Aspie Parenting and Self Care part 2: Communicating with your wife

This was written in the middle of January. We had also just moved to a home we bought in the Middle of December. Way too much happened so quickly and I burned out. I just narrowly avoided a meltdown. I was however feeling burnt out.


Being a new parent can be interesting. The harsh reality I have had to come across myself is that of self care vs sacrifice. What I mean by that is that there are things you will enjoy doing before the little one interrupts your life that you may no longer have time for. Perhaps what you no longer have time for is only temporary, but it is still a sacrifice. But what about sacrificing things you enjoy that were meant for self care and to help keep you level headed? Just about anyone you talk to who has had children of their own will tell you that self care is still important. They will also say time for your loved ones and maintaining your reletionships are too. But today, let's focus on self care.


Why am I not allowed to do what I enjoy?


Maybe it's not about what you enjoy. Perhaps it might be the give and take in your relationship with your partner. Being the father and having had a past history of depression, I know I will pull back and withdraw when I hit my peak depression. I will go silent when presented with a tough question out of fear of disappointing my wife. The problem is all I am doing is further disappointing her by being silent and not fixing the issue. I now sink further and feel less inclined to share what's going on with me. The reason for that is simple: she feels I am not listening to her, I certainly expect she won't listen to me.


The hard part for me aside from depression is Aspergers. I don't always have the ability to process what I was just told by my partner. It takes some time before I finally realize the message behind what I am being told. And sometimes when I think I need to read between the lines of what I was told, it turns out she was being direct with me the whole time.


Recent events in our lives have taken a toll on me. I haven't been to the gym more than once in the last two months. I have not had adequate alone time to get things done. I go to work and come home. I have also had to cancel going to a friend's secret santa party at the last minute as well. Things that I know I needed for self care were taken away from me. Of course, I am not the one on leave from work like my wife is, so I know there isn't going to be much sympathy from my wife in the things I want to do, but can't.

Aspie Parenting skills and self care Part 1

Keep in mind, I wrote this in early January 2020. Some truths still apply



Your days off work are already planned for you.


This is becoming more of a reality when you are married with children. I only have a 5 month old and my wife is on mat leave from her job. I work 5 days a week as I need to to make sure we stay ahead and caught up with our bills. When I have a day booked off work, it is a paid day and my wife has more likely than not planned my day for me before I even started to plan for myself. Chances are I won't know what she planned until the day off. But more often than not, she has planned to give herself as much of a break as needed. If you are the type of person that needs to get something done immediately when you wake up, my scenario says that I need to be up 2 hours before my family is. If I am not, I won't get anything done at all, or I will be forced to cut out something from my day. More often than not, I am forced to cut out the things I enjoy most. That is what is disappointing to me. Unfortunately, as I already stated, its reality and reality is telling me I am no longer able to prioritize anything above the child when he is awake and I am home.


For me, what I have found that I was forced to cut out of my life unless I wake up early enough is going to the gym. Our living arrangements don't really allow me the space to create workout space. I might be able to stretch, but that will be it. That's all I have space for. Considering people live below us and you can rule out any weight lifting or any exercise that may cause a disturbance. That means that I must workout at the gym if I do it at all. If I haven't left home by the time my family gets up, It is extremely likely that I won't be going. I also find that I am likely expected to do other things that will likely impact my ability to get a workout in if we need to be ready to do something else within a set time period. So I spend my days off looking after the baby while my wife gets ready to go somewhere. Then we leave.


Now I may sound like someone who is complaining about being a parent. Believe me here, there is no love like that for a parent has for their own child. I would do anything for him. I am just an aspie struggling to find his own time to do what he needs to do for his own well being without it affecting himself and his family.

There is a reason why people say "be careful what you wish for..."

I said in my previous post about life lessons that are needed by age 30 that you can't allow anything to consume you.  The reason for it is what you allow to consume you is not only that you lose a lot of friends and respect from others, it ultimately comes back to you and how you handled yourself.  Think about the thoughts you have when these situations occur as well and you will understand what I mean by that.  Of course, this post is about common sense as well.  I find many people I come across now who seem lacking in that, and for whatever reason (and if you read comment sections on Facebook posts or other websites), people openly display their lack of common sense now and think nothing of it.  Perhaps as well that anyone reading this needed a reminder because they got stuck in a negative mindset and need to get out of it.

Ultimately the reason why one person has to be careful what they wish for is that they just might get it.  So if you are wishing for something positive and you are in fact praying about it, or making the efforts to better yourself, you may end up getting what you ask for.  Of course, it may not happen at the time you want it to happen, and that is ultimately why you need to be patient on that front while keeping your mind focused on other things important to you in the mean time.  Body builders for example don't build their muscles over night.  They had to work on it and they knew if they put their mind to it, they would get what they would ask for.  Instead of willing their way to having bigger arms, they did the work to achieve their goal and with a little help and some luck, they got there.

Of course, the same goes with negative thinking.  If you start thinking and worrying that something is going to happen, it might just happen.  For example, if you think that you will get into a fight with someone at work today, perhaps you will.  The reason why is because you were thinking about it and it happened.  That seems a little extreme and I can confirm it didn't happen to me or anyone else at work.  But maybe think about it for a second.  You have someone at work or school who is bullying or harassing you and you start thinking to yourself "if he/she calls me by that name one more time, I swear to got I will knock his/her teeth out."  What happens is that the person went and said the thing you didn't want to hear and you attempted to knock his teeth out.  You got what you wished for.

So with that being said, what do you want to ask for?  What is it that you want to think about?  Of course, we all have our dreams of winning the lottery, but that is more luck and completely out of your control.  It is nice to think about it, but perhaps we need to ask for something that we have a bit more control over.  Perhaps you want that promotion at work or that acceptance letter into Harvard.  Getting an offer is out of your hands, but you can do what you can to play your part and ask to be considered.  Of course, maybe you have filled your mind with negativity and it wasn't entirely your fault that it happened, and you want to fight something not worth fighting for.

You get what you think you will get.  That is the simple truth behind what I have to say today.  Whatever it is you think about is going to be what you get in the end.  It is that simple.

Some Truths about the World you must learn by the age of 30.

I have come to realize that life can be very difficult and hard.  When it comes to work, to relationships and marriage, to your own physical and mental health, these are the harsh truths I had to learn:

1. The world doesn't care about your freedom or independent thoughts. This can hit really hard when you think about the recent #MeToo movement.  But outside of that, it most certainly applies to any job you work, any relationship you keep with people as well as what you may or may not do in your own private residence.  In fact, you may not even own your own residence, therefore the rules may be dictated to you in what you can and cannot do in that environment.  We also keep hearing stories about what your smartphones and devices can record when you don't think you are being recorded.  In this regard, one can only hope that what they have to say in their own private conversations with eachother won't get them in trouble one day.

2. Your boss doesn't care for your questions and independent thinking.  Your boss likely hired you to do a job.  Part of that job will require you to do as asked and listen to the rules they make up as things go along.  You may not be hired to think outside the job you were hired to do.  The rules sure might not make sense and maybe the rules may restrict your freedoms in the workplace.  Unfortunately for you, the boss isn't going to care what you think of the rules as they feels it is their right to manage the workplace as they sees fit.  After all, they are in the business to make money, not argue with employees and babysit.  Those who disagree can leave as far as they're concerned.  How the employee chooses to leave or comply is up to the employee. 

3. Your metabolism may eventually slow down for any reason.  In my early 20s, I could exercise and workout and eat whatever I wanted.  Albeit, I still ate a lot of healthy foods.  I was also a smoker mind you, and I would binge drink just about every other weekend.  Flash forward to my late 20's and early 30's and I literally have to eat less than the calories I expend throughout exercise to maintain a healthy weight.  My metabolism slowed down.  Part of it could be stress and anxiety that causes metabolism to slow down, or I just don't pay as much attention as I should to what I eat and when I eat.  I don't smoke or drink like I did when I was younger either.  The cigarettes did play a role in how much I ate from what I do remember.

4. Living with a partner and/or marrying them will increase financial spending and risks.  I could save more when living alone.  For some reason, it is becoming more and more difficult to do just that when you have a partner, married or not.  The government will recognize you as common law if you are not married, but living together and your taxes will reflect that each February-April.  I never had to owe taxes before being married, but I can sure as shit tell you that I did after.  My wife doesn't make as much as I do, but also needs more money that she doesn't have for certain items.  This puts plans for savings on hold more often than not.  The most recent expenditure was an air conditioner and those aren't cheap.

5. Simply quitting your job is not an option when you have bills to pay.  As much as you might want to quit your job because you hate your boss and think he is the biggest asshole, it is simply not an option.  It shouldn't be an option even when you are single and have to pay bills or when married and have dependents relying on you.  If your job doesn't require any marketable skills to move on to the next job, it will be up to you to upgrade your skills as necessary as your boss may not be interested in helping you out.  For example, you may want a clerical job elsewhere after working forklift jobs for a few years.  However, most jobs require the clerical experience and your boss doesn't want to give you clerical experience.  At this point, leaving won't be an option until you have the requisite experience. one way or another, or you can get an entry level clerical job elsewhere. 

6. There is no security in your job.  Goes with number 5 and to a certain degree, number 1 on this list either.  With employers wanting to pay cheaper and cheaper, the only option is to find a skill-set you can market yourself to succeed with.  Failure to do so will end up resulting in your job being lost one day and being replaced by either automation or a cheaper and easier to pay employee.

