use my size to my advantage.  Didn't get physically bullied after that, but emotionally I was still easy to pick on.  Sometimes someone crossed the line and I cleaned their clock.  They didn't try it again.  However, I got labelled a violent kid as a result and other people would bully me, emotionally, for that reason.  My emotional meltdowns at school usually included some strange threats and people running away in fear.  My parents would then keep me at home for a couple days.  I did get involved in school sports throughout both elementary and high schools, and was usually one of the first picked because of my athletic abilities.  People only used me when they could benefit from doing so.

High school was similar to a degree, but a lot of people left me alone due to fear of what I might do if they angered me.  There were those who did not have fear and did try to physically and emotionally bully me during gym classes and lunch time games.  I stood up for myself quite well I thought, but people tried to tell me that "You will get your butt kicked if you think you can take me out.  You got no one supporting you, I got the whole school."  I tested that theory with one person, and everyone felt he deserved it and didn't back him up.  I was left alone for a while, then it continued.  Part of the reason I was bullied was because I did not play high school football, and I was pressured heavily by the players and coaches due to my size and pent up anger.  I played soccer instead and the soccer players got little respect from the other sports teams in the school, especially the football players.  Throughout school, I was used to girls saying about me "he is gross/ugly/creepy/weird."  I also had to deal with new students at school saying to me "Why is she/he telling me not to talk to you?" 

I got to college and did find people more accepting.  At first, one classmate invited me out for a double date, but I apparently offended my date and he would not tell me how.  I stopped communicating with him shortly after.  Other people within our group eventually pushed him out and we all kind of pushed each other away after as well.  I did find people were more open to communicating with me if they bumped into me.  Then I hit a minor depression again and snapped out of it and started to take fitness and nutrition more seriously.  I still had my friends, but I had not communicated with them after college was done.

Now I am past college experience and in the work world in a different city.  I don't hang out with anyone I work with, and usually stick with familiar faces that moved here as well.  I am also more prone to hang out with roommates and neighbours.  I have not been bullied at all at work, but I usually don't get invited to hang out with co-workers outside of work.  I find that people don't usually come to talk to me, or sit with me either.  I initiate most of the conversations I have others.  I don't really fit in at work and I think that is what causes my depression now.

Now after tall this, the thing I hate most about what I have said is that it had been all repressed until a couple months back when I hit another period of depression.  Now I realize just how deep things went for me because everything I did my best to forget about it is coming back to the surface.

Is Asperger's Syndrome noticeable?

For those who have Asperger's Syndrome, it may or may not be noticeable to other people.  I wish I really knew how to explain this well, but I will do my best.
I got friends, family and co-workers and some acquaintances that know that I am an Aspie.  Some people I will allude to the fact that I do have it without actually being direct and upfront about it.  Like I have said in a previous post, we cannot live by the label of it if we don't want other people to label us however they want.  There is very little understanding of what Autism or Asperger's Syndrome is, but I will do my best to explain that another time and give my own opinion on that subject.
For many of my closer friends, and yes I do know now that they do exist, they remember what I was like when I was younger.  The ones that were there with me in my childhood saw the lack of self-esteem growing up, and the lack of eye contact.  They saw a person that was easy to manipulate and tease and get going.  What they also saw and this is most important, they also saw a guy that could not read social cues very well.  I still have the problem of reading social cues properly, but I usually understand when people are making a joke or when people seem upset.  I can read some body language too, so I know that I can use that to my advantage as well to know when to back off someone or not.
There were also people around me in school that saw me get harassed.  It happened at home too since that is where it seemed to have started, but I think it happened more at school.  I did get bullied a lot growing up and I have retaliated in the same manner to some people.  It is not something to be proud of, but I do know that I wanted people to leave me alone.  The harassment and bullying from what I have learned about myself growing up has caused me to become more guarded and it appears that new people coming into my life see this.  This may have been the real root of my problem to establish and maintain new relationships with people.  But when does one know when to keep their guard up and when to drop it.  That is why I like meeting friends through other friends since I am already more relaxed in the company of familiar people.  This helps me out big time.
New people in my life as I have already stated see that I am pretty guarded since they may be able to pick that up in my body language or through verbal communication.  What they don't see is the mannerisms of a person who has Asperger's Syndrome.  A big reason why is because most don't know what it is.  Those who do know what it is or have an understanding usually would not have a clue.  I think a big reason why is I have worked pretty hard on becoming normal throughout the course of my life.  I can carry on a normal conversation with friends and I know when to keep quiet.  When in a situation where I think i am on a date, I have no clue how to interact with people.  I did not initially have problems with going out on dates.  I think it is because I have had bad dating experiences is why I have no clue how to interact with a person while out on a date.  I find it especially hard when doing online dating through a website like Plentyoffish for example. 
My experience with online dating is even worse because the first few people I have met badly misrepresented themselves either through lying on their profiles or through misleading profile photos (photos don't match the actual person).  There are also the number of people that justify standing up their dates.  For that reason I have problems with Plentyoffish and come across more guarded there than I do with people I meet in person.  There have been people since that did not lie or misrepresent themselves.  The problem there is it did not work out (pretty easy to accept, especially when communicated), or I just never gave the person a chance after the first date.  However, the common thing I have noticed through these dates were that the other person was scared of my body language or had problems reading it.  This is how I knew that I had to come across as more relaxed or at least try and communicate this through eye contact and body language.