7. There is no security in your relationships. Outside of God and a relationship with Jesus (I am a believer btw), or your family, you will find no security in a relationship with anyone.  These people are only going to be around as long as it benefits them to do so.  More often than not, people don't want to be around a person they see as being too negative, or being too miserable.  It doesn't matter if you speak truth if the viewpoint is that you are being negative and toxic.  Negativity and truth can correlate together often as some people just want to enjoy life as they know it. 

8. You simply cannot allow anything to consume you/Learn to forgive.  Didn't get that promotion?  My previous entry will tell you I am in that same boat.  Don't get too focused on it and angry about it or you may end up behaving in a less professional manner (even if you don't realize it).  Partner cheated on you and you felt like you didn't deserve such treatment?  I have been there too in the past and the only real option is to just let it all go.  In my case, I let them go too as I knew I wouldn't be able to trust that person again. 
Fact of the matter is that people who allow themselves to be consumed by all the shit that has happened to them have a hard time letting things go.  In other words, they have a hard time forgiving the past.  These people also wonder why the people in their lives don't want anything to do with them anymore.  The fact is that people who are too caught up in the past sins that have been committed against them don't listen to other people.  It's as if there is no voice of reason.  Don't be that person.

9. Learning to forgive will relieve some of your stresses.  This is one I know I have a hard time remembering, but you will feel a heavy burden lifted off you when you learn to forgive.  It is better to learn this for yourself then to ask others.  You can ask God, or family for forgiveness, but you can never truly ask others as they may be too hardened to forgive you.  So do the forgiving for yourself and just let go.  You will definitely feel better for it.  I know it isn't always easy for me, but I know I can feel better when I do let something go.

What is a disgruntled employee and how should I avoid becoming one?

I have been having my own problems at work recently, and considering this is my third entry on my work experience in the last year, it should come as no surprise to people who have been reading.  I do work in a unionized environment and we do have a code of conduct policy that may restrict my ability to reveal certain information about my company.  I also prefer to keep anonymous as much as possible to avoid be asked information.  So I can tell you information about my workplace that has resulted in the departure of some employees.  Some employees who have been fired eventually got their jobs back.  However, we have a new provincial government and they may make it more difficult for me to get my job back in the event that I were to ever be fired (I work for a crown corporation, which means I am in the public sector).  That being said, I cannot speak on behalf of my employer and this blog is simply my experience being shared and my opinion on what I think happens or will happen at work.

I look at my experience and I ultimately realize that people become disgruntled for the following reasons:

1. Denied promotion for no valid reason: This did happen to another employee who had to fight for 7 months to get their promotion through the grievance process.  I filed a grievance more recently because I was denied a temporary job assignment with no valid reason given.  In both of our cases, management couldn't give an explanation as to why. 

2. No recognition for good work and improving performances:  I have had good couple years at work.  However, management wants to continue holding the past against me.  They are making it clear to me that they are more than happy to me move the field goal posts further and further back.

3. No incentive to move forward: In connection with number 2 above, if improvement can't be acknowledged, then the small victories can't or won't be celebrated.  What would be the point in doing a good job if there is no reward for it?

4. Grievance process is drawn out over long periods of time: This may ring true in a unionized environment with a Collective Bargaining Agreement.  In this case, your being disgruntled may be directed at your union representatives as well as your management team.  You just want your grievance to go along smoothly and as quickly as possible.  However, when your grievance ends up taking 12-24 months to get to arbitration (and it doesn't get thrown out or union settles for less than what you are owed), you start getting pissed off even more.  Personally, I have not gone to arbitration yet, so I can't say I have been screwed over by my union in that regard... yet.  I have seen others take forever.  The only advice that can be given is to just let the process sort things out.  But if you are like me however:

5. You have too many grievances: You have been wronged enough times by your management team that you may be putting in a lot of grievances.  Regardless of how wrong management might be, if you keep filing grievances instead of letting decisions go, they will have no problem letting arbitration sort out your mess.  At this point, I have to understand that I might win a couple, but it will most certainly come at a cost to the relationship with the employer.  You can't expect to win some grievances without your employer taking it personally.  I myself will have to be prepared to live with that.

6. Management shows a total lack of respect to the employees:  The most recent grievance I was referring to in number 1 is what I will be referring to here.  I ended up finding out in a text message from a co-worker on another shift that the position I had applied for was given to someone else.  Management felt it was necessary to not give me any notice ahead of time, or pull me aside to inform me of the decision.  This was piss poor tact no matter how you look at it in a unionized environment, especially if you want that employee affected to be respectful and accepting of your decision making.  The only reason management would want to do this however may have to do with the fact that they want to make it clear that they don't respect you or like you.  In other words, they may not have cause to fire me, but want me to quit without having to offer a severance package.

To avoid becoming disgruntled:  I have no real advice for you that would make me not look like a hypocrite.  But I would imagine that you would have to pick your own battles and take the grievances that matter the most to you to arbitration and argue those grievances.  You will have to understand that the arguments are out of your control once you go past the necessary stages that occur before arbitration (you have to argue to management that you were wronged and deserve what you are asking for).  Also keep your arguments with management away from your fellow employees.  The more you complain to other employees, the more likely you will receive complaints about being your attitude and it may affect the morale of the workplace.  You will still have to maintain a high level of professionalism if you choose to stay around in the environment in which management has caused you to be disgruntled.  Your attitude before arbitration will ultimately be considered.  Be careful what you say and to who. 

I don't know the management perspective of how they deal with a disgruntled employee.  But I imagine they will have to nip any issues in the bud as they occur.  If they don't, that will be the warning sign that they don't care and want you to leave despite having no cause to fire you.  Now if management does want you gone, they will fire you if they see you making mistakes as a result of being disgruntled  That is why I recommend being as professional as possible as it will help your argument.  If management doesn't care that you are disgruntled and wants you gone, you will feel like you are walking on eggshells.  The first excuse they can find to fire you with cause (meaning possibility of severance is significantly reduced), expect them to pull the trigger.

In my unionized environment, I have only heard the rumours that management does offer payouts to employees they don't want back.  It appears that the payouts would have to be something substantial in order to get the employee to not come back.  I have seen some employees return a couple years after being fired too since there had to be an underlying issue for that employee's dismissal.

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My Toronto Blue Jays all-time roster.

Compared to what I normally write on my blog (and when I do get around to writing), I usually write something closer to the heart.  This post, I decided I would rather have some more fun with the writing.  I grew up a big baseball fan and loved the Toronto Blue Jays.  Mind you, some of the players I put on this list played before I was born.  But I thought if I could name my all-time roster, I will.

The conditions are simple: The players must have had an impact regardless of how long they have played with the Blue Jays, and we must have no more than four reserves for the outfield and infield positions.  Only one backup DH and catcher.  The starting rotation will consist of 6 pitchers and a starter could end up being named as a long relief pitcher if he didn't make the starting rotation cut on my list.  Here is the list:

Starting Catcher- Pat Borders- This was a bit of a close call over Russel Martin, but Pat Borders played more years with the Blue Jays and at a younger age compared to when Russel Martin joined the Blue Jays as veteran.  Pat Borders had a good arm behind the plate to throw out potential base stealers and his crowning achievement was being on the two world Series teams and being named the 92 World Series MVP.

Backup Catcher- Russel Martin- He can be referred to as the man that helped end the longest playoff droughts in the last 25 years in Major League Baseball.  He helped Pittsburgh end it's 22 year  playoff drought in 2013.  His batting average has dropped over the last couple years and he came to the Blue Jays late in his career and his career at this point looks to be over in the next couple years.

Staring infield-

1st Base- Carlos Delgado- The Blue Jays had no shortage of great first baseman.  John Olerud and Edwin Encarnacion come to mind as great Blue Jays first basemen.  But Carlos Delgado had to take this one due to his combined power and batting average as well as patience at the plate.  While not as good a fielder as Olerud was, he was a solid everyday starter at first base.  Is the only Blue Jay player to hit 4 home runs in a game.  

2nd Baseman- Roberto Alomar- Five years, five gold gloves, five all-star appearances.  Had tremendous speed, hit well for average and had possibly the best fielding range of any second baseman during his era.  His best moments include a game tying home run off Dennis Eckersley in the 1992 ALCS game 4, and an amazing diving catch in Game 1 of the 93 World Series to rob Lenny Dykstra (would be MVP if the Phillies won) of a sure base hit.

3rd Basemen- Josh Donaldson- I don't think I have seen any other Blue Jays player outside of Joe Carter to help reinvigorate a franchise quite like Josh Donaldson has.  His first two years as a Blue Jay resulted in winning Season MVP honours over Mike Trout and 2 straight ALCS appearances.  Was the catalyst of a potent Blue Jays offense and is a 30 home run- 100 RBI threat every year he has played in Toronto.  It doesn't stop there as Donaldson comes up with a clutch play to help the Blue Jays win like he did in game 3 of the ALDS against Texas.  

Shortstop- Tony Fernandez- Was an excellent defender on the field and helped the Blue Jays to the 93 World series.  Also had good batting average for the Blue Jays and was capable of swiping a bag or two here or there.  But it will always be his defensive range that I will remember him for. Not many ground balls could escape the infield between 2nd and 3rd when Tony Fernandez was at Shortstop.