Despite all of these situations I have been in life, not one person knows for sure that I do have Asperger's Syndrome.  I seem to act very normal but have the odd comment that comes out of my mouth (or touchpad/keyboard) every here and there.  I am a very self-aware Aspie who knows that he has to do his best to fake his emotions when necessary as well.  I know I have to be relaxed in social situations or I will not do very well in the long run.  I also realize that I have to control my depression and OCD as well.  I still don't believe in medication however, and refuse to take any.

The calm after the storm. (Breakdown number 6 included)

A little backstory as to how I got where I am now.
I have written a post about the word love and what it meant to me.  It still means very little to me.  Happiness is a different word, and I am starting to understand what that means.  I am also starting to understand relaxation and calm feelings again.  I have been there before and I am still here now.  However, I still have to work on quitting smoking again.  I got my fitness back on track again, I have my mind at ease again, and I enjoy my spare time when I have it.
There was another breakdown and I believe a girl problem was essential this time.  I remember the girl was 19 years old and I am a few years older than her.  I met her at a party on St. Patricks day, and the group of us ended up at a dance club later on in the evening.  Me and her were the last two to leave so I asked for her phone number before I left to go home.  We kept in touch and I finally asked her to come and hang out with me one day and she said yes.  I quit smoking the day after St. Patricks day, but this girl had no influence on the decision to quit since the decision was made before I went out that night
The day came and we watched a the New York Rangers and Ottawa Senators game five playoff game at a pub.  We had a couple drinks, talked and then went to play some pool for an hour.  I had a good time and I thought she did too.  Soon she no replied my text messages and we were supposed to go out to a movie as well.  She got back to me a little while later and she repeated to no reply me again after that.  I would not see her again until a friend's birthday party.  I relapsed because of this stress and was not really exercising a whole lot at this point.  The relapse brought the breakdown on and I remember punching the wall in my bathroom.  I also had stitches on my chin from a cut I gave myself around this time, but that is a different story and it was an accident, not an attempt at suicide.
At this friend's birthday party, I saw her come in about two hours after I did and she acknowledged me.  I acknowledged her back.  Throughout the night we did engage in some small talk, but I think it was obvious that I was not myself now and she saw the smoking habit had come back.  I noticed that she was a smoker now too.  I think she may have hit her downfall around this time and had some issues.  She finally admitted to not having gotten over an ex boyfriend.  I also noticed the way she was flirting with another guy and I eventually told her when I had a second with her alone that I did find her attractive and told her why.  Unfortunately it sounded like I liked her.  She seemed to have repeated the sentiment right back to me, but eventually went back inside to talk with the other guy she had been flirting with earlier. 
She did eventually go to lie down and at that point I decided to say goodbye to her.  She decided to get up and hug me, and eye contact was made and she kissed me.  I kissed her back and this went on for a minute before she said she could not do anymore because she felt too drunk.  I let her go and went outside and was ready to leave.  She eventually decided to walk her brother out and her flirty new boy friend followed shortly after that.  She came back up alone and said she was leaving with her brother but indicated at the same time she was going home with her new boy friend.  Even I could see past this lie.  I said bye to her again and we kissed again for some reason. 
The next day I asked her if she still wanted to hang out sometime.  The response I got was "Yeah, that sounds good.  But I work 70 hours this week with no days off and I will get back to you when I see my schedule later."  Why i even asked considering what happened the night before was foolish.  Even talking to her seemed foolish now.  Now I had to move on, and this was going to suck because I made the same mistake I had made many years before and promised not to make again.  I removed the girl from all of my contact lists including facebook.  If I was going to feel good in the long run, this was necessary.
I had a vacation coming up in June.  Between the events that happened on this weekend and my vacation, I had to wait three weeks.  I was at a low point and feeling even more depressed, but found myself thinking less of the girl as weeks went on.  The problem now was the intense isolation and the obsessive writing I was doing.  I had some dark thoughts on my mind and I was writing a story that went a long with a certain time period of my life, but I made it much darker than it really was.  I did know that there had to be a satisfying ending to the story as well.  I accomplished that and may choose to release the book through Amazon at one point.  The second story is still ongoing and parts of third story have been written.  I will give more details another time.
I finally got my week off and decided to drive back home to visit friends and family for the week.  I got back home on the Friday evening and I still had not been to the gym in a while and had not done any running either.  I knew I had lots of work to do to get back in to shape again.  I at least ate well enough during my time away from the gym, but also found myself smoking more.  I checked my weight and my parents place and noticed I dropped 15 lbs.  The first Saturday I went out for a run.  The Sunday I hung out with some friends as I did on Monday and Tuesday as well.  I did not hit the gym again until the Tuesday and Wednesday of that week.  By the time Wednesday rolled around I got bored at home and got the impression that my friends back at home would be busy for the rest of the week.  I left and got back to to where I live on Thursday evening and contemplated showing up to work the next day before deciding not too.  I did another workout and went out with some friends on the Friday night.
Since I got back from vacation, I have kept myself busy more often than not and enjoyed my spare time.  I have been hanging out with some friends more often, but I have found myself to be a little more guarded than normal.  I have met some new friends but find that I don't want to get too far ahead of myself either.  I have found a couple new women that I have had some mild interest in, but feel some self-fulfilling prophetic attitude towards actually ever asking anyone out.  Now I know that I have to work on this in order to get what I want.