Backup Infielders- John Olerud, Orlando Hudson, Troy Tulowitzki , Kelly Gruber

John Olerud was the only Blue Jay to win a batting title in 93 and had good fielding range and won 2 World Series.  Orlando Hudson was the second best Second basemen the Blue Jays had and won one Gold Glove for his defense.  Troy Tulowitzki was a key upgrade over Jose Reyes at shortstop and helped the Blue Jays to the playoffs when he came in 2015.  Kelly Gruber is a sentimental favourite of mine and played well for the Blue Jays for a few seasons at third.

Honorable Mention- Ryan Goins, Fred McGriff, Aaron Hill.

Starting Outfield

Right Field- Jose Bautista- This was an easier choice and the Blue Jays had some honorable mentions in the outfield to.  And no, despite the fact that he played a few years in Right field, Joe Carter has been listed as a Left Fielder (more on him in a bit).  Bautista was a consistent 30 home run and 100 RBI threat and had one of the best throwing arms in the outfield.  His fielding was decent and his crowning moment was the home run and bat flip in the 2015 ALDS against the Texas Rangers.

Centre Fielder- Devon White- 5 Gold gloves, 2 World Series and one all star appearance as a Blue Jay.  Was usually lead off hitter with good batting average and capable of hitting 15 home runs and 60 plus RBIs and scoring runs, and with his speed was a consistent base stealing threat.  Usually didn't see him dive or slide for pop flies as he able to snag a pop fly on his feet with ease.  His batting average in the playoffs during his stay with the Blue Jays was .336 which was better than his regular season average.  Devon was key contributor in the post season.

Left Fielder- Joe Carter- He just had to be in the starting outfield.  I recall him playing Right Field more often than Left, but I had to make sure he was in the starting rotation with Bautista on my list.  Joe was Mr. Clutch for the Blue Jays as no other player I could think of came up with the Big plays more than Joltin Joe did.  Was the first Blue Jay player to hit a home run in the World Series (and RBI) was the first to hit a home run on Canadian Soil in the World Series (and first RBI) and was involved in the final play of both of the Blue Jays world Series wins.  The most notable play was the 93 World Series walk off home run.

Reserve Outfielders- George Bell, Vernon Wells, Shawn Green, Jesse Barfield

George Bell and Jesse Barfield were before my time, and they played in what was considered a very strong outfield with Lloyd Moseby during the 1980s.  George Bell won the 1987 regular season MVP.  Vernon Wells was a consistent pick to win a Gold Glove when he was the Blue Jays centre fielder, but may have been overpaid late in his tenure and was then traded.  Shawn Green was slowly becoming a consistent 30 home run 30 stolen base threat when he left in free agency in 1999.

Honorable Mentions- Lloyd Moseby, Kevin Pillar, Raul Mondesi, Shannon Stewart

Designated Hitter- Edwin Enarnacion- Played first base, but was more well known as a DH.  Was probably the best run producer the Blue Jays had in the 2010s and this is with a team that consists of Josh Donaldson and Jose Bautista.  Consistently a threat for 40 home runs and 100 or more RBIs.  The home run in the 2016 AL Wild Card game was arguably his greatest moment.

Reserve DH- Paul Molitor- Consistent with the bat, had a 22 home run and 22 stolen base season in 1993 with a 200 plus hit season and a .326 batting average (2nd that season to Olerud in the American League).  Played even better in the post season with a World Series MVP to his credit.

Honorable Mention- Dave Winfield

Starting Pitching- 

1. Roy Halladay- RIP Doc.  You are the opening day starter in my opinion even over Roger Clemens due to the fact that Clemens only played two seasons to Roy's 11.  Consistent threat for a Cy Young award and was usually among the leaders for Innings pitched each year.  Just missed out on pitching no hitters until he was traded to Philly where he pitched a perfect game in just his second month there.

2. Roger Clemens- In two seasons in Toronto, Roger Clemens won the pitching triple crown (lead league in wins, ERA, and strike outs) both years and the AL Cy Young award for best pitcher.  His two years lead to a career renaissance of sorts.  But unhappy with the lack of success with the team, he asked for a trade after the second season of a 4 year deal he signed.  

3. Dave Steib- Was a model of consistency for the Blue Jays pitching during the 1980s.  Only one pitcher won more games than he did in the 1980s and that would be Jack Morris (also a Blue Jay in 92-93, but not on this list).  Pitched the only Blue Jays no hitter, and was able to finish games he started win or lose.

4. Jimmy Key- The only left hander in this rotation.  Would average 14 wins a season and would eat up more than 200 innings consistently as well.  Could be relied on for a solid start when he pitched.

5. Pat Hentgen- The only Cy Young award winner outside of Halladay and Clemens.  His best years in the 90s saw him consistently pitch 200 innings or more, and pitch 19 wins or more seasons at least twice.  Was an innings eater, but his ERA could have been better which is why he ends up in the 5th spot.

6th (spot starts)- Marcus Stroman- The only current starting pitcher I can put on this list.  I don't think anyone has the desire to compete and win like Stroman does.  His size has me wondering if he can be consistent for as long as some of the other pitchers on this list were.  

Honorable Mentions- Juan Guzman, Aaron Sanchez, Todd Stottlemyre, David Wells.

Relief Pitching-

Long relief- David Wells- Was more well known as a starter, but also pitched relief during the first World Series run thanks to the signing of Jack Morris and sudden emergence of Juan Guzman.  Was one of the four pitchers to win 20 games for the Blue Jays in a season which is why I picked him for long relief.

Middle Relief- Brett Cecil and Paul Quantrill- I think the Blue Jays missed Cecil a little during the 2017 season as they hadn't a better left handed relief pitcher over the last few years.  Paul Quantrill was consistent during his stay with the Blue Jays to eat up some of the middle relief innings.  Outside of Guzman and Hentgen, the starting pitching in Toronto was horrid in 1996 and it reflected on Quantrill's numbers negatively.  His numbers after were much better and he wasn't used as much as a spot starter and was transferred to the bullpen where he pitched well.

7th inning- Roberto Osuna and Mike Timlin- Maybe down the road, Osuna will be known as the best closer in Blue Jays history.  But now it is too soon to tell.  He is able to strike out batters consistently and when he gets on a roll, he can't be hit.  However, he is streaky and sometimes can blow a few save opportunities in a row.  Mike Timlin was better after he left Toronto and won two more World Series in Boston.  He was a good relief pitcher in Toronto and that can't be taken away from him.

Setup man- Duane Ward- Any fan of the late 80s and early 90s Blue Jays can see where I am going with the Closer spot.  Duane Ward closed out many games during that time period and was excellent strike out pitcher.  He took the closing spot for good in 1993 after the following man left for Texas.

Closer- Tom Henke- The Terminator was his nickname as he was able to finish out games consistently without blowing an opportunity.  However, he was known to get off to a slow start each season which is why Duane Ward was often the closer early in the season during his stay.

Honorable Mentions- Casey Janssen, Mark Eichorn.

Are you fiercely determined to accomplish your goals?

This was just coming to my mind recently and throughout the last four months.  I got married back in July and my brother was the Master of Ceremonies at the wedding.  He said some things about me at the reception during his speech that had me thinking of the past.  For example, I told him back in 2014 that I had stopped smoking (this time for good as I still haven't touched a cigarette since).  During his comments, he joked about how he asked me "So who is the girl?"  After the joke, he commented about my fierce determination and focus that I had.  It appeared that once my mind was set on something, I would likely accomplish my goals.  I stopped smoking because I set out to do so one way or another.  It took 2 long years to do it, but it finally happened.  Of course, like my brother mentioned, it happened after I met my wife.

But I also had to look back 10 years ago even.  I remember being overweight and close to 260 lbs and not really fit and no exercising at all.  I recall being close to 300 lbs at one point after I left high school.  But something lit a spark for me around 2008.  A new job at a pizza place, and in my last semester of the first program, I started to work out at the gym.  I also did some running and watched as I progressed further and further with my running as the months and years came along.  I remember being able to run 5 miles (after I stopped smoking for the first time) by 2012.  Of course, the setback came after I started smoking again.  No way in hell was I able to accomplish 5 miles again after that.
Weightlifting and training was awesome as well.  I remember eventually being able to squat about 270 lbs and deadlift at least 300 lbs by 2011-2012 as well.

The reason for all of this was the determination of course.  Within the first year of this training, I changed my eating habits drastically as well and managed to cut my weight down to as low as 175 lbs.  This is something my brother did bring up during the wedding as well as when he mentioned the fierce determination.  However, it was clear that I needed to put on muscle.  That was where the weight training came in.  I regularly weighed between 180-185 after with some solid muscle mass.  I remember enjoying the body I had back in 2009-2012.  My body didn't always look the same, nor did I have any six pack abs, but my motivation to succeed came from there.

Shortly around May of 2012, and now having lived away from home for two years, something happened.  It is almost like I realized that being an adult kind of sucked.  You can look at my blog entries from that time period as I spent a lot of time writing in 2012-2013.  When I met my wife, I stopped writing.  I do remember being a little obsessed with finding a girlfriend at the time and I had a couple meltdowns because the types I was meeting just weren't working out too well.  I recall beating myself up over these things too.  But what I do remember bothering me the most at the time was the fact that I had few friends to hang out with and I knew I needed to meet some people.  So I believe around this time, I switched my focus from exercising and working out to working on my social skills and going to meetup events through meetup.com.  I ended up making friends there, some of which have come and gone and others who are still around as friends.  I also met a few ladies, one of which became my wife

After a couple years away from the gym, and periodically going out for runs outside here and there, I decided to get back into weight training.  I do remember things getting tough as I was always getting sick or hurt as well.  Eventally, the illnesses were determined to be allergies and sinuses, which meant I had to find a way to work around this.  However, I remember some back, leg and foot injuries occurred which did discourage me a little bit from trying certain exercises.  Eventually, I started seeing a physio to help correct some bad posture and form when doing exercises.  I got back into proper running and and starting to see things lift off again.  Albeit, right now, I weigh between 220-230 lbs.  Being older and eating some of the same foods don't work out to well when it comes to weight loss, so of course I am little bit overweight.  But I am noticing a lot of improvements with the running and the weightlifting, so I simply don't care as much about the weight.  I just have to avoid certain foods if I want to take my weight more seriously.

It was recently I started thinking about what my brother said a lot more, especially now that I am up to running 3 miles again after about 3 months of working at it.  I asked myself, "what the hell happened in the last few years, and why was my motivation missing?"  I was beginning to wonder why I struggled with trying to meet goals and missing so much work.  Why couldn't I focus on getting better and making my days more enjoyable?   Where was my energy?  Well, it's like the age old saying goes: you got to use energy to create energy.  My motivation was gone because I had little energy, and I wasn't using what little energy I had to create more of it.  I also asked why I wasn't doing more writing and why I wasn't motivated to do more of that.  But hopefully, I can sort that out soon and should write blogs regardless of what is on my mind.  Hopefully the more I write, the better my writing becomes.

Does my employer like me or not (Part 2).

Again, I will reiterate from my last post four months ago that I don't speak on behalf of my employer.  I will not be naming my employer as well.  

Over the course of the summer, I have found my attendance improved from the last year.  My absenteeism rate was cut by half.  No meetings had been scheduled with me to discuss my issues.  I also got married in the summer and also put in lots of overtime at work before my wedding, and some more hours after my wedding.  However, some things I have noticed, or never thought about before have come to my attention.  First of all, this could be simple paranoia as well.  After all, i am a diagnosed Aspie and I have had bouts of anxiety in the past that lead to some pretty severe meltdowns.  I don't feel anxious about anything at all currently.  I just feel that from my experience that I have seen my employer try and come at me and my fellow employees too many times.  It seems as if the employer wants to see what he can get away with, and which employees are the easy targets.

 
1. Social media policy-  This one is a new one and cannot be proven.  It might be my imagination running around a little.  I happened to notice that someone at work has harmlessly posted a sheet for fellow coworkers to post their PS4 or Xbox login ids for clan games on the new Call of Duty game coming out in a couple weeks.  It looks like it could be a lot of fun.  But I will choose not to participate because I can kind of see where this can go.  For me personally, I choose not to appear online when I happen to be at home sick, or off that day due to an injury and have to miss work.  I also choose to not play a video game during work hours as well.

I have learned from the PS4 features that just because you appear offline doesn't mean that your friends can't see you online if they are playing the same game as them.  The game servers don't have an "appear offline" option.  So with that being said, playing a game online is done at your own risk.  But where does the social media policy come from?  Well, if my fellow employees decide to identify where they work and they behave badly on a video game server, what is to stop them from being reported to my employer?  I mean, could we rule out being fired for saying something stupid/racist/homophobic on a video game chat?  I have no doubt in my mind that this could happen.  Not saying anyone I work with will do it, but I certainly don't want to be involved if this somehow ever happens.

2. Outside of work activities-
a. I know I loosely covered this on my last entry.  But something actually did happen to me at the gym that forced me to miss three days of work.  I dropped 45 lbs of weight on my foot and had to miss work because of it.  I couldn't walk properly for a few days and this happened around a holiday weekend to boot.  I didn't return to work until the second day after the holiday and I was on 6 hour days for that week rather than 8 hours.  I also chose not to go to the gym after the 6 hours since my doctor had given documentation saying I couldn't work beyond 6 hours.  That implied that I could only be on my feet for 6 hours.  So why go to the gym?  I figure it would have been a one in one million chance of being caught, but I have a saying as well: Don't be that one in a million that gets caught doing something they shouldn't be doing.

Anyway, it turns out my employer hasn't approached me on this issue yet.  But there was something I had said to one employee right before leaving work the day I got injured.  About 45 minutes later, I get hurt.  Another employee happened to be at the gym watching me report the injury.  This meant that I would have to be honest with my employer.  However, I came back to work to hear that my coworkers were accusing me (behind my back) that I was faking the injury and wanted an extra long weekend.  Could my employer take stock into what my employees say about me?  Yes, he could, but it could be considered harassment too and I would have to prove it to be harassment.  What would my employer say about this incident?

b. To follow this trend, our employers have also encouraged us to share our personal activities at work.  Knowing that I have been picked on by some fellow employees and managers for outside activities due to some injuries in the past and also considering that attendance issues have been discussed before, I elected not to participate.  I prefer to keep my personal outside of work activities private rather than divulge too much information at work.  Sure, exercise actually helps balance my mood and strengthens my weak areas, but I don't expect my employer to care about that if he believes that it is impacting my ability to show up to work.

In conclusion, I have determined over the course of the summer that I have to be careful what kind of information I divulge with my employer at work.  The reason why is because of some past injuries and missed time due to said injuries.  The more he knows, the more he can use against me.  Of course, the less your fellow employees know, the less they can go to your employer with as well.  Ultimately, I have also learned that my fellow employees might even be worse than my employer because employees can never keep their mouth shut.  So, it is clear to me that I must keep some secrets to myself.

Does my boss dislke me and want me gone?

I should note that I do not speak on behalf of my employer.  I will not name my employer either as I am bound to a Business code of conduct and cannot speak directly to what is going on in my company. The below is an opinion of mine based on personal experience and isn't what the company states to be true.

This is an age old question.  Perhaps I am writing this right now because I can truthfully say that I have asked this question to myself many times in the last three years.  There is a lot of sufficient evidence to suggest this.  I work in a unionized environment and the job I do is physically laborious.  So I am more prone to workplace injuries to my back, legs and other areas of my body that are required for lifting.  The worse I am finding is that my back pain is more in line to how strong my hip flexors and hip muscles are (perhaps a different topic for next week).  However, as I mentioned I work in a unionized environment and I have maxed out on my pay as well.  I am not getting anymore merit raises anytime soon.

The reasons why some might ask why their employer dislikes them could be for the following reasons.  I know I have seen some examples of these in the workplace.

1. Getting hurt either at work or outside work.- My employer likes to act like an insurance agent in these scenarios from what I see.  They like to ask so many questions as to where the injury was, how it happened and even like to ask what you like to do with your personal time.  From what I have experience in a physical labour job, answering the question about what kind of exercises you do on your personal time will get you into trouble.  No reasonable employer will ask you to not work out or exercise at the gym because they are "worried it would impact your ability to go to work."  The only exception to that might be if you are doing extreme types of training (MMA or Olympic training for example). 

But when your employer has the nerve to ask you while you are on a modified duties program at work, ""How much weight can you bench press Mike?" Take heed.  Your employer is very likely going to use this information to limit liability and possibly influence any insurance payment you might get down the road.  My answer to this question was "I don't worry about the numbers.  I worry about optimizing my muscles."  Which is truth.  I wouldn't recommend worrying about the numbers at the gym.  Worry about activating your muscles properly and making sure they get worked out and get stronger.  Worry about doing the exercises safely.  However, if you are recommended by a doctor or other medical practitioner to limit your weightlifting at work, I would recommend applying this to your workout exercises as well (ie. don't lift more than 50 lbs at the gym if you are told not to lift more than that at work).  I don't know for sure how easy it is for such information to come back to haunt you, but with technology and social media being what it is today, I wouldn't take the chance.

2.  Missed time/absenteeism- In connection with number one, you will have to be careful about missed days.  My employer hates this with a passion it seems.  So much so, that even injuries that are beyond your control appear to be pet peeves of his.  I have seen instances in many jobs I worked in which urgent care matters (ie. PA day at school for your kid, but babysitter calls in sick leaving you stranded to make a last minute decision for your child's safety) have been held against an employee.  Ultimately, the employee has chosen to leave the company in situations which they know arguing will be too costly, or they know the employer just won't listen to reason.  I will not speculate on why the employer chooses to do this, but I do know that many employers want to pay less and less to employees these days if they can get away with it. 

I like to believe most employers will be reasonable about absenteeism.  I like to believe that they will acknowledge doctor notes and special emergency circumstances.  However, if a pattern develops, they will likely start disliking you for the pattern of absences you have shown them.  They will especially dislike you if you work in a union environment and there is little they can do about your patterns.  I find in these situations, you can expect to receive letters of counsel or discipline that will go on your file.  The reason behind this is when you eventually choose to file a grievance against your employer, they can argue your patterns of absenteeism, that you don't take discipline well or that you simply have an attitude problem.  The letters are going to be on your file, and you can expect them to use these against you under these circumstances.

3. What is and isn't on your employee file- Sometimes an employer has to correct his wrongdoings, and sometimes you have to hand documentation in that will help protect you in your employment.  Most reasonable employers will not mess with the information that is on your file.  But I do find that in some places I have worked, and depending on who you are, the employer may act like you have never given them certain information before even though you know you have.  In these circumstances, you need to protect yourself and always have copies of documents you provide them for your own records.  This is where you make sure someone from HR themselves (whether they are on your side or not doesn't matter), receives a copy and stamps a date and time received on your copy of any documents provided.  I can assure you they will make sure there is multiple copies of any documents they give you.

In the situation in which you have a grievance hearing and you win and letters are to be taken off your file or re-written, it will be your duty to follow up with HR and look at your file.  You will want to do this to make sure that the management team and HR actually comply with the grievance award as the management team may want to see what they can get away with and push again.  I have had a letter before in which I was accused of making a false statement in a meeting when minutes recorded from that meeting showed that I never actually made such a statement they accused me of making.  They refused to change the letter and I had to push forward with a grievance.  They ultimately changed the wording of the letter.  A meeting on a similar issue proved to me that they kept the updated letter on their file.  

4. Exclusion from certain activities. This tends to happen when an employee challenges the employer on a health and safety issue, or a policy issue at work.  Whether the employee does it privately (possible grievance procedure plays out here), or publicly at a staff meeting (happens when private matters go nowhere or keep stalling), the employer will let it be known to you that he didn't appreciate you challenging him.  What I have seen, the employer will be pretty subtle in letting you know.

I challenged the employer on a health and safety issue after I got hurt and ended up missing time because of this injury.  Because this injury happened outside of work, I had meetings about the issue.  I also found a little while later that the employer was also challenged by someone else on the same health and safety issue.  Eventually an ergonomic assessment was done on the issue me and the other employee had.  But what we found is that the employer excluded us from participating in this assessment.  It gave us the opinion that our manager didn't want us to "hurt" the report they expected back from the assessor.  These things can and will happen if management will want to run a business a certain way regardless of safety issues.

5. Denying leave for no reason or because they can- You can google the question "Can my employer deny me time off for my own wedding?" and you might be surprised with that result. The answer to that question in my province is "yes, they can."  Whether you like it or not, the employers have that much say in either approving or denying leave.  Now I have never seen an employer deny leave for that reason in my work experience.  I think doing so would be a sign of bad faith.  However, I am also finding out based on the patterns of absenteeism rule that they can ask for documentation regardless of how insensitive that sounds.  Failure to provide a document would likely result in disciplinary action at it's most extreme punishment.  However, the most likely thing to happen would be that you don't get paid vacation (if your company gives you credits) for that day in question.  My fellow employees would definitely file a grievance based on that decision by management if it ever happens.

I also find that vacation leave is hard for my employer to cancel on an employee once it is approved as well.  They can, however, (to the best of my knowledge) cancel planned emergency leaves at the last minute as I have seen them do it at least twice in the last couple years.  Planned emergency leaves usually require the employee to leave for medical visits with a doctor or dentist.  This of course though will put a strain on the employees wallet as he or she will likely have to pay the cancellation fee.  In my workplace, some employees might choose to grieve such a decision if management refuses to reimburse the cancellation fee.

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These are just one of many things that employer does when he doesn't like a certain employee based on experience.  Not all of them will be accurate based on your experience.  But I know what I have seen with others in my work experience and what my employers have done to others.  None of which I have stated was the worst thing I have ever seen.  If anyone here reading this has a story that they want to share, feel free to so in the comments.  I would advise to refrain from telling a story that could get them in trouble with their business's code of conduct or conflict of interest policies.

What's Wrong with me and dating? Or is it them?

Headnote: Keep in mind, I have not posted or written on this blog in three years.  What I write may not be as lucid or clear like some of the writing I have previously done.

I remember in my early to mid twenties how strange and difficult dating could be.  My hormones raged and I remember really wanting sex.  A person with Aspergers wanting to get laid?  Apparently a very scary thought from what we have observed in the past in circumstances like the Elliot Roger incident 3 years back.  Except, was that man really an Aspie?  Or just suspected?  I don't recall any official report saying he was. 

I am about to get married in the next couple months, so maybe I am a little out of touch with singles looking to mingle.  I may not be 100% certain of what struggles they are going through now in their attempts to find a date and not be lonely every night of the week.  But I remember being there and I remember the struggle was real.  I remember feeling like crap and wondering what I did wrong on many occasions.  I also remember the overthinking of every little aspect of my dating life.  You keep asking all of these little questions like "Was that the right time to text her?  Did I write too much?  Did I write too little?  Should I call her back immediately?"   Yeah, all that stuff.  Overthinking when I should call or text someone to ask them out.  All this because of previous experience of people getting mad at me for whatever reason.  Perhaps we forget that people get mad, but not necessarily at us.  But since we were there at the time they needed to vent, we assume they were mad at us.

Ok, maybe the person really wasn't mad at you to begin with.  I get that.  People are allowed to be frustrated and angry and vent.  Something we tend to forget is people are allowed to express these feelings and need someone to talk to.  We let people vent provided they control their temper as well, or otherwise we wouldn't listen.  Sometimes though, these people we were dating didn't want to hear you vent.  But if you lack the self-esteem like most Aspies did in their dating life, you always think it is you and not them.  This is a very depressing road to go down.  You overthink your every action and lose the self confidence.  You overthink every word and suddenly become afraid to talk to women.

Any self respecting individual will know when the other person is full of it and when they aren't.  I know from an Aspie male's experience (remember I frequented Wrongplanet.net and me and other men were very much alike), that we tend to take the blame for everything that goes wrong in a potential relationship.  It makes us doormats to be short and others see this.  No self respecting woman will date us.  Opportunists on the other hand will see a chance to take something from us and take it and do whatever they want with us.  Those people eventually disappear as well. 

Part of the problem with overthinking is that we tend to forget who we are and become something we aren't.  You start asking for advice from others, like on wrongplanet or pof for example.  However, the problem with opinions on the internet is that too many opinions are thrown at you.  You also start thinking that being who you are isn't working and you become something you aren't.  This is a also a dangerous trap that leads some Aspies into PUA articles and websites.  

But the thought has to occur at some point that maybe it isn't all on us.  It takes time and some reflection to gain the self confidence to realize that it isn't always us.  In some scenarios, it really should have only taken a no response from someone, or rude behaviour from someone else to realize that it may not have been me.  Sure, I can reflect and look at a situation and say to myself "I could have done better here."  However, I should still be able to walk away with no regrets.  No regret because I knew I did my best and I was myself the whole time.  If I lost my temper, or said something rude myself, I remember that I need to improve there.  But I shouldn't hate myself for it.

Lessons to reflect on

As I read through the forums and through online articles, I notice that there are a lot of interesting comments.  I, just like everyone else, has an opinion to share.  But I have observed the following things in my life and realize the importance behind each lesson I have learned.

1. Be thankful for each day: God has opened my eyes to some things and I am thankful for every day that passes now and every day that I have.  Each day brings something to me that I can share with others.
2. It doesn't matter who has it easier: I always see people argue about who has it easier in life than others.  Sometimes we believe that others aren't getting what they deserve and neither are we.  Why focus on others and how easy we think they have it in life?  The majority of the time, we end up finding out that they don't actually have it that easy at all.
3. Learn what forgiveness is: Ultimately, to keep loving friends and family in your life, you have to be able to learn how to forgive these people for their trespasses against you.  It also doesn't hurt to forgive those who have left your life either.  In fact, forgiving all those from your past for any wrongdoing is far more healthy than holding a grudge, and is also more pleasing to my Lord and Saviour.
4. Noone is ever truly looking for romance: Many people look for romantic relationships, but end up finding them for the wrong reasons.  Many friendships also develop and love is also developed between friends.  Romance happens for a reason and it can't really be forced or manipulated.  For those who do force romance, observe how happy these people truly are and you may be in for a surprise.
5. To guys with romantic girlfriends: The reasons you like your girlfriend will more often than not be the same reasons other guys like your girlfriend.  Some will try and convince your girlfriend to dump you and be with them instead (even if for one thing only).  The clever ones will know not to overstep her boundaries, but will often attempt to overstep yours in attempts to make you react in a manner that will scare your girl away from you.  Smart guys will be supportive and leave it alone and move on to the next one.
6. To girls with romantic boyfriends: There will be other girls that like your boyfriend for the same reasons you do.  However, it should be easy to spot people who will support your relationships and your decisions.  There will be friends in your life that simply don't like your choice of boyfriends, so the choice will be up to you what to do when they speak up.
7.  Misery truly does love company: Nothing can be truer for when you open up about what is bothering you.  Your loved ones and good friends will support you when you are feeling down and will be happy to see you come back up again after a rough period in your life.  Most other people would like to keep you down to boost their own egos.
8. Don't try to fool yourself: and don't try to fool God either.  God always knows when you are trying to fool him and it will eat away at you if you even try.  Be honest with yourself and God and open up all your thoughts and feelings to god and repent when you need to.  This is the most important step to understanding forgiveness.

Cheating and Forgiveness Among Men and Women.

We find that many people can forgive and forget, and others can't. I have noticed that relationships need a lot of forgiveness and love in order to succeed.  Love and forgiveness often brings joy and peace to the people in your life.  So what happens when someone does something that hurts you?
I have three options:

1. My first option would be to pray to God and look in the direction that I am guided to afterwards.
2. Brood on what I am told and speak about it with people that aren't involved so that they can tell me what to do.
3. Self-destruct and do something I absolutely should not do (Drink myself to drunkenness while I'm upset as an example).

That last option is by far the worst option in my honest opinion.  The second option could lead you either way as what you hear can be either good advice or bad advice.  But if you are looking for a good opinion on that matter, I find the more I talk about my worries, the more negative I get.  Prayer as i am finding it is the best option.  However, remember that the problem you are having needs to be sorted out with anyone that might be involved.  How you handle your side of the problem will determine the response you get from others as well.


Cheating and Forgiveness

I will try to avoid generalizing as much as possible and try to avoid being sexist.  I just want to say that in my experience, I have met these types of people.  Secondly, in the wake of the Elliot Rodger incident, I don't in any way think this is misogynistic at all.  I do believe to a degree that too many people are jumping on the #yesallwomen bandwagon and I know full well that it is being overplayed.  There are women out there that suffer.  But don't mistake this either: men and women can be equally as nasty to each other. 

I have found that in my experience communicating with men and women that it seems that the biggest source of emotional pain for women, or wounded ego (pride) for men is when an affair occurs in a relationship or marriage.  I won't even bother with many of the reasons why people do it.  I do believe to a degree that some men and women will do it for pre-meditated reasons and because the opportunity presented itself.  My stand on cheating is that there isn't any good reason for doing so no matter how you look at it.  I have seen people drive themselves to guilt over the decision to do so and it could have been avoided if they just went to the partner and said "it's over between us" before going to the next person.  However, people do make their own decisions and it doesn't always make sense to me.

Now, from what I have seen, Women seem more likely to take a man back for committing an act of infidelity.  I do believe that because women are more in tune with the emotional side of themselves and therefore can forgive a little easier than men.  In other words: a lot of women don't let their egos get in the way of love.  However, for those that do let their egos get in the way just a little bit, (and this has happened in the past for me and from what I have seen with other issues that occur) an opportunity will present itself for her to get even with the guy.  The guy if he wants to keep the girl will almost always have to grin and bear it.  An unwillingness to accept what you deserve often ends the relationship.  At least that is how some might see it.

The reason why men find it harder to forgive an act of infidelity has more to do with their ego (pride).  Nothing brings a man down quicker than having their pride destroyed by their wife or girlfriend having an affair with someone else.  The guy is likely going to think that she did this because "she believes I'm not good enough."  There could be all sorts of reasons why she chose to cheat, but of course, the question comes down to "Did I deserve this?"  People will tell you that you did if you cheated first.  I don't know for sure if you deserved it.  But i will say this: no you didn't and you shouldn't have to accept the excuses as to why she cheated.  To fall for her justifications and excuses enables her to get away with it again.

The bottom line can easily be a problem or issue within a marriage/relationship.  Maybe someone has a poor sense of boundaries and has no idea what they will tolerate and what their partner will tolerate.  Maybe there are misunderstandings.  More often than not, I find it is: "I want out, but I didn't have the courage to tell you.  So I acted out instead and hoped you would notice."  Of course, people don't like getting caught either and can't bare the responsibility of their actions.

I also had an interesting conversation with a couple girl friends recently about people that stray as well.  One of them actually did say that they find the attitude of looking around while actively involved in a relationship or marriage as selfish.  The belief conveyed was the majority of time, the person looking is not willing to let go of the previous partner unless the new partner can offer something that satisfies their ego.  This is going on the belief that the person doing this is bored and can't stand the responsibilities that come with being a mother/father and a husband/wife.  This is also going on the belief that no amount of love shown to the person behaving this way is good enough.  It's simply a lot of speculation, and I can't really go much further than that on the topic.

But from what I have experienced myself:  I did play the field after a relationship in the past.  I got involved with two ladies around the same time period.  I found out that one person was actively looking for a relationship and was hoping to get it from me.  Although we never had the exclusive talk, she felt that me getting involved with the other girl was cheating.  She indicated a willingness to forgive and allow me the opportunity to clean up, but I instead chose the path of self-destruction and destroyed whatever was left of that friendship and relationship with some hurtful words. 

Of course the next two girls I dated, I am convinced they cheated on my with their ex boyfriends even though I know they won't admit to it.  Yeah, for those who believe in karma, I certainly got what I deserved.  I also question whether they left them, but that doesn't matter anymore either.  The truth is, I'm not willing to take them back and looking back at the experience with the two girls prior, I didn't understand why one would choose to forgive for such an act.  I knew from one of these two that cheated on me that she was looking to see what she could get away with and I wasn't allowing it.

The first of those two taught me a lesson about taking people back: do it once and get away with it, you can do it again and again without consequence.  In other words, you enable the cheating and bad behaviour and choose to do nothing about it.  Guess what happens when you speak up about the poor treatment you receive?  More often than not, I have found myself going about it the wrong way if I allowed someone to blatantly disrespect my boundaries like that.  The person has gotten away with disrespecting and disregarding your boundaries.  The chances are slim they will take you seriously when you are upset about it.

I got involved in quite the mess, and I know that this helped destroy my sense of well being a little.  I knew I shouldn't have allowed the types to continue being too involved in my life.  I did in fact suffer a workplace injury during the time period as well.  The unfortunate part was that it was a concussion.  Considering my history of anxiety and depression and anger issues, the post concussion symptoms were harsh.  I was called a "piece of crap" by that first cheater who appeared to be ready to do it again to her boyfriend, but with another guy.  I was also told I was worse than her boyfriend.  She was also downright criticizing me and I was for some reason allowing it.  Instead of staying away from the environments she frequented to as well (we had many mutual friends and acquaintences), I kept showing up (after a short break from going).  She eventually stopped going to these environments.  Any new friends she made told me that they get frustrated around her at points as well.

Now of course, I have written down and really looked at my past relationships and realize what it is that I will not put up with and what are deal breakers to me now.  I know that many others do the same thing.  I have come to realize that cheating is something that I can forgive, but I sure won't be interested in taking someone back for it.  Having dealt with the pain before and being abused by people who simply didn't care how I felt, why would I deal with that abuse?

A rant against the UCSB shooter.

Edit May 25, 2014-

I wanted to add this to those on the spectrum that might be upset and feeling rather worried.  I felt extremely worried after the Sandy Hook incident myself.  I remember the backlash that went against those diagnosed was nowhere near as bad as I thought it could be.  In fact, I don't recall any backlash at all.
The media focused more on Elliot Rodger's manifesto and video more than they did on a diagnosis.  Other than this blog entry I had written below on the 24th of May, I will not bring up any mention of the topic of this shooter or Sandy Hook in any future blog entry.  The only exception is a brief passing mention in a reflective blog entry about what I might have been going through at the time.

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Here we go again.  I wrote a blog entry 17 months ago detailing how I felt about the shootings committed by a 20 year old named Adam Lanza in Connecticut.  17 months later, we now have a guy killing women because he doesn't like being a virgin at the age of 22?

I was a virgin at the age of 22, and I had a lot of people run their mouths in their life about how being a man meant sleeping with women.  The interesting thing is that over the years, I learned just how full of crap some of these people can be as well.  I also learned that many of these men that claimed that they slept with a high number of women were just braggers who knew far less than they claimed to have actually known.  Granted, some knew what they wanted and that was sex.  I eventually realized that as much fun as sex was, it never actually made me feel happy to just have sex with someone.

I had a busy day on the 24th of May.  I first heard about this incident when me and my girlfriend were heading out to the beach.  She told me some young kid shot up a bunch of women on some street because he was unhappy with being a virgin or because he didn't like being rejected.  I remember saying at the time that I wouldn't be surprised in the least bit if this guy somehow ends up being reported as being diagnosed with Aspergers or Autism.  There was never another time where I hated being right.

Some of my blog readers know I frequently visit and post on the Love and Dating section of wrongplanet.net.  It was when I read this thread (click here) on the website where I found out that I was right and I just cringed.  You will see that many people in this thread are very upset about this.  There are probably other links on the website right now that will also show this.  Any other autism forum, i wouldn't be surprised if there are people who feel hurt as well.  It's like the Adam Lanza incident all over again.  The stigma will continue and it isn't going to get any better.  The BBC apparently reported that he was diagnosed with Aspergers in this Link.  I also found it interesting that this kid is also a son of a filmmaker in Hollywood.

Now of course there is the video Elliot Rodgers posted which I watched with the girlfriend.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  First off, he comments on how hurt he feels over the rejection he faces.  He then questions why women choose other men over him since he is such a great guy.  Comments on how he has his sexual advances rejected.  Comments on how he feels superior to other people.  What was I just hearing?  Yeah, this is not Aspergers talking.  This is self-entitlement and selfishness talking here.  There was nothing loving about what he said. 

Newsflash for everyone:  Typically, an Aspie goes through all sorts of rejection in their life.  I have, and so has just about any other Aspie.  So does everyone else regardless of a diagnosis or not.  All i heard in this video is "I want to have sex"  and "if you won't have sex with me, I will get my revenge."  This is how everyone is going to look at it.  We will also see a superiority complex with the way he talks about women and other people in general.  Nice guys aren't entitled to anything.  I also see a guy in the video who seems to not understand that others have boundaries and want them to be respected.

We also get someone posting on a PUA hate blog about a PUA response.  Take a look at Amanda Hess' blog entry here.  I'm glad this was posted as I am sure people know how I feel about PUA communities by now and Amanda has provided links to back herself up.  Some of these guys apparently suggested that they could have helped prevent the deaths if Elliot listened to them or if Elliot allowed someone to coach him.  This is quite disturbing in it's own right if people truly believe that.

I really don't know if I should feel sorry or Elliot and the rejection he felt.  I remember how it felt to be rejected and I remember the hormones raging within me and wanting to have sex at that age as well.  But I also remember I got through college without and I find that it doesn't bother me.  I always seemed to have friends around to talk to and hang out with.

However, I do know that temptation can come when we are isolated as well.  People can be tempted to do all sorts of weird and possibly dangerous things when they are kept to themselves for too long.  This isolation definitely has nothing to do with Aspergers.  It has more to do with not having people around to influence you about what is wrong or right.  There is no moral conscience to develop from isolation.  Of course, isolation could be forced on yourself if you refuse to listen to others as well.

When it all comes down to it, it's really hard for me to gauge how I should feel about this other than appalled that it happened again.  Another terrible incident involving a shooter who is said to be diagnosed with Aspergers.  May the families of the victims have God on their side in this tough time and may they mourn the losses and do what they can to move forward.  May there be prayers and expressions of love given to those affected and may they be helped in this tough time in their lives.

I also pray and wish for those diagnosed not to panic too much over this incident.  I know it's very tempting to be upset and mad about all of this.  I know many others who promote and love to hate others will do what they want to do and make you feel unloved as well.  Just know that those who make you feel unloved probably don't understand what love really is, but only claim to know.  And after all, learn to forgive those who make you feel unloved as they may not know what forgiveness is either.

Forgiveness, love and the nice guy + the book of Job

Please note that this blog entry has been edited a few times since original posting.

I got through nine pages of this thread on Wrongplanet.net where the OP asked "Who are the Self-Proclaimed Nice Guys?". Decided I had enough half way through that ninth page. I read some interesting comments. One poster pointed out that Christians think they are entitled to love because they grew up believing that God will love them. Well... here is my take on that because love involves a lot of forgiveness. 

Later on after writing this entry, I finished reading that thread and realized that this blog is appropriate considering the topics of conversation.  Being forgiving is very difficult and many people won't forgive a person that laments or is angry all the time, or is simply out for themselves. Yet, some of these type of people who lament or are angry claim to be nice guys. I should know, I was once like that when I was younger---> "how come you're dating that guy when he treats you like that? I would be much nicer to you." (I pull the disappearing act the next day, repeat those words in a week or two)

I'm not sure how many people ever truly understand the love of God, or accepting Christ as their saviour. Having just read through the book of Job (still have a few chapters to go in that book, and I think this is a great story), I noticed that a blameless man (Job) who never did wrong to anyone became the victim of some bad things happening in his life. The story reveals that God made a deal with Satan at the begining of that story because Satan wanted to prove that Job would curse against the Lord if bad things happened. (Words are mine to illustrate the point) God said to Satan "Do what you will, but don't kill the man."

Of course, Job lost his livestock, lost the respect of his friends and family, people tried to manipulate him, his wife made fun of him for having faith in God, and Job got sick. A few friends came to speak to him, but all sat in silence with Job for a week before Job spoke up. Job lamented on how he never did anything wrong and that God must be punishing him for something, but for what? His friends assumed he sinned and must repent.  His friends insisted that Job didn't know God. However, Job wouldn't repent as he had not cursed against God.
I took a break before finishing the book of Job and had started this blog entry between readings.  I still found the message of forgiveness applied.  The Lord spoke to Job and Job replied.  The three friends never spoke truth about the Lord and Job did.  Although Job had never seen God before the end of this story, he had heard of the Lord and believed in him.  Job never lost faith and spoke truth of the Lord and was rewarded for it despite lamenting on his lost fortunes.  God had in fact rewarded Job for not cursing in him.  Satan had lost his bet.

Moral of what I am trying to say: There are some people in this world that will treat you like crap and it wont be your fault as to why they do it. People like to tempt us and we all know this. People like to get you to do things that are not in your best interest, but may be in theirs. As soon as they got what they want, you are gone and treated as if you were a nobody and never existed. Despite this, some of the people that manipulate us and treat us like crap say they are doing it because they "love us." I have a far better understanding of love recently, and that kind of love may be self-centred, but sure shows me that I am not loved.
But you do have the choice to forgive people for slighting you, or being bitter and resentful and angry. I, like Job, got sick when I chose the route of anger and resentment and found myself making poor judgment calls.  Sometimes I would choose to keep myself from speaking as Job did for a week.  This is not healthy for a person at all to not speak, but to keep their words to themselves.  Trying to understand forgiveness was the better option.  I chose to take that route and felt healthier afterwards.

Also remember that people choose to forgive on their terms and that you shouldn't necessarily be begging forgiveness.  People will come back if you show a forgiving nature as well.  Not all people that hurt you mean any harm.

An update:

I am keeping this entry short.  For those who still read this, thank you.  I plan on including writing about God and my relationship with God and how I can improve it in the future.  I also plan on using some bible verses in future entries.  I would also like to remind you that I am in fact new to being a Christian, so I may have some opinions.  I am not trying to force opinions at all, I want to show some truth and steer away from voicing my opinions of possible.

I would like to emphasize that my favourite chapter in the bible so far comes from Ephesians 6.  Specifically, the armour of God is my favourite part of it (verses 10-20 approximately).  I may be using some examples of what I have learned in my progress and maybe some real life situations and how it has worked.  My next entry will likely be about the amazing things I have discovered through prayer.

Til next time: God bless you all.  Have a fantastic day.

The misperceptions of Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.

It's been a while since I posted anything.  Having discussed recently with other people about self-defeating habits and patterns of behaviour, I started writing some ideas down.  However, these ideas don't even reflect what I had written months ago on this blog about this self-defeating series I had written.  Some of the ideas I had written then were just the beginning of some of my own research.  Since then, I have accepted Christ and have made time for God in my life.   I have actually been more joyful, peaceful and happy since.  I can find myself enjoying life more: at work, at home and in my social life.

I have written a book that includes ideas from previous blog entries I had written.  These ideas include my life experience, my depression, my attempts at trying to understand what is Aspergers and what is not, and even including some of the little fables I had written ("Tale of the Honest Man" and "Window of Opportunity" come to mind).  I look at the past with this blog and upon reflection, this blog in itself is a story of the self-defeating mind and very tragically relates to what Pick-up Artists go through.  I never looked at myself as one, but this blog heavily reflects that of a person that is one.  A good chunk of blog entries relates to dating and trying to understand why I had problems attracting women.

So as I looked through that book I had written recently, I realized that I had some good ideas written down.  I detailed the experience of what a man diagnosed with Aspergers would likely go through before he accepts himself as he is.  There are some dark thoughts here and there, and there are some examples in there that illustrate the lack of tact or social skills a person may have.  I do think the book could use some editing for sure.  There is no way the book can be released as is.  But the ideas have laid down the foundation.  The journey starts from the day I had written my blog entry about my thoughts and feelings on the Newtown shooting (December 15, 2012).  The decision to start reading the "Power of Now" after that day is detailed.  But I look back at it now, I don't regret reading that book or even looking at other spiritual self-help books.  It brought me to God, and I realized that spiritual books do more to help my personal growth than a book on Social Intelligence or Aspergers ever will.

However, I realized after reading that book was that I found my relationships with women improved.  How did this happen?  I will explain in a second.  But there are also pitfalls that comes from reading that book.  After observing what was going on, and knowing that I was beginning to express myself and let go more appropriately, I also observed that I was able to live in the present moment without any real fear.  I observed that this helped my relationships with women.  I mentioned this to the friend that recommended the book to me, and he agreed that the book does help relationships with women.  When offered advice on what worked with women and didn't, I declined to figure things out on my own.  I don't regret that decision either.

The Pitfalls

The PUA community uses this book:  Google it if you don't believe me.  This is number one and can be found in all my answers as to why.  I actually came to understand after a while that my insecurity matched that of a lot of women in the 18-25 age range.  Part of the problem was having been with women whom I was dating in that age range.  Once I realized what these insecurities were, I started realizing what I was doing that came across as insecure. 

The harsh reality of women in that age range for the most part is they do spend lots of time growing up and trying to find themselves.  A good chunk of men in the 19-27 age gap will be doing this as well.  Outside of socializing, school and work, and away from the boyfriend/girlfriend, there is a lot of growing up going on.  It's as simple as that.  Of course, part of growing up is dealing with our own insecurities. 

Emotional immaturity/insecurity: When socializing, we try not to focus on self-reflection.  We enjoy the moment.  I ended up figuring out the obvious.  Women in that age gap who happened to be emotionally immature or insecure will always go for what they feel in that moment and they never ignore what their emotions are telling them and ignore logic and questions like "how would my boyfriend/girlfriend feel?".  They may act like children in that regard.  They will forget their boyfriends and do what they feel like doing.    You also can't exclude men from behaving in this manner either.  We can deal with consequences later provided it works in the way we want it to (which it may not, and we place blame and responsibility on others anyway for getting mad at us). In these moments, we aren't interested about the future or past, we are interested about the now.

PUA's may even use the now to justify irresponsibility: Especially for women.  If you read enough on the internet, you'll notice that PUA's are obsessive about coming across like the "real alpha male" and placing himself as a man with "higher value" than other men.  They also treat women like they are incapable of responsibility.  The reason why is actually kind of simple: There are people out there that are concerned about the now regardless of the consequences it could have on their relationships.

Eckhart Tolle's message is being taken for granted: The point of this book is a very spiritual message, albeit a very Buddhist message at that IMO.  He even gives warnings in the book about using the present moment for enjoyment and states that you still have to plan for the future, but work on those plans in the current moment as well.  He also mentions that you must be able to deal with a problem in the moment, ignore it, or leave the environment without regretting your decision and complaining about it later.
The western world is very non-spiritual and very ego-centric as it is.  So people were not going to listen to or read the spiritual message in the book.  But from reading the spiritual message, you can understand some very important messages in the book.

The book references the ego, and the egoic mind repeatedly.  He even mentions the dangers of the "Collective Ego" (more detailed in "A New Earth").  He warns people not to use the book for their own ego or they will miss the point of the message.  Some people may have actually used this book to enhance their egos.  This alone is a dangerous thing, and I had to discover this danger firsthand.  I admit I didn't read the book to enhance my ego, but when it became easier to sleep with women, the ego started to evolve (I moved from having been with two women to having been with seven in a span of six months).

Manipulation can become easier: It is easier to hide your insecurities from reading this book.  I don't remember reading "hide your insecurities and don't work on them" in the book at any point.  But once you understood what makes people insecure, it was easier to find ways to manipulate them.  Yes, a diagnosed Aspie realized how easy it can be to manipulate people.  He also realized that he could still be manipulated just as easily.

One key point in the book was to be "non-reactive" and to listen when someone needs to be heard (a message that may have been repeated from John Gray's "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus").  This is good advice.  But I wonder how many people misinterpreted the "non-reactive" and just simply took it literally and did nothing.  I know I chose to do nothing and be non-reactive after a while.  You think it brought people closer?  It didn't.  What it did was convince people I lost interest in them.  I eventually had to learn how to listen as well.

Life today:

If it weren't for the path I took, I wouldn't know what progress I would have made.  I wouldn't be discovering self-defeating habits.  I also wouldn't be developing my relationship with God.  I am very happy with where I am going.  And this being a Sunday after a long and busy week, I do feel like resting and maybe doing some writing on my own.  I will enjoy the day, and maybe take part in viewing the Super Bowl.  I am no football fan, but I do hope Peyton Manning wins with the Denver Broncos.

Banning touching at school and why I think it is wrong.

Here are a few links that illustrate the concern of many people, just check the bottom of the entry for them.  I look at this as anti-bullying going way too far.  I also see this as people lacking any common sense.  So, someone gets hurt on a school playground, and an overprotective parent cries to the school?  I may not be a parent, but give me a break.  This rule goes way too far.  I first heard this rule on the radio while I was at work and was hearing that many schools in my area were thinking of enforcing the same policy. 

I'm not sure how to explain my opinion in a very clear way.  But I will give a three clear reasons why I think it is wrong.

1. You are taking away the freedom to play and have fun.  Kids are naturally hands on and try and learn to play through socializing and hands on type of environment.  Sure there might be some kids that like to fight.  The kids that are excessive in their hands on approach are usually reprimanded for it.  Teachers when I was growing up would allow touching.  So my guess is that kids won't even be allowed to play "Duck, Duck, Goose." 

2. Common sense can be learned early.  Enforcing such a rule will not allow a child to know right and wrong pretty early on.  Such a rule will likely be hard for a kid to guage whether he or she can do it off the playground and at home as well under parent supervision even.  Children are being taught to behave in certain ways by parents at home and by teachers at school.  Behavioral conditioning based on common sense can be thrown out the window with such a rule.

3. Kids may not learn their lesson from doing something that gets them hurt.  It's one thing to be strict, but to be overly strict without any bounds is ridiculous.  I realize the school that implemented the policy thinks it will reduce injuries and they are probably right.  But now kids will be far more afraid of doing something that they might get hurt by doing.  Sometimes a lesson can be learned by doing something that you get hurt by doing.  Kids tend to avoid playing around another kid that will hurt them because they fear it will happen again.  As a result, the kid that hurts others may end up learning "Nobody wants to play with me because I hurt them.  I will play nicer now."  With such a rule, the chances of anyone learning this lesson are slim.

Another thing about this is that it is strictly pointed towards kindergarten students.  Kindergarten is meant to be fun for students.  What happens when there is no fun?  Will the children feel as if they don't want to go to school anymore at that age?

http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/11052013-hands-off-schools-zero-tolerance-policy-bans-touching/

http://www.wondercafe.ca/discussion/parenting/ban-children-touching-other-children

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/british-columbia/bc-schools-no-hand-holding-rule-goes-too-far-parents-say/article15289870/

The Window of Opportunity.

This is meant to cover the more emotional part of the Aspie relationships.  This is something I plan on putting in my little book as well:

There was a man named Jake.  He loved going out running, walking, hiking, and he enjoyed playing soccer as well.  His passion though was his painting, an art that helped him express himself.  He was also a very kind man.  Others didn't quite understand him, but he was fine with that.  He knew he was a little different and understood and accepted himself as he was.  He also realized where he could grow.

He decided to take the opportunity to go out with friends and meet some new people along the way.  He enjoyed his social life for what it was and didn't turn down many invites to go hang out.  His friends were happy to have him around despite his difference.  His friends accepted him as he was as well.  He was happy to have his friends and he managed to find a way to be approachable to others as well.

During one night out with some friends, Jake laid his eyes on the most beautiful girl in the room.  He walked over and said "hi" to the girl and asked for her name.  "Sandra" said the girl in reply.  The two exchanged some pleasantries and engaged in a conversation.  Sandra laughed at the sense of humour Jake displayed.  She even listened intently as Jake spoke.  Jake also got to know Sandra a little better and before the end of the night, the two exchanged phone numbers before Sandra left to go home.

A couple days went by and Jake phoned Sandra to ask her to come out with him.  Sandra said yes and the two went to learn how to dance the Chacha.  Both had fun learning the dance moves and agreed to see eachother again. There was no kiss on this night, but the two hugged eachother before separating from eachother for the night.

The two would continue to hang out for four weeks.  Around this time period, Sandra and Jake started to really like eachother, although Jake couldn't tell that Sandra was as interested in him as he was in her.  Sandra could tell that Jake cared and enjoyed himself around her, but she couldn't help but feel something wasn't right.  She started to overthink whether she was good enough for Jake, or whether Jake truly was interested in him.  She even asked "Is he ready yet?"  Sandra knew that she was ready, but was unsure about Jake.

During one sunny Saturday afternoon, Jake and Sandra went to a romantic movie.  As Sandra kept leaning closer to Jake, she noticed that Jake wouldn't put his arm around her.  She was undeterred by this.  Jake didn't take note of this signal that Sandra wanted to be held.  As the movie went on, Sandra kept wondering again if Jake was really interested in her as more than friends.

Outside afterwards, the two went for a walk and Sandra leaned in closer to Jake again only to find that Jake wouldn't reach for her hand.  This was even more devastating to Sandra.  She was beginning to feel insecure about where things were going between the two.  As Jake walked Sandra back to her neighbourhood, they hugged again and made eye contact.  Jake then said to Sandra "I will see you later."  They released the hold of their hug and Jake walked away.

A couple days went by and Jake asked Sandra to hang out again for later on that night.  He waited for hours while painting to find that Sandra never replied to him.  Jake felt this was strange since this was unlike Sandra to ignore his text messages and phone calls.  So Jake asked again around the time he planned to meet if Sandra was there.  Still he got no reply.  Jake started to wonder what he did wrong.  "I was a gentleman, I didn't force her to do anything she wasn't comfortable with.  So what is the problem?"  he said to himself.  He couldn't figure out what happened.

Sandra eventually replied to Jake after three days saying "Sorry, I was out of town and my phone was turned off."  Jake was releived to hear from her.  Jake then asked Sandra out again for the next night.  "Oh, sorry Jake.  I can't.  I have other plans."  Jake then asked about the plans to find out that Sandra was going on a date with a man she met while she was out of town.  Jake felt devastated.  He then asked her if she truly felt he was good enough.  Her reply was "you had your chance, and you didn't take it.  I'm sorry, but I also dont think things would work out either."  Jake was very upset and said goodbye to Sandra.

Jake also started overthinking about whether this was a test to make him jealous as well.  He dwelled on this for a couple months remembering the words.  "She was the best opportunity I had for love."  He kept saying to himself.  He even blamed Sandra for not being straight up with him sooner.  But as Jake started to learn a few subtle cues, he realized his opportunity came when Sandra was leaning closer to him.  The problem here was that Jake was thinking too much about this instead of moving forward, but at least he learned something from this experience.

Eventually, Jake started to move forward.  He stopped thinking about Sandra and the "what ifs" and focused on what made him happy again.  He also went out with some friends one night and was enjoyhing the company without even thinking of the missed opportunity.  Then he looked around the room and saw the most beautiful girl in the room.  He walked over and said "hi" to her, and got her name.


The reason for this story is to illustrate the emotional problems some Aspie men might have to go through.  They may not pick up on the social cues as easily as other men.  What comes naturally for others, we have to learn it.  Take a note here that Jake doesn't actually learn from Sandra what went wrong other than "You had your chance."  What Jake does is figure out on his own what went wrong. 

It also goes to show you that what i have observed myself as that most women I meet don't want to make the first move either.  So of course, when any woman comes across an Aspie and notices that he simply won't make the move during the window of opportunity, she gets upset and maybe even feels rejected.  I know full well that I had to communicate with people that I was never rejecting them when this happened.  This never fixed the problem, and I was expected to take action rather than explain myself. 

However, the window of opportunity is a real thing.  I find that if I don't read the cue properly, things go wrong.  If I misread the interest and try and kiss the girl when the cue isn't there, I will come across as forceful, or maybe even a creepy guy that just wants in someone's pants.  However, if I miss the obvious cue when it's there as others see it, I come across as disinterested and maybe even mean depending on how this rejection looks to others.  I realize that it's a very tricky thing to learn.

The only thing I can do here is to tell the woman that if she is in doubt whether the guy she likes is interested or not, ask.  Same goes with the guy.  If you don't want to risk friendship over it, then don't.  Otherwise, if you can naturally follow the flow of things, you will both know when it's right to make the move